I can't cope with the idea my son is transgender

[starfishsunrise]

I posted about this at New Year. Since then my 16 year old son has been quiet about it. I’m not sure if it’s the elephant in the room for him but it can be for me. I have occasionally broached the subject gently but he never wants to speak about it.
Surely if the urge to be something else was enough you wanted to change he’d have mentioned it?

He has 6th form coming up in September. He was is planning to go to all all male 6th form. He needs business wear. I left a catalogue in his room so he could look at some suits.
I found the catalogue on his desk with rings around what he wants. He wants dresses and to go an all girls 6th form with a new name, where they don’t offer his A levels so he’d compromise on subjects.
I feel sick.
I love him, I really do. But this isn’t right. There is no clue he is in unhappy. He has grown his hair but he still wears jeans and t shirts, he has a deep voice and shows no signs of being anything other than a grumpy teenager.
I suggested he start slowly and just dress in a more feminine way, start with flowery shirts, or pink shorts and t shirts. Anything! Build up. Maybe try something at home in front of us but not catch a bus into town from day one!
Of course I don’t want it to happen at all.

I still don’t believe him.
He is strong minded and stubborn. He fails to see its ludicrous. Words have failed me. I want to rationalise it all. If I had any clue before on how he felt I would deal with it better. Surely trans doesn’t just turn on?

[Notevilstepmother]

Compromise on subjects is a bad idea. So is going to an all girls school in my opinion.

I’d suggest you look into mixed 6th forms with the subjects he wants. Then he can transition if he wants. It won’t be as drastic as going from a boys school to a girls school.

[starfishsunrise]

Where we live it’s one or the other.

He’d be on the same bus whichever school he went to with the same people since he was 11.

[LonginesPrime]

I haven't read your old thread but perhaps he's quiet about it because he feels you don't understand and he knows you two have to co-exist?

If he senses that you don't believe him, he's not likely to open up to you.

I'm not trans but am gay and having my mother tell me at 16 that my sexuality was just a phase that I would definitely grow out of and that she understood it far better than me because she was an adult really didn't help me to open up to her.

Single-sex sixth forms seem like a recipe for disaster here - I would definitely think about looking further afield for a more suitable school or college with the right courses (and possibly a less conservative dress code).

[SavoyCabbage]

I'd focus on finding him a better place to take his A levels. He needs to go somewhere where they do,the subjects he wants to do.

If he was my son, I'd want him going somewhere in a big city where there are all sorts of different people.

[SealSong]

Being transgender does not mean he is going to want to wear pink t shirts or 'flowery skirts'. Just let him navigate this in his own way. The last thing he is going to want is (crap) style tips from his mother. He will know that you 'don't believe this' so why would he want to discuss it with you?
And just because he may have recently told you doesn't mean that he might not have been struggling silently with this for years.
I'm not surprised he doesn't want to talk about it with you.
I can understand your concern and bewilderment, this is not an easy thing at all, and I know you have your son's interests at heart, so I am sorry if my post sounds harsh.

[PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks]

Let him choose his own clothes. My DS manages perfectly well. Why don't you want him to be transgender? DS1 was quite surprised and grateful for my reaction when he told me, I've no idea why.

[starfishsunrise]

I have told him outright I don’t think it’s true. I hope it’s a phase etc. I can’t lie. But I repeat how much I love him. And that I want to understand.

I repeat the whole thing came as a bolt from the blue. I think the internet is involved. It’s like a bloody cult. There are no real life friends that I have seen.
Gay I could handle. We have family members that are. But he’s not in the wrong body.
There are just the two 6th forms to pick. No other options are at all practical because of where we live.
I just want him to change slowly if he insists on this madness.
I feel sick and have to hide my tears that my perfect little boy is making a massive mistake

[AnotherOriginalUsername]

Please don't tell him it's a phase or that he's wrong. Maybe it is and maybe he is and all will be fine, but if it isn't "just a phase" it could be incredibly damaging.

He needs time, love and support to work things out and he's opened up to you as a person he trusts with probably his biggest secret. This will have been going around (and around, and around) in his mind for a long time before he voiced it.

Speak to these people. They are geared up to help both you and your son. They provide a great service and will be able to direct you both to areas of support as well as listen without judgement.

mindtws.org.uk/trans-plus/

[drspouse]

While gay teens don't "grow out of it" up to 80% of teens who think they are trans DO change their minds.
Have you looked at Transgender Trend?
Also, would he even be allowed at the girls school? Some go by biological sex (which is the law).
Anyway I think you will find support from TGT.
My friend went through this with her daughter but at secondary school entry. Her daughter is now her daughter again, but not at the girls school (I'm not clear if the girls school wouldn't take her or if she didn't want to go while she thought she was a boy).

[Flamingosnbears]

How about you take him to the GP and they can refer him on to a specialist to talk it all through or get in touch with some transgender people in your community to have a chat with your son so he can talk it through with someone who gets it from his point of view, continue to support him and help him you want him to open up and not shut off from you.

[MrsDilber]

I'd feel the same way. My DS did have a transgender friend at this age, he was fairly androgenous and went to a mixed 6th where he had loads of people who wanted to be his mate, it's very popular at the moment. The young man in question, ramped up his female side according to what he was doing and it worked very well, and still does, for him (I should be saying her but it would confuse the post).

I too would be worried sick, it's the nature of being a mum. There are many mums who would deal with it well, but you are not alone that, when it comes to the bones of this situation, would actually find it incredibly hard. 💐💐💐

You are not wrong to be finding this difficult.

[frenchfancy]

I would be very worried too.

There must be some way he could go to a mixed sixth form. Think outside the box, are there family members he can live with during the week? Can he get a different bus or train to another town? Even if is much more inconvenient I think it would be Worth it not to be in a single sex school. And I don't just mean the girls school, I don't think an all boys school would be right either.

[Starfish]

Like it or not, you're just going to have to cope with it. Keep telling her it's a phase and all you're going to do is push her away. At the end of the day, this is your child. Poor kid, she's going to experience enough transphobia out in the world, the last place it should be coming from is her mother.

[Racecardriver]

It may actually be a good thing to send him to an all girls school. He may then realise just how different he is to real girls. He may still decide to transition but hopefully it will prevent him from undergoing hormonal treatment because he will realise that he will never have a female body. A levels he can always resit. Is he receiving any therapy for this? You really need to sort this out before he turns 18. The last thing you want is for him to turn 18 and go crazy. You have to open up a discussion any way you can. His physical health is more important than which he fee he chooses to present as.

[drspouse]

Racecar not very fair on the girls though, and the girls school exists for the girls!

[starfishsunrise]

I promise I’m not being awkward by saying it’s the choice of 2 6th forms. There is another school that is mixed but it’s very rough, no real A level courses all apprenticeship type BTEC stuff. He wouldn’t entertain it there. He’s an academic snob!

He is a very switched on character, very single minded. Maybe a tiny bit autistic? The last person who would fall for this sort of thing. I will make him a GP appointment for after his GCSES. I’m just terrified he will end up with someone who encourages it.

I maintain there would be some clue along the lines before now. I will look at the link. Thanks

[Moonkissedlegs]

Don't send him to an all girls school. Would he even be allowed? You are going to have to try and find some sort of mixed provision here.

Apart from that though, you just have to let him get on with things, allow him to wear the clothes he wants and express himself as he wants. It may be a phase, it may not, but you telling him it's just a phase will push him away.

[ladymelbourne1926]

I think you need to get him to the GP urgently, who can refer him to appropriate support. Show him you are taking seriously and if he is serious, enough to be considering a girl's school then this will be the first step. I'm not qualified to comment either way on his feelings but I do know a lot of teenagers who feel this way or similar in isolation and on the Internet, change their minds when faced with the medical and practical reality.
Of course some don't and his real life friends maybe very supportive, this is a hot topic at the moment and it may not be as difficult for him on the bus for example as you fear.
Also he needs to check as some schools go by biological sex so it may not even be possible.

[drspouse]

Here's the TGT website

www.transgendertrend.com/

[TerfsUp]

I'd focus on finding him a better place to take his A levels. He needs to go somewhere where they do,the subjects he wants to do.

Well put.

And having a deep voice or not wanting to wear flowery shirts has nothing to do with wanting to change gender.

[FrustratedBeyond]

It must be so heart wrenching to be his mum and have this to comprehend, but unfortunately being honest and saying you dont agree or its a phase will only make him shut off from you or make him feel like you dont support him. I know its not your intentions but it must be so hard for him to have lived in this confusion and the last thing you want is for your relationship to be blown apart

[boatass]

He shouldn’t be going to an all girls school. He’s a boy.
Get that idea out of his head

[TerfsUp]

Maybe a tiny bit autistic?

No. As someone who is autistic, I find that comment extremely offensive.

You need to give your head several wobbles.

[Moonkissedlegs]

He is a very switched on character, very single minded. Maybe a tiny bit autistic? The last person who would fall for this sort of thing.

Actually apparently a significant proportion of trans people have autism. If you are quite single minded, and have grown up in a society where boys and girls have quite narrow constraints of what they can wear and how they can behave, then it's not surprising that you might thing you were 'actually the opposite sex' if you don't fit in those narrow constraints.

[Moonkissedlegs]

Although yes, not sure what you mean by 'a tiny bit autistic'?

But also
You need to give your head several wobbles.
is a bit harsh on someone who is worried about her son and has come onto MN for help.