Need to get thus off my chest 😥

[FedUpFeeling]

Sorry if this is a long drawn out load of dribble, just need to get this out cause I feel like I'm losing my mind and I'm so sick of myself.

I was with my DP for 10 years and was engaged to be married, and have 3 amazing kids together, and everything felt great, nice holidays, cars, house, he worked FT while I was ASAHM. Once my youngest started school I went to university to work towards a degree that i put on hold once I had kids. Then it all went so badly wrong 😥

Found out my DP had a one night stand and had got the woman pregnant. This happened when I was 9 months pregnant with my youngest child. The other woman had the baby but I didn't find out about it until years down the line, and I was devastated. He always denied this child was his but admitted to sleeping with her one time around the time she conceived. As far as I am aware he had no contact with the child but just continued to play happy families with me, which I just found unforgivable. I heard rumors when this came out that the other woman was claiming another man was the father of her child, and a completely new guy was raising it! I told my DP he had to get a DNA test to find out one way or another but he refused point blank. Another killer is she called her childs name the same as my child! I tried to make the relationship work but couldn't forgive him for what he had done and I kicked him out. At the time we were living in a rented house, but he moved out and got his own place. As I soon found out raising a home and 3 kids when your a student was just impossible. When he left he took the car (he did pay for it) but he never needed it during the day while I used it for uni, I ended up having to give up uni i had no car to get there, no savings and everthing was in his name never had a joint bank account, i could kick myself for all this now.
Then my landlord 3 months later wanted me and the kids out as he was selling up, so me and the kids ended up homeless for 6 months living in an absolute hovel, outside the kids catchment area for school which I had to pay taxi fare to get them there everyday, even when ex DP was off from work he would refuse to take them. Finally got a flat from the council last summer which is a tiny village outside town. Where my youngest gets picked on relentlessly from the kids in the area so now he never goes out to play. They are constantly cooped up in the house all the time, even during the summer holidays and it broke my heart. My 3 kids have no friends in the area at Halloween I put outside pumpkins and got sweets for the kids, thought it would be a good idea to try and get them talkng to the other kids and maybe start over, but the kids all went to the 7 houses on my side but never came to mine, which DS was disappointed in. They were all sobbing when I suggested moving to the local school so I'm having to pay taxis and bus fares all week costing £80 a week! I don't have the heart to send them to the local school away from all there friends there already been through so much the last couple of years. And I can only work PT as I have no child care, ex DP has never paid a penny towards the kids, not even a school trip or a pair of school shoes! The guilt I feel every single day is just eating away at me. Can't take them on days out anymore, I've moved them away from their friends I somethimes don't even have enough money to put gas in my metre. I just feel like an absolute failure of a mother and think they would be better off living with someone else that can take care of them. Sometimes love just isn't enough, I've let them down for the last couple of years and I just don't see away out of this. They hardly ever see their dad anymore, he takes no interest in their life and if I ask for his help, or could he get them new shoes all I get is "I'm skint" everyone always says to me "aw your doing so well considering" if only they knew that I was starving myself, self harming, and on anti depressions and crying myself to sleep every night. I know there worse people out there than me I just can't believe how dramatically different my life is from 2 years ago, I financially can't afford to live. I've even shamelessly had to sell some of my kids stuff just so I can put food on the table. Its my DS 16th Bday in a few days and I have nothing for him I don't know where I'm going to get money to buy him anything and its killing me, I don't make enough money just to get by im short every week I've got myself into debt that I can't afford to pay back, so got bad credit. I never in a million years thought I would be living like this, I'm disgusseted and ashamed of myself and I feel like I'm giving my kids a bad childhood. I don't see how I can look after them anymore their better off without me 😥

[dissapointedafternoon]

I don't know anything about the legalities but I think parents are obliged to pay child support?
Do you get child bennefit?
Do you have anyone who supports you?
You poor thing. It sounds as though you have no choice but to live where you do. Its awful that your son is being bullied.
Sending you love x

[hollowtree]

I'm so sorry OP, you are just in a bad place right now but no way are your children better odd without you! You are their mother and you're doing an effing amazing job!!

No one remembers what they got for their 16th birthday but everyone remembers the life lessons they learn from a dedicated and loving parent who doesn't give up on them even through the difficult times.

You are not alone, if you feel desperate call Samaritans (they have helped me loads) or go to A&E. They will help you.

Don't give in, all things come to an end. The good and the bad. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I know it doesn't make it any less dark now but I hope it's soon for you.

You are not alone.

[AuntyElle]

That is a hell of a lot to cope with, OP. The blame lies squarely with your ex who has behaved appallingly. Please try not to end up blaming and criticising yourself, even though that's easy to do. You are doing your best in a very difficult situation and holding it all together.
I know there aren't any easy answers.

Here is a really good page of help for emergency finances: www.stepchange.org/debt-info/emergency-funding.aspx

StepChange are well-respected.

Have you applied for child maintenance? Even if it's a small amount it will help and it's a step forward: www.gov.uk/child-maintenance/how-to-apply

Have you checked you are getting all the benefits you should be: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/benefits-introduction/what-benefits-can-i-get/

An appointment at CAB could be helpful to look at your debt as well, although StepChange will also do that.

You've probably done most of those, but things can slip through when you are under such stress.

If you haven't see your GP lately, then do make an appointment, and tell them everything.

[Mum8]

FedUpFeeling I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I do agree though that no money in the world can replace your children of their mama. Mamas are precious and do not underestimate how much your supporting them just by being there means to them.
Do you have family around that can help?
When I was feeling very down, I started listening to the secret by Rhonda Byrnes and it did help so much. It’s the law of attraction and I so believe in it. It’s about attracting what you think about and having positive thoughts to bring you a happy life and feeling grateful for what you already have even if it is far from what you consider good. I was having a thought time at work and at home at the time, more than I could handle and listening to those CDs helped me so much. Thinking of you and as a mama I am sending you my love and positive energy. There is a rainbow after the rain ❤️❤️❤️

[Mum8]

Meant tough time of course, not thought time

[dangermouseisace]

OP you don't have to carry on with this.

I agree with pp who suggests CAB- they could possibly help with debt and child maintenance. Your ex needs to pay towards the kids by law, and this can be enforced. Sometimes CAB are also able to refer on to other support agencies/give food bank vouchers etc.

With your living situation, I ended up with basically the same sort of thing (landlord sold up, council place miles and miles away from schools). My kids were absolutely against the idea of changing schools but in the end I just said to them that it had to be done, that I couldn't carry on with it. I stressed the benefits of moving- less journey time, I could get to school events more easily, more money! It ended up working out better than I expected it to, although they still prefer their old school they've made friends and things are ok. As mothers we just want our kids to be happy, and make sacrifices to do that. However £80 a week is too much of a sacrifice and will be detrimental in the long term, as you can't afford it- most people wouldn't be able to afford it. It's a scary thing to do, move kids against their wishes, especially if you're already feeling low, but it sounds like you probably need to.

It sounds like you are exhausted. From where I'm sitting, your situation has a lot of promise but it sounds like you are so worn down by the events of the last couple of years that you are finding it difficult to carry on making those difficult decisions and steps necessary to improve your situation. It sounds like you need support to make those steps, they aren't easy, but help is out there.

How much better would life be if ex was paying maintenance, if you had some sort of manageable debt repayment plan in place, and if your kids were at a local school?

Does your GP know how much you are struggling? Are you getting any help from MH services?