Male attitude to house & garden work

[Ritascornershop]

Okay, it may not just be male, but in my life it is.

Currently living with just my university aged son. He does do things when I ask, but always in a voice of extreme sadness. “Could you mow the lawn later?” “Ohhhhh, okay” (sounds as if I’ve asked him to walk 20 k in a snowstorm to get me a slice of cheese, or some such unreasonable task). And then I have to remind him at least half a dozen times till whatever task gets done.

He’s not working for a few weeks yet, just lazing about now classes are done. I do all the laundry, the shopping, pay the bills, Hoover, do more of the cooking than he does.

I have found most men are not very proactive and it can feel like using The Voice of Eeyore can feel like a tactic for the woman to think “oh fuck it, I’ll just do it myself”.

He, on the other hand, has muttered that at least he’s doing it.

Is wanting a little “definitely! I’ll do that right now!” versus sadness, multiple requests, responses of “after my second cup of coffee, after I play this video game for hours, after I go swimming, after my nap” kind of thing, is wanting a ready to help voice unreasonable? And does anyone get it from males of any age?

His grandad is incredibly pro-active and I wonder sometimes if this has died out with the under 70’s?

Do you immediately jump to do something you don't want to the instant some asks you?

Save yourself aggro by asking him to do it this week instead of right now

Is wanting a little “definitely! I’ll do that right now!” versus sadness, multiple requests, responses of “after my second cup of coffee, after I play this video game for hours, after I go swimming, after my nap” kind of thing, is wanting a ready to help voice unreasonable?

I think it is. I fucking hate doing my own housework and give myself the misery voice and procrastinate til after a drink/nap/programme whatever. As he says, at least he does it.

Actually, no, I’ve reread and changed my mind a bit. In normal circumstances I don’t think you can expect anyone to be enthused by housework, but I do think if he’s not working and you pay all the bills then yes, he should do things cheerfully when he’s asked to. Ideally before he’s asked to.

I have found most men are not very proactive

He's your SON, you are the one who raised him!
Isn't it natural to him by now to do his share of chores in the house?

I do actually do things that need doing when I realise they need doing (& I’m physically able). That way they are not hanging over my head. And if someone asks me - yes I do fake enthusiasm as I think it’s rude to act put-upon when someone asks you for help.

As for him being my son - I am struggling against both the socialization of the patriarchy and his dad (we’re divorced) who is incredibly lazy and entitled. That my son helps at all (eventually) when asked versus kicking off about it is a massive credit to me (& also his kind nature).

It’s the mental load thing that women have to carry, plus (as I said above) I find it rude to act all suffering when asked to do low-time-commitment tasks.

Most women I know can't park.

At work yesterday there 3 cars lined taking up 4 spaces. Who parked them...women!

Sorry... just make a stupid generalisation based on 1 observation.

Yep, arseholes they are.
You only have to look back at this relationship board to find tonnes of people echoing how useless the males are in their house.
I’ve got boys. Raising them to be considerate and self sufficient, to take responsibility and do their share.
Yeah, they are still arseholes that needs asking over & over.
Arseholes.
I feel for you op. Totally do.

That my son helps at all (eventually) when asked versus kicking off about it is a massive credit to me

it doesn't sound like it at all

As a MOTHER, you can't blame anything on the patriarchy - unless you son didn't live with you as a child and teen?

It's also pretty insulting to pretend all girls jump for joy when asked to do household chores

@kindaclassy Because mothers are magical beings whose children always reflect every value & behaviour they hope to instill? 🙄 Their peers and society and other parent play no role? Wow.

I don’t recognise this in the men I know. Not my husband, ex husband, dad, brothers or friends.

Sweeping generalisations never make for a reasonable discussion. You must know that.

[quote Ritascornershop]@kindaclassy Because mothers are magical beings whose children always reflect every value & behaviour they hope to instill? 🙄 Their peers and society and other parent play no role? Wow.[/quote]
at some point you have to take responsibility. You can't blame society over the way you raised your own kid and what habits and rules you imposed from childhood.

I mean you managed to teach him to brush his teeth didn't you?

Unless your ex was the full-time resident parent, it's a complete cope-out and a ridiculous one to blame "the patriarchy" and "society". It's on you I am afraid.

It’s annoying but I wouldn’t like to be given a schedule to do my jobs around the house (that’s how it would feel to me if someone asked if I would Hoover up now) just give him some jobs to do that are his to do whenever. He won’t understand that you need to crack on and mow the grass before it next rains until he actually knows/experiences why it’s so much harder to do if you leave it till after it rains and it’s grown three more inches. Same with doing the washing it’s easier to do it little and often rather than a huge load all at once…. I don’t think you can make someone understand stuff like that. It comes in time when the job is your responsibility and possibly only when it’s your house and you are invested in keeping it nice etc . It’s not a male/female thing I was like that when I was younger I’ve just learnt which jobs to get done when in order to make my life easier.

@kindaclassy

That my son helps at all (eventually) when asked versus kicking off about it is a massive credit to me

it doesn't sound like it at all

As a MOTHER, you can't blame anything on the patriarchy - unless you son didn't live with you as a child and teen?

That’s not how the patriarchy works

Thank you Middle.

And brushing his teeth is in his interest- it’s when tasks fall into “don’t mind if I live in a mess” category that there is foot-dragging.

That’s not how the patriarchy works
Well no, but you can't blame the patriarchy when you are the one raising the kid! What's the patriarchy got to do with it?

Unless you blame the patriarchy for being the reason why the mother has decided to do all the laundry, the shopping, pay the bills, Hoover
Why on earth is a student not doing the laundry or hoovering at home?

I get people disagreeing over the age a child should start doing laundry etc. independently, but a TEEN? And a late teen if he's a student.

The first girlfriend he will move in will blame his mum, and she won't be wrong.

My son was very good when he lived at home as a teenager, I guess he knew he'd starve to death and smell bad if he didn't cook and wash his own clothes.
He hoovered and cleaned also as he doesn't like living in a mess.
Gardening he does not do but that's my main hobby so I don't care.

Doing something you want done and doing something someone else wants done aren't really the same. I wouldn't expect the people in those two scenarios to be equally enthusiastic.

There are a lot of households that only have men in them, mine included (well, apart from the cat), we’re both more than capable of doing laundry, cleaning etc. A friend sometimes goes to the gym to shower if he has polished his shower screen.

Most people don’t enjoy cleaning, I hate it, but it has to be done, if my husband asks me to clean something I’m certainly not going to jump up and do it.

[quote Ritascornershop]@kindaclassy Because mothers are magical beings whose children always reflect every value & behaviour they hope to instill? 🙄 Their peers and society and other parent play no role? Wow.[/quote]
Well, you are the one who puts up with his shit and doesn't pull him up on it.

Why are you still washing his clothes, doing his hoovering, making his meals, buying his food etc?

Sorry, reverse in my house (though not garden). I'm lazy and oblivious to dust. DP isn't. Id prefer to be out in the garden. So poor man gets the hoovering etc. DC got better after uni when they realized how appalling a house can get if people don't pull their weight.

Yep, arseholes they are.
You only have to look back at this relationship board to find tonnes of people echoing how useless the males are in their house.
I’ve got boys. Raising them to be considerate and self sufficient, to take responsibility and do their share.
Yeah, they are still arseholes that needs asking over & over.
Arseholes.
I feel for you op. Totally do.

And the ones that don't post are married to men that are capable.

I must head over to the relationship board and say how considerate and self sufficient may DH is! I'm sure I'll be welcomed!

No one is saying men aren’t capable, what some of us are saying is that they are (as a group) more tolerant of mess, more likely to feel okay about someone else making the house easier to live in. It occurs to him to Hoover etc when his girlfriend is coming over, otherwise it’s not a priority for him.

I did not invent the mental load, it is a commonly noted aspect of the lives of many, many women.

We eat our evening meal together so it would be silly to have separate sets of food. He does cook our meal about 1/3 of the time.

Kindaclassy 🙄 I’m not sure I believe anyone with kids is actually so dense that they believe that people’s children always behave exactly as the parents would hope at all times. I think you’re being goady (for whatever reason).

Oh no. You will find threads about lovely male partners and kids. It’s pretty much equal actually.

My kids are arseholes, my dh however isn’t.

He just needs to learn that the kitchen surfaces need a wipe and he is pretty perfect.
He doesn’t need nagging, he WFH, does all the school runs, laundry, cooking, meal planning, food shopping as well as diy, car maintenance etc.
He’s a dead good egg.
I work 50-60 hours a week out of the house so do pretty much about 10% of what he does. I do bedtime routine and homework, a bit of laundry but other than that, it’s all DH.

Kids….grumpy aresholes.

My husband does this, usually following a pregnant pause for dramatic effect. Infuriating.