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How to deal with anger and bitterness after MC

(31 Posts)
nicola18737 Tue 10-Sep-19 20:25:06

I have DS (17 months) and I MC last week after 2 weeks of bleeding. We had been ttc for almost a year.

I am really struggling to move on. I am fine and functioning day to day, but I am keeping myself busy in order to stop myself from feeling. When I do stop, I feel sad, empty and lost.

I am also so angry and bitter at a friend who got pregnant the week after me after just 2 months of trying and now everything seems to be going swimmingly for her. I had a leave a social media group we were both in because her posting about her pregnancy was really hurting me. I feel horrible, but I am so bitter that everything has worked out fine for her, but I lost my baby. So I have now lost the support of that group(due to leaving it) because of my bitterness/sadness. I feel bitter and angry that she didn't message me to see if I was OK after I said I had to leave because it was too painful. I just want to move on and focus on me and my son. I feel guilty too that I am so consumed in my thoughts, I am not watching him grow an interacting with him as much as I should.

I just feel so lost, so bereft. I wonder if I need counselling to get over this sadness and bitterness. Has anyone else felt this way and can offer any words of support or advice?

itseasybeingcheesy Tue 10-Sep-19 20:39:25

It's ok to feel this way, you are grieving. Take all the time you need to grieve. It took me months to feel emotionally stable after my most recent MC and I took it very hard. I had some counselling to help me process my thoughts and feelings and spent time with pastoral support from my church.

Do you have any support to reach out to? I also found choosing a name and a small token to represent the life of the child to be a huge comfort to me.

You will be ok one day but let it take as much time as it needs ❤️

MrsA2015 Tue 10-Sep-19 20:46:04

Wish I could help. I could’ve written your post OP. Last weekend I had an early MC, ttc for almost a year. yesterday and today have been having anxiety attacks and angry at the world. Called up 111 to ask for help about chest pains and not being able to breathe it and got told I’m only 27 so it’s probably pulled muscle and to take ibuprofen. Absolutely lost as for how to feel or what to do. I had to log off Instagram as for some reason everyone either announced births or pregnancies this week and I can’t handle it either. I suppose it’s a case of slow and steady healing process and definitely seek professional help if you feel you need it, there’s no shame in it at all, perhaps an outsiders perspective may help you navigate your feelings better? I’m shit for taking and giving advice but hope you find peace in knowing there are people out there who can sympathise and help you through this. flowers

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 20:46:32

@itseasybeingcheesy thanks for your reply (ps I changed my username so its OP). I was only 7 weeks and reading some people's stories on here, I feel like I shouldn't be so affected, I feel ashamed that I am complaining about this when other people have gone through so much worse.

How far along were you if you don't mind me asking? Did you access counselling through the NHS? I feel like such a bad person being so bitter.

MrsA2015 Tue 10-Sep-19 21:02:07

Please please don’t feel ashamed ! Pain is relative and a loss is a loss. Please be easy on yourself, you have a right to feel pain regardless of how others have felt theirs

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 21:24:10

@MrsA2015 ah well at least it is not just me! I'm just so angry. It's so shit isn't it?

LillyLeaf Tue 10-Sep-19 21:24:28

Don't be hard on yourself, it's a horrible thing to go through and I was shocked at level and variety of emotions I felt and still do. I think what helped me was to just acknowledge this is crap and it's ok to feel like this.

SAMlady Tue 10-Sep-19 21:31:40

Sorry to hear of your loss.

In my experience miscarriage is devastating, your feelings are valid and real.

This article summed it all up really well, made me cry (again) but bought me comfort to know I wasn't alone.

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 21:35:49

Thanks @LillyLeaf, I think because I keep myself constantly busy, I am not aware of how I actually feel. It is only when I stop, I realise how down I am. Most of the time it is covered up with anxiety. It did actually help last week where I just broke down and cried. I felt reconnected with myself. I don't feel that sad any more, just lost and angry. I wish I could feel that level of sadness, then I'd know what to do with it.

I also feel angry that because I was 7 weeks, my husband says it wasn't a baby. It was to me! Oh.... that has made me cry. I was carrying our baby, but I've been telling myself it was only 7 weeks, it wasn't a baby yet, etc etc. It was all so real to me and now its gone and its like nothing ever happened.

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 21:39:56

omg @SAMlady that article made me sob and sob. It's all so true. No one talks about any of it. No one. It's just all brushed under the carpet.

LillyLeaf Tue 10-Sep-19 21:51:52

As soon as you take that pregnancy test and see those 2 lines you begin to imagine the future. My MCs were IVF so I was given a photo of the embryos which was just a cluster of cells but actually it was what could have been that I grieved for.

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 21:56:38

@LillyLeaf yes its that hope, that dream that is gone. That elation...all gone. I did my pg test in my local supermarket's toilets and couldn't believe it was positive. I kept it safe all the way home to show my husband. I thought it so fragile, and just couldn't believe my luck. I kept looking at it in the car to make sure it hadn't changed to one line.

I seem to be ok for a few days, then I drop again...did you find this?

LillyLeaf Tue 10-Sep-19 22:17:28

Oh yes massively up and down. Times when I thought ok I'm past the worst then I would crash again. I had 2 pretty close together, Feb and May this year and I'm still not 'over it' and still think about it everyday but I am less angry, sad etc. I'm just trying to look forward. You will get through it in some way. But everything you are feeling is totally normal. I sometimes still want to scream at pregnancy women and sometimes I don't.

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 22:21:44

Oh that's so sad it's happened to you twice. I'm sorry. Yeah I just feel so angry and that's it's so unfair. Maybe you are right and I need to give myself a break. I'm totally judging myself as a horrible person because I feel so bitter to this pregnant "friend" of mine. Sounds like it's normal.

itseasybeingcheesy Tue 10-Sep-19 22:29:35

@sadlycindy I was 13 weeks when I found out but our baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It doesn't matter how many weeks you were, your child was yours from the moment of conception so there's no "only" amount of weeks. Don't let that make your grief feel any less valid.

I accessed counselling through my employer as they have services available to employees. By the end of the set amount of sessions I could have I felt like I had become able to manage my grief and get through my days even though I still get emotional if I talk about that time I can tell I'm not actively grieving anymore.

You'll get there, just take every day as a path all of its own.

SAMlady Tue 10-Sep-19 22:31:12

It's hard cos it robs you of the joy and hope if you are lucky enough to fall pregnant again. I didn't tell work with my DD till 25 weeks as just couldn't believe it would be ok after two losses.

I'm 7 weeks after a mc at 7 weeks now, and it really did break my heart but I do feel better now, hope it will come to you.

You can talk about it if you choose, I told people I was pregnant (mainly cos it clashed with festival and holiday season and I'm such a lush not drinking is pretty obvious anyway lol) and that did help because they supported me.

5/6 of my nct group has experienced loss (the other one infertility), it's a hard journey for lots of us.

But at the same time I totally understand the bitterness/ envy of those that have no loss and can celebrate and enjoy pregnancy.

lalag Tue 10-Sep-19 22:40:49

I was 13 weeks when I found out but our baby had stopped developing at 8 weeks. It doesn't matter how many weeks you were, your child was yours from the moment of conception so there's no "only" amount of weeks. Don't let that make your grief feel any less valid. @itseasybeingcheesy

Are you actually joking? Try tell that to someone who's had a stillbirth at 39 weeks, giving birth to that child, and burying that child. It absolutely does matter how many weeks you were.

itseasybeingcheesy Tue 10-Sep-19 22:46:37

@lalag I'm very sorry if what I said made you feel offended. What I meant to convey was that the value of the child is instant from conception.

I agree that a loss late in pregnancy will be completely devastating in different ways and that the trauma of a late loss can't be understated. The intention of my comment was not to minimise a late loss at all.

The grief felt by any pregnancy loss is going to be intense regardless of how many weeks pregnant the woman is but perhaps in different ways depending on how many weeks along the woman is at the time. I do believe it's not fair to imply that a woman who is 8 weeks pregnant should grieve less than a woman who is 39 weeks pregnant. Differently perhaps, but we can't impose our impressions of grief on others.

Again, my intention was not to hurt you.

sadlycindy Tue 10-Sep-19 22:47:34

@lalag no she is not joking. She is saying how it doesn't matter how many weeks you are, you are still entitled to grieve. Are you now telling me that I'm not entitled? That because I was only 7 weeks my grief isn't valid?

Pop1234 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:36:14

@nicola18737 After 4 losses I also know the feeling of being bitter. I had really close friends who were pregnant whilst I was miscarrying, it was very tough at times, but it did get easier. It is only a natural feeling, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

@lalag I think your comment is completely uncalled for. Nobody was comparing the grief with a stillborn. I've had 4 losses all at different stages, and they were all hard.

sadlycindy Wed 11-Sep-19 08:50:47

Thank you @Pop1234. I think I've been telling myself I'm over it, then when I get upset/angry/bitter, I'm like "what's wrong with me, I'm a horrible person". I just need to accept that it's going to take longer than I thought and it's all part of the process.

Pop1234 Wed 11-Sep-19 08:55:03

@sadlycindy did you find out at your routine 12 week scan? My second loss I went to my 12 week scan really excited and found out our baby had also stopped developing at 8 weeks. It was very tough, especially being in that environment full of pregnant ladies.

It is absolutely part of the process, it is only natural to feel bitter about something you want so badly.

starlightmagic Wed 11-Sep-19 08:56:20

I had a loss last year mmc at 12 weeks baby stopped at 10 weeks. I was bitter and angry and blocked/unfollowed a lot of people on social media. When it came to what would have been my due date I had a total breakdown, I was signed off work for two weeks and nearly quit sad however that was my turning point. Once I’d got past that milestone I gradually stopped feeling so angry and when my best friend fell pregnant again I was genuinely happy for her. It’s a long old process! flowers

sadlycindy Wed 11-Sep-19 13:23:03

@Pop1234 no I found out at a EPU scan due to bleeding. I know, the environment is awful. When I had to go back to get medical management for it, I was surrounded by couple coming out the scan with pictures. It was really quite awful. I told the doctor that they should really think about a separate area for women that are having MCs. Thank you, I am coming to realise it is normal to feel bitter.

@starlightmagic I'm so sorry it hit you so badly on the DD. I can imagine that being so hard. I'm glad you hear you are coming through it though. It makes me realise that everything is normal. and there is no set timeframe to "get over it".

ReeReeR Wed 11-Sep-19 21:01:01

I know you from the other thread. I think it’s “normal” and understandable to feel better. Life is unfair and it can feel like babies etc happen so easily for others.

As my friend said to me, you love your child from the moment they were “a line on a stick”. A pregnancy brings with it so much hope and that is lost with a MC. It is a loss no matter how far along you are.

I feel bitter and sad sometimes when I see pregnant women and babies especially if they are doing things not conducted entirely safe or best practice. I feel it’s unjust when I wouldn’t even drink caffeine when I was pregnant.

I cannot help but feel affected by the arguments about losses at different stages although I know this is not about that. I wonder what @lalag has suffered to feel so strongly and would suggest we are all kind to each other on these threads.

I had a stillbirth at 40 weeks earlier this year and I was devastated. She was a baby. She was perfect. She was healthy and viable and a fully formed perfect baby. She just happened to die before she was born. I also had a miscarriage at 4.5 weeks a month or so ago and it is different. Of course it is. For me the MC barely registered as a loss except a day part of a shit year we have had but that could be because I’m a bit numb and almost expected it. Anyway while a stillbirth is clearly different to a miscarriage they are both losses and how you deal with it and are affected by it will depend on so many things in your life like what happened before, other losses, how long it took you to get pregnant etc.

What helps me feel less negative about it all (as I’ve said on the other thread) is just realising that rubbish things happen to everyone. It’s not just you. You might have lost out this time but “the race is long” as they say and no one has it all, all of the time. I know others who have had healthy babies recently but one of them just lost her mum at a relatively young age and the other one was left by her husband weeks before her baby was born. Their loss is maybe no more or less than mine but it is different.

Try to keep yourself busy. Don’t feel bad about cutting out people who are making things harder (or even just not making things easier). I recently told a friend I don’t consider us friends any more after she hasn’t been in touch for 6 months and her first text to me, after I texted her, was to tell me she’s pregnant. I thought she could have asked how I am first since my baby died. I think it’s fair to say that friendship will never be the same.

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