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Neglectful family or me?(133 Posts)
I am hoping to gain some much needed perspective and difference in views. I’m 33, and have just had my first baby after being married last year.
It’s fair to say I’ve struggled financially since finishing university, and as we all do, have had some big and brutal bumps in the road. I had £2k of debt to pay, or the uni said I wouldnt get my degree. My parents refused to help, and my friends bailed me out.
Bumps range from losing jobs to having money stolen from me. I was also taken by a builder who bodged work on my house, and it’s taken my husband and his dad over a year to fix themselves, as we couldn’t afford more builders.
My parents, to be straight, are apparently wealthy. They own numerous houses and businesses, have a collection of expensive cars etc. They work hard, and have had good fortune.
My mum adopted my step fathers daughter recently, as her mother died which is obviously awful.
I also have a sister who is and has been a complete disaster area. Lurching from crisis to crisis. At one time she was nearly sectioned. It is all drama, she is perfectly well just loves drama and chaos.
The adopted sister is 18, and just finished school.
I have been told that if you want something in life, there are no handouts, go and earn it if you want it. This has been my path.
Over the years I feel more and more resentful to my parents. My sister seems to get her life remapped and fixed with every new drama, and recently has been bought a house and had it fully renovated for her. While she bought it from them for what they paid, she made a lot of money and has a lovely new home.
My house has leaked for over a year, and they haven’t even as much as phoned me about it. I spoke to my mum and she said they would give us some money to fix it, as I was pregnant and we really were in a bind.
This never materialised and have had to save and husband do the work himself.
The final straw came when my grandmother died, and I found out they had lied about inheritance. When questioned, they emailed me with a threat of legal action. I was 6 months pregnant. They bought the 18 year old a flat with my family money, and gave her a huge chunk of money, which was not in the will. We were told expressly that it was, and I feel duped by This man.
I want to know if I am being unreasonable, if I should be more adult and realise I am not their responsibility. I just feel that I am being laughed at, and it’s broken our relationship.
When I couldn’t take any more I opened up and told them all of this. They now say they don’t want to contact again, and will never see my son.
It’s heartbreaking but I just need some differing opinion as I am going out of my mind.
Please be kind, but please be honest.
horrible situation for you but i think your 'd' parents have made it quite clear who the golden child is.
i know it's hard but sometimes one has to be the bigger person and walk away, live your live and yes there are bumps and pot holes in the road of life but we have to get round them sometimes without support. if ypur parents don't want to help that's fair enough, it's their money their choice, but at least when you've pulled yourself up out of a mess and can see what you have achieved by your own efforts it is so rewarding and you have taken responsibility it's a great feeling.
it's hard but you can do it, one step at a time, respect yourself you CAN do this.
meant to say,not seeing you or your ds is their loss, they may regret it in the future but then they may not, and if that's the case you are better off without them in your lives, be the best mum you can to your son.
Oh hello Scapegoat - I hear ya.
I think that parents should help children were they can - but do respect that others may take the view that they want their children to learn for themselvess.
But that's not your situation. Your situation is that they'll help your other siblings but not you.
My advice would be to accept and move on. Not as easy as it sounds - I imagine you have a life time of hurt and pain stored up.
Have a look at the outofthefog website and do some reading up on being the scapegoat.
And have a fab live with your family and feel no sense of obligations whatsoever to your parents.
Well it sounds like they really dont want a relationship with you. Remember this when they need any help in the future. Let's face it your feckless sister wont be helping them in their dotage.
I didn't quite understand what happened with the inheritance but I would seek legal advice to get what you are due.
OP it all sounds horrible. I am sorry you have experienced so much hurt from the people that are supposed to have your back. However you now know very well where they stand and in order to safeguard yourself and your family, I would urge you to go no contact. That's what they have asked after all and you need to respect that and yourself. I will say though that you do need to consider your life choices. University, home and children should only be considered when you can afford them. I appreciate that circumstances change, but you do sound co dependent and if your family is narcissistic and you were the scapegoat it makes sense. Try to avoid any other choices that will add financial pressure and stand on your own two feet. I wish you all the best.
I appreciate that is tough OP, but you can't rely on relations, including parents, to fix things. It does make it hard, but just because they appear to have money it doesn't mean they have, or may be they are not willing to share it. If I was in your position I'd distance myself and get on with my own life - anything else will be increasingly difficult and lead to more heartbreak/upset I think.
Let them go. I got back in touch with my family at the start of lockdown because I felt bad, I'm now a couple of hundred pounds down & my MH is really bad as when they didn't me anymore they have all caused drama to cut me off.
You aren't alone, there are lots of us here! Try to accept two things; they do not have what you (emotionally) need from them, and also there is no happy ending here, where you all have a close and loving relationship and live happily ever after.
Since those two things are definitely true, you can move on with areas of your life which do bring you joy and fulfilment. Don't waste your time stressing about them, they can't or won't change. But you can.
I appreciate that is tough OP, but you can't rely on relations, including parents, to fix things. It does make it hard, but just because they appear to have money it doesn't mean they have, or may be they are not willing to share it. If I was in your position I'd distance myself and get on with my own life - anything else will be increasingly difficult and lead to more heartbreak/upset I think
^ it would be nice if your parents helped but they don’t have to.
Yanbu to expect to be treated the same as your sister. The fact that they threatened you with legal action over the will is gobsmacking.
If they misappropriated the will I would take it to court
If the will has been read you should be able to get a copy of it, it costs around £10
I'm so sorry OP. You need to seek legal advice re your grandmothers will.
You are sadly better off without these toxic people in your life. But I can understand it must be incredibly painful for you. They're just awful .
I think I'd go NC and take legal advice on the will. I'm sorry to hear that they have hurt you this way.
While you are an adult and it is down to you, not them, to weather these bumps I can totally see why you feel betrayed.
I imagine if they had not spoilt your step-sister you would have been less resentful of them not giving you money. As it is they have morally been very unfair.
Unfortunately, there's not much you can do as they don't technically owe you anything.
My sympathy though as this must feel like constant rejection and kicks in the teeth.
Thank you all so much for the views here.
With regard to the Will, they executed things legally, with my grandmothers blood grandchildren being the only named. The step fathers daughter received the same, and we were told it was in the will as inherited. They then used the estate money to purchase his daughter a flat.
It has all been done deceitfully and I feel my family is being ripped off by this man.
I'm sorry I don't understand, aren't you a blood grandchild, if they executed the will legally how did the step fathers daughter inherit if she wasn't in the will? This doesn't make sense.
My sympathies obviously, but the will business sounds wrong.
You can’t almost be sectioned if you’re perfectly well. You seem to have no understanding of mental health or the problems she faces. Perhaps that’s why your family don’t give a shit about you?
Go nuclear. You should be able to obtain a copy of the will if they have been through probate. If you were not a beneficiary, then you have no legal way of getting any of that money. If the money was left to your mother, then legally she can do what she likes.
People here will disagree with me but I would write your Mother an email or letter and set out why you are so upset. I have done it with my parents and it has worked to a large extent. It’s not really about money, rather favouritism and lying. Accepting second class treatment for me and my children slowly destroyed my self esteem. I won’t accept anything other than equal treatment now and they know that. But it won’t be a quick or painless process.
If they can’t treat you fairly, then cut them off completely and have no regrets. I have finally done that with my Father and life is much easier.
Sorry, by ‘parents’ I mean my DM and Stepfather.
There's nothing wrong with them wanting you to make your own way in the world (character building etc.) but it's the unfairness of the treatment that's wrong. It's awful to treat siblings differently.
I think you're going to have to square your shoulders, think "** them" and realise that you can be very proud of everything you achieve because you've done it alone.
Am I right in understanding that your mum have money from her mum to her husbands daughter and not you!?
Was the grandmother in fact your step-grandmother then?
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