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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

beanaseireann Fri 12-Jul-19 09:28:01

Do you have a link to the previous thread ?

LadyBumclock Fri 12-Jul-19 08:50:09

It's not fair to call OP "silly". It's well-known how hard it can be to leave an abusive relationship when you have been ground down and doubt your own capacity to survive, or fear the process of leaving. Or perhaps a lack of confidence and self-esteem led you to accept that kind of relationship in the first place - I speak from experience.

OP it takes a ton of guts and it IS scary. But it's your life and you can make it happier - the fact you posted shows you recognise you need to leave. Finding the strength, courage and the right time is easier said than done but you can do it. Many people here want you to because they know how much happier you will be.

TatianaLarina Fri 12-Jul-19 08:35:05

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

It’s not that scary. The more you talk up the fear the more it grows. It’s the fear itself you fear more than anything.

By the sounds of your work, you just need to find another job with accommodation attached, and then you can go.

Palaver1 Fri 12-Jul-19 06:10:23

OP you have the choice stop being silly .
For the sake of a house that’s not even yours.
You stayed for a couple of years and have always been treated like crap.
Your free free as a bird there are others who are tied down because they have a lot more invested..lnfact your making a mockery of those that are really tied down.
Stay if you want live this life if you please it’s your choice.
It’s time you were shocked out of this silliness.
Remember you only get one chance one chance at living .Tick tock snap out of this get up and move.
I’m sorry I refuse to pander to this your choice your life your decisions

TheABC Fri 12-Jul-19 00:00:47

If you had cancer, you would be down to the doctor's ASAP and doing whatever they recommend to treat it. This guy is your cancer. He is just as likely to grind down your life and possibly kill you.
Treat it with the urgency it deserves. I personally think an overseas job in the sun teaching English would be a good substitute for a miserable holiday.

Lillieloveisland Thu 11-Jul-19 23:55:54

I really don't get you OP - your previous thread screamed leave.

This is the same.

You've been give great advice from posters who have been there and much more.

Either leave or don't. It's not hard

Coyoacan Thu 11-Jul-19 23:48:16

Really the longer you wait, the weaker you will be. You say you have very few friends because he alienated you from them. Are you certain they won't accept you back now?

I know you say that you are in as bad as position as a woman with children. People have pointed some of the advantages you have over a mother, another very important one is that you can look for live-in posts, in a hotel or abroad even. I don't know what kind of work you do, but I'm thinking of a stop-gap to get you clean away.

A friend of mine taught English as a foreign language in Georgia, for example. The job came with accommodation.

FizzyGrape Thu 11-Jul-19 23:34:00

I live in East Anglia and I have a room spare for a month or two.

Pikapikachooo Thu 11-Jul-19 23:23:29

You have no kids and no ties
Please please run for the hills lovely
Listen to people here and make an escape

Jaxinthebox Thu 11-Jul-19 23:09:06

please leave this abusive person. Im in Scotland and have a spare room if you need one. Just get out.

cafenoirbiscuit Thu 11-Jul-19 23:06:45

Cash-back at the supermarket is a good way of getting extra cash.
You can do this xx

MrsMiggins37 Thu 11-Jul-19 23:03:44

6 months, no kids. I’m not suggesting it will be easy but it will only ever get harder as time goes on.

justasking111 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:56:13

He is perhaps home now so she is being careful not to let him know she has been on here.

Slightlyjaded Thu 11-Jul-19 22:55:58

OP, this is going to sound harsh but


Unlike many, you only have 6 months of marriage under your belt - you have not been so worn down over years that you can't recognise abuse any more.

You have no children. Once you start again - your contact with him can be ZERO EVER.

You have a small amount of savings.

Most people trying to leave abusive marriages have NONE of those things. I promise you I am not trying to lessen the feelings of fear and overwhelming panic that you are facing (I speak from experience) but please believe me when I tell you that you are holding three aces right now. Leave whilst you have these trump cards as they are a huge advantage and however hard leaving will be, the quicker you go, the quicker you will be out the other side.

A home - you will find one
A job - you will find one
A happy life with this pig - never

Go now

FizzyGrape Thu 11-Jul-19 22:53:30

I so wish OP would come back and tell us that she's had an epiphany.

No kids, no responsibilities. And she's dumping his sorry arse as we speak. That would be the ideal.

Moralitym1n1 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:43:53


Moralitym1n1 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:43:35

You are clearly extremely incompatible


He's abusive.
There'd be something seriously wrong if she was comparable with him.

Orangeballon Thu 11-Jul-19 22:43:27

You have to decide what you want to do Op, it’s s your life and you are unhappy. One step at a time.

Thequaffle Thu 11-Jul-19 22:41:54

You ARE strong enough to start again. Confide in someone and ask for help. Please do not waste your life being with this man, he will get so much worse. The house the job it’s all sortable. You need to take the first step, everything else will be easier from there. Xxxxxx

FizzyGrape Thu 11-Jul-19 22:38:37

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak

Do you have parents or siblings who can accommodate you until you feel stronger? If so, you MUST ask for their help. Get things in proportion. My ex husband and my current husband have their faults and I complain about their minor failures. . But for all their faults, neither one has ever laid a finger on me in anger. I divorced my first husband because we married too young and grew out of each other. But he was gentle and kind. My current husband can be a pain in the arse but he is also gentle and kind.

If either one had pushed me up against a wall or shown any signs of violence I'd be out of there and gone. Immediately. And reported to the police. That's physical assault.

I hear of this so often nowadays, that 'he only did it once' or 'well, he was really stressed at the time' And women just continue to make excuses for, and stay with, men who are easily tipped over into violence.

If it's like this six months into your marriage JoylessNewMarriage then it can only get worse. You need to leave now. I really hope you have parents or siblings or friends who will accommodate you until
you can establish yourself elsewhere.

You only have one life. It's not a rehearsal. Don't waste your life on this awful man who treats you badly. From your OP I think he might be substantially older than you. Get rid of him. He's not your dream man, or your soulmate. Do you want to live your whole life with him?

There are lots of men with younger wives who treat them like goddesses and are very much in love with them.
Doesn't sound like your bloke falls into that category.

Seriously, you really have to rethink your options. Get strong. Mumsnet will help you with that.

Mummy0ftwo12 Thu 11-Jul-19 22:36:05

Are you brave enough to start picturing a new life? take some tiny steps towards that tonight/tomorrow? call women's aid just for a chat, look up the freedom program, look at job ads, house shares and picture yourself a few months down the line free and happy?

CaptainofmyownShip Thu 11-Jul-19 22:30:50

A practical consideration is needing a reference from your current employer to secure a new position. This might mean they reveal your new location to your husband.

Isatis Thu 11-Jul-19 22:29:41

I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again.

You really can find that strength, and there are people out there who are extremely willing to help. Contact Women's Aid as a starting point. You must get out, this is literally a matter of life and death.

RevealTheLegend Thu 11-Jul-19 22:26:14

This kind of thing...

RevealTheLegend Thu 11-Jul-19 22:23:43

Hotel jobs. Loads of them at this time of year.

I’ve done this, live in hotel chambermaid, food and a room included. Seriously, pack and get the fuck out. No kids, no debt. It’s easier that it will ever be.

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