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To think we should tell the truth?

(129 Posts)
LieOrNoLie Thu 26-Nov-20 10:56:21

Our cat has gone missing sad (it's been over a week now).

Even worse is the children are due here at weekend and they absolutely adore him and will be gutted. There will be lots of tears I know.

My husband doesn't want to tell them and instead thinks we should lie and say we've rehomed him somewhere like a farm with fields etc...

I think we should tell them the truth.

Firstly because they'll question why we've given their cat away and we'll be the terrible ones. And secondly, because I think they are old enough to know that sometimes these things happen and it's rubbish and sad but we shouldn't hide it from them either. They are 9&11.

And thirdly of course, he still might come back!!

YABU - lie to save them the upset of thinking he's ran away/something bad might have happened.

YANBU - tell them the truth, they are old enough to know. Which is that he is missing and we are trying to find him but that might not be possible.

OP’s posts: |
rbe78 Thu 26-Nov-20 11:10:42

Nine and 11 is quite old, certainly old enough to question a "he's gone to live on a farm" story. And wouldn't it be worse if you'd decided to give their cat away without any disucssion, warning or chance to say goodbye - I think that would make them equally upset! Got to be the truth I think...and you never know, he might still turn up. Fingers crossed...

MaelyssQ Thu 26-Nov-20 11:15:22

He might come back. My cat went missing for over 2 weeks once, and when he came back he was plump and glossy - he'd obviously been living the high life with someone else.

Tell the children the truth.

LieOrNoLie Thu 26-Nov-20 11:17:02

rbe78

Nine and 11 is quite old, certainly old enough to question a "he's gone to live on a farm" story. And wouldn't it be worse if you'd decided to give their cat away without any disucssion, warning or chance to say goodbye - I think that would make them equally upset! Got to be the truth I think...and you never know, he might still turn up. Fingers crossed...

Absolutely! I think his story makes even less sense and will just invite more questions and possibly even upset that we've apparently just given away their pet for no reason!

OP’s posts: |
Onekidnoclue Thu 26-Nov-20 11:17:49

Good lord your husband is bonkers! Would he say granny has gone to live on a farm too??!

Savourysenorita Thu 26-Nov-20 11:19:44

Tell the truth. There's going to be lots of follow up angry questions that you're going to have to conjure up afterwards. He may even come back. It won't hurt them in the long run to experience a bit of life's harsh realities. They'll be upset bless their hearts as I'm sure you are. But you never know he may even come home. It has been known x

Givemeabreak88 Thu 26-Nov-20 11:20:13

Yeh your husband is being weird,
It’s not like they are 3-4, they are old enough to know. Even at 3 I wouldn’t lie tbh but they are certainly old enough to know the truth and understand.

Strongswans Thu 26-Nov-20 11:20:22

Best thing is to tell them, the cat may well come back yet anyway. They're old enough to understand, and I would guess the 11 year old at least would question the 'gone to live on a farm' story.

newmumwithquestions Thu 26-Nov-20 11:21:05

Tell them the truth.
I told mine the truth when their kitten died and they were much younger. It was the right thing. Painful, but I also think that having pets is a good way to introduce them to some of the sad parts of life.

Otherwise one lie will lead to another to another. Then they’ll work out you lied and be upset with you.

caringcarer Thu 26-Nov-20 11:21:36

I agree your dh sounds deluded if he thinks kids would swallow the lies. Be truthful and let them see you are upset.

LieOrNoLie Thu 26-Nov-20 11:22:50

He is just too soft sometimes imo. I agree with PP, as horrible as it is, there's nothing wrong with learning that sometimes life can be a bit rubbish. He likes to shield.

OP’s posts: |
inappropriateraspberry Thu 26-Nov-20 11:23:00

Tell them the truth. They're old enough to understand. A week isn't that long for a cat to go walkabouts. They'll help with posters etc and you may find him still. If not, you tell them it's likely he's died. Half the point of having pets with children is to teach them about death.

On a slightly different note, my mum told me my guinea pig had run away when I was 3 or 4. She only confessed recently that a stray dog had ripped off the front of the hutch and eaten him!
That is when you lie. I still wasn't given the 'farm' story. Utterly pointless in my opinion.

satnighttakeaway Thu 26-Nov-20 11:23:27

I didn't realise people actually said that animals had gone to live on farms, I thought that was a comedy thing from American sit coms

What a ridiculous suggestion

BigFatLiar Thu 26-Nov-20 11:23:32

Just be honest, always the best policy.

Kitty went out and hasn't come back, maybe he will. Just have to wait an see.

Todaytomorrow09 Thu 26-Nov-20 11:24:01

Tell the truth. I’ve recently found out at my old age that our family dog wasn’t sent to a farm to be free sad
I was really upset and it’s 35 years later!!!!!
Children need to understand and learn how to deal with the emotions that come with it x

ClaireP20 Thu 26-Nov-20 11:24:52

God, it would destroy a child to think their parents had given the cat away!! Whatever you do, don't do that!

40weekswithno2 Thu 26-Nov-20 11:25:17

Of course they need to be told the truth

SugarCoatIt Thu 26-Nov-20 11:25:48

Definitely tell them the truth OP.

I remember when I was little, perhaps about 5? Our cat went missing, my Mum and Dad said they thought she'd perhaps gone a bit too far when out hunting, we searched and looked but to no avail, then just over a week later she returned.

I really hope you get a happy ending, and your cat returns home to you soon.

Cornettoninja Thu 26-Nov-20 11:28:59

Tell them the truth absolutely. Imho this is one of the reasons for pet ownership when you have kids that they learn the harsher aspects of life in a relatively safe way. I adore my cats but am fully prepared that when they die I’ll be dealing with my dd’s (hopefully) first experience with grief and it’ll be my job to guide her through that and coping mechanisms.

I think you should involve the kids in posting a lost advert on the internet and maybe making a poster or two for the local shops so they can feel like they’ve done something constructive but mostly they need to be able to process losing something/one that they love and it’s your DH’s job to help them with that.

TheSoapyFrog Thu 26-Nov-20 11:35:44

Definitely tell them the truth. Your husband will look like a proper wally if he tells them fibs and then the cat comes strolling in an hour later!

AcornAutumn Thu 26-Nov-20 11:41:19

I think he’s mad

But are they his children and not yours? In which case he gets final say, imho.

Allergictoironing Thu 26-Nov-20 11:41:36

My DSis's cat was missing for a whole month a couple of years ago but was found. Post on local FB, check with local vets & rescue centres, stick up posters & ask people to check their garages & sheds in case he got trapped somewhere.

SpaceOp Thu 26-Nov-20 11:48:05

LieOrNoLie

He is just too soft sometimes imo. I agree with PP, as horrible as it is, there's nothing wrong with learning that sometimes life can be a bit rubbish. He likes to shield.

Why on earth is telling a lie where you both look like horrible people, being "soft" or kind or whatever? He's an idiot quite frankly because there is no way that telling your children that you have given away their pet is going to make them feel less bad than learning the pet has gone missing. Blimey.

CakeRequired Thu 26-Nov-20 11:52:18

Let me guess, they are his kids and you're step mum?

He's a totally moronic parent either way. Does he really think they'll believe that bullshit? How stupid is he? My parents told me at 4 that my grandad had died, they didn't sugarcoat it. Yeah it upset me, but tears don't continue forever once they start for god sake. You are right, tell them the truth.

JillofTrades Thu 26-Nov-20 11:53:13

Tell them the truth. My ds is 4yo and our fish died recently and we told him the truth. He handled it really well. We chose new fish and he was fine. Explain to the kids that the cat might come back too but for now you are unsure.

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