DD's friend not welcome - AIBU

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

my DD (14) has a best friend at school (same age). This girl has been suspended for her behaviour (just recently returned) She takes hard drugs at the weekends, she has had numerous sexual partners, she disappears for weekends and tells her parents she is at a friends when she's not. The teachers have even warned my DD about hanging out with her. I am not happy about my DD hanging out with her but there's nothing I can do about it at school. However I have made it clear she is not allowed to hang out with her outwith school and she is not welcome in my home. My DD thinks this is unfair as I should trust her not to do these things. I do trust her but I just don't like this girl as I know what she gets up to. If it were you in my situation would you allow them to hang out outwith school? I'm torn as my DD is upset that she can't but then she retaliates and screams and shouts at me! WWYD?

[Scutterbug]

My motto was always “kill them with kindness”. Invite her to your home, let them hang out where you can supervise. Banning here from seeing her might push her to do it secretly and in more vulnerable ways.

[OrangeRug]

I would allow her to come over. At least you can supervise and if you forbid the friendship it will just make it even more appealing.

[wizzywig]

How would ensure she isn't bringing drugs into your house if she were to come round.

[pointythings]

My DD2 was in this situation with one of her friends. Friend had major issues at home and poor mental health, was a difficult person but actually once you talked to them very pleasant and respectful. I chose to trust my DD to be sensible and not copy the behaviour and she did not. Sadly the friendship did not survive, friend is still very unwell and living a tough life, DD2 is absolutely fine. But trust should be your default setting.

[Imapotato]

I was the kids you don’t want your daughter hanging out with. I was very much left to my own devises and just got up to a lot of no good.

Luckily I had some good friends who’s parents didn’t judge me and would always welcome me into their homes. I didn’t drag my friends into my bad behaviour if they didn’t want to be dragged (some did).

Maybe meet this girl, she may be perfectly nice, but just makes bad choices as doesn’t have much parental guidance 🤷‍♀️

[Penniless121]

Please bear in mind you are talking about a child here. If these ‘numerous sexual partners’ are 18 or above then this girl is being abused.

[FrankButchersDickieBow]

Ahh I feel sorry for the friend. She sounds like nobody cares about her - herself included.

I would rather have them in the house where I could keep my eye on them to be honest.

Your daughter might lie otherwise and you could have no clue.

[DerbyshireMama]

At 14 she isn't acting out because she's a bad person. Obviously there is more going on in her life. I'd be more inclined to say to your daughter that if she's going to see her friend out of school it's ONLY at your house. I'm sure this girl has sources of conflict everywhere in her life - maybe if your home is almost more of a safe space she might not feel the need to push boundaries there and may even show a level of respect.

[cansu]

No I wouldn't. I'm a teacher and I have lost count of the times I have seen children change and become troubled and in trouble after hanging around with the wrong people. I would not invite her round or facilitate the relationship at all.

[gingerbiscuit19]

Invite her round, give her a safe place. She isn't a bad person at fourteen. Make your own judgement.

[Golden2021]

You see, I'd definitely have her round and show her a stable home life etc, assuming she doesn't have one. I wouldn't want her hanging out on the streets with her. I'd want to try and be a positive influence in her life. It might not pan out, but it might.

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

I actually know the parents pretty well, we went to school together. They are good people. She just seems like a silly spoiled little girl. I often hear on the phone to DD telling her to lie to us about where she's going. The last time I allowed her to hang out with her jumped on a bus and ended up 40 miles away. I called her just after 9pm to check she was ok as she was late home, and I ended up having to drive to get them at some random city at 10pm. This is why I don't trust her. The girl has issued for sure but my DDs mental health is torn to shreds and this is the last thing she needs.

[JamieLeeBee]

I feel the school should be looking at WHY she is acting out this way at her young age, for example, is there abuse happening at home? Maybe she doesn't even want to be home!

Regardless, it's hard to lose a close friend at that age and it could be that she needs a few true friends. The only way I can see round it would be to bring her round for dinner or a movie but keep them within earshot at all times. But I agree in the sense that I'd be uncomfortable with my daughter going out without supervision with her whether she is trustworthy or not, kids are very easily persuaded and pressured at that age

[MadMadMadamMim]

Do you know this girl? You seem to know a huge amount (more than her parents do) about what she gets up to.

Or is that just local gossip and rumours?

If you've met her and decided she's rude, dreadful and a bad influence on your DD then fair enough. Your judgement.

If you are judging her based on other people's gossip it seems unfair. And I find it most unlikely that teachers have 'warned' your DD to stay away from this person. That's extremely unprofessional and could result in a parental complaint.

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

I also realise DD is a young adult and I shouldn't be choosing her friends but I'm so torn. This is the same girl who bullied her so much only 2 years ago to the point my DD was scared to go to school.

[NamechangedGamechanged12]

My DD and I normally have a good relationship and she tells me what the girl gets up to. She facetimes her at weekends and it's clear she is smashed (large pupils etc) Said girl also messaged me a few weeks ago to ask me to buy her the morning after pill and another time asked me to buy condoms for her (it's was a no both times). DD told me she was with her (following the bus ride) when she met her dealer.

[Golden2021]

In that case she has already betrayed your trust.

[Ceebs85]

Your daughter is a child. Not a young adult. You see a spoiled little girl in DDs friend however none of us have any idea what goes on behind closed doors or if friend has experienced any any Adverse Childhood Events that no one knows anything about.

I think all you can do is be a safe place and keep the channels of communication open with your DD. I'd be worried trying to ban DD from seeing her at all might force her to push against this and become more secretive and vulnerable to influence

[MsJinks]

Your DD is still very open with you at least. I doubt I would have told my parents bad things about a friend I wanted to keep seeing - though one of my own daughters was naive enough to do just that!
Banning might have the opposite effect, however, following that drive you had to do I think it’s reasonable if you don’t let her out with her on those grounds but maybe offer for her to come round, be super nice with sweets or whatever might make your daughter happy at least - is that a compromise at all?
Sometimes our kids have to learn the hard way re friends as well but giving reasons for your actions above ‘no, never’ and being a bit tolerant helps you look supportive and as if you tried and so leaves you as a cushion for her, not someone she daren’t tell, as she was sneaking around.
It’s hard but best of luck.

[notanothertakeaway]

Is it possible your DD is trying to help her? I would look at what yiur DD is getting / hopes to get from tgis friendship

[SueSaid]

At 14 you absolutely stop people like this girl coming to your house. Once they get to 16 and older it becomes much harder to have any control over who they mix with socially but now is the time to say no. Give your dd strict boundaries and try to encourage other frienships. Safe space my arse, she isn't your responsibility.

[Crispychillibeef]

Have you liaised with school on this? Or social services? You seem very accepting of the way this girl is but there's safeguarding red flags out the wazoo.

[MadMadMadamMim]

This story gets more and more bizarre...

I can't imagine any 14 year old girl messaging someone else's mum that she doesn't appear to really know - twice - once to ask for condoms and once to ask for the morning after pill.

It sounds utterly unlikely.

[Mintjulia]

I agree with the 'kill them with kindness' routine.

My dc can bring any friend home and they will be welcomed in with a clear explanation of house rules. If they stick to them, they will continue to be welcome. Everyone gets one chance.

[LoudestCat14]

@NamechangedGamechanged12

I actually know the parents pretty well, we went to school together. They are good people. She just seems like a silly spoiled little girl. I often hear on the phone to DD telling her to lie to us about where she's going. The last time I allowed her to hang out with her jumped on a bus and ended up 40 miles away. I called her just after 9pm to check she was ok as she was late home, and I ended up having to drive to get them at some random city at 10pm. This is why I don't trust her. The girl has issued for sure but my DDs mental health is torn to shreds and this is the last thing she needs.

Even good people can have a shitty home life behind closed doors. Kids don't usually act up like the friend is doing unless they're very unhappy, so I would let her come to your house because she might just need to be somewhere she feels safe or where she can open up to an adult who isn't her parents. If you make it hard for your DD to be friends with her, chances are she'll rebel and there will be more 40 minute nighttime bus rides.