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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

coxspippin Mon 06-May-13 11:55:49

dear gracieloo sorry you are suffering so- take some rest if you can.

Thurlow Sat 04-May-13 10:34:32

Hi Gracie, hope you managed to get some sleep tonight?

I promise you it's all not in your head. Just because people seem to think you are ok doesn't mean that you are imagining things.

Can you call the crisis team again this morning?

Your DD loves you too and though it might not feel like it to you at the moment, she needs her mum. You are more than good enough to stay with her.

Keep talking and tell us how you are x

AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:13:40


AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:06:15

Your DD won't be fine pet.

You're her mum, you only get one.

Please don't leave her, she needs you to protect her from this unpredictable and sometimes depths of hell shitty world.

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:59

'love her'...finding everything hard, can't do this

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:17

She just said I seem fine and shrugged it off, it's not just that, it's everything. I don't want to be a constant worry for people, dd will be fine. She'll know I live her

Elderflowergranita Fri 03-May-13 23:57:08

Gracie, I've just found this thread. You sound like a lovely and caring mum. Ignore what your friend said - you've probably just become incredibly good at putting on a brave face.

Lots of people care about you, please come back and talk to us.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:55:40

Don't go Gracie.

It just means, like a lot of people who have to deal with the shit you have to, that you're good at hiding it. She's your friend, I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew you thought what she said meant she doesn't care for you.

Thinking about how you want to be with your Dad now, don't you think your DD will want to be with you?

Don't leave her alone and without you, she needs you.

Your love for her just shines though in your posts, ride this storm out for her.

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:36:20

I've had enough I really have, soory and thank you to everyone. My friend said this eve I always seem fine to her so that means this is all in my head and I'm not good enough to stay here. I want to be with my dad now.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:09:57

A post you can ignore of course, but I was wondering what kinds of positive things people you know have said they like about you?

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:03:26

How did your day go in the end Gracie?

You said 'Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me' and it made me think of the thing I like about MN most.

I have trouble with (what I know is totally normal) the difference between what people say and what they privately think. I'm terrible for presuming they're thinking badly of me and criticising everything about me and think endlessly about what was said, what they meant, how they must hate me etc etc, I can't stop it going round and round in my head afterwards.

But on MN because of the anonymity and the fact that it's not compulsory to post, I feel I can trust it more to find out the actual state of 'how things are'. If I say something, I know I'll be told what people genuinely think, why would they not? And on your thread I can honestly say I believe people are here because they want to be, if they didn't they wouldn't post.

And given that I'm hyper sensitive to any type of criticism (I have it down to a fine art, torturing myself with the results grin), I've not even caught the smallest wiff of anything but care and concern for you.

If there's anywhere I would feel comfortable posting for genuine support, it's here. And I don't say that lightly. (It's OK to allow yourself to get something/help from somewhere).

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 10:22:18

Felt awful this morning, wanted to ask my friend to take dd but I forced myself to do it. Got washing to do so i'll make myself do that when i've got the energy, just made myself eat a bowl of cereal. But my head feels heavy and muddled still and I want to go back to bed so badly. I don't like this not being able to think clearly.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 20:01:50

I need diazepam, will they prescribe me more? Haven't taken it for a while. Can't stand this

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 13:22:43

We all have days that dont go to plan. Nothing wrong in that.
I was going to do x y and z, but for reasons out of my control, I have done a and b.
Have actually decided to throw the rest of my today plans out of the window, and go with the flow. Feel better now.

I doubt that many people are thinking badly of you.
Heck, they may even think badly of me for all I know.

I do have a theory that some people think badly of just about everyone on the planet.

If you are very concerned, you can name change on Mumsnet.
I dont think I would if I were you.
You could name change, see if you like it or not, and then name change back again if you wanted. I think that is ok by Mumsnet rules.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 12:58:55

Everything! I'm trying to make lists, prioritise things, get little things done but then something else crops up, and I just can't cope with it all. I used to be so organised and on top of stuff, now it's all falling apart. I can't think straight and everything seems jumbled up. Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 12:25:33

How, if it is all right to ask?
Dont answer if you dont want to.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 11:52:24

I really have messed up.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 11:16:58

There is nothing wrong at all, for anyone, to take each day hour by hour.
Im fact, if we could all magically stop worrying about tomorrows,we would all be better for it.

Also, I do think that quite a lot of people have good times of year, and worse times of year. I have no idea why. Just the way we are made I suppose.

Even if you have messed up, which I sincerely doubt, there is always hope imo.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 11:03:39

I take sertraline 100mg, that's all i've been prescribed and I do take them, just been on them a few weeks as switched over. I eat when I can, it just takes a lot of effort to think about what to have, then get it etc, I know it sounds like excuses. I had dinner last night. I have plans for every evening this weekend that were made weeks ago, I feel like crying when I think about going out and seeing people but i'll make myself go, even though I can feel worse after.

I just don't want to be here and I really can't help how I feel right now, everything seems unreal and far away, and I feel so tense and aware i've messed everything up. I'm really sorry, just don't see much hope. Sorry

nenevomito Thu 02-May-13 10:47:08

Gracie - I've not asked before, but are you taking your meds as prescribed? Also, have you thought any further about what I said about going to stay with your mum, particularly over this long weekend?

I really think you need to start taking practical steps to help yourself. You're not eating - low blood sugar and not enough 'fuel' will make you feel dizzy and shit and lethargic. You need to take the advice given to you by the Crisis Team and your CPN to give away your pills or give them to someone for safe-keeping and go to stay with someone, like your mum.

I really, really do know what its like to be depressed, but you need to start taking the advice of the professionals around you - if you won't work with them by taking their advice, they are really limited as to how they can gelp.

Getting better is 1/3 support, 1/3 medication and 1/3 your own effort. If the first two are in place, you need to start working on the third.

You CAN get better. I keep saying this, because its true.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 09:49:11

Oh god, things are getting worse! I really don't know if I can do this. Actually feeling dizzy and spaced out, head aches and I want to cry so much but can't.

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 21:37:48

I've said i'm not going back sad and i'm so ashamed I haven't told anyone. I've got so much to try to sort out and I feel so muddled. The days are all rolling into one, I don't know what i'm doing half the time. There isn't occ health at my work, and I was only doing p/t and couldn't cope with that.

I don't see how I can carry on, I feel strange/detached and can't get back into the real world. I don't kow what i'm doing the next day, just have to take each day, hour by hour, but that scares me that that's all I can manage. Urges and thoughts are getting stronger, as it's nearing the long weekend. Also i've realised I always seem to get really bad this time of year and I have no idea why? Two years ago I took an od, and last year I got really low, always around May? Mind you, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy, and that sounds awful as i'm a mum.

Hoophopes Wed 01-May-13 19:47:42

Hi, you are signed off for a month not forever, so hope you can not feel guilty. Your job will allow you a certain length of time of sick pay so instead of thinking of resigning and benefits, why not take as much sick pay from your job first? That may count for more if you try to get benefits later, rather than choosing to leave before your sick pay ceases?? Also occupational health mayo suggest reduced hours which may help you?? Just thinking about what I did when struggling. Had six months off ill then two months reduced phased return. Then got part-time as needed less hours for health reasons.

Going to the parc sounds lovely. You have to with your dc, too young to leave at parc alone and am sure dc preferred being at parc to you washing a car. Mmm I have not washed my car all year. No need to feel guilty for doing lovely things with daughter!!

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 16:46:36

Thank you for your lovely post, made me tearful as I didn't think people would be so understanding, and I've had such great support here.

It's been so sunny which I thought would lift my mood, how wrong was I? Just feel worse as haven't cut the grass or washed the car etc, I took dd and a friend to the park and I just sat for hour and a half watching them play. Just having a major panic about cpn not being in til next Tuesday now, and I start stressing that there's no one for too many days, and I can't get through them on my own with these thoughts especially as dd's away again this wkend. That's just me being too dependent and pathetic but I just get this awful scared feeling. I know I can use Samaritans, it's not the same in a crisis I don't find, and I know I can phone out of hours. Just getting this panic rising inside of me.

GlassesDontSuitMe Wed 01-May-13 14:22:41

Oh Gracie, what a horrible place you are in, it must be very hard for you to get through each day.

You don't need to feel guilty about not working. If that's what it takes to make you feel no worse right now, you are doing the right thing.

You are doing incredibly well to have got this far and you have far from 'failed'.

You said further up the thread that you had contacted Samaritans by text. Do you think you could call them? They are the ones who will hear your screaming. There will be absolutely no pressure from them for you to talk but they will help you to talk if you are finding it difficult. They will understand your need to 'plan' and won't judge you or try to talk you out of it. If you do ring and you get someone who you don't 'connect' with or who you think isn't helping you, just put the phone down and try again and keep trying until you find someone you can talk to. You won't be offending anyone, the most important thing to them is that you get someone you are happy with.

I know someone who suffers with BPD and so have a tiny insight into what it is like. Please try really hard and let your family help you if they can in anyway. I know you have said that it is hard for you to do that but you need to rest and find some space. Let others deal with the everyday stuff, so you can concentrate on you.

Keep posting on here. You don't sound self pitying at all, just someone who is struggling to make sense of the world and finding it difficult.

Take Care x

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