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To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

(496 Posts)
toooldforthisshite Mon 22-Jul-19 22:00:48

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

Eustasiavye Mon 22-Jul-19 22:40:23

I think the fact that it is their second marriage is irrelevant. Lots of people marry more than once.
Why would you want to give them something they don't want?
Quite frankly hardly anyone is a teenage virgin living at home with their parents when they get married are they? Therefore they don't need a toaster.

PizzaTaste Mon 22-Jul-19 22:42:32

You certainly wouldn’t be invited to my wedding. The words ‘judgemental trollop’ spring to mind

groundanchochillipowder Mon 22-Jul-19 22:45:59

Of course it's relevant, when does the begging stop. FFS, they're hardly young newlyweds. Tacky as AF telling people to buy them a holiday when they're already going on one. Give them a card.

HopeIsNotAStrategy Mon 22-Jul-19 22:47:32

I entirely get where you're coming from. It may be a generational thing, but to me it feels extremely vulgar and grabby to ask for money. I can rationalise it all I want, but it doesn't sit well with me, it feels very wrong.

I think it's nice if people identify a range of china , glasses, cutlery, whatever, something they like, where people can buy a smaller or a greater contribution according to their budget and the couple get something they appreciate and will treasure afterwards.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:49:01

Begging? grin
Why do some posters get so angry about these things! Jealousy maybe?

Many of my friends asked for contribution to their honeymoon fund. They didn't need anything, or didn't want clutter at any cost, and tried to direct the gifts towards something useful, instead of receiving "thoughtful" gifts that would be a waste of money and space.

You buy a gift to make someone happy, if their honeymoon makes them happier than a saucepan, bottle of plonk or personalised frame would, why not contributing?

Genevieva Mon 22-Jul-19 22:49:57

Lots of people don't like giving cash, regardless of what it is for. There is still that tradition of wanting to give something that is really only suitable for a young couple setting up a home together. If you don't like giving cash, you can give whatever you want - an extra special bottle of rosé champagne might go down nicely.

Bignicetree Mon 22-Jul-19 22:50:06

@JustMarriedBecca

“We asked for specific gifts like a fantastic Michelin starred meal or a photography course to do together. “

Are you joking or serious ?

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:51:25

where people can buy a smaller or a greater contribution according to their budget and the couple get something they appreciate and will treasure afterwards.

Unless they have stated a minimum amount which would be rude, you can give as much or as little as you like, and why wouldn't the couple treasure their honeymoon?
I have had very generous guests at my weddings, I still treasure my honeymoon memories a lot more than my silverware grin

glueandstick Mon 22-Jul-19 22:55:33

I broke our kettle the week after we got married. Gutted we didn’t get one as a gift.

REllenR Mon 22-Jul-19 22:55:44

I don't like giving cash so I try to think of something thoughtful they will like. If I can't think of anything, I tend to give cash in the currency of where they are honeymooning and say buy a meal on us or similar. If it has to be cash I like it to be towards something specific and not the general pot.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 22:56:50

You seem very judgemental, not much of a friend if this is your way of thinking. I mean, you'd rather buy a gift that they may not want or even like than just giving them cash - something they would prefer?

It just sounds petty and spiteful.

Stick some money in a card, and let them choose how they wish to spend it, that's truly not your business.

£40 is enough, I mean you could even put £20 if you truly wanted to. I would suggest £50 at least as it is a friend.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 22:59:32

@Seeingadistance Oh come off it, I would love to see your reaction if someone told you they donated to a charity for you for your birthday or wedding gift. How ridiculous.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:00:26

@JustMarriedBecca You actually asked for those things, like seriously?

See, now that IS grabby.

justasking111 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:00:46

I give money to children on their birthdays. Money for a wedding gift would not bother me. We gave money to a friends daughter just recently when invited to their evening do.

HopeIsNotAStrategy Mon 22-Jul-19 23:01:21

I think people feel more pressured to give beyond their means if there is a monetary value attached, it can easily become stressful or competitive. Going to a wedding is already a very expensive undertaking for many people and I think as the hosts it is good manners to be sensitive to that.

The way we did it, we chose some really lovely glasses, and even people who just wanted to give us a little token, e.g. neighbours of parents who'd watched us grow up, could buy us a glass and know it was something we'd appreciate, not a dust gatherer.

As a pp said, a bottle of champagne or a case/ bottle of nice wine is also an acceptable present in most cases that doesn't confer a duty of long term ownership.

PersonaNonGarter Mon 22-Jul-19 23:03:52

I never give cash (so tacky - can’t believe they ask!). I always buy off the wedding list though.

A gift is about both parties - and I like choosing off the list grin. I wouldn’t buy vouchers, even for experiences.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:04:48

@groundanchochillipowder Can I just point out that the A in "AF" stands for "as". You don't write as and then AF. grin

What did you think the A was for?

DearLady Mon 22-Jul-19 23:05:17

I’ve given gifts to my school friends, as I know what they like (plus they got married before cash gifts were the norm). Money for everyone else.

40 quid is fine. The amount should be whatever you can afford, not how much they expect. I hate all of this “paying for your plate” business...

PersonaNonGarter Mon 22-Jul-19 23:05:33

£40 is enough, I mean you could even put £20 if you truly wanted to. I would suggest £50 at least as it is a friend.

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship.

Beautiful3 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:07:40

Yes give them cash in a card. Better to give what they want, rather than something they'll never use. What ever you can afford is okay.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 23:07:50

what's so tacky about giving cash towards a wedding list: honeymoon food? It's still a wedding list.

I don't understand this weird reverse snobbery that one must not give cash and must not contribute to a honeymoon - but silverware from a gift lift is perfectly fine

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:08:21

@PersonaNonGarter So a wedding list isn't tacky but giving money is? hmm

For many cultures it is a norm to give cash, in fact it's more common to give cash than buying presents globally. The idea behind it is usually so that the couple can spend it as they wish. It's not tacky nor is it grabby. You are not obligated to gift, but if you do then why not give them money?

UsedtobeFeckless Mon 22-Jul-19 23:09:38

I don't see a problem with cash - a couple l know asked for donations towards a stained glass window, which is going to look amazing and much better than a load of "thoughtful" megrims they'll never use ... lf you're going to spend money on someone why not buy them something they actually want?

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:10:59

@PersonaNonGarter Um, no it's not. What a strange way to think. I've never ever heard of someone receiving money and then going ahead to think that's what they're worth to the person. How pathetic to think that way.

People give what they can, and unless you're an entitled arsehole it's usually graciously accepted whether it be £10 or £100.

Rachelover40 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:13:26

I'd give them money and then think no more about it. It's not uncommon nowadays to ask for cash to partly fund a holiday. It makes things easier for the guest too. They may be a bit flash, splashing out with no hard cash but you obviously like them and they haven't hurt you. In time, they will have to be more careful with their money.

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