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Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

(205 Posts)

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Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:05:16

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:55:55

How do I address it though?
Will I be better off to ignore him ? Do I ignore the plans made for tomrorow and just take DS out?
I will say- why did you turn your phone off and not come home
Him- well i wouldn’t have but you were mad I went for a few points so thought what’s the point now

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:56:17

I just know he will turn it round on me if I say something

ShawshanksRedemption Fri 12-Jul-19 20:59:15

Are you absolutely sure DH knew it was a date night? If he did know it, he's being absolutely disrespectful in his ignoring you. It's just not on.

You do need to start leaving your DS with DH though. Start with an hour and build it up. Your DS is his son too and he should know how to look after him.

Forensicpsych Fri 12-Jul-19 20:59:57

You tell him his behaviours unacceptable and you won’t be playing happy families tomorrow.
That he’s being disrespectful and will lose you both. Tell him you wouldn’t do that to him so why does he think it’s ok to do to you?

ShawshanksRedemption Fri 12-Jul-19 21:04:06

"why did you turn your phone off and not come home?"

"well i wouldn’t have but you were mad I went for a few pints so thought what’s the point now?"

"It was disrespectful after I had cooked a meal for us as it was date night. I feel very upset that you put yourself first, without any consideration for the effort I put in."

Your DH is now a dad, with all that comes with it. Equally you need to let him have DS and trust him to look after him. I would still go to the MiL birthday do, as it's not her fault.

Jellybeansincognito Fri 12-Jul-19 21:09:39

He sounds like he thinks he is above you, your relationship doesn’t sound equal and you’re scared of his reaction because he always turns it around on you.

You can’t remain in such a relationship- it just won’t work out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:10:06


I cant believe you're even asking if you're being unreasonable.

Letting anyone down at the last minute, when you've made arrangements, and not even having the decency to let them know, is incredibly rude in ANY situation (bar medical emergency etc). Being annoyed at this is normal yet he is using this as an excuse to behave how he wants.

Turn it around on him. What would he do if he was looking after his baby for 20 min while you nipped to the shops and then you just didn't come home and then had a go at him when he asked you wtf you were playing at.

You can't change his behaviour the only thing you can change is how you react to it. Dont apologise. Stick to facts. You said youd be home and you weren't. This made me upset. Ask questions- why do you think its acceptable for one parent to do all the parenting while the other carries on like they never had a kid? The answer is probably going to be because they are the mother. But not all fathers are like that. Both myself and husband have equal nights out. Equal time for hobbies. I was ebf so did night feeds but he would get up early and even drive around at night sometimes to give me some rest. He gets up at the weekend more than me to give me a lie in. This is what a partnership is.

I think unthoughtful behaviour is one thing, but turning it back on you is pretty horrible. He doesnt want to listen. I would ask for counselling. Or think about a trial separation and see how you get on

Drum2018 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:10:27

Why isn't you send him off with ds to his mother's birthday tomorrow? Don't make an issue of it. Just say in the morning that you are taking a few hours out to go shopping, and that he can take Ds to his mums. He can't refuse as you've been sat in all evening with Ds. Don't take Ds tomorrow and go off with him. Leave Ds to Dh. He needs to get used to spending time with his son so let this be the start of it.

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:06

I would have gone fucking nuclear on him ages ago, but my husband wouldn't do this because he's decent and he loves me.

Are you going to give him a few ultimatums?

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:24

Also he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. He turned off his phone because he wanted to turn off his phone, not because of anything you did, that was his decision alone. Most parents wouldn't turn off their phone when out just because of the tiny chance something happened to their child and they were needed

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:55

You a single mother already.

This man is seemingly not even capable of caring for his own child for an hour.

He doesn’t even have the decency to call you and discuss his plans, or give you the respect you deserve as his dp and the mother of his child.

What I would do? Pack his bags, and call his mother.

If this isn’t an option. Go to bed and don’t say a word. Not one.

Tomorrow you wait until ds is out of earshot and you tell him precisely where he stands.

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:02

Talk about how you felt, without focusing on using "you" to him, e.g. don't say "you should have let me know earlier" (even though he definitely should have!). Try something like:
"I'm really happy for you to enjoy an evening out, but if I don't know in advance I feel ignored, just let me know next time".
"When you didn't let me know what was happening, and I thought we were having a date night, I felt disappointed".
It may help mute his reaction to speak to him like that (worrying that you're concerned as to his response), but really he sounds like an arsehole and if he doesn't start acting like a husband and father, I'd be considering my long term future with him.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:41

I’ve given him an ultimatum previously- he even turned that round on me and said well that’s the choice you’re making etc etc
I feel so numb
I really can’t describe how I feel I think it’s a build up of everything
But I feel really deeply sad.
This week is the anniversary of my mother’s suicide 3 years ago. Hence why we planne a date night / nice weekend to cheer me up
And right now I feel in a very very dark place. I needed something to make me happy I really needed support and now I’m just sat in bed crying

SeaToSki Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:47

try using I statements rather than you statements. they are harder for him to turn around.

"I was upset when you forgot about our date night and didnt come home"
"I worry about you if you dont come home when you told me you planned to"
"I am sad that you dont spend more time with DS"
I feel that I am overlooked and taken for granted in our relationship now DS is here"
"I want to feel loved by you, not just your skivy and nanny"
"I would be so happy if you took DS for a couple of hours so that I could get a hair cut"

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 21:17:56

‘Dp I deserve respect and ds deserves to have a reliable father. Do you still feel up to the job?
Nights out are pre planned from now on, and we should both be in agreement as to what night.
In addition from today now you will look after ds for a few hours each weekend building up to joint childcare. He is our child, and he needs a father’

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:18:04

I'm sorry OP. Just seen your update.

It seems he's just a shit.

I don't think there is any point in discussing it with him. It sounds like he is more into blaming you than listening to you.

Have you got anywhere else you can move to?

I'm sorry about your mum

lyralalala Fri 12-Jul-19 21:20:42

We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me.

Why does he not pay at least 50:50 for the baby as well?

Unless you earn a shedload more than him then everything should be 50:50 at least.

Are you on maternity pay? Has that been accounted for in your split?

Do you get anything good from your relationship? Honestly think about it, do you?

There’s nothing lonelier than being alone in a relationship.

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:23:43

I’m so sorry about your mum flowers
This guy is not a partner. He’s not on your team. I’m guessing you know that already.
If he will be angry and has been drinking. There is really no point in trying to talk to him tonight.
Can you read or put a movie on in bed until you’re ready to sleep?
Tomorrow is another day. You can text him mum and say you’re unwell if you don’t want to go. Alternatively, pack him an overnight bag, pop it in the boot and when at your mum’s, tell him he’s out and dump him and the bag there!

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:24:26

So sorry, at his mums

fairislecable Fri 12-Jul-19 21:25:39

Send him a message now: Have a good time tonight I will take my time tomorrow.

Leave him with baby, car seat and nappy bag packed.

Off you go alone for a wander around the shops, have a lovely lunch and perhaps the cinema in the afternoon.

Don’t feel guilty this is your time and for him a learning experience.

breakfastpizza Fri 12-Jul-19 21:25:50

Time to start making an exit plan. You and your son deserve better.

flowers for the terrible anniversary.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 21:27:27

I don’t feel strong enough to do anything.
I know if my friend was in this relationship I’d tell her she deserves better. But it’s s much harder when it’s you and it’s your dreams and it’s your family. My dad would be gutted if I tried to go stay with him purely because he would be so worried about me. And he’s been through so much.
I just don’t know if I’m over reacting because I feel so low. I feel like I have no purpose. The first time in 3 years since my mums suicide I can understand why she did it rather than being clouded with anger. And it’s scaring me sad

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:32:36

You aren’t alone. You have a little baby and you are his whole world!
Would you consider a call to the Samaritans? They provide an excellent listening service. No judgment. It might help you to feel less alone xx

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 21:33:13

What do you do?

Well, you wait until tomorrow before talking to him. He's been out drinking and you're hurt and annoyed so no good will come of discussing it tonight.

How do you think he would react if you told him the following?
- You're hurt because he went out even though you'd planned a date night and you were looking forward to it. It made you feel unloved, unappreciated and disrespected.
- You want to discuss a fairer share of parenting duties, including equal "time off" and opportunities for each of you to have one-to-one time to bond with the baby.
- The two of you need to review finances and a fair split of contributions now during your maternity and after you return to work.

You do plan to return to work, right?!

AntiHop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:33:32

So sorry op. We're all here for you. flowers

Your dh is behaving appallingly.

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