Advice - children at crematorium?

[butteriesplease]

My mum died earlier this week. The funeral will be on 22nd. This will be fist a church service, then the 'receptiib' bit then last the crematorium. My DH has suggested that our 3 dc ( 13y 10y and 5y) don't go to the crematorium and that he takes them home at that point. I've not been to a funeral since 1994 so not sure if the crematorium would be too emotional for them?? We don't live near so would mean DH taking boys home on train and I'd like stay for another day. Thoughts? Advice? I'll need to make sure my Dad wouldn't be upset if DH did thus. I do think DC3 would be best nit at crematorium but not sure what to do.

Sorry for your loss op.

My mum died 4 months ago. My 14 DS came to the funeral. He travelled in the car behind the hearse with DH & I. Once at the crematorium he chose not to sit at the front with us but in the row behind with two of my friends. At the end everyone was invited to lay a flower on my mum’s coffin as they left the chapel. He didn’t want to do it in front of everyone so I laid the first one and he laid the last. I think my mum would’ve approved.

Sorry for your loss.

When my mum died my children and friends and relatives children all came to the service. My dd was 8 at the time and she did her own reading in front of 300 people. All the children were fine with it and I do think it helped with understanding the process.

I think it helped them all as there were lots of tears at the funeral and then calmness at the wake afterwards.

The only think I wouldn’t involve them in was the scattering of her ashes as I couldn’t bear the thought of doing it so didn’t want them to have to see that. That event was truly awful and too painful to even write about now without tears so it was the right choice.

So sorry for your loss op.
I took my 10 and 13 year olds to their granddad funeral at s crematorium a few weeks ago. My13 year old surprised herself by crying quite a lot( dad was abit grumpy and distant with kids, so she didn’t think she’d feel the loss so much).

But overall it was fine, and they coped well.

It depends on how you see things. I think it’s good to cry, as feelings need to come out , then things progress. If everything is held in feelings get stuck, and then impact other areas of your life.

I can only tell you that I went to my grandfather's funeral when I was 11yrs old and it had a lasting and negative impact on me. I was scared of my parents dying, my animals etc. I couldn't sleep without nightmares and I felt so sad for so long.

The finality really really hit me.

I felt the innocence of my childhood was lost that day, and it never came back.

Yes children need to learn the facts of life, of course, but they can do so when they are older it does not need to be when they are young.

It is a huge and upsetting, emotionally charged moment, that is bound to hurt and upset them.

I would let them play in the gardens and then come to the wake. Children at a wake always lighten the mood, and bring joy, and they will enjoy eating sandwiches and meeting relatives.

I am so sorry for your loss, but think carefully before taking them is my only advice.

Conversely, I lost a sibling at 3, and being excluded (protected) from everything related to that - including when I was older and asked questions - led to significant trauma that took a long time as an adult to deal with. Some traces remain now at 40. My parents tried to do the right things by but it absolutely wasn’t and I’ve had a lot of counselling in order to be able to cope with loss.

Maybe 11 is too late to be exposed to this and children should be taught about loss (through experience) sooner.

My daughter was 6 months when one of her great grandparents died. I took her to the funeral, but she obviously doesn’t remember it. We talk about it though. She was nearly 4 when another great grandparent died. She came to all but the cremation bit and still talks about that as “great grandma’s big party” (which is exactly what it was).

We lost her closest and most engaged great grandparent earlier this year. Whilst the least distressing of deaths, the impact it’s had on people DD sees regularly has been significant. Being open about our sadness, letting her come to the funeral (cremation - her choice), answering her questions honestly and age appropriately has meant she isn’t frightened about it and has been able to process it in her own way. (We don’t do “heaven” so death is final in the way we talk about it. It’s the love that carries on.). I’m many ways she’s been a rock for my mum and her siblings.

No doubt there’s some element of what suits one child won’t suit another, but I’m convinced that shielding children from the reality of death isn’t a good thing.

For context, DD is 7.

I think they should definitely go. You can’t shield them forever and once they are all teens they will soon sadly know other teens who have died. It’s much easier to deal with this now when it’s an older relative who (hopefully ) passed peacefully and had a happy and fulfilled life.

The service at the crem will be short and I don’t think your children will find it as distressing as you think they will.

Usually kids that age are fascinated by the logistics of it all and are more likely to upset you by their questions, especially the 5yo. So I’d try to have someone else discuss all this with them beforehand.

Or do it yourself if you feel you can cope with questions like “ how hot is the fire ? “ and “ do all the bones get burned up ? “ .

And please don’t let them “ play in the garden “ of the crematorium during the service.

Other grieving families will be there and it’s very disrespectful. Remember that your own family’s children are a happy distraction while other people’s children are badly behaved brats.

I would explain what it will entails as visually and symbolically it can be a bit "harsh" (not the word I wanted but can't think what other word to use - brain not woken up yet!) - seeing the coffin disappear through the curtains etc.

If after you've explained it to them they want to attend then I would let them but have a friend or family member on stand-by that could stay outside with them if they change their mind or want to leave halfway through

Sorry for your loss.
My dad died earlier this year. I go to a lot of client cremations (not a reflection of my care standards BTW! ) and my DDs both came along (13 and 10).
Death is a ritual of life and we explained it all to them beforehand. They were both fine through the service.