My BIL is killing me!

[UpInTheClouds15]

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

[MrMrsJones]

He leaves or you do

[SituationCritical]

It would be me or him.

[BashStreetKid]

Of course YANBU. Tell your partner that he is going to be in a world of pain if he doesn't support you 100% in telling his brother to leave within, say, one week. It's not being unkind to him, he's had more than enough time to sort himself out.

If he won't go, wait till he's out of the house and change the locks, putting his stuff outside the front door.

[ChaToilLeam]

Your partner is an absolute drip, what kind of man allows this? Time to lay down the law in no uncertain terms, pack the brother’s stuff and change the locks. He is monumentally taking the piss.

[HabitsDieHard]

How old is this charmer? If he's past the teenage years I would give him a moving out date and stick to it.

[DowntonCrabby]

Yes YABU not to just kick him the duck out. Your DH should be growing a pair here and insisting he finds somewhere by the end of the month. You’ve been far too accommodating of his behaviour.

[starrynight87]

Your DH needs to step in immediately.

Wow.

[DurhamDurham]

He's waking your son up and your husband feels bad asking him to leave?
I'd be showing them both the door.

[Wafflesnsniffles]

Id help him pack his stuff. Time to go bro!

[MumInBrussels]

Pack his stuff up while he's sleeping through the day in your house, and when he finally wakes up, tell him he needs to find somewhere to live because in 1 week, all his stuff is going out on the pavement and you're changing all the locks?

That's probably not legal (though your BIL might not know this...) but I think it will take something of this scale to get through to him, sadly. What an arsehole, after you were so nice to him!

[ANameChangeAgain]

He is a piss taker. Write him an eviction letter declaring him homeless, which he should be able to take to the council and use to get emergency accommodation. In my area this would be a room in a hostel.

[AnotherMansCause]

Did you set up a proper tenancy agreement with him? What does your DH say/think about it? TBH I'd say this is for your DH to sort out. But if he doesn't, in your shoes I'd say to DH that either your BIL leaves or I do. No way would I be putting up with, and funding, a lazy disrespectful layabout who steals your food etc. Will he still be there in 5 years, stealing your children's food?

If you don't have a tenancy agreement can you put the rent up? Change the WIFI password? Put a lock on the kitchen & force him to buy his own food? Do you have a 2nd bathroom that he could use?

[UpInTheClouds15]

@UpInTheClouds15

So last year in August my partner and I decided to let his younger brother live with us for minimal rent until he sorted his financial situation out, but from the start we set out clear boundaries and told him that since we have a young child and want another one that he would have to move when he could afford it or when our family was expanding.
Fast forward, I am now pregnant with my second and we have told him he needs to find somewhere else, he has made no effort to find anywhere, whenever we show him somewhere he screws up his nose and says no. He keeps helping himself to our food, he helped himself to a whole bottle of alcohol that you cant buy in the UK and is very expensive and was a gift from my brother before he moved away. And now he is using bottles (and I mean whole bottles) of my expensive hair care products. He does no cleaning, he barely keeps his room clean, he sleeps in all day awake all night making noise, keeps waking my son up...and keeps getting himself further into debt. He literally is a different breed. We've told him several times about different things but he doesnt listen, he laughs at me and walks away. And my partner feels bad for asking him to leave!? What should I do?? Am I being unreasonable??

Also just to add. He then denies taking our stuff or saying he didnt realise, with the hair care products he said his is more expensive so why would he use mine.. his bottle has been empty for a week?!

[Stompythedinosaur]

Set a date for him to move out and stick to it. How old is he? If young, are you in a position to help with a deposit and first month's rent just to get him out?

[AnotherMansCause]

That is quite harsh actually @billy1966. And unnecessary. Victim blaming much? The BIL moved in, in August. The OP may already have been pregnant by then, or the the BIL may still have been behaving reasonably responsibly at that point.

[girlmom21]

@AnotherMansCause

That is quite harsh actually *@billy1966*. And unnecessary. Victim blaming much? The BIL moved in, in August. The OP may already have been pregnant by then, or the the BIL may still have been behaving reasonably responsibly at that point.

Oh get a grip. She's not a victim. She's an adult who set boundaries she won't stick to.

[steppemum]

when he denys it, eg with hair care he is trying to gaslight you.

Present him with a bill, list hair care, alcohol, rent, bills.

Give him a deadline. After the dealine the rent is £500 per week, have a tenancy agreement ready.

In other words, give him a reality check.

But you need to do this with your dh. Maybe your dh needs to see that bill first....

[StoneofDestiny]

Blimey - pack his stuff and change your locks. No way would this lump be in my home. If your DH feels bad he could go with him.

[JDaytona]

Tell him he has 30 days to leave.

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

30 days my arse, no tenancy agreement, he’s not even a lodger. Change the locks while he’s out. (I’d be tempted not to give his soft brother a key too) He wants his stuff he coughs up for replacements and pays for a deep clean of his room (guaranteed it’s a pit)

[CuriousaboutSamphire]

Don't give him 30 days. Tell him he has to be out by the weekend. He has no legal recourse he is, at best, a lodger, as well as a thief.

Then, when he doesn't leave and your DH says something about feeling bad about it, pick up your already packed bags, kids etc and fuck off somewhere, anywhere... your parents perhaps.

Tell them both that this is what happens when you choose to be fuckwits instead of adults and wait to see what they decide to do.

Bit you can't carry on like that. It must feel like being Mrs Hudson to a very sub par Sherlock.

[1forAll74]

Your partner needs to step up big time, with no emotions about feeling sorry for your BIL. If you don't take some drastic actions, the guy will be there forever, ruining you happiness, and disrupting your home life.. You can't feel sorry for slobby people, who have no respect for others.

[AnotherMansCause]

On what terms did you agree to have your BIL live with you? Is he a lodger, is it completely unofficial? Has he ever had any post come to the house?

You could tell him in writing he has 7/30/however many days to leave. You could even change the locks & bag all his stuff up on the front step when that time has expired, assuming he hasn't left on his own. It might be legal but, it might not. Potentially he has rights if the terms of his residency weren't clearly established. You could find yourselves in hot water if he took the trouble to find out. But, he might not, he sounds too lazy.

[user1493494961]

Pack his bags and leave them outside the front door.