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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To assume partner must of cheated if I've suddenly got an std

49 replies

lonelylou09 · 03/07/2021 01:30

Been together for over 2 n half years. Lived together for most of that.
Sex was amazing to start off with but fizzled out quickly to hardly ever..think maybe 2 or 3 times this year.
I've had issues down there in the past..itching ect and I've been told not to take long hot bubble baths as it upsets the balance. The past 2 weeks has been really bad. Sore, itchy and swollen but today I've found a spot so had a look.
Omg I think it's genital herpes. There's 3 white blistery spots there that are very sore.
I know I've not been near anyone but I've recently been away for a week and am still in contact with my ex as we share dogs together ( that's a whole other thread!) So I feel like if I mention it to my partner he's going to think I've been unfaithful but AIBU to think maybe he had been cheating?
We've not had sex since I've been back from my break and I've never had any reason to suspect him before so maybe an underlying issue?
I'm trying to stop myself from sneaking his phone while he's asleep to see if theres anything on there.
Obviously I'll go to the sexual health clinic asap but in the meantime what should I do?
I had full health checks done before we started dating as my last partner was using swinging websites behind my back and nothing came up.

OP posts:

BigFatLiar · 05/07/2021 07:53

You probably both need to be checked out. Even if he didn't have herpes and this is a flare up of a long standing issue he may have caught it from you before you became aware. Better safe than sorry.

PatchyTwat · 05/07/2021 08:21

There isn’t any point @BigFatLiar gum clinics don’t test for it unless he has symptoms. They can’t really.

Also they’d pick up that about 1 in every 4 people carry it genitally and over 90% orally so it would be a mass panic for no reason.

orangejuicer · 05/07/2021 08:24

I think you kind of glossed over your partner's previous infidelity in your original post OP. Yes, he could well be cheating. However you need to find out what it is first.

Bumblenums1234 · 05/07/2021 08:30

@orangejuicer

I think you kind of glossed over your partner's previous infidelity in your original post OP. Yes, he could well be cheating. However you need to find out what it is first.

I think she meant her ex, not current partner.

ineedanewnameplease · 05/07/2021 08:45

I really sorry you're unwell but do wonder why youve:stayed with him anyway

KnobJockey · 05/07/2021 08:50

@lonelylou09 If youve had it once before, it can come back at any time. Absolutely any time. It's the same virus as a cold sore- you can't get the first one unless you catch it off someone, but once you've had one, it can come back whenever youre run down, tired, etc. It's basically there waiting in your system for it to be weak enough to flare up.

shivawn · 05/07/2021 08:55

@ineedanewnameplease she hasn't, she has a new partner now.

Newkitchen123 · 05/07/2021 09:05

Another option is that it could be lichen sclerosis. This is itchy, small white bumps and is treated with steroids

lovelybitofsquirrell · 05/07/2021 09:19

stop panicking, it may not be an STD. get to the SexHealth clinic for a diognosis.

herpes in particular can lay dormant for many many years. you could have had the virus since you were a teenager. i think stress and low immune systems can flare it up. (although dont quote me on that)

NoBetterthanSheShouldBe · 05/07/2021 09:22

I had a minor outbreak of what I suspect is sacral herpes after both vaccinations. No stress, no infidelity. Stress sometimes triggers a flare up for me.

BrimfulOfBaba · 05/07/2021 09:29

Get to a clinic as herpes can only be confirmed once there's an outbreak to confirm.

If it is herpes, frustratingly, it's not something you can pinpoint to a particular time, as the virus can lay dormant in your nerves for years before making itself known. So it won't necessarily be proof he cheated.

RevolvingPivot · 05/07/2021 09:42

@orangejuicer
@ineedanewnameplease

I think you're confused

NVision · 05/07/2021 09:56

Could have been your ex if he was confirmed cheating, and been dormant in you for some time.

Could be your current partner, whether he was cheating or not, and been dormant in you for some time.

Equally could be absolutely anybody you have had sex or oral with in the past, who may have had zero symptoms at the time.

Get it checked/swabbed/tested for peace of mind.

thenewduchessofhastings · 05/07/2021 09:58

It could be folliculitis

bbd72 · 05/07/2021 14:59

Just to update on my situation... I had my results back today and they are all NORMAL!!!!

So please do not worry just yet as you may be the same as me (the nurse was fairly sure it would be herpes)

I am so glad that I was honest with my fiancé and didn't just to conclusions thinking that he had cheated

Also genital warts are completely different to genital herpes

Baker0104 · 05/07/2021 15:53

@bbd72

Just to update on my situation... I had my results back today and they are all NORMAL!!!!

So please do not worry just yet as you may be the same as me (the nurse was fairly sure it would be herpes)

I am so glad that I was honest with my fiancé and didn't just to conclusions thinking that he had cheated

Also genital warts are completely different to genital herpes

Good news! Hope you feel better soon!

orangejuicer · 05/07/2021 15:59

Yes - confused here, thanks!

Original poster

lonelylou09 · 12/07/2021 16:14

Sorry for long delay but just to update for anyone following ..I went last week and got tested. I was told that I could of had sex with someone when I was 16 and it could be flaring up now..I'm 41. Was also told that unless they get a good swab from what's in the spots it's unlikely it would result in a positive result so that's why nothing came back before.
And yes I meant me previous partner was cheating not my current or I really wouldn't be staying with him. Just to clear that up. I glossed over it as it was a horrendous time for me. 😥😥
They did take a sample at the clinic and I've just had a positive result. I actually kind of feel relieved as at least now I know.
They were also very reassuring that it didn't mean either of us had cheated as it can lie dormant for years.
Yes I had my first Vaccine jab about 5/6 weeks ago now and it made me very ill. Never been so physically sick in my life. So possible that's made me run down.
Guess it's one of those things that I'll never know.

OP posts:

Youdiditanyway · 12/07/2021 16:37

The doctor is right, herpes can flare up at any point and it may well have been lying dormant in your system for years. You can’t jump straight into blaming your partner at all. If it were any other STI then yeah, sure.

WillowGrand · 13/07/2021 10:36

Sorry it came back positive but the clinic is right it could have been there forever. I have one now, again post Covid jab so I strongly suspect there is a link as the only 2 coldsores I’ve ever had have been after the jabs!

lucywang · 07/04/2022 03:00

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

ittakes2 · 07/04/2022 05:42

gogle GUM clinic they test for free.
I can't see how he gave you herpes recently as you don't appear to have had sex with him recently?

Antarcticant · 07/04/2022 07:38

This thread is more than 6 months old - just to warn anyone who might be posting detailed advice to the OP.

hangrylady · 07/04/2022 08:19

Not necessarily. Genital herpes can be dormant, you may have got this from a previous partner and not even known about it at the time. Its important your partner also knows this or he'll assume you've cheated if he hasn't.

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