Page 2 | Male attitude to house & garden work

Just10moreminutesplease · 01/07/2021 21:49

I’m female and acted like your son when I was his age... I think a lot of people don’t really get housework until they have their own house (mainly because most parents never let things get bad enough to bother most young people so it never feels that urgent).

Actually, if my DH asked me to do something around the house I’d still roll my eyes a bit. I like to do things in my own time, not when someone else wants it done.

Ragwort · 01/07/2021 21:52

I think many teenage/young 20 year olds (whether male or female) don't really understand what is involved in running a house, I am sure I never really pulled my weight when I cam home from Uni.

My DH does more than his fare share of housework, shopping, laundry, home admin etc and ALL the gardening, maintenance etc. ...
But our DS (20) is not exactly proactive about household chores ... although he clearly lived happily enough in his student digs for the last two years. Yet he works in hospitality during the vacations and is considered an 'asset' to his employer who always asks him back .

k1233 · 01/07/2021 22:02

It's not about "getting" housework. It's about someone being a drill sergeant and expecting you to stop what you're doing this instant to do something they have deemed necessary but which, if there's a delay to doing it, makes absolutely no difference.

I grew up with it and, as an adult who lives in my own home, it still pisses me off when I go to my parents.

I would make it clear what your son is responsible for and then let him do it to his own time frame.

ThursdayWeld · 01/07/2021 22:08

You brought him up.

PattyPan · 01/07/2021 22:10

My DP is like this. There is always some reason he can't do what I ask within a few hours of asking him... he is tired, he's not feeling well, he's just got in, he needs to have a cup of tea first and then by the time he's done relaxing he's forgotten.
Most of the time I end up doing it because I want it done the same day or there is a deadline, like taking the bins out, or tidying up before people come round, or the dishwasher needs running because we're out of spoons and it needs to be finished for breakfast time.
We're getting a cleaner.

JaceLancs · 01/07/2021 22:46

Not my experience
Tonight I rang DS to ask what he fancied for dinner as I’d had a long n shitty day at work and was near a supermarket so looking for quick n easy options
DS offered to cook dinner anyway - I arrived home to be greeted with a large drink by the fishpond whilst he cooked dinner, served it and washed up afterwards
DP when he is around (not living together) can be very helpful
My DF now sadly deceased always did his fare share of chores and helped others eg coming and doing my garden

SmokedDuck · 01/07/2021 22:51

This sounds more like a child thing to me. Even at 20 the parent-child relationship can maintain this sort of dynamic.

One option is for him to move out, that will sort it. But if it's not possible, I'd try and move things into an "adults living together" mode. That will mean he pitches in without moaning but you might also have to try and communicate as if he were a roommate rather than your kid. (Not saying you are but it's a common pattern to fall into with older kids at home, and of course they respond like kids.)

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 23:18

I’m not sure I believe anyone with kids is actually so dense that they believe that people’s children always behave exactly as the parents would hope at all times. I think you’re being goady (for whatever reason).

you don't believe that children are made to follow certain rules in their parents house, really?

Sounds like you are clutching at straws trying to find any excuse and blame everyone else.

You sound like such a stereotype it's cringey, being a martyr, whinging about it and blaming the "patriarchy" for your shortcomings.

ginbramble · 01/07/2021 23:21

I don't recognise this as a man thing at all. My DH does at least half, if not more house work than me. He does all of the laundry and pot washing, everything else we split equally.

My friends partners are the same. I think it's the way their raised to not expect things to be done, and for the women who get into relationships to make it clear from the start that an equal split is expected if both full time working.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 02/07/2021 02:58

This kind of thing, this bullying, is why I hesitate to post here. “ You sound like such a stereotype it's cringey, being a martyr, whinging about it and blaming the "patriarchy" for your shortcomings.” Some people are supportive, some can disagree nicely, and some are just unpleasant keyboard warriors who get off on being nasty.

OP posts:

Justilou1 · 02/07/2021 03:11

Time to remind him that he lives there because you let him, not because he’s entitled to be there. He may be your son, but he’s an adult and should be contributing to the running of the household tasks in a more equitable manner. If he is at all “woke”, he won’t enjoy being called out on his misogynist attitude towards them either. Stop doing his laundry, buying him food, cooking for him, etc, until he can return the favour.

Cantbelieveit101 · 02/07/2021 03:17

OK well what was he like before he started University, did he have jobs to do around the house?
Has he ever helped out voluntarily?

If he isnt working he needs to be doing a whole lot more.

Original poster

Ritascornershop · 02/07/2021 03:20

He definitely helps out voluntarily but it’s entirely dependent on if he’s in the mood. Before university it was about the same. He’s always had jobs around the house, but just is very reluctant to do extra stuff (& I feel that now he’s older that’s appropriate).

OP posts:

TomPinch · 02/07/2021 03:47

@Ritascornershop

Okay, it may not just be male, but in my life it is.

Currently living with just my university aged son. He does do things when I ask, but always in a voice of extreme sadness. “Could you mow the lawn later?” “Ohhhhh, okay” (sounds as if I’ve asked him to walk 20 k in a snowstorm to get me a slice of cheese, or some such unreasonable task). And then I have to remind him at least half a dozen times till whatever task gets done.

He’s not working for a few weeks yet, just lazing about now classes are done. I do all the laundry, the shopping, pay the bills, Hoover, do more of the cooking than he does.

I have found most men are not very proactive and it can feel like using The Voice of Eeyore can feel like a tactic for the woman to think “oh fuck it, I’ll just do it myself”.

He, on the other hand, has muttered that at least he’s doing it.

Is wanting a little “definitely! I’ll do that right now!” versus sadness, multiple requests, responses of “after my second cup of coffee, after I play this video game for hours, after I go swimming, after my nap” kind of thing, is wanting a ready to help voice unreasonable? And does anyone get it from males of any age?

His grandad is incredibly pro-active and I wonder sometimes if this has died out with the under 70’s?

My girls are like this. YMMV.

Rmka · 02/07/2021 05:18

I think you're right.
There are plenty of proactive men, but as a society we expect less of men and it seems we should be happy and grateful whenever they do anything.

I think the best approach would be to set up some rules. He needs to understand that you both live here and there are a lot of tasks that won't do themselves. Like his laundry isn't just magically getting cleaned. Try coming up with a plan together of how to split the house duties fairly.

One thing though, I'm like you and prefer to get things done straight away, but not everyone is like that (frustrating, I know). That's why I'd give him more freedom to when he can do his duties.

Xanadu7 · 02/07/2021 05:40

Definitely a generalisation. My father would be 100 years old this year, he got stuck in to garden/house/child work, took early retirement when I was born and did the majority of looking after me without needing to be ‘encouraged’ in any of it. My brother, DH, BIL all are truly equal partners in their homes…my 13 year old son is a grumpy martyr but I’m hoping that passes!

Myshitisreal · 02/07/2021 06:04

I was always the one cleaning the skirting boards, putting up the Christmas decorations, redding out kitchen cupboards, hoovering, ironing. I even cut the hedge as a young teenager with electric hedge cutters, while my 6.6ft brother did fuck all. You're right not to accept his shitty eeyore eyes. For bigger tasks, I like the idea of a deadline "could you do that by Sunday please". He should have and be doing his own allocated chores.

strawberrydonuts · 02/07/2021 06:06

I don't know the answer, but the fact that you've assumed it's because he's male is ringing some bells? Perhaps your unconscious bias about how men are has actually in some ways shaped him like this. Lots of men in my life are very happy doing these kinds of tasks but they tend to be the ones who defy gender stereotypes.

Cowbells · 02/07/2021 06:32

YANBU but your post made me laugh. Yesterday 19yr old DS informed me that he has no plans to look for a job this summer but that his advice to me if I think he needs to pull his weight is that I should tell him to cook once a week as his contribution to the family. I didn't remind him I have been asking him to do that since he turned 18!

To be fair, he does do jobs eventually, with exactly the same sad voiced, slow response as OP's son. And he's a good cook.

DinosaurDiana · 02/07/2021 06:34

My DH declared himself the gardener but apparently that job just involves mowing the lawn, not weeding 🙄

entropynow · 02/07/2021 08:04

@kindaclassy

I have found most men are not very proactive

He's your SON, you are the one who raised him!
Isn't it natural to him by now to do his share of chores in the house?

Yes, because mothers are wholly responsible for their sons' motivation/training as well as every other bloody thing. SIGH. One of mine does housework without even being asked, the other doesn't. Perhaps I didn't bring both of them up?

entropynow · 02/07/2021 08:06

@strawberrydonuts

I don't know the answer, but the fact that you've assumed it's because he's male is ringing some bells? Perhaps your unconscious bias about how men are has actually in some ways shaped him like this. Lots of men in my life are very happy doing these kinds of tasks but they tend to be the ones who defy gender stereotypes.

And again society doesn't exist and it's all mummy's fault - with the added 'unconscious influence' trap so she is to blame even for noticing it.

Brainwave89 · 02/07/2021 08:55

No I think this is a very significant generalisation. Some men are tidy, some not. Kids change over time. My DD in her teens was the messiest person I know. If someone had broken into our house and ransacked it that would have been her room. There was often food under the ned which could be there for weeks on the occasion I took a decision deliberately not to tidy. Now, her house is immaculate.. and wow betide anyone who leaves something even slightly out of place.

WalkingOnTheCracks · 02/07/2021 08:57

Have you never met a teenager before?

On a less flippant note, I think this comes down to what each person thinks is important. My SO will often ask me to do things that I just don't really want to do because I don't think it matters very much. Exactly the same thing happens the other way round. There's a lot of "Yeah, yeah, I'll get round to it." Either we end up trading one thing for the other, or we escalate the nagging war until someone caves in.

Much as we'd all like to live with people who have precisely the same priorities as ourselves - plus psychic powers - I don't think that's a very practical expectation.

"...have you fixed that toilet seat yet?"

"No, wait - I'll do it this afternoon."

"Why can't you do it now?"

"I'm on mumsnet talking about why people don't get round to doing stuff."

thelegohooverer · 02/07/2021 09:12

No man ever is responsible for his own behaviour - it’s always the fault of the nearest woman. And mum, by definition, is always wrong.

I understand OP. It’s not easy to counterbalance the weight of a culture that puts very little value on hard work (everything seems to be about talent, celebrity for mediocrity and instantaneous gratification), particularly if you’re not grounded in some other kind of culture like a church. Teens are at a life stage where they disregard their parents values and seek out friends and outside influences more, and even if you’ve managed to instill good habits at a young age it can all go pear shaped with teens.

And boys look to male role models yet we live in a society where women are bombarded with messages about parenting but very little is written or marketed for men about fathering.

In my house the gender difference is exacerbated by ds having autism, but there is a massive difference between dd and ds. Ive never had to make much effort with dd; she just helps out and gets on with things. With ds I have to take on a personality that isn’t my own (I’ve taken to listening to Nicholeen Peck who is way more hardcore than I ever can be) and it is an exhausting uphill battle to domesticate him!