... about daughter’s holiday clothes

[Dippypippy1980]

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

[Grumpelstilskin]

That would be a big fat nope from me. They aren't close family and your ex hasn't paid for it. Anything your DD has grown out of would still be better to give to any friends or family on your side. Or someone that actually needs it.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Ignore, ignore, ignore. You thought she was joking, or on a flight of fancy, right?

Granny may have furnished herself with a 'holiday wardrobe' but most people just have clothes.

[cabbagepatchcactus]

'Aww yes of course, Polly can borrow any of the holiday clothes that were bought by or contributed to by DD dad insert sickly sweet fuck you smile here' that's your answer 😂😂

[Ginger1982]

Yup, don't give anything. If you do 'lend' them, I bet you'll never see them again!

If Granny wants to mention about you 'living the high life' maybe you could remind her about her son's lack of contribution.

[Leeds2]

I wouldn't send a single thing.

Does MIL have any idea that her son doesn't help financially for his child?

[harveywallplanner]

you have all given me courage
Oh dear, I think you have bigger problems if you need courage saying no to someone about sharing your daughters clothes off her back

[LightDrizzle]

Yes, don’t feel bad! You are clearly -soft as shite lovely. It’s difficult when you are caught on the hop.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

Of course you don’t give her your DD’s stuff. Have you been through CMS for child support? Isn’t granny a bit embarrassed her son doesn’t support his daughter?

[raspberrycordial]

You're not weak, you're kind and were put in a tight spot-someone's we need an outside view to help guide us and stop us being taken advantage of. My advice would be ignore and each and every time they as again just say "oh yes I will sort that out" and just don't.

[BishopofBathandWells]

I wouldn't feel bad @Dippypippy1980, I'd probably have panicked in the moment and not said the right thing. How you deal with it from hereon in will be the thing that defines this situation. Stand your ground. Easy for me to say with my Generic Internet Advice, I know!

[blackcat86]

Me and DD mostly wear 2nd hand and I usually give away or sell clothes she has long since grown out of. Hanging down swimming stuff is a bit yuck. Also DD is only 10 months so she doesn't have any attachment to her clothes. Granny clearly has some very old fashioned views. Children do not have to share, especially swimming costumes.

[Rachelover40]

What a flipping cheek! You don't suggest borrowing clothes for someone else, relative or not. It's up to the owner to lend if they choose to. I'd ignore it in your place.

Are the niece's parents hard up? If so, maybe granny could buy the girl some new togs.

I can't get over the absolute nerve of the woman.

[Dippypippy1980]

I doubt granny has any idea he doesn’t contribute.

However she always had an issue with me earning more (our income disparity is quite obvious unfortunately).

[livefornaps]

I grew up in hand me downs

This is entirely different.

Do not give one single thing. Tell your daughter that none of her things are being given.

If granny comes scrounging, just laugh and say "oh soz gran, i presumed you were off yer tits on crack last time."

Then watch hilarity ensue

[MichelleC69]

Whether he contributes or not isn't the issue here (although clearly he should be paying maintenance). But they would still be HER things and you would not be obliged to give them away to his scrounging family!

[RightYesButNo]

Some kids don’t care at all about their clothes but based on your latest update sounds like DD definitely does. And I definitely wouldn’t even lend them so much as a rash guard from this summer because as so many PP have said, and they’re all correct, you will NEVER get it back!

It’s incredibly hard to navigate your relationship with your ex and his family in front of your child, I’m sure. But if standing up for her means disagreeing with them... you disagree with them. That’s it. So when she looked at you for back-up, that was the end of the harmony, and I don’t think she needed to see harmony, either. (Sounds like you’ve done plenty, even going over there to show them holiday snaps). She wanted her mum to laugh and say, “Not a chance, you cheeky fuckers.” Or you know, whatever the 7-year-old version of cheeky fuckers is

Now I’d ignore it ever happening and if it comes up again, THEN say, “I thought you were kidding. I’m not giving you clothes my child is wearing RIGHT now, this summer. I would never take all your clothes for two weeks. Why would we do it to the kids? Don’t be ridiculous.” If it’s not in front of your daughter, you can even point out ex pays for nothing, so they can ask him to buy Polly clothes. And then change the subject before they argue, or ignore further texts if via text.

[lottiegarbanzo]

Btw, really interesting that your title is about 'holiday clothes' yet actually, you tell us, these are your dd's summer clothes.

You are subtly allowing these people to enter your head and tell you how to think, shaping you into their compliant agent. Stop it. You are your own person.

Don't give them anything. By complying with such an unreasonable request you would be subordinating yourself to them. That would be a very bad example to teach your dd.

If they come back and ask really nicely if there's anything you could spare, you could say you'll look out some of last year's clothes for them to try - but they have to ask nicely, in a way that appreciate they're asking a favour and you're free to say no, first.

[Beechview]

This is not normal. Just ignore them.

[floribunda18]

No, they are your daughter's clothes! Handing them down would be fine. It would be weird to just borrow a whole set of clothes someone was still wearing though. Are they very poor or something?

[Purpleartichoke]

Don’t send anything. This is a bizarre request.

Wouldn’t be surprised if little Polly’s parents would actually be mortified if something showed up.

[katewhinesalot]

No way. "Sorry. We are still using them" and repeat.

[chocpop]

I totally understand why you didn't say no straight away. People like Granny know that you wouldn't say no to her if she phrased it a certain way. It's that 'oh of course...' thing. You feel taken aback and by the time you've processed it, the conversation's changed and you feel too awkward to bring it up again.

I don't think you should give anything to her, tbh. It's up to Polly's parents to provide her clothes. You work hard for your money and cover all your child's expenses as it is. What is your daughters should remain your daughters. I'd only give away my DDs clothes after the season is over and she's definitely outgrew them (and even then, I'd probably want to hang on to them for a few years in case I have another child, then if not, donate them!)

Don't give the clothes. Make up excuses to being busy and whatnot if you don't feel comfortable saying no, outright. Or just tell her straight- whatever works for you. She's a CF.

[Maybelle15]

I would have told the granny that polly’s mother should provide for her like you do for your daughter. I would most definitely not send any items of clothing to them.

[VeThings]

From your latest update - I reckon they think you’re better off and able to just give away clothes to them.

[Lorddenning1]

another vote for giving them feck all, good grief