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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters.

Bereavement

Advice - children at crematorium?

35 replies

butteriesplease · 10/05/2018 19:57

My mum died earlier this week. The funeral will be on 22nd. This will be fist a church service, then the 'receptiib' bit then last the crematorium. My DH has suggested that our 3 dc ( 13y 10y and 5y) don't go to the crematorium and that he takes them home at that point. I've not been to a funeral since 1994 so not sure if the crematorium would be too emotional for them?? We don't live near so would mean DH taking boys home on train and I'd like stay for another day. Thoughts? Advice? I'll need to make sure my Dad wouldn't be upset if DH did thus. I do think DC3 would be best nit at crematorium but not sure what to do.

OP posts:

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butteriesplease · 10/05/2018 19:57

Sorry for all typos.

OP posts:

TittyGolightly · 10/05/2018 19:59

Took my 7 year old to my nan’s funeral a couple of months ago. Whole thing was at the crem.

She’s been to several funerals, but this was the one with the most meaning. It has been massively helpful for her grief to have been there.

Chocolatecake12 · 10/05/2018 20:10

I’m so very sorry for your loss.
Think in your position I would ask the 13yr old what they wanted to do. Give them the choice and then if they don’t want to go let your dh either take them home or for a hot chocolate nearby. The crematorium but usually is very quick.
If your 13 yr old does want to go with you then ask the 10 year old too and give them the choice of either going with their eldest sibling and you or staying with their dad and youngest.
IMO the 5 year old is too young.

butteriesplease · 10/05/2018 20:32

I gather the crematorium could be about an hour? Will have to talk to rest of family. Why are things so complex when you most need them to be simple?

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butteriesplease · 10/05/2018 20:33

So I think as there's a church service that could allow for closure etc. Crematorium may just be too much.

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Jenijena · 10/05/2018 20:36

It’s unlikely that you’d be at the crem for an hour, mine have half hour slots usually and if the main service is in church it is a very short ceremony at the crem.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/05/2018 20:36

I have looked after several children in crematorium gardens while the service was going on, and then joined back with everyone else at the wake.

abbsisspartacus · 10/05/2018 20:37

You need to prepare an explanation if you take them

Phillipa12 · 10/05/2018 20:43

If you are having a church service first then usually the crem bit is just the committal that takes about 5/10 mins otherwise the vicar is just repeating whats already been said. Ask your older dc what they would like, my ds was 5 at his sisters funeral service in a church followed by the crematorium. The younger dc could always wait outside with your dh and the wake is although still part of a sad day its also nice to catch up with friends and relatives that you rarely see.

BELLAARA · 10/05/2018 21:00

So sorry for your loss. Whar do you want to happen? Would you rather your husband and children were there so you could say goodbye together?
Personally, I feel children shouldn't be shielded from bereavement and its consequences. It doesnt help them 7nderstsnd how to and the need to grieve. Death is made so distant now and I'm not sure that's a positive thing.
Take care OP.

butteriesplease · 11/05/2018 10:19

Thanks all x I'm torn as I want them to be there but don't want my youngest upset - it's a long journey to the crematorium as well. DH is so adamant about it. Will talk to sister x

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Trooperslane2 · 11/05/2018 10:27

Any crematorium ceremonies I have been to (especially if the service is before) have literally been 10 mins....

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 11/05/2018 10:47

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

My Dad died 11 weeks ago, we had a full service at the crematorium (30 minutes) & my dc all came (8,6,5,2,7mo, at the time). I'd explained what would happen & they had input in the service (I'm an only child of an only child). They handled it fantastically. There were a lot of people there & I think it helped to see how well liked & loved he was. My best friend, my Auntie (Mums sil) & my Mum (they had been divorced for over 25 years) all helped with them. The baby did heckle during my Grandmothers tribute (given by a cousin) but I'm certain my Dad would have thought it hilarious because he didn't get on with her.

When I've been to commitals after a service in the past they've been a maximum of 15/20 minutes long & that's mainly because of mourners filing in then out.

Starlight2345 · 11/05/2018 13:00

The 13 year old , I would ask , probably the 10 year old too. I would ask my just turned 11year old . The 5 year old you need to decide for them. Death is a reality. The last funeral I went to . The son of friend who died was there ( aged 6) to be honest he wasn’t quiet added details he thought were important but that was his mum and felt completely appropriate . I think he enjoyed hearing about his mum.

Can I add sorry for your loss

madolddogwoman40 · 11/05/2018 13:23

Both my elderly grandparents have died this year, I live at the other end of the country to my family and am a single parent so had absolutely no-one to look after my 3 yo. It was a choice of taking her to funeral or not going myself (everyone who could babysit was at funeral obviously). She & I sat right at the back, ready prepped - we’d talked in depth about what was happening and why/that people might be sad/crying - with the iPad, she sat quietly watching a film - with headphones - seemingly unaware of the situation. However, she obviously took it all in & has dealt with the losses far “better” than her cousins of similar ages who didn’t attend. Maybe that’s just a personality thing & I’ve been lucky, I don’t know, but the whole thing was much easier than I’d feared, and I got to say a proper goodbye. Plus, her presence definitely lifted the atmosphere at the “party” - her words - with her chattering away about them happily. Good luck

CoolCarrie · 11/05/2018 13:30

Sorry for your loss.
Ask the older children what they would like to do, and as pp have said your younger child could stay in the garden area. It probably would be a good idea for you to have your dh around, for your sake, even if he feels otherwise.

Cacofonix · 11/05/2018 13:41

Sorry for your loss.

FWIW when my father died a few years back I took both DDs to his funeral and they were 4 and 7. It was a graveside service and committal into the ground. So equally 'distressing' I think to as a crematorial funeral. I had explained beforehand exactly what was going to happen and also about adults crying and not to worry about that as everyone is feeling sad. I must say I couldn't have imagined not having them there. Death is a part of life and all types of funerals are part of the grieving process. DD who was 4 got down on her tummy and looked over the edge at my father's coffin in the ground. She still mentions that when we talk about the funeral. She was quite matter of fact about it all and she understood we had said goodbye and couldn't be with grandfather again. We do visit him plenty though and she always chats away to him. They are stronger than you think and will take the whole lot in their stride. Otherwise you are trying to shield them from death in a way and that is something we are disconnected from in modern life, I think.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 11/05/2018 13:46

Sorry for your loss. My df died in March and we took our 3 year old both the crematorium and also to the Church service afterwards. Partly because the coffin wasn't in Church (because we did it the other way around), I wanted ds to be able to say goodbye which he did.

I would talk to your older children and ask what they want to do.

Also if your dh isn't there, what support do you have? I would have struggled without my dh at my dad's because everyone else, me included was expected to be a rock for my dm and he (and my in-laws) were the only ones there for me.

Pigeonpair1 · 18/05/2018 09:41

When my husband died 5 years ago, DS was 8 and DD 4. They came to the church service but friends took them home afterwards. I felt the crematorium bit would be too much for them, and if I'm honest, too much for me. The church service was beautiful and as uplifting as it could be in the circumstances, but the crematorium bit was just downright horrible. I felt I could let go as the kids weren't there and I only invited family and very close friends to that bit.

kaytee87 · 18/05/2018 12:38

I think the 13&10yo should be able to decide for themselves if they should go. I think it would be a long day for a 5yo and probably best for them just to go to the church part.

SirVixofVixHall · 18/05/2018 12:48

Agree Crematorium service will be fairly short. I would take them all tbh, unless your five year old is very fidgety or tantrum prone. My dds have been at funerals all their lives, but sometimes dd2 had to be taken outside briefly when she was a toddler. Dd1 gave a reading at my Dad’s funeral, when she was 8, and sang at my mother’s, when she was 11. Children do seem to cope with funerals, and I think it is such an important part of life , it is good for all of us to have the ritual of a funeral to say goodbye. Personally I find burials easier emotionally though than cremations. I don’t like the coffin disappearing behind the curtains ,( I was a teenager when I went to my first cremation, so I didn’t grow up getting used to them ) so you could prepare your smallest in particular for what will happen, by talking her through it.
I am very sorry that you’ve lost your Mum.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/05/2018 13:01

When we have had close family funerals the children have come. I probably wouldn't take them to a distant relation's cremation or interrment .the worse thing for them is seeing their parents very sad but of course they realise from toddlerhood that that is appropriate in the case of close family dying. Sadly we have had this a few times and it has been positive and not distressing for the children.

bangingmyheadoffabrickwall · 18/05/2018 21:33

I went to a crematorium funeral back in a September. Second EVER funeral I had been to in my 39 years and there was children at that funeral.

I even took my them two year old to his grandfather’s funeral a few years ago.

By not taking a child means (to me) that you are hiding death from a child; it’s virtually saying that death and cremation is taboo; a subject not to be discussed or experienced.

But why would anyone not allow anyone, no matter what age, to be removed from an experience that is LIFE?

Death is part of us all and the reason why at 39 I have only ever been to two funerals (my father in law and a very good colleague/friend) was because my parents chose to shelter me from it. They believed it was too upsetting. Of course it was upsetting but it’s an emotion that is natural and part of human nature and they prevented me from having that emotion. What it actually did was scare me.

Last September my colleague/friend died. She was ill but still, never expected her to die. Guess why? Because I wrongly and naively thought those close to me were invincible. What followed was a period of mourning that was much more intense because I had no idea how to deal with it, how to feel or what to show in public. It was like I was afraid to grieve. I needed counselling and with that, I am in a better place.

Another ex colleague died this week. If I can, I will be going to the funeral. I am much better equipped to accept the emotions that come with it and accept that death and grief is not to be hidden but to be explored and shared.

Don’t deny your children the experience of saying goodbye or being at a crematorium or a burial. To me it’s a natural part of our lives and existence and rituals.

Don’t allow them to grow up with a fear of death, the unknown and fear of grief.

AnnaMagnani · 18/05/2018 21:37

Very unlikely crematorium will be about an hour - a double slot is usually only 30 minutes.

It is very quick, a few words and pulling a curtain round and then you are out again. The church service is likely to be a lot more emotional.

I'd offer the older ones the choice but encourage them to go because it is part of life and not scary. It's a normal part of what we do.

NC4Now · 18/05/2018 21:37

My boys were 11 and 6 when their grandad died. I was advised to ask them what they wanted. The oldest wanted to go, the youngest wanted to stay at school and go to after school club.
I had MIL on standby in case the oldest found it too much, but it was the right thing for them.
I think children have a good idea of what they can face.
Ask them.
Sorry for your loss op

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