... about daughter’s holiday clothes

[Dippypippy1980]

We got back from holidays a few days ago and I took my daughter to see her dad - not one of his days but she was very excited to tell him about the trip and show him some pictures (I did ring first😊).

His mum and sister were there, which was nice for my daughter. I had carefully selected photos which didn’t show my boyfriend - the snaps were either just of her or her with her cousins or my parents (I feature in very few holiday snaps!!). All went well - until granny announced that my daughter had some lovely holiday clothes, and her cousin would be able to use them on her holiday. She even pointed to several outfits saying won’t ‘polly’ look lovely in that!! Ex has a niece about six months older than my daughter.

Daughter gave me that panicked look, and I commented that I was sure she could borrow some of the swimming stuff (I am very careful about the sun so we had loads of rash vests) but that we would need the summer clothes for the summer. Granny laughed and said she was sure we could spare them for a couple of weeks and ‘children have to share’.

I am going to put together a small bundle - nothing daughter really loves and only a couple of dresses that she’s probably won’t wear at home. But I know they will think I am being mean. But really, they are her clothes (t-shirts, shorts, dresses, swim suits) for this summer. She has grown out of most of last years stuff and she can’t wear heavy winter clothes for two weeks? I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

If it helps, due to a complicated back story, ex doesn’t pay child support and I buy all the clothes.

[Drum2018]

These are your ex inlaws dictating that you should clothe a cousin for her holiday? Fuck that. Why do you even visit them? Can ex not collect dd for a visit? Do not give as much as a pair of socks for the other child. If they have the brass neck to ask again just say No. You don't need to make excuses or give any explanation. They are CFs!

[Signhereplease]

Do it once, do it forever.

Dont give her a bundle of anything.

[MrsRussell]

I'm feeling sorry for Polly here too - jesus imagine the embarrassment. Here you go, your grandmother has scrounged you another child's hand-me-downs.

I know it isn't like something from Victorian street London and most of us get some ncie things at boot sales, charity shops etc but I know my DS is horrified at the idea of second hand clothes, mum it's so embarrassing. (That's why I don't tell him )

Wonder if gran has actually asked Polly if she wants them?

[DeRigueurMortis]

It's more than just about clothes - this is a lesson in boundaries.

You need to show your DD she is allowed to have boundaries and doesn't need to acquise to utterly cheeky requests demanding she hands over her personal items.

Don't give them anything - even old clothes.

An adult wound not be expected to share their wardrobe and there's no reason why a child should either.

[SolsticeBabyMaybe]

Omg please don't give them anything this is totally ridiculous!!!

Also wtf are 'holiday clothes'? They're just clothes! Who requests the clothes off someone's child's back?!

[LadyRannaldini]

Why pander to the batty granny by even giving her a few things? She'll then be back for more and more.

[Idontwanttotalk]

"I think I am so keen that daughter sees harmony between me and her dad I sometimes don’t do the right thing,"
Don't mislead your daughter into thinking that parents can't disagree with each other and still get on. It isn't healthy for you to agree with your ex for the sake of peace. What is that teaching your daughter?

[Eliza9919]

I should just ignore granny shouldn’t I??????

Yep. Why give people she sees fit the clothes off your daughters back, at her beck and call? Just ignore and don't hand over anything.

[SkintAsASkintThing]

God. Just say no. And point out it will leave your DD short of clothes and put strain on your niece if stuff gets ruined or lost.......as things do on holiday.

[Idontwanttotalk]

"It's more than just about clothes - this is a lesson in boundaries.

You need to show your DD she is allowed to have boundaries and doesn't need to acquise to utterly cheeky requests demanding she hands over her personal items."
This.

[UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername]

You need to show your daughter that there are boundaries, that her stuff is hers and no-one can just take it away from her on a whim.

Don't give them a thing.

[Dippypippy1980]

Ok - feeling a bit bad now. I don’t think I handled this well at all.

[LadyTiredWinterBottom2]

No, don't give her anything at all, not even a token effort, as you have identified it won't be good enough so they will talk regardless. They are your daughter's clothes, that you have worked for and paid for, for her to enjoy. She doesn't have to share anything, at all. Maybe she thinks their son has bought them so it makes it ok? Odd woman.

[HelenUrth]

Don't give a thing! Entitled cow will start asking for toys next, she won't know where to stop. If you find it difficult to explain that you/DD are not sharing clothes she's currently fitting into, then just keep "forgetting".

[FooFighter99]

Also, don't send DD to her dads in any of the holiday outfits as she may not come back to yours in them! Granny will probably be ready to pounce and strip her off to give the outfit to Polly....

[NCforpoo]

Err no. Tell them to go swivel.
They are your daughters clothes. That she's wearing. Because they're her clothes. Winter summer anytime. Unless it is like you say something specific that she's not using (and even that is still generous of you!) Then just no. She's using them.
I like your response of "this is where we shopped. We obviously both have great taste"

How old is DD? Mine is 4 and I can't imagine her agreeing to doing this- but she loves handmedowns from her cousins (When they don't fit them anymore!) And loves passing on clothes too - When she's grown too big.

[NCforpoo]

And agree with PP. Its about boundaries. And your DD being able to say no. They're her things. Not even yours to hand over

[MichelleC69]

Ok - feeling a bit bad now. I don’t think I handled this well at all.

Don't feel bad, you're obviously just trying to keep people happy. But sometimes you just have to put yourself and your family first.

[TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan]

'Polly would look lovely in that dress', would've been met by 'yes it's nice isn't it, I got it from next they have a sale on at the moment, they might still have some if you like it'. Tell them to piss off.

[PatriciaHolm]

You handled it fine! Assuming you didn't just roll over and say oh yes, it's all yours ;-)

Just ignore it.

I betting CFGranny thinks her darling boy bought it all and thus the clothes really belong to him rather than your DD....does she know he doesn't contribute?

And no, kids don't have to learn to share clothes they are currently wearing! That's bonkers.

[ZillaPilla]

Your DD needs to see that you are putting her (completely reasonable) wishes first.

Don't feel bad, it's a bloody mine field trying to do the right thing.

[floraloctopus]

Ignore her. There is no reason why cousins should share clothes, they belong to your daughter and that is that.

[Dippypippy1980]

DD is seven - and take great pride in her clothes, picks most of them herself (with a subtle guiding hand).

polly would be welcome to the unicorn onsey😊

I am honestly not a crap weak mum, I just seem to be crap at navigating the ex and his family/girlfriends. I will do better.

[womaninthedark]

Give them not a thing.
My mother passed all my clothes on, to my younger cousin.
By age fourteen, cousin was coming round to my house to look through my wardrobe and help herself.
Don't let it start.

[sackrifice]

just pop those clothes back in the drawer and forget this ever happened.