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... about daughter’s holiday clothes

(397 Posts)
Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:08:50

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

Alsohuman Fri 12-Jul-19 14:11:08

Of course you should ignore her. She’s the dictionary definition of a cheeky fucker. Don’t give them a stitch.

Drpeppered Fri 12-Jul-19 14:11:34

Who cares if they think you’re being mean? They are your daughters clothes. Just ignore

Chasingsquirrels Fri 12-Jul-19 14:12:06

Even without any complicated back story you should be ignoring this, they are her clothes.

The swim stuff maybe fair enough, if you wouldn't plan to swim in that time, but every day summer clothes? No way.

Herocomplex Fri 12-Jul-19 14:12:20

Nope. Why doesn’t granny put her hand in her pocket and buy her GC’s some things of their own if she’s so keen to interfere? I wouldn’t do it.

Treaclesweet Fri 12-Jul-19 14:12:58

Don't give them anything it will only encourage them. Unbelievably out of order!

ThePhoenixRises Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:00

Please don't bundle up any of it.

Nicolastuffedone Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:07

Not in a million years!!! She’d not get a hankie from me.

Seeline Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:50

What a cheek!

I wouldn't be lending anything unless your DD could really risk being without. It will be for longer than 2 weeks by the time you've handed them over, and they've been washed and returned.

Is the cousin particularly hard up so clothes would be limited?

Chickychoccyegg Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:57

completely ignore, children do not need to share they're new summer clothes, granny is a cf.

crustycrab Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:42

Ignore. The Granny surely has no say in what Polly wears anyway. If you send a bundle of clothes her mum might be a bit hmm

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:47

Yeah I think you need to stand firm on this. If she messages just
"Sorry if I wasn't all that clear when we last spoke, dd needs these clothes for the summer. They won't be available for anyone to borrow. Happy to recommend some shops if you want to buy any outfits for Poppy - we obviously have similar tastes, hope you are well".

Tequilamockinbird Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:51

WTF? Ignore the CF.

PCohle Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:51

God no. They're not her "holiday clothes" they're just her everyday, summer clothes that she happened to wear on holiday. So she actually wants the shirt off your child's back. No chance.

trackingmedown Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:58

Granny should mind her own business. If there is stuff you genuinely don’t want let the cousin have it but not anything your daughter still wants or needs.

Hoppinggreen Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:20

Give them nothing
It’s ok to pass on stuff that doesn’t fit or you dint want but choosing stuff from photos is very cheeky - they’re holiday snaps not a bloody catalogue!

DisplayPurposesOnly Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:40

Granny can sod off. Don't even give this head space. Don't give them anything you don't genuinely mind giving them (and I mean genuinely, don't even give token bits to be nice if actually you do want them).

Teddybear45 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:43

Ignore the request completely. Your ex didn’t pay for those clothes, you did. Your MIL is effectively begging.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:49

Nope from me too. Why would she give her summer clothes away during the summer confused?

Sirzy Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:58

Don’t give her anything!

BuzzShitbagBobbly Fri 12-Jul-19 14:16:31

You send those clothes and you'll never see them again. Polly will have a lovely well-dressed summer though!

Teddybear45 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:16:46

You need to set a better example to your DD about speaking up. She looked to you for help but you’re just enabling the granny!

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Fri 12-Jul-19 14:16:49

Honestly, why do people put up with this sort of stuff? Just ignore her! And if it gets mentioned again, laugh and say, "Why on earth would I pass on clothes that my daughter is still wearing? Once she's finished with them, they can be handed down to whoever needs them, but I'm sure you're not LITERALLY asking for the clothes off my child's back".

MyOpinionIsValid Fri 12-Jul-19 14:17:50

Nope - I wouldnt 'share' either. I t would be a different matter if she had out grown them and you had no use for them, but this si her actual wardrobe. Granny can sod off!

BabyMoonPie Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:02

They are your daughter's clothes which she needs - she can't share! Tell granny where the lovely clothes came from and she can buy Polly her own

PapayaCoconut Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:12

‘children have to share’

No they don't. Adults never bloody share anything, so why should children?

MichelleC69 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:39

No way, this is plain weird. Tell them to bugger off.

cornflakes5 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:46

That is so odd, and definitely unreasonable. I would just do nothing - I doubt they will ring you up again specifically to request the clothes.

If you wanted to be generous, perhaps have ready one or two token dresses you won't miss too much if never returned. Maybe something you can only wear in really hot weather so that your daughter won't really miss them.

Such odd behaviour...

LightDrizzle Fri 12-Jul-19 14:19:17

That’s not normal. It’s bollocks.
Don’t you dare hand over your poor daughter’s lovely clothes. If you do, I’ll come out of the Internet and wibble your face in a bowl of jelly!

Pinktinker Fri 12-Jul-19 14:19:47

Ignore and don’t send a thing.

ajandjjmum Fri 12-Jul-19 14:20:13

Maybe you could suggest to Granny that Uncle buys some nice holiday clothes for his niece, as he clearly can't be bothered doing so for his own daughter.

I'd take stuff to the charity shop rather than give it to the niece - cheeky shit!

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 14:20:53

How odd. I suspect neither Polly's parents nor Polly herself would actually want them.
Is the grandmother very old, as in war-time-rationing old?

Purpletigers Fri 12-Jul-19 14:21:32

Granny is a cheeky sod . Don’t send anything at all .

Booboooo Fri 12-Jul-19 14:22:28

I would have laughed in her face!!!!!

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints Fri 12-Jul-19 14:22:36

Nope, I wouldn’t be lending them anything.

It would be fine if said cousin was 12-18 months younger & she’d asked if you’d mind passing them down for next summer when your dd has outgrown but to expect them in a matter of weeks is very cheeky.

kezibear Fri 12-Jul-19 14:22:56

Nope!!! Does Polly ever share her clothes with your Dd? Sister's share clothes --usually without asking the other first. but not children outside of the home. You'll never get them back!!

IceQueenCometh Fri 12-Jul-19 14:23:18

Not a chance. They are DD's clothes and not for sharing. End of story.

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:23:43

Thanks all, when I was little my parents regularly handed my clothes down to my younger cousins - when I had grown out of them. I remember my aunt announcing that her daughter will look lovely in a dress I had picked out myself and feeling. Really pleased.

But this is different - clothes still fit and while the rash vests won’t be used much the rest will be worn probably through to the end of September.

For context, polly’s Mum was there agreeing with granny. They aren’t especially hard up (they can afford a holiday in Spain after all), but always point out I am ‘living the high life’ (I wish☺️).

Expressedways Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:12

Ffs don’t put together a small bundle. Why are you going along with this?! Ignore them and please don’t send them any of your poor daughter’s clothes.

shiningstar2 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:24

Never heard of such a thing. The only way other child family members usually get passed on clothes is if your own child has outgrown them. For example if your daughter's last year's outgrown summer clothes fitted her cousin. You don't buy lovely summer clothes to have to have your daughter making do all summer long. Two weeks holiday ...then washed and returned? Summer would be over. Even if her dad provided for her they would still be her summer clothes. If he doesn't ...even more astonishing cheek for grandma to suggest this. Keep the clothes you have bought for your daughter this summer op and let your daugter enjoy them. If they wanted to borrow one special outfit, for a wedding or something, for a couple of days, that might be acceptable for her a substantial amount of her summer clothes ...for practically the whole summer? No way. Just conveniently forget about the conversation and don't send anything at all.

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:54

I thought I had spoken up by saying just the swimming stuff, but I reassured daughter on the way home that she was keeping all her favourite outfits.

I did hunk of much better things to say in response on the way home, I was just so taken aback.

Expressedways Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:58

Handing down outgrown clothes is completely different and not at all comparable.

InsertFunnyUsername Fri 12-Jul-19 14:25:43

I really wouldn't said anything. That is unbelievably cheeky and odd.

Me and my cousins were very close growing up would share a toilet seat if we could blush there is no chance my mum or aunt would even ask this confused maybe a "i like that where is it from" but that's it. People are strange.

shiningstar2 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:03

not 'for her' should be 'but'

MichelleC69 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:23

but always point out I am ‘living the high life

WTF has it got to do with them what kinda life you live?! Some people are weird. And clearly jealous.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:43

Don't give anything unless you chucking out anyway
Just tell them with a smile that Spanish hypermarkets have lovely cheap. Kids clothes and they can buy some there .

sneakypinky Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:59

They can fuck off. Of course they can't give away DD's clothes.

I wouldnt send anything.

VeThings Fri 12-Jul-19 14:27:02

They are cheeky considering DDs dad doesn’t contribute.

I wouldn’t give any of it away to them. Sell the rash vests and put the money towards Autumn/Winter clothes.

SummerInSun Fri 12-Jul-19 14:27:27

Another vote for simply ignore. I think you handled it well by simply saying that your DD still need the clothes for the summer. If it comes up again you could tell which shops they came from.

But if you need to be more forceful, you need to say to Granny "It's not fair for you try to pressure DD into giving away some of her favourite clothes to her cousin. If they were on holiday together and wanted to swap dresses for a day then that would be genuine sharing and would be fine if they both wanted to do it. But these are things DD really loves, which I paid for, and she doesn't want to have to give them to someone else who might lose them, damage them, or simply forget to give them back. Which is absolutely fair enough"

Meowington Fri 12-Jul-19 14:28:21

Don’t put together a bundle!!!

This Stone Age idea that children need to share is bullshit!! If your daughter doesn’t want to share her clothes she shouldn’t have to.

chatwoo Fri 12-Jul-19 14:28:48

Ignore and don't bring it up again. Act all surprised if it's spoken about in the future grin

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:29:02

Ok - boyfriend is laughing he head off at me, but has a good suggestion

I have put together a bundle off last years rash vests and a couple of last years dresses. They are very similar to this years wardrobe so they won’t be able to argue, photos were on my iPad so no hard evidence.

Some might fit polly. Daughter is tall for her age.

Cloudyyy Fri 12-Jul-19 14:29:33

They are your daughter’s clothes!!! Do not give them away until she has finished with them.

VeThings Fri 12-Jul-19 14:29:56

If they ask, just laugh and say I thought you were joking as obviously DD needs her clothes.

Unless they are handing clothes down to DD or they are doing something special for her that you’ve missed off your posts. Then I’d think you might want to send over her outgrown clothes for them to use.

omafiet Fri 12-Jul-19 14:30:50

Don't give them anything. Cheeky bitch.

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:13

Or having caught up with the comments maybe I should just leave it. I rarely see granny - maybe just forget the whole episode.

You have all given me courage😊.

I think I am so keen that daughter sees harmony between me and her dad I sometimes don’t do the right thing,

Idontwanttotalk Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:22

Definitely do not bundle up any of your DD's clothes for her cousin to borrow. You don't 'share' clothes with other family. Once she has outgrown them by all means pass them on if you wish but otherwise they are just your DD's summer clothes.

Your ex SIL should be buying her own daughter's clothes.

Remember that your DD had a look of panic on her face. Just remember that look.

I remember, as a young teen, my DM giving away my favourite corduroy coat to a poor family just because I had a new coat. The cord one still fitted and I was very upset that MY clothing had been given away without a thought for me (I preferred it to my new coat). Please don't do that to your DD.

TheSandgroper Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:30


Iloveacurry Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:33

Don’t give them anything. If they say anything, well you bought the clothes with your money not from the nonexistent maintenance payment ...

Aprillygirl Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:48

Wtaf did I just read? LOL! Why on earth should your DD be expected to go without her nice clothes for two weeks of the short summer just so her family don't have to put their hands in their pockets? Honestly OP don't give these cheeky begs anything!

MrsBertBibby Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:19

Anusing idea, but it plays to the idea that there is anything remotely OK about trying to steal your daughter's clothes off her back.

Ignore, and when they ask again, just tell them you assumed they were joking.

Don't even give them rash vests, you won't get them back.

Absolutely cuckoo.

Hoppinggreen Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:26

Cheeky feckers get away with it because people don’t say no to them
Who cares if they “argue”? Why are you so concerned about what these people think?
If they complain that the clothes you give them arent the ones they wanted then screw them

omafiet Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:31

Why would you put a bundle together, even if last years clothes? Just say no. I can't understand why you would even consider clothing your ex_husband's niece. Sorry, OP, but you need to grow a spine here.

ambereeree Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:32

Don't send anything and if she asks again say no we need it as it's still summer. The tell her where you bought them?
Your ex doesn't pay for anything so why are you even considering sharing? Is the Aunt or Granny generous with gifts for your daughter

TheSandgroper Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:42

Nope. I don’t think so.

ShinyMe Fri 12-Jul-19 14:32:51

Why is there a link in the word dresses each time? That's odd.

I wouldn't give the cheeky fucker anything at all. And I'd be telling my daughter she can keep ALL her clothes, not just her favourites.

Vesperia Fri 12-Jul-19 14:33:43

She has grown out of most of last years stuff

Why not bundle up some of this ?

MichelleC69 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:34:12

I wouldn't even give them last year's stuff otherwise they'll just continue to try and take the piss. You're way too soft!

SolsticeBabyMaybe Fri 12-Jul-19 14:34:41

100% ignore and pretend the conversation never happened. It wasn't even Polly or Polly's mum's idea! Forget it!

newmomof1 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:35:54

I'm just here to appreciate the best threat ever:
If you do, I’ll come out of the Internet and wibble your face in a bowl of jelly!
Thanks @LightDrizzle you've made my day!

OP your ExMIL is a CF.
PLEASE just send all of last years stuff for a laugh.
And at Xmas ask the ExMIL when your DD can borrow Polly's Xmas day outfit.

newmomof1 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:37:47

Ah cross post! Well done your boyfriend lol

SoupDragon Fri 12-Jul-19 14:37:59

Don't give them anything!

AncoraAmarena Fri 12-Jul-19 14:38:16

FFS don't give her anything. Nothing, not last year's clothes, NOTHING.

You are just encouraging more cheeky fucker behaviour otherwise.

Ignore ignore ignore. Don't be a pushover and show your daughter you are standing up to them.

Usernamewillautodestrustin Fri 12-Jul-19 14:38:25

This is such odd behaviour. My MIL has tried to do this for me but not for any cousins (DH is an only child). She recently bought my youngest DD a huge set of summer clothes from Jojo Mama and I was very grateful. However she texted my DH and said she would like them back when DD has grown out of them as her friends daughter is having a baby girl.

DH told her that a gift is a gift and to ask for it back is very rude and it has not been mentioned since. The stupid thing is we are not having any more kids so had she mentioned it to me once they are too small for DD I probably would have offered.

Why do people think they can dictate these things to us!

Maryann1975 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:38:33

To me, children sharing is buying a big bag of sweets and saying to your dd ‘share these with your cousin’. It is not saying to your dd, go and get all your summer clothes because your cousin needs them for her holidays. I’d be happy to give them all the summer clothes next year when they were outgrown, but your dd will need them through out the summer holidays. What are they expecting her to wear?
If it comes up again, you need to be really strong and say no so your daughter knows you have listened to her wishes and following through what she wants to happen.
I also like the response from a pp who said to get granny to ask uncle to buy clothes for niece since he doesn’t buy any for his own dd. Does granny wrongly assume that the reason you can afford a lovely holiday and nice things is because she has been told your ex is paying for it all still?

sausageandrashers Fri 12-Jul-19 14:38:48

Don't give them any of your stuff! It's so rude and totally cheeky that they just expect you to hand over the stuff you bought for your daughter. It would be completely different if you were getting rid of clothes that were outgrown or not wanted and offered them but for them to assume they could just take your daughters clothes. I'm not in the most paternal grandparent friendly mood right now so this might include some of my rage at my dcs paternal granny and grandad and their favouritism towards my kids cousin but do not give them anything!!! Stay strong OP you are not being a meany but not giving them stuff. Just tell them quite honestly that your dd is currently using her own clothes!

Drum2018 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:39:33

These are your ex inlaws dictating that you should clothe a cousin for her holiday? Fuck that. Why do you even visit them? Can ex not collect dd for a visit? Do not give as much as a pair of socks for the other child. If they have the brass neck to ask again just say No. You don't need to make excuses or give any explanation. They are CFs!

Signhereplease Fri 12-Jul-19 14:39:57

Do it once, do it forever.

Dont give her a bundle of anything.

MrsRussell Fri 12-Jul-19 14:40:27

I'm feeling sorry for Polly here too - jesus imagine the embarrassment. Here you go, your grandmother has scrounged you another child's hand-me-downs.

I know it isn't like something from Victorian street London and most of us get some ncie things at boot sales, charity shops etc but I know my DS is horrified at the idea of second hand clothes, mum it's so embarrassing. (That's why I don't tell him grin)

Wonder if gran has actually asked Polly if she wants them?

DeRigueurMortis Fri 12-Jul-19 14:40:36

It's more than just about clothes - this is a lesson in boundaries.

You need to show your DD she is allowed to have boundaries and doesn't need to acquise to utterly cheeky requests demanding she hands over her personal items.

Don't give them anything - even old clothes.

An adult wound not be expected to share their wardrobe and there's no reason why a child should either.

SolsticeBabyMaybe Fri 12-Jul-19 14:40:51

Omg please don't give them anything this is totally ridiculous!!!

Also wtf are 'holiday clothes'? They're just clothes! Who requests the clothes off someone's child's back?!

LadyRannaldini Fri 12-Jul-19 14:41:04

Why pander to the batty granny by even giving her a few things? She'll then be back for more and more.

Idontwanttotalk Fri 12-Jul-19 14:41:12

"I think I am so keen that daughter sees harmony between me and her dad I sometimes don’t do the right thing,"
Don't mislead your daughter into thinking that parents can't disagree with each other and still get on. It isn't healthy for you to agree with your ex for the sake of peace. What is that teaching your daughter?

Eliza9919 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:42:25

I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

Yep. Why give people she sees fit the clothes off your daughters back, at her beck and call? Just ignore and don't hand over anything.

SkintAsASkintThing Fri 12-Jul-19 14:43:39

God. Just say no. And point out it will leave your DD short of clothes and put strain on your niece if stuff gets ruined or things do on holiday.

Idontwanttotalk Fri 12-Jul-19 14:43:48

"It's more than just about clothes - this is a lesson in boundaries.

You need to show your DD she is allowed to have boundaries and doesn't need to acquise to utterly cheeky requests demanding she hands over her personal items."

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername Fri 12-Jul-19 14:44:08

You need to show your daughter that there are boundaries, that her stuff is hers and no-one can just take it away from her on a whim.

Don't give them a thing.

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:44:34

Ok - feeling a bit bad now. I don’t think I handled this well at all.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:44:36

No, don't give her anything at all, not even a token effort, as you have identified it won't be good enough so they will talk regardless. They are your daughter's clothes, that you have worked for and paid for, for her to enjoy. She doesn't have to share anything, at all. Maybe she thinks their son has bought them so it makes it ok? Odd woman.

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 14:45:20

Don't give a thing! Entitled cow will start asking for toys next, she won't know where to stop. If you find it difficult to explain that you/DD are not sharing clothes she's currently fitting into, then just keep "forgetting".

FooFighter99 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:46:26

Also, don't send DD to her dads in any of the holiday outfits as she may not come back to yours in them! Granny will probably be ready to pounce and strip her off to give the outfit to Polly....

NCforpoo Fri 12-Jul-19 14:46:53

Err no. Tell them to go swivel.
They are your daughters clothes. That she's wearing. Because they're her clothes. Winter summer anytime. Unless it is like you say something specific that she's not using (and even that is still generous of you!) Then just no. She's using them.
I like your response of "this is where we shopped. We obviously both have great taste"

How old is DD? Mine is 4 and I can't imagine her agreeing to doing this- but she loves handmedowns from her cousins (When they don't fit them anymore!) And loves passing on clothes too - When she's grown too big.

NCforpoo Fri 12-Jul-19 14:48:15

And agree with PP. Its about boundaries. And your DD being able to say no. They're her things. Not even yours to hand over

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan Fri 12-Jul-19 14:48:37

'Polly would look lovely in that dress', would've been met by 'yes it's nice isn't it, I got it from next they have a sale on at the moment, they might still have some if you like it'. Tell them to piss off.

MichelleC69 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:48:36

Ok - feeling a bit bad now. I don’t think I handled this well at all.

Don't feel bad, you're obviously just trying to keep people happy. But sometimes you just have to put yourself and your family first.

PatriciaHolm Fri 12-Jul-19 14:49:48

You handled it fine! Assuming you didn't just roll over and say oh yes, it's all yours ;-)

Just ignore it.

I betting CFGranny thinks her darling boy bought it all and thus the clothes really belong to him rather than your DD....does she know he doesn't contribute?

And no, kids don't have to learn to share clothes they are currently wearing! That's bonkers.

ZillaPilla Fri 12-Jul-19 14:50:45

Your DD needs to see that you are putting her (completely reasonable) wishes first.

Don't feel bad, it's a bloody mine field trying to do the right thing.

floraloctopus Fri 12-Jul-19 14:51:15

Ignore her. There is no reason why cousins should share clothes, they belong to your daughter and that is that.

Dippypippy1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:51:32

DD is seven - and take great pride in her clothes, picks most of them herself (with a subtle guiding hand).

polly would be welcome to the unicorn onsey😊

I am honestly not a crap weak mum, I just seem to be crap at navigating the ex and his family/girlfriends. I will do better.

womaninthedark Fri 12-Jul-19 14:51:46

Give them not a thing.
My mother passed all my clothes on, to my younger cousin.
By age fourteen, cousin was coming round to my house to look through my wardrobe and help herself.
Don't let it start.

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