38 weeks pregnant, unsupportive DH

[BeckieMc]

Last night after repeatedly asking dh to stop drinking as I could be in labour soon as was nauseous all day. He poured himself another drink and I lost it. Burst into tears saying he has been so unsupportive through the pregnancy and all I'm asking is for him to stay sober for 2 weeks (happy for him to have the odd couple just not drunk) and he can't do that for me. He said it's Sunday everyone's drinking I said not with a 9mnth pregnant wife they aren't. Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)! He hid upstairs and he's trying to pretend nothing happened today (silent treatment from me).

I'm 38w pregnant with our second dd. He is an amazing father and was once upon a time a good husband. We have been together 11 years. He has worked away since dd1 was 2 months old, 3 days a week in London which has been testing for our marriage. He is living with friends and drinking more and more. He has a very stressful job amazing salary so the pressure is obviously getting to him.

Since we found out we were having another girl he lost all interest in the pregnancy I had to repeatedly ask for him to help with the baby's room I ended up doing a lot of lifting myself as was sick of asking for his help. 1 night in tears begging for him to help me with the room as was sick of asking. He moved a couple of boxes that's it. He's shown no interest at all.

I'm at my wits end he never asks about the baby, doesn't touch my belly or ask how I am. Thinking of asking dm to be birthing partner instead

[PurpleDaisies]

Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)!

I’d be leaving. If he’d done that to you, everyone would be telling you to leave.

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

You had the high ground, and my support, until this

Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)

[pistolknight]

I’m surprised he’s still there tbh. You sound very controlling and you tried to hit him (wtf) I’d be gone if I were him

[JustMe81]

You’re obviously hormonal and not in a great situation OP, but smacking his drink out his hand etc is too far. You put yourself and your baby in danger, he could’ve reacted back and hit you back.

Sit down and talk calmly to him. My OH doesn’t do the whole bump touching either, he says the movements feel freaky and he doesn’t like it but he’s a great dad! Don’t make any decisions on a bad day, try talking and decide from there go to move forward.

[Blue565]

Smacked the drink out his hand and swung for him (not my finest moment)

Enjoy being a single Mum, domestic abuse works both ways. I wonder why he drinks so much?

[Lockheart]

You're a domestic abuser and he should leave you.

It doesn't matter if it's "just once" or "out of character".

Showing little interest and having a drink is never an excuse to assault someone - there is never any excuse.

He needs to leave and you need to get professional help.

[Witchinaditch]

Wow- you sound awful, you tried to asult him and then you ignored him! You say he is a great father, if he is a great father there is no reason to think he won’t be a great father to the new arrival. I don’t like it when people attribute bad behaviour to pregnancy hormones but I really hope yours is down to your hormones, I think you need to say sorry and mean it and not let anything like this happen again.

[dollydaydream114]

Did he actually want another child in the first place? Plenty of men are great dads to their existing kids but don't necessarily want more.

His job is very stressful, you say, and he works half the week away from you. That doesn't sound like a man who is desperate to have another child, to me. He is presumably drinking heavily for a reason and I suspect that reason is that he is very unhappy with the way his life is right now.

Clearly his behaviour is not ideal but it was absolutely NOT acceptable for you to knock his drink out of his hand and 'swing at him'. If any of my friends, male or female, came to me saying that their partner had knocked a drink from their hand and tried to hit them, I would be telling them to leave.

[BeckieMc]

I think calling me a domestic abuser is a bit much like. I never said I hit him yes I tried to out of anger as I was crying my heart out to him and he sat there saying nothing as usual and it was sheer frustration of him drinking. I was getting braxton hicks contractions at the time which he knew which could have been labour and he continued to drink (his 10th drink might I add) and He'd been drunk 3 times this week which has been so upsetting as I need him the most right now but he's always drunk. All I am asking is for him to stop drinking for 2 weeks at 38w pregnant how is that controlling?

He is 6ft 18stone I'm 5ft 2 slim build 10st at 9 months pregnant I swung at him yes but he grabbed me and pushed me away. Like I said not my finest moment

[PurpleDaisies]

I never said I hit him yes I tried to out of anger as I was crying my heart out to him and he sat there saying nothing as usual and it was sheer frustration of him drinking.

Oh, it’s ok because you didn’t manage to hit him and you were crying.

[PurpleDaisies]

What you you say to a friend who hit the drink out of their partner’s hand and tried to thump them?

[Couchbettato]

No wonder he's hid upstairs.

OP you need help with anger management.

Hormones aren't an excuse to act like that be it because you're pregnant or because you're on a period. This is like the first thing our mothers teach us when we hit puberty. We are not slaves to our hormones.

I think you need to give him space personally then apologise.

I sympathise that he was drinking and you feel stressed, I really do. But aren't you able to call an ambulance or get another family member to take you, or even get a taxi.

You need to commit to being a better partner before saying he needs to be a better partnerm

[PurpleDaisies]

Sorry, whose PARTNER had hit something out of their hand and tried to thump them.

Your minimising of your behaviour has made me quite upset.

[DrizzleKicks]

It does sound you may need help, OP. While I do sympathise your hormones are everywhere and you're feeling unsupported and frustrated, what you are describing is really not acceptable (violence).

I hope you reach out with honesty and get some help.

[GinDaddy]

Enjoy being a single Mum, domestic abuse works both ways. I wonder why he drinks so much?

You're a domestic abuser and he should leave you.

Wow- you sound awful, you tried to asult him and then you ignored him!

I’m surprised he’s still there tbh



OP, thanks for being brave enough to come on here and describe your genuine dilemna. The above responses dismay me to be honest because these people are showing no understanding of what it's like to live with an alcoholic or addicted partner, at a time of vulnerability.

I've noticed on this site that as soon as someone posts a complex nuanced subject, and admits to one bit of wrong behaviour?

A horde come rushing in to kick OP and say "you're a disgrace for doing X thing".

I think OP knows she was wrong, but is trying to describe the extremity of the situation! Not everyone is this honest on here and OP should be acknowledged for giving the full picture.

Also...shame on the poster who said I wonder why he drinks so much. Shame on you. As someone who knows addictions, it is not the fault of the partner. It goes much deeper than current circumstances and is usually based on something completely unrelated.

OP you are not driving him to drink.

[SmileCheese]

I appreciate you heavily pregnant, worried and emotional but none of that is any excuse to resort to violence.

If he had already had 10 drinks he wouldn't be taking you to the hospital anyway. Yes its frustrating that he is drinking but that doesn't make what you did ok.

I think you need to evaluate why you think it is ok to minimise your reaction?

[DrizzleKicks]

He is 6ft 18stone I'm 5ft 2 slim build 10st at 9 months pregnant I swung at him yes but he grabbed me and pushed me away. Like I said not my finest moment

It's not just a bad moment, it's the fact it escalated to this point and you were unable to control yourself. You lost control, lashed out and tried to assault your partner.

Just because he's physically bigger/stronger doesn't mean it's not abuse.

I think you have deeper issues here going on, OP.

[Juells]

Wow, what judgey posts. The OP is at the end of her tether. I'd be knocking the drink out of his hand as well. I'd also be leaving him :(

[katmarie]

TBH OP I can see why you are so frustrated with him, your actions were unacceptable and you know that, and I don't think they were justified by his drinking, but like I said I understand why you were so frustrated. It seems like you need to take a long hard look at the relationship, and seriously consider whether you want to continue with it. If I were speaking to him I would encourage him to do the same. Counselling may be an option for you both, for you to help you manage your anger and communicate without resorting to violence, and for him to get to the bottom of what his issues are such that he seems to have checked out of the relationship. But you both need to be prepared to work at it together and if he's not willing to engage with it, you might both be better off walking away from this before something worse happens.

[BeckieMc]

@GinDaddy thank you so much for your post I'm not in a good place at the moment and the sheer abuse I have got on here has shocked me. I'm not perfect I know and I'm sorry for the burst of anger last night but it has been a build up of months and months of no support from my dh and his constant drinking.

I like to think I've been a very understanding wife these past couple of years with him working away but I'm at my wits end, I came on here for someone to talk to as I feel alone and nobody to talk to about our marriage problems and to be told I'm the one who needs professional help

[Juells]

Counselling may be an option for you both, for you to help you manage your anger and communicate without resorting to violence

She's obviously been trying to communicate, and not succeeding. She's exhausted, feeling rotten, afraid of being left in labour with the options of being driven to hospital by someone drunk or having the baby on the bathroom floor. He's useless. At least if you're on your own you know you have to organise a lift for yourself.

[SmileCheese]

The above responses dismay me to be honest because these people are showing no understanding of what it's like to live with an alcoholic or addicted partner, at a time of vulnerability.

I think that's an unfair judgement. No matter what the situation if a partner resorts to violence it should be called out on. Yes the Op is living with someone who may suffer from alcoholism or equally he might just enjoy a drink we don't know.

Nevertheless swinging for your partner and smacking items out of their hand is domestic violence and if this was the opposite way round no one would be saying the behaviour was acceptable.

[FranklySonImTheGaffer]

OP, have some from me. While I agree your outburst wasn't your finest moment, Im surprised there is barely a shred of kindness in the replies to you!

Issue 1 - you shouldn't have knocked the drink out of his hands / swing for him. Whether that was anger, frustration or hormones, it isn't right. If those feelings come back, you need to walk away.

Issue 2 - your DH sounds like he's checked out of the relationship. At a guess, his life away from home is easy / carefree and he's seeing the grass is greener (not the case but I mean it is his perception).

When he is sober and not hungover, I think you need to have a difficult conversation and lay it all out for him. His behaviour isn't on and is causing you stress. Is he all in with you? Or does he want to leave? Because continuing how you are is not an option.

Get a plan ready that would allow you to be a single mum. He may choose to leave and you need to be ready for that, but this environment of alcohol, frustration and violent outbursts isn't going to change unless you do something.

[hammeringinmyhead]

Jesus. No, she can't call a bloody taxi, they won't take women in labour. And why the hell should she have to? My waters broke at 38+2.

[Lockheart]

If a woman with an alcohol addiction came on here and said her partner had swung for her do you think that

A) everyone would be telling her to call the police and leave the abusive bastard, or

B) tell her to have some sympathy as living with someone with an addiction can be such a struggle and he was vulnerable and at the end of his tether.

Abuse is abuse. It doesn't matter how you dress it up.

Noone has said his behaviour is acceptable - it is not. But the OPs is far, far worse.