I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months.

[Privacysettingss]

Regular MN but I've name changed for the purpose of the thread.

I've just had a row with DH for rough handling DS, 18 months. He was changing his bum on the changing mat and DS was twisting and squirming as they do, DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way hissing "don't make it difficult!"

I'm probably not describing it well as I'm running on adrenaline at the moment and rush typing, but the point is he was rough and inpatient.

I was livid and immediately addressed it saying "don't you ever do that to him, ever"

DH immediately became defensive and began acting petulant "fine I just wont touch him at all then"

I replied that he shouldn't be man handling a toddler and I'm furious because this is the second time I've addressed his impatience and rough handling of DS and told him if I ever witnessed anything of the sort again he would be out.

Cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

He's now in a foul mood because he feels as though he has been attacked (verbally by me) for addressing it. He eventually admitted he could have been alot gentler, but still hasn't dropped his defensive woe is me routine. He's bringing up earlier unrelated arguments where I've said he's behaved badly, and saying I'm labelling him thick and all sorts.

Again the words never left my mouth.

This is fucking bad isn't it, tell me I'm not overreacting.

[Mummoomoocow]

You’re being a good mother. He’s doing the best he can in the moment also, he didn’t intend to hurt the child and regardless of whatever the man-hating mumsnetters say after me I think you both need to calm down and have a discussion about this later.

He’s defensive because he feels his parenting is inadequate, guilty for losing his patience, upset for the effect of his poor judgement on his child and a bunch of other things

He’s wrong and he needs to calm down to see it, you need to help him see it, now isn’t the right time. This is important and it should be communicated properly.

[cocomelon23]

I think you're overreacting. You both need to leave it until tomorrow and discuss it again when you're calm.

[Dmacka75]

I dont think you're overreacting
Any kind of rough handling of an 18 month old would not be acceptable for me

[MissPollyHadADolly19]

Overreaction on your part.
He didn't swear at him or throw him at a wall, I'm assuming your DS's legs are still attached?
I don't know any parent who in a moment with a wiggly toddler, hasn't had to "man handle" them into a nappy at some point, otherwise you'd be there forever and a day!

Relax OP it's not the end of the world.

[Rumours0fAHurricane]

I think you're overreacting yep. But I'm sure you'll have all the LTB's along very soon.

[Sunshine93]

I think you are overreacting. Unless i am reading it wrong he pulled him by his legs into a more suitable position to get his nappy changed. Is it the words he used because we all lose our patience sometimes?

cue more defensive tantrum like stomping about, then he accused me of calling him a "child abuser" which I didn't but if the shoe fits..

Accusing him of this is massive. You have to be sure because there is no going back.

[Breastfeedingworries]

I’m on the fence, I sort of dragged my 8 month old back to try and change her and stop her rolling off the table. I was gentle and I didn’t hiss or anything.

Maybe he’s struggling to change him, could he make it into a game? Ask him to hold his feet? My dd used to when she found her feet but now she just wants to roll away :/.

Depends how many times you’ve had concerns really. Has he done anything else? Raised voices and frustration can really upset a toddler but they are normal, no one is perfect but is there anything else your concerned about? X

[Rumours0fAHurricane]

And you WANT it to be bad. Was he violent? Swearing? Out of control? Did he hurt him?

You're right to tell him you find it unacceptable. Any mother would. You're probably not right to make him out to be some sort of abuser unless there's a drip feed coming

[Privacysettingss]

He has compared it to an occasion the other day when DS was having a tantrum and I muttered to myself "oh for fuck sake" and walked off into another room.

Whilst I appreciate that doesn't exactly cover me in glory I don't think he can compare the two scenarios. My MO when I've ever gotten frustrated is to remove myself from the situation and take a breather.

I think I'm being zero tolerance about this because it's been addressed before.

[Waveysnail]

Squirming toddlers are a pain to change. I think yabu

[Wildorchidz]

^^
This.

[JustMarriedBecca]

No one was there so we don't know how bad the physical force / rough handling was. Some parents take a very gentle approach and wouldn't dream of shouting at their kids, others would. Strangers off an internet forum won't be able to help.

The important thing is that you trust your gut. Is this a different parenting style or genuine 'to be concerned about' force and aggression. The former, you sit down together and calmly discuss a consistent approach....he's the Dad and 50% of raising the child is his decision. If it's the later then you have more reason to be worried.

[LadyLaSnack]

If there was anger (and therefore loss of control) behind the rough handling, I’d say that’s not ok.

[ChristmasArmadillo]

Yes, I think you’re overreacting massively.

[Privacysettingss]

No drip feed coming just the fact it's the second time he's been rough with him and I don't like it. He's a big guy and doesn't realise his strength, so whilst I don't think for a second he would ever intentionally hurt him he very easily could have.

I didn't call him a child abuser by the way, that's what he took from me telling him not to be so rough with him.

The "if the shoe fits" remark is on here only.

[AllStar14]

Yabu. Changing the nappy of a uncooperative toddler is not fun, sometimes you have to hold them down and just get it done. Your overreaction has made you DH feel small and inadequate and that's why he became defensive. I think you owe him an apology.

[HennyPennyHorror]

If he just spoke impatiently and used a firm grip, then you're being over the top. If he gripped/slammed your son then you're not.

Was it a slam? Or just a firm readjustment?

[Sunshine93]

My MO when I've ever gotten frustrated is to remove myself from the situation and take a breather

But he was on a changing table wasnt he? He can't just walk away.

Dont get me wrong he wouldn't win parent of the year for this but what you have described isn't child abuse. Of course none of us know him or any background and are basing it on our interpretation of your op. You do sound a bit melodramatic though.

[Lazypuppy]

YABU. And a massive over reaction

I've had to pin down/physically restrain my dd when i'm trying to change her nappy and she is squirming and rolling.

[Sunshine93]

Could you say what happened the first time?

[TinklyLittleLaugh]

I’ve pulled a wriggling toddler by the legs to change them, that’s ok surely?

I’ve also headlocked one to brush his teeth.

It’s hard to know if you are verreacting from your description.

[HennyPennyHorror]

DH sort of lifted his legs to turn his body back straight and 'dragged' him back down in an inpatient way

This doesn't sound terrible. Even with the "hissed" "Don't make it difficult"

[HennyPennyHorror]

But you know your husband. Is he aggressive? A scary sort of person?

[Nicknacky]

I’m reading this thinking “I have done similar”. Haven’t most of us had to be firm with a toddler pulling away from us mid nappy change?

[MakeItRain]

I think only you can know if what you saw was acceptable not. I'm guessing that your gut feeling was that he hurt your son through anger. Him accusing you of calling him a child abuser can (not saying always) be a ploy to shut you down. Because your instinctive response will be "of course I didn't say/mean that" and to minimise what you saw. It can also cleverly direct the focus on you and your responses and not what happened.

Having experience of another's aggression I would say listen to your instincts. Lots of people here will be equating this with their own flashes of irritation (and therefore say you're overreacting) but only you can know if he's crossing a line.