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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My Husband Passed Away Suddenly

66 replies

slinkysaluki · 05/10/2017 07:25

Lost my husband last Saturday very suddenly, we had been together 26 years. He was only 51. We have two boys 15and 19.

Everyone is shocked it happened out of the blue. I'm feeling unusually calm the last few days not sure if it's normal, I'm on autopilot I think trying to arrange the funeral and all the financial matters he dealt with.

My boys are being so brave about it. It's all like a dream then when I wake reality hits.

Would appreciate hearing other people's experiences

OP posts:

MrsMozart · 05/10/2017 07:26

I am so very sorry. I don't have any useful words, can only send you a handhold xx

Pithivier · 05/10/2017 07:35

I am so sorry for your loss. I think the shock of such a thing numbs your feelings for a while. In addition there is so much to do and you are also trying to protect and comfort those around you. There will come a time when it hits and all I can say is to be kind to yourself when it happens. I lost my Dad when he was 50 and I was scared to cry for fear of upsetting anyone. Letting your children know that there is no right or wrong way to grieve is really important.

HughLauriesStubble · 05/10/2017 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatisforteamum · 05/10/2017 07:39

I'm so sorry for your loss.I think we all go on autopilot when our loved ones die.I would accept help from others when its offered.I made calls for Mum and helped her sort clothes for the funeral the other week when Dad died.
Take care of yourself and your boys xx

CamperVamp · 05/10/2017 07:44

I am so sorry.
You had been together for more than half his life, and I am guessing as much or more than half yours.
So sorry, Slinky.

QOD · 05/10/2017 07:48

maisie123 · 05/10/2017 08:03

I lost my husband at exactly the same age but chn slightly older. After initial shock and crying i also went into auto pilot for funeral and sorting out insurances, finances etc. Also felt i had to be strong for the chn. I would be no good to them if I fell apart. Initially you are very busy but after the funeral you have more time to think and that's when it hit me. It is the little things that set you off. For me I had to leave the supermarket when I walked down the drinks aisle and realised I would no longer need to buy a certain beer. I remember breaking down when I cooked a meal for the children that was his favourite. Also being alone in the car for some reason, especially if you have the radio on and a song he loved came on.

The first year is painful with all the first Christmas, first birthday without him and first anniversary but you can plan for them to ease the pain for instance on his birthday and anniversary we planned a celebration of his life doing something he would have enjoyed (although I did give myself a little time first thing to have a cry). I think Christmas was the hardest and in hindsight we should have spent it with close family rather than on our own.

Take care and look after yourself. You will find you put all energy into looking after your children but be kind to yourself too.

UnbornMortificado · 05/10/2017 08:08

I'm so sorry

cocopops · 05/10/2017 11:04

Dear Slinkysaluki.

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my 49 year old husband without warning last year and can still remember those early days and not quite believing what is happening. In some ways, a year and a half later I still sometimes think it's all a bad dream and I will wake up from it.

Find yourself your strongest friends and lean on them as much as you can. Take whatever help you can including people making you meals, cleaning your house, taking you out for coffee and cake.

People are right- there's lots of activity until the funeral and then after it all slows down and that's when you have more time to think and reflect. You will want to be strong for your children and this will get you through but please remember to look after yourself also. A year and a half later I am finding that my daughter has come out the other side but I am really struggling and I think that's because I focused so much on her initially and getting her through it that I forgot about myself.

Sending you big hugs and all my best wishes.

MadisonAvenue · 05/10/2017 16:40

I'm so sorry

pericat · 05/10/2017 17:17

Hello. I am so very sorry this has happened to you. My lovely Dh suddenly died in June so I really understand the situation you are in.

I also have 2 boys aged 15 and 18. After a few days, they wanted life to be as normal as possible. I really struggled with this but we muffled along and they are doing well (frankly much better than me).

I found making the funeral arrangements very hard because it meant acknowledging to myself that he had really died. I just wanted him to walk through the door as usual.

Take each day as it comes. Looking into the future is still very scary without dh and so try and avoid it if possible.

Do pm me if you would like to ask any more personal questions. I also found joining Way up to be helpful. This is a forum restricted to those that are a surviving spouse/partner.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 05/10/2017 17:29

My stepmum passed away really suddenly at 53, almost eight years ago now.

A week from being ill to dying. My dad and me kept ourselves really busy in the lead up to the funeral and so it never really sunk in as much for him. It was after the funeral for my dad, when normal life resumed for everyone else, and I wasn't with him everyday making arrangements that it really sunk in and hit him.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My dad says it does get easier with time and he has met a new partner now. He said he doesn't necessarily think about her with sadness on dates like her birthday or anniversary of her death anymore like he use to in those first few years particularly those first Xmas, bdays etc without her but it can be things like a song that comes on and it hits him.

I hope you have lots of friends and family to support you over the coming weeks and months. I was happy for my dad to come over as often as he liked. I think in some ways he was able to confide in us for support because she wasnt our mum and he didn't have to stay strong for us like you will likely be feeling for your sons. Mothers do tend to try stay strong for everyone and keep everything together so make sure you turn to friends and family for support.

bookbook · 05/10/2017 17:35

no words of help , but so sorry

Blossomdeary · 05/10/2017 17:39

- sad for you.

echt · 06/10/2017 03:13

, slinky

My DH died suddenly fifteen months ago. He was only 61. Yes, the autopilot feeling is quite usual. It's often said that it hits you later. It certainly does but not, I found, as some overwhelming event (though I'm sure that can happen too) rather it keeps on coming back, bit by bit. I found the weeks before the anniversary of DH's death very taxing, the day itself joyful and pleasant with my DD.

I'm feeling it badly now. So tired of being the grown-up all the time.

I hope you have someone(s) you can talk to now and later. It's the later that does it, when people stop asking automatically.

All the best. You and your boys are in my thoughts.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/10/2017 12:48

I'm so sorry. Yourself and your lovely boys are in my thoughts and prayers.
X(((((((((()))))))))
Why is life so cruel

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/10/2017 12:56

It won't hit you just yet either. That's perfectly normal. It'll probably hit after the funeral. When I lost my mum In a strange way I wanted the funeral arrangements to go on forever, as it was something else to keep me focused on. I was terrified of the grief. Same with my dad.
However its important that you go with your feelings. Scream cry shout
Do not be scared to let your emotions out. Anger can be your friend. What has happened is so unfair.
Heartbreaking stories like this definitely make you sit up and think. You really know never the minute.

Graeb · 08/10/2017 06:25

I lost my darling husband suddenly 2 years ago when he was 60. I also arranged his funeral and all the other finance stuff as if I was on auto pilot. People kept telling me that I was so strong but the truth was that I was in shock. I hadn't really grasped the idea that he was not coming back. I knew he was dead but it didn't seem real. It was after the funeral that I started to fall apart. I didn't think I would ever survive that pain and I often wished I was back in that foggy, shocked state.

2 years later, I am still grieving and always will but I grieve differently now. What helped me was talking to other widows who were further along the path than me and seeing that time doesn't heal but it may allow you to find a way to manage how you live with the pain. I can still have the breath knocked out of me without warning by particular memories or events. My life will never be the same without him. I miss him terribly every day but I'm still standing and I take life moment by moment.

I wish you all the best.

Original poster

slinkysaluki · 08/10/2017 22:34

Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. to you all.
Graeb - your experience hit home with me. I'm dreading the funeral and after, that feeling of helplessness and despair. Also my boys pain, when my 15 year old us crying pitifully sobbing he wants his dad back
I haven't grasped the fact I will never see him again, I think that's the worst thing about it all. I sat yesterday looking at the clock expecting him to come home.

It's all so final. I think of all the things I should have said and done, all the things he won't see and his children he won't see grow up.

I've had a weeks bereavement leave paid but that's all I get. I'm not ready to go back to work yet.

OP posts:

Normalserviceissuspended · 08/10/2017 22:39

I've had a weeks bereavement leave paid but that's all I get. I'm not ready to go back to work yet.

Go to the GP and get signed off as sick.

echt · 09/10/2017 07:31

What Normalservice said. My DH died in the school holidays and I negotiated a phased return on full pay that suited me. I was fortunate that my employers were decent. On the other hand, had they not played the game, I would have got signed off.

Now I think of it my doctor, who I had to see about another matter, just said how long do you want off, when I hadn't asked for it.

Take the time.

Original poster

slinkysaluki · 09/10/2017 18:11

Unfortunately I don't get sick pay, I only work 16 hours a week. I will have to take time off unpaid and worry about it later. Thank you x

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 09/10/2017 18:16

I'm so very sorry OP. Heartfelt sympathies to you and your DC. What a terrible thing to have happened.

Please try to be very kind to yourself. Easier said than done I know, but right now you need time to grieve and time to be there for your boys. The rest will sort itself out with time - job, money, etc - try not to stress about them right now. They mean nothing. Life is just shit sometimes.

DancingDragon · 09/10/2017 18:19

Im sorry slinky. I lost my husband a few years ago too. Come and join www.windowedandyoung.co.uk when you're ready. You do have to pay to join, but i think they will give concessions for financial hardship. Its a very supportive place and it helps to have a network of others in the same situation.

x2boys · 17/10/2017 10:47

It's normal to feel shocked my husband's sister was found dead two and a half years ago there was also a police inquiry because of the circumstances its a very traumatic time and only now are we beginning to process it im sorry for your loss

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