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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume partner must of cheated if I've suddenly got an std

49 replies

lonelylou09 · 03/07/2021 01:30

Been together for over 2 n half years. Lived together for most of that.
Sex was amazing to start off with but fizzled out quickly to hardly ever..think maybe 2 or 3 times this year.
I've had issues down there in the past..itching ect and I've been told not to take long hot bubble baths as it upsets the balance. The past 2 weeks has been really bad. Sore, itchy and swollen but today I've found a spot so had a look.
Omg I think it's genital herpes. There's 3 white blistery spots there that are very sore.
I know I've not been near anyone but I've recently been away for a week and am still in contact with my ex as we share dogs together ( that's a whole other thread!) So I feel like if I mention it to my partner he's going to think I've been unfaithful but AIBU to think maybe he had been cheating?
We've not had sex since I've been back from my break and I've never had any reason to suspect him before so maybe an underlying issue?
I'm trying to stop myself from sneaking his phone while he's asleep to see if theres anything on there.
Obviously I'll go to the sexual health clinic asap but in the meantime what should I do?
I had full health checks done before we started dating as my last partner was using swinging websites behind my back and nothing came up.

OP posts:
spaceghett0 · 03/07/2021 01:34

Ok, firstly you don't know what you have yet as you haven't seen a dr yet. Secondly, i think some STDs can lay dormant for a whiles, so it doesn't necessarily prove cheating at all. Firstly you need a check up, secondly you need an honest chat.

RavingAnnie · 03/07/2021 01:44

Agree with PP you need to get a confirmed diagnosis first.

Herpes can lay dormant for years and can start/flare during a period of stress or bring U.K. or run down.

Having said that this did happen to a friend of mine and it turned out that unfortunately her partner had been cheating. May not be the case for you though.

Skyecat · 03/07/2021 01:50

Herpes simplex isn't tested for by the NHS unless you have symptoms. The skin will be swabbed if so. Private blood testing is available but has around a 3/10 false negative rate. Most people (4/5) are asymptomatic or have symptoms so mild they go undiagnosed. So, please don't jump to conclusions about your partner. Get swabbed at a gum clinic and take it from there.

thebattleofschrutefarms · 03/07/2021 01:50

Is there a chance it could be something else? This happened to my friend, she almost broke up with her partner before realising she was having a reaction to sanitary pads.
I wouldn't do anything until you've had the test.

MegaCityOne · 03/07/2021 02:11

@thebattleofschrutefarms

Is there a chance it could be something else? This happened to my friend, she almost broke up with her partner before realising she was having a reaction to sanitary pads. I wouldn't do anything until you've had the test.
I know a few women this has happened to. It might also be ingrown hairs and if you’ve scratched the skin in will form something that looks like an ulcer because the skin in the area isn’t dry long enough to form a scab. Also know someone who had herpes undetected for ten years when it started. She was not in a relationship with anyone for that ten years so you never know. GUM clinic to get it checked out. Change the brand of any pads.
DK123 · 03/07/2021 02:34

I wouldn't think anything of it without a diagnosis. My ex accused me of cheating on him and tried to dump me - it turned out I had some harmless cysts that weren't relevant to anything.
It's possible that herpes lies dormant as pps have said, but you'd always have to balance that out against whether you did already have suspicions if it turned out you do have it (It's very possible you don't though, but get checked to be on the safe side)

Thehenbunringsock · 03/07/2021 03:45

I saw a doctor once for a similar issue (I went because I suspected thrush) and the doctor was treating me like a naive fool for assuming my husband hadn't cheated and given me an STD.

Guess what? Results came back - thrush.

Don't panic.

JhsLs · 03/07/2021 06:54

Did he get a full health check when you started dating? Because you said yours was just before you got together, meaning he could have had something and passed it on after you’d been given a clean bill of health prior to your relationship.

Mummadeze · 03/07/2021 07:01

I suddenly got herpes. I don’t think my partner gave it to me. It happened after I had contracted an ear and eye infection on holiday in Thailand with my girlfriends and was really run down. I had to tell him and felt awful. It looked like I had cheated on holiday. But it must have been lying dormant and just came out because my defence system was so low. What you are describing sounds like herpes. But obviously get checked ASAP. It may well not be his fault, hope not anyway.

Rockitrosie · 03/07/2021 07:03

This happened to me - it was herpes and the doctor told me it was the kind that can be caused by cold sores (dh gets cold sores) - I think there are two types - and can also lie dormant for years. I was in tears when I went to the surgery, the doctor was lovely and reassuring. So don’t panic just yet.

yikesanotherbooboo · 03/07/2021 07:08

It is very committed n for genital herpes to appear in a faithful long-standing relationship. Go to a gu clinic for diagnosis and advice.

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 03/07/2021 07:22

Thank you all for your advice. Have had a very sleepless night and woke up feeling rubbish.
My previous partner was using swinging websites and arranging meetups with men so I requested a full screening including HIV all came back negative.
I've had warts once years ago whilst in a relationship and although when I told him he accused me of cheating as he didn't have anything on him I later ended the relationship because I found out he was cheating.
Definitely herpes as I had a better look last night and there are blisters everywhere.
This is probably the first relationship I've had where I've never felt insecure with him so I would be pretty sure he's not cheated but I guess past experiences have now got me thinking.
I'll have to wait til Monday now to get hold of the clinic and go from there.
Thank you everyone. I feel less grubby now and a bit calmer

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/07/2021 21:11

You need to test
And herpes could lie dormant for years

So don’t autmoticallly assume the worst

PinkDaffodil2 · 03/07/2021 21:17

You need a swab to confirm, and I’d get a full check for peace of mind.
If herpes it could easily have been dormant / few symptoms in your partner for a couple of years so doesn’t necessarily mean cheating. It would not have been picked up on an STI screen fit either if you as only swabbed if symptomatic. Also could have been picked up from someone with a cold sore and oral sex.

gamerchick · 03/07/2021 21:20

If you've had an outbreak before. Surely you know they can crop up again?

Go and get tested and take it from there.

Baker0104 · 03/07/2021 21:34

Oh gosh I know exactly how you feel... I'd just got into a new relationship (we'd both had an std test before we got together and was clear) and then 3 months into the relationship I was in agony down below. Went to the GP, she looked and said it was herpes but I had to go to the GUM clinic to be swabbed. It was herpes but there are 2 types and I had the mouth version but on my genitals. The doctor told me it could have been passed on during oral sex from my partner or it could have been I had the start one of my mouth, touched it and then touched down below. Alternatively it could have been laying dormant for years and just happened to come out then (it only shows up on a STD test if you're in the middle of an outbreak)

My partner was amazing and it's just one of those things.... Pretty crap but it happens! We don't have sex when I have an outbreak. If I do have an outbreak then I take medication and use a cream to numb the pain. I'm 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and I've been on medication since 36 weeks to suppress an outbreak so I can have a vaginal birth.
Good luck and get to the GUM clinic to get swabbed ASAP. They can give you some creams etc to help with the pain 😘

bbd72 · 03/07/2021 21:57

I could have wrote your op!!!

I started with a middle ear infection and body aches flulike symptoms on Tuesday and then when having sex on Wednesday night had a very sharp pain in one area down below (felt like when use sanitiser on your hand and have a paper cut). I have had what I thought was thrush for the past two weeks (massive increase in discharge and general uncomfortable/swollen feeling down below), I booked an appointment at the sexual health clinic for yesterday and she said it was one tiny ulcer and she suspects herpes.

I have definitely not cheated and I don't for one minute think that my fiance has, when speaking to the nurse she asked if I had felt run down/stressed lately (which I have) I also had my COVID vaccine a week before the symptoms started. She said that the virus can lie dormant for years even forever without an outbreak

Original poster
lonelylou09 · 04/07/2021 23:43

Thanks for all the replies and it's so reassuring to know it's not just me.
I've no reason to suspect my partner of cheating except for past experiences I guess and in situations like that your brain runs through every possible scenario.
I'm going to call the clinic in the morning.
I actually felt so rubbish yesterday that I told him in the morning as I didn't want him thinking I was keeping it a secret. He was abit confused as he couldn't understand why it would be popping up now.
I explained as best as I could that I don't think I've had it before but who knows. I did request a full screening just before we started dating but have since read that wouldn't of been tested for.
He was really great about it and just said that if it's something I do have for life then he's not bothered as it's never caused him any issues since we've been together.
So at least that's a relief that he trusted me enough to not think I'd caught it.

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 04/07/2021 23:49

If he gets cold sores he could have given it to you via oral sex.

Appalonia · 04/07/2021 23:51

As others have said, it can lie dormant for YEARS. There is a v supportive FB group with members who have been living with this condition for years, it is very manageable PM me if you want the details. I know it can feel v distressing st first but it can be controlled with suppressant medication. It's also much more common than you think!

Baker0104 · 05/07/2021 00:22

@lonelylou09 glad you've spoken to him and he was supportive. It's a lot to take on board straight away for both of you.
If you're in a lot of pain then you can get lidocaine ointment from the chemist and it'll help with the pain. Also use a jug of warm water to pour over yourself when you have a wee if that's hurting. Hope it calms down soon - they say the first outbreak is the most painful 😬

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/07/2021 07:19

It also abates
The first one is horrific
Bit I barely get it now and take aclivocar if I feel even a tingle
It doesn’t have to be a life changer I promise

hamstersarse · 05/07/2021 07:25

Just as an aside…I had a cold sore outbreak after having the vaccine. Not had one for 20 years. Seems to reignite the dormant virus.
Have you just had the vaccine?

Ughmaybenot · 05/07/2021 07:32

I may have misread but if you’ve had warts before, then you’ve not caught them off anyone this time, the virus just stays in your body and can cause a flare up along the way. There can be years between flares but it’s still that same virus.

PatchyTwat · 05/07/2021 07:38

The vaccine is a good point, I was diagnosed years ago but have never ever actually had a coldsore down there, just know I carry the virus.

After my first vaccine I had a small outbreak (just one), I think it fucks with your immune system enough to cause it. Been fine since, have you had your vaccine lately?

It’s more likely you’ve carried it for ages and just have a low immune system and an outbreak now.

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