AIBU to think my friend changed the goalposts

[StepCatsmother]

A friend needed to go into hospital for a small procedure and asked if I would be able to collect her after it and drive her home. I said I would, so long as when she had the date, I didn't have other arrangements already - she knew I had a week's holiday in October, plus a weekend away.

I hear nothing about it for a while, then on 7/10, while I am on holiday, she sends a message saying the procedure is in 6 days and that 'I have to stay with her overnight or she will have to stay in hospital'. This is the first time an overnight stay was mentioned.

I tell her immediately that I don't know if it is possible as the date of her procedure is the date my car has been booked for a service - this wouldn't have mattered based on the original request to pick her up as my OH was happy for me to use his car for this. However, it doesn't allow for an overnight stay as with only one car between me and OH, one of us wouldn't have been able to get to work on time the next day and being on holiday, neither of us could request the next morning off.

I tell her I will try to change the service date for my car, but remind her that I'm on holiday and may not be able to get a reply from the garage straight away (I reality, I think this bit was my mistake, I should have just said it wasn't workable at this point).

The garage could not move my service and I let her know that I cannot stay overnight. I offer to collect her from the hospital if someone else is able to stay with her. At this point it's 4 days before the surgery.

Long story short, she has a massive rant at my via message and is no longer talking to me. She says I am selfish and have let her down.

I do feel bad that I wasn't able to help & understand why she feels a let down, but that her reaction is OTT. I feel that giving someone 6 days notice of the need for an overnight stay when they are on holiday & can't really sort the necessary things out isn't entirely fair and she should have seen that herself really.

It feels like it should be a storm in a teacup but it's been a couple of weeks now and she is still not talking to me.

Am I a selfish cow? Have I gone totally wrong here?

[CreepySpider]

Does she has form for this sort of thing or could this just be anxiety over the operation and miscommunication?

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

She knew you were away. Ok, she didn't know you had a car service booked, but then she hadn't told you she needed someone to stay with her overnight!

Let her stay in hospital if she can't find another friend to put with her demands. Not your fault.

And if she's sulking and trying to 'punish' you by not talking, let her crack on! She's not your friend. Just a user.

[Babyfg]

If it's a one off and she's not normally like this I'd wonder if she was nervous/ scared of the procedure and things like that make me flustered that I might not be as prepared as I usually am or I thought I told people stuff and hadn't. I'd have probably let it go or tried a bit harder to be there for here.

If she usually expects you to jump when she says how high I'd say enjoy you overnight stay love! Some people think everyone is just waiting in the shadows with nothing to do until they summon them.


Was she able to find someone? She's not spoken to you in weeks?

[StepCatsmother]

I guess she has a bit of form for unreasonable expectations.

For example, her boyfriend lives in another country and part of her recent crossness was that he could not come over to look after her for this procedure (again in circumstances where she could not confirm the date until the last minute).

She can be very direct about what she expects, and open in her displeasure when her expectations are not met, but I am usually able to respond without her getting this upset.

In the context of our friendship as a whole, it is upsetting as she was in my 'bubble' through all the lockdowns and had an open invitation to our home (her family are also in another country) despite at that time, her being a relatively new friend. I have never let her down before so I'm surprised at the stance she has taken over this.

You may be right that concerns about the procedure got the better of her.

[StepCatsmother]

Was she able to find someone? She's not spoken to you in weeks?

She stayed 1 night in hospital and another friend took her home.

I asked her how she was doing the following day and she has not responded. That was 2 weeks ago.

[StepCatsmother]

She knew you were away. Ok, she didn't know you had a car service booked, but then she hadn't told you she needed someone to stay with her overnight!

This is what I am thinking - neither of us knew the full picture but that was because the surgery date / need for overnight stay was confirmed with so little notice.

I'm not annoyed to have been asked and did make an effort to see what i could do despite being on holiday, I just don't know why she sees it so differently!

[TotallySuper]

She sounds hard work I wouldn't rush to get back in touch with her personally.

[sbhydrogen]

She can spend the bloody night in hospital! It's not like she's going to be out on the streets.

She's been ridiculous.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

I only voted YABU because I have had invasive surgery and was not told all the requirements until my presurgery appointment which was two days before my actually surgery. It was only at that point that I found out not only did I need a lift home, but I needed someone to help me from bed to bathroom for 48hrs afterwards....so two overnight stays. Luckily I had a DH and it was no problem, but if I had been single and depending on a friend, I would have felt similar to your friend.

I don’t think she personally moved the goal posts, it is more likely the hospital did not tell her about the overnight stay from a carer until the 6 day mark when she then told you.

I also think it very odd that you used you car being serviced as an excuse to back out of your commitment. Most garages provide a loaner car for very cheap when a car is being serviced, why didn’t you get one? And even if the garage you use didn’t have one, then why couldn’t you get a taxi and ride with her and then have your DH pick you up or take another taxi? I’m sure she would have split costs with you.

To me, you seem like you said yes, but didn’t really mean it and took first excuse you could and left your friend hanging.

[yeahitsabadidea]

@PlanDeRaccordement

I only voted YABU because I have had invasive surgery and was not told all the requirements until my presurgery appointment which was two days before my actually surgery. It was only at that point that I found out not only did I need a lift home, but I needed someone to help me from bed to bathroom for 48hrs afterwards....so two overnight stays. Luckily I had a DH and it was no problem, but if I had been single and depending on a friend, I would have felt similar to your friend.

I don’t think she personally moved the goal posts, it is more likely the hospital did not tell her about the overnight stay from a carer until the 6 day mark when she then told you.

I also think it very odd that you used you car being serviced as an excuse to back out of your commitment. Most garages provide a loaner car for very cheap when a car is being serviced, why didn’t you get one? And even if the garage you use didn’t have one, then why couldn’t you get a taxi and ride with her and then have your DH pick you up or take another taxi? I’m sure she would have split costs with you.

To me, you seem like you said yes, but didn’t really mean it and took first excuse you could and left your friend hanging.

I entirely disagree...

The op was doing a favour. She's not obliged to do anything. She warned her she was on holiday and had things booked.

It's not the ops fault if the hospital changes the rules last minute. It's a big ask.

Ultimately if someone can't help you out with a favour the last thing I would do is have a hissy for and ignore them. But hey that's me.

Op - I wouldn't be in any rush to get back in touch.

[antoniawhite]

Actually loads of garages are not offering courtesy cars at the moment because of Covid. The OP said to her friend that she had other things booked in October and would do her best to manage it, but couldn't promise.
Your friend sounds a bit of a nightmare, OP. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all.

[MichelleScarn]

why couldn’t you get a taxi and ride with her and then have your DH pick you up or take another taxi? I’m sure she would have split costs with you.

Why on earth would op have to pay towards a taxi?!

[StepCatsmother]

PlanDeRaccordement I do appreciate hearing this perspective, as it helps me understand what she might be thinking.

My garage doesn't provide a loan car that I'm aware of and whilst I see there may have been other options given some thought, probably along the lines of OH collecting us and me getting a taxi the next morning, with being on holiday, none of that occurred to me at the time. I focussed on trying to change the service date. I do feel bad about that.

I don't think it's entirely fair to say I didn't mean it when I said yes, I was happy to agree to the original request i.e. lifts to/from hospital and still could have done that - it was the addition of the overnight stay that threw me.

In any event, I have been apologetic about it and I think as I've said in an earlier comment, I am sad she appears to want to throw away an entire friendship over it where I have done a lot for her at other times.

[Honeyroar]

I get that hospitals change things around at late notice, so it’s not especially your friend moving the goalposts. And I get that she might be worrying about the procedure and feeling nobody cares enough to help her afterwards, but her expectations of people to change everything around for her is unreasonable and her reaction and nasty texts are just rude.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@yeahitsabadidea
We can disagree. But I still think it’s a poor “friend” who decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help only 4 days before because her car is in the garage. OP should have just said no from the start instead of saying yes and then pulling out at the 11th hour for a piss poor excuse.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'd be finding a new friend. She's being completely unreasonable.

[TheQueenOfTheNight]

Let her go, it was bound to happen sometime and she's no loss.

She's a relatively new friend that you've done a lot for. She expects a lot from people. If you'd been able to help this time, then next time you had to say no she'd have shown her true colours. You say she's got history for this so it wag inevitable that you fell short of her unreasonable expectations sometime.

I'm sure you have been very thoughtful and caring in your actions and your words since you became friends. It sounds like she has unrealistic expectations of others and will constantly feel annoyed with people, like a young child. There's nothingyou can do so just let her go.

[yeahitsabadidea]

@antoniawhite

Actually loads of garages are not offering courtesy cars at the moment because of Covid. The OP said to her friend that she had other things booked in October and would do her best to manage it, but couldn't promise.
Your friend sounds a bit of a nightmare, OP. I don't think you've done anything wrong at all.

She texted her immediately whilst on holiday to say her car was in for a service. At that point I'd be looking for an alternative friend instead of asking them to rearrange everything for me.

It's not the ops responsibility to bend over backwards and rearrange her whole life. She is doing her a favour.

I still wouldn't sulk like a five year old afterwards. But I think that shows more of her character and attitude towards the op.

[PlanDeRaccordement]

@StepCatsmother
I’m happy to hear you have apologised. I don’t know what her surgery was for, but mine carried with it a risk of dying while under general anaesthesia and long recovery if I survived it. So, if her surgery was anything similar to mine, I am afraid her stress was worlds beyond your stress of juggling a holiday and car service. I would be rethinking my friendship with you in her shoes if left to cope alone/find another friend to help with only 4 days notice.

But I admit I may be biased considering I am basing my reaction off my personal experience.

Anyway, if she’s as unreasonable as you say generally speaking, then it will be a relief to you to not have her in your life and I wouldn’t worry any more.

[Owlink]

She's not a friend. She's a user. Get rid.

[StepCatsmother]

decides to renege on a promise of post surgery help

I didn't renege on what I agreed to. I couldn't do the extra asked of me at 6 days notice.

[LookItsMeAgain]

You didn't need to do anything regarding shifting your car service. She had the option of being able to stay in overnight following her procedure. She didn't want to (which was her choice) but she doesn't then have the right to have a go at you for not being at her beck and call on that day.
I'd have to send one last message (and then either block or mute her number) by saying "Hi X, I do hope you're feeling better now after your procedure. I am sorry that I got flustered by the request you made at short notice asking to come home on the day of your procedure and then when I tried to reschedule my annual car service to accommodate you when you mentioned in your message to me that you had the option of staying in hospital for that night. It is probably best to stay where trained medical staff can give you the best of attention. I don't think that I would have been able to look after you as well as they did. Once again, I do hope you're feeling much better and are well on the road to recovery. All the best @StepCatsmother"

Or something to that effect. If she doesn't want to resume contact at that point, then you at least know where you stand.

[SylvanasWindrunner]

But OP didn't renege on anything? She agreed to collect her and was going to do that regardless because she was going to borrow her husband's car. But then friend dropped the bombshell about how OP would have to stay overnight, which wasn't anything she knew about when she had agreed to collect her. It's a totally different thing.

[StepCatsmother]

I don’t know what her surgery was for

To have a polyp removed from her leg. My understanding is that as she needed anaesthetic, she needed someone overnight or to stay in for one night.

I do understand where you are coming from and started this thread because I need to try and get to grips with what she might be thinking if this is going to be repairable.

[Hankunamatata]

But your putting you car service over your friend. The garage cant postpone the service for next month?