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To be really upset about this?

(142 Posts)
Wayfair2020 Sun 20-Oct-19 09:47:39

Background: I'm a very shy, quiet person who keeps herself to herself.

All my children in a show and on Friday we watched the dress rehearsal. This is the first show at this theatre group my children have done. Before the start of the show, children came on to the stage and posed for photos (for info, no permission was asked from parents) . Dress rehearsal starts, one of my children comes on to stage and I film him. At their old theatre group, this was allowed. About 30 seconds into the dance, all music stops and one of the theatre group leaders calls across the (packed) hall and says 'who was filming the children?' I looked around as I thought something bad had happened only to notice all eyes on me, so I realised it was me being told off here! So I had to put my hand up and say 'it was me'. I was literally mortified. With that, he came marching over, said to me 'Did you have permission from all the parents in here to film their children? No, I didn't think so. I am going to have to watch you delete it Infront of me right now. This is a safeguarding issue, perhaps you need to come to a safeguarding course that we run for chaperones'. I was actually shaking and deleted the video , whilst being watched by I imagine 300 parents and all the children on stage (including one of mine). My 4 year old son was on stage burst into tears as he didn't understand what was going on. The other theatre leader who is a bit nicer came rushing over to my son and then to me to say 'it's our policy not to film, we should have announced it at the start but I need to check your film has been deleted'. So again, Infront of the packed room I had to prove I had deleted it. By this point I was close to tears myself. I am painfully shy and this was awful.

I watched the dress rehearsal and wanted to cry for the whole hour. As I left with my children at the end, the man approached me in the carpark to once again re-iterate his policies and I said that I didn't appreciate the way it was done Infront of everyone and that I was so humiliated. He said (in a horrible way) 'well you are not giving me the chance to apologise as you are walking away from me' (which I was because I was trying not to cry).

So my question is, AIBU for being so upset? I am SO embarassed that I feel like I don't ever want to go back to the place. If I had known their policy, I obviously would not have filmed. As people were taking photos I naively assumed I could film my son .

I feel that all they needed to do was to tell me discreetly?? Like maybe a little tap on the shoulder to say 'sorry, you're not allowed to film' or to come up to me after and fine, ask me to delete it, but do it discreetly.

FWIW, there are hundreds of pictures of the dress rehearsal all over facebook that I didn't give permission for them or other people to take of my children! (I don't mind, but if I did, I was given no opportunity to say so).

Every time I think of it I cringe, and it's really put a downer on my weekend.

Iggly Sun 20-Oct-19 09:49:12


And actually you can film - you just can’t share the photos without permission.

Zebraaa Sun 20-Oct-19 09:50:41

It may be petty but I wouldn’t go back, fuck them. (Not fair on your kid though? How are they feeling?)

RandomMess Sun 20-Oct-19 09:50:51


They let everyone take photos but no filming - that is absurd!

Cherrysoup Sun 20-Oct-19 09:51:51

How can they allow photos but not filming? They're clearly idiots. It’s a shame you were so upset, OP, you should’ve told him his child protection policy is a load of bollocks as he’s allowing one but not the other.

Actionhasmagic Sun 20-Oct-19 09:52:51

Yanbu!!!!! Awful and they should announce it or have signs. A tap on the shoulder would have been fine

SoupDragon Sun 20-Oct-19 09:53:12

In the nicest possible way, yes you are. I say that as a quiet shy person who would have felt exactly the same as you! It's an over reaction on your part because your shyness.

I thought it was common knowledge that you don't film/photograph in these situations unless you have been told it's ok to do so. At school performances we used to be told it was OK, at certain dance shows we were specifically told not to because of girls in leotards.

Cloudyapples Sun 20-Oct-19 09:53:54

Photos but not filming makes zero sense

Ponoka7 Sun 20-Oct-19 09:54:46

It was handled badly.

However, you could have already pisted it online, or sent it to someone else by the time they did it discreetly. So they were in a bind as well.

It's unusual for the permission to take photos etc was not in with the registration forms, when you jouned. You normally only sign one per year, or term, as you do in school.

Don't let it put you off going. It will inspire resilience in your child.

Ohyesiam Sun 20-Oct-19 09:55:34

I would get onto fb with “ I did not give permission for these pictures to be taken or posted” in the comments.

FaithInfinity Sun 20-Oct-19 09:55:37

It could have been handled much better. At DD’s school there are vulnerable children with safeguarding flags so school always say ‘Just a reminder that it’s fine to take photos and videos but we request that they aren’t shared on social media please’. They also give opportunity for individual photos at stuff like Christmas nativity.

This ballet school need to make their policies clear, get permission for any photos taken (at DD’s ballet school we had to sign a form when she started about photos and it was our choice if she did an individual photo in her costume for the show. But based on the way they handled it I would be taking my kids somewhere else.

Halo1234 Sun 20-Oct-19 09:55:43

Yanbu. But any reasonable person there would have been on your side. I would be put of a dance teacher I saw behaving like that. I would not have noticed who it was directed at and would not be able to pick the "told off" parent out of a crowd a week later. He has made himself look mean and the other parents will be thanking their lucky stars it wasnt them. If your children like the club go back u have done nothing wrong. If they dont move to a friendlier one. They 100% should have made it clear not to film. Dont be embarrassed it's not u at fault. People will have a good moan about it with u most likely when u see them. Xx

MummBraTheEverLeaking Sun 20-Oct-19 09:57:34

YANBU, you didn't know (I would say it's kinda obvious these days but you say you were allowed in your old group) and he didn't need to be a huge condescending prick about it but he was. And upset your son unnecessarily.

I'd complain, especially since they've posted loads of photos online for all to see. In fact I'd complain on Facebook, ask for a public apology and request those photos taken down as you didn't give permission (and suggest maybe he takes a refresher of the course himself but I can petty like that)

TerribleCustomerCervix Sun 20-Oct-19 09:58:12

It was really badly handled, but has it not been standard practice for at least a decade that parents aren’t allowed to film at these sort of things?

They should have made a announcement, but it sounds like they just assumed that parents knew not to film.

PinkiOcelot Sun 20-Oct-19 09:58:29

Soupdragon did you miss the bit where the OP says there are photos all over social media?!

funnylittlefloozie Sun 20-Oct-19 09:58:48

I used to be very shy and absolutely understand the feeling of "die and cry" when someone draws attention to you in a negative way. When you feel a bit calmer, you could perhaps ask one of the organisers why they allow still photos but not filming. It does seem a weird distinction, tbh.

kalinkafoxtrot45 Sun 20-Oct-19 09:59:52

They were shitty about it and should have stated the policy at the outset. There are ways to politely set out what’s allowed. Twats.

BagpussAteMyHomework Sun 20-Oct-19 10:00:04

They handled this really badly.

I would suggest you write to complain, setting out the issues clearly and calmly. Hopefully this will prevent something like this happening again.

However I’d also take on the reasons filming is banned and in future check before filming.

Lesson learned and all that.

Wayfair2020 Sun 20-Oct-19 10:01:12

Thank you everyone. I feel better that you think other people would think he was being awful because I keep worrying that people will think I am a pervert confused.

WindsweptEgret Sun 20-Oct-19 10:01:35

I do think photos are different, as it's easy to avoid taking pictures of other children, crop them out, or only share photos of your own children, keeping a group shot for your own memories only. Film is problematic if a parent does share it. YANBU about the way you were treated though.

Didiusfalco Sun 20-Oct-19 10:04:51

What an absolute arsehole. There are a million better ways he could have dealt with that. An announcement should have been made at the beginning, try not to take it to heart. It’s not you.

TerribleCustomerCervix Sun 20-Oct-19 10:06:52

I keep worrying that people will think I am a pervert

Honestly, no one will think that.

At most, I’d remember you as the lady who once tried to film a production our kids were in and got yelled at- the proprietor’s overreaction doesn’t reflect on you personally.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Sun 20-Oct-19 10:07:50

My local theatre group has forms with this, and a load of other stuff, on when you sign up, are you sure you didn't sign for permission?

The children were posing for the photos, maybe there's someone there who can't be online for safeguarding reasons and they didn't pose.

They could have been kinder, but it was pretty time imperative if there is a child who can't be online.

He tried to apologise to you and you chose to walk away.

All in all I can see why you were embarrassed, but I think you're probably over thinking it now.

RightOnTheEdge Sun 20-Oct-19 10:10:02

If other people had their phones out taking photos then how would you know you were doing anything wrong?

It was handled terribly. It is a normal safeguarding thing to say no filming or photos on social media and that's fair enough but they should have made that clear at the start or had signs and there was no need to embarrass you like that.

I would be complaining about your treatment and also the Facebook photos.

bottlenose301 Sun 20-Oct-19 10:12:23

. They have to announce before the performance imo otherwise people will think it's okay to film. And if they forgot to announce it, all they do is kindly mention it no need to berate anyone. Recently at my dd school It wasn't announced at an assembly performance so everyone started filming quite brazenly and no one said a word.

So if they are that strict on the policy (and I agree the policy is needed for safety reasons) they need to make it clear from the start.

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