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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

LittleFairywren Thu 11-Jul-19 19:07:48

Thank God you don't have children together. Is there anyone you can confide in?

lovesawindyday Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:38

Leave now and start again otherwise you'll be in the exact same position in ten years.

buttertoasty Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:47

You know what you have to do. He probably loves having your job and whole life tied in with his.

Could you just save up enough for a rented place and apply for another job? Is there anyone you could stay with?

Sunshine93 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:54

You should leave him. You can sort the money and house out later. You surely would be better off working somewhere else anyway. Leave now for your own safety and then see a solicitor to discuss the options you have RE your home.

AlmostAlwyn Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:02

You're definitely not alone. Can you call women's aid or another similar organisation?

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:41

Not having children is a blessing, but mother or not my life is in such a mess.
I have very few friends As he disapproves of most of them.

LellyMcKelly Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:48

Get your ducks in a row, start saving, look for another job (to ‘help get a bit more cash so we can have a holiday’). As soon as you’re ready, get out. You can’t stay with him. He’s dangerous.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Thu 11-Jul-19 19:11:17

Well thank goodness you don't have children. You are clearly extremely incompatible. Start looking for a new job. Get some savings together for a place to live and get out. Easier said than done.
Good luck.

Swellerellamoo Thu 11-Jul-19 19:12:46

It's never a dead end. You can cut the ties. Have you considered a refuge? Or just leaving and moving to a houseshare, or lodging? I know how terrifying starting again can feel, I've done it in a similar situation to you. But I did it and thank fuck and see it as when the rest of my life begun in hindsight. Women's aid really do help. Thank god you don't have kids and get the rock out of there. You can do it.flowers

Treaclesweet Thu 11-Jul-19 19:13:06

Is there anyone, friend or family you could stay with for a bit while you get back on your feet? I know the shame is horrible and it's hard to be honest with people but you might be surprised who will come through for you. flowers

Sexnotgender Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:02

He knows you’re snookered so his behaviour will escalate.
Get out and speak to women’s aid.

Mammalian Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:08

Please call Women's Aid and get practical and emotional support from them on how to go about getting out of there and getting your life back

MitziK Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:50

If you're left with nothing, it'll be worth every penny.

This time he pushed you into a wall. What if next time is down the stairs?

Get out before that happens. Before he lays one more finger on you.

Don't say a word to him, get your documents out if you can without being noticed (if not, you'll just have to get replacements), t hen just go. Don't look back. RUN. Tell work in confidence once you're safe (they might keep your job open or pay you), but not before in case they tell him.

And then you can decide whether you want to report him or not. I'd say yes, but it's your choice.

FermatsTheorem Thu 11-Jul-19 19:15:55

Thank god you don't have children.

My mum walked out of her first abusive marriage with just a suitcase and the pram. You can do this.

Plan. Save enough for the deposit on a flat, even if it's just a studio. Apply for every job you see that you're qualified for, preferably at least 50 miles away from him. Photocopy all the important financial documents so you can make sure you get a fair divorce settlement. Start saving for a shit hot lawyer.

Lockheart Thu 11-Jul-19 19:17:27

He sounds dangerous OP. If he shoves you into a wall, you should call the police.

How is your job tied into his? Is he in a position to fire you if you leave? Do you work very closely and so it wouldn't be feasible to carry on if you did leave?

Are you able to look for another job?

Is there any family you could go to? You can always get another home and another job. You cannot get your life back if he escalates the physical abuse. Your priority has to be getting out ASAP, even if that means going to family with nothing but the clothes you're standing in.

Waveysnail Thu 11-Jul-19 19:18:26

Theres nothing stopping you leaving and going to shelter and start building your brand new life

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 11-Jul-19 19:19:15

To you have access to the bank account?

Saffy101 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:19:51

Pack and leave when you know he is out, don't wait, he will get worse. Don't wait, what would you be waiting for. Plan, it do it, you will not regret it. Just as long as you have enough to get out with, really you will need very little.

GreenTulips Thu 11-Jul-19 19:20:04

Start getting your stuff together and see if you can find another job -

You know what you need to do

lanbro Thu 11-Jul-19 19:20:06

Run, now...the longer you stay, the worse it will get. A refuge is better than staying with this monster, then a job, any job to get some income. Please don't stay, you have only yourself to think about

Neverender Thu 11-Jul-19 19:21:36

Run far, far away...you can make a life for yourself

notatwork Thu 11-Jul-19 19:23:32

Oh OP: things must be awful for you but you have an out.
It's only been 6 months. Go now. Apply for other jobs, leave.
It's not too late for a safe and happy life.

Every month you spend in this unhappy and dangerous situation is another month you'll regret. Ask your friends and family for help. Start again.
I know its a huge ask, but this is your life, and you deserve better.

Beechview Thu 11-Jul-19 19:25:05

Seriously just leave. It doesn’t matter if it’ll be hard initially, it will be so worth it.
You’ll have peace and be in a better place mentally.
You should never stay with a man who thinks so little of you that they shove and yell at you and don’t want to support you.

Reach out to someone and make a plan to leave. Find another job and a place of your own.

Tavannach Thu 11-Jul-19 19:26:27

Pack and leave when you know he is out, don't wait, he will get worse. Don't wait, what would you be waiting for.

^This.
His behaviour WILL escalate. Call Women's Aid and get out as soon as possible.

JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:28:20

If I left him I’d have to leave my job. To go into too much detail is outing. The cottage we live in is part of his employment contract. So again I’d have to give this up.

We have separate finances. He refuses to have joint money for anything. Which is a good thing as it’s allowed me to save a bit.

I’m on my own 5 or 6 nights a week (he comes home about 10ish). When he has his children he treats them to bowling/cinema/sport. We rarely go out and I’m not invited with his children.

I appreciate not having children is a good thing but I’m just as desperate as a mum would be, my situation is no less horrible than If I was a parent.

recrudescence Thu 11-Jul-19 19:28:26

Tell him that if he assaults you again you will call the police. Contact Women’s Aid and begin your preparations to leave. Best wishes to you.

Sunshinegirl82 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:11

Could you look for another job that provides accommodation, even if it's just a stop gap?

SunshineCake Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:16

This is your life unless you are brave. If you don't want to leave then what's the point of posting? You must have known what people would say.

Drum2018 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:27

Have you no family or friends you could stay with? Even friends who you have lost touch with (because of him) would surely help you out. You really need to walk away asap.

londonrach Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:49

Before you have children...LEAVE. You very newly married get out now!!!!!

Patchworksack Thu 11-Jul-19 19:34:09

It is less horrible, you are only responsible for yourself and not for dependant children, and you have nothing to tie you to him for the rest of your life, once you are divorced.
Please leave and start afresh, this is no way to live.

Lockheart Thu 11-Jul-19 19:35:45

@JoylessNewMarriage no job or house is worth more than your life or your health. If he escalates the physical abuse, and statistically he is highly likely to, then you could end up dead.

Is that really a risk worth taking? I am sorry to be so blunt, but this is a very serious situation you are in. It won't be easy, but you need to leave ASAP.

SinkGirl Thu 11-Jul-19 19:37:45

I appreciate not having children is a good thing but I’m just as desperate as a mum would be, my situation is no less horrible than If I was a parent.

The point people are trying to make is that if you had children together, you’d be tied to him forever, plus the logistics of leaving would be more complex with small children in tow. You only need to think about yourself which is a good thing - that’s not to say that you’re not in a desperate situation.

Is there anyone who could put you up, even on their sofa, for even a few day? If you have to sofa surf for a while it’s not the end of the world. If you’ve lost touch with friends because he’s controlling, I’m sure they’d be delighted to help you get away from him!

ShakeYourTailFeathers Thu 11-Jul-19 19:37:58

You poor thing. Is there anywhere you can run away to? Parents /sibling?

Al2O3 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:39:12

He wants you into servitude in the same way he is in servitude through his own lifestyle choices.

It will only get worse.

Get out now and make the best decision for your future.

Ilove Thu 11-Jul-19 19:39:53

Where are you? What area of the country? I have a 2 bed cottage for. Rent, and we accept DSS

Alsohuman Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:27

If he’s like this after six months, God help you in the future. Get out. Now.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:29

Thank god you don’t have children.

Do you have anyone you could stay with? Anyone at all? Then you can apply for jobs and get back on your feet.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:29

Get out. Get out. Get out. As fast as you possibly can.

Fuck the job, you will find another one. Fuck the money, you can always make more. You simply can't stay with this man.

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:36

Would any friends or family put you up for a bit?

Can you afford a bedsit or house-share?

You're not safe where you are. Your instinct to run away is correct. Get yourself out, then rebuild your life from there.

H2OH20Everywhere Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:11

Get in touch with your friends, you know, the ones he disapproves of. I suspect he doesn't like them because he can't control them. Even if you haven't spoken to them for years, ring one tonight.

What's the monster's relationship with your boss like? Am I right in thinking you too work on the estate (or whatever it is) where you live? Is it feasible that the boss knows what the monster is like and would help you?

LakieLady Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:29

Please, please contact Women's Aid or similar. They will be able to go through your options with you, and you DO have options.

Keep a record of every incident and event where he has assaulted you (and pushing you into a wall IS assault) or been verbally abusive.

If he lays so much as a finger on you again, call the police.

He is an absolute shit.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:49

Is there anything in the house that is jointly owned you can pawn to get enough cash to get away?

wedding ring? Laptop? TV ?

DistanceCall Thu 11-Jul-19 19:43:47

He's going away on a boys' holiday? Great. Leave then.

No job is worth wasting your only life for. You'll find another job. People in Syria have no options. You have plenty.

TroubleWithNargles Thu 11-Jul-19 19:44:01

Get him arrested for assaulting you. With any luck he will lose his job and they will keep you on and put the cottage in your name.

Just out of interest, why did the mother of his children divorce him?

LadyBumclock Thu 11-Jul-19 19:44:42

It is better that you don't have children, because you don't have to support them financially or make allowances for them in your escape plans.

I'm not minimising how shit it is for you, not at all - it's awful. But as you're on your own you are free to get away. Yes you'll lose your job - but you can do any job while you get back on your feet, to support yourself. Keep saving, make a plan and leave while he's not there. Go somewhere a good distance away where he won't think to guess where you are.

A much better life is out there for you - you can do it.

Is there a friend or family member you could confide in and ask to stay with?

beckywiththecraphair Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:12

Prepare to leave. Pack a bag, nothing noticeable, just something you can grab at a minutes notice left somewhere he won't find it. Photocopy any documents you'll need. Get in touch with a women's refuge if necessary. If you have anyone, ANYONE, preferably someone he doesn't know about, to talk to, please please talk to them. You need to leave. Fuck the job, fuck the house, your life is more important and you have to save yourself before this man completely breaks you down.

And, it's not your fault. Red flags or not. This isn't your fault.

GabsAlot Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:41

have u tried looking on spareroom just for now-lots of people house share

Mouikey Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:42

Has he distanced you from your family? Your friends that he disapproves of, can you reconnect with them.

I know you don’t want to go into details, is it a family business? Something like farming? Can you speak to the boss?

It’s very simple to say, but you can get another job and another place to live, you can’t always repair damage either physical or mental inflicted by this abuse - you are worth more than this. Give yourself the worth you deserve - pack a bag and leave, you won’t regret it.

Whilst daunting now you will regret spending any additional time in his company.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:46:26

I appreciate not having children is a good thing but I’m just as desperate as a mum would be, my situation is no less horrible than If I was a parent

That’s actually not true.

You can walk out RIGHT NOW and keep yourself safe. You can find work. You don’t have to worry about keeping a baby warm and safe and fed. You don’t have to worry about school. You aren’t tied to the man for ever and ever and he can’t use access to the child to control you.

So forgive people when they say it could be a lot worse.

It’s a 6 month marriage and a cottage that was never yours anyway.

Your not financially linked.

Just walk the fuck out!

gamerwidow Thu 11-Jul-19 19:46:31

Leave I know it seems impossible but you will find a new job and even if you have a rent a bedsit until you’re back on your feet it will be worth it in the long run.
It will be hard, you won’t be back on your feet immediately but it’s better than a lifetime of fear if you stay.
Speak to women’s aid they often gave financial advisors on site who can help you.

EvaHarknessRose Thu 11-Jul-19 19:47:30

Not having children means you never have to see him again, that’s all people mean, of course its still hard to leave. Do a moonlight flit, you won’t regret it.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis Thu 11-Jul-19 19:48:33

If you have children you are always in each other’s lives. It’s still shit but you could start again somewhere else. Go to family or friends if you need to. Leave the shitty man and job and home and look for a new life. What’s the alternative? Doing this for years? I bet his ex knows what he’s like.

PennyPeaShooter Thu 11-Jul-19 19:48:48

Omg OP, PLEASE listen to what other posters have said. I was in your shoes two years ago. He could've killed me. VERY VERY dangerous. Like you I ignored the signs & it DID get worse. Do a Claire's law at the police station. I did & the results were eye-opening.

TatianaLarina Thu 11-Jul-19 19:49:37

The fact that you’re alone for those nights is a plus as you can use that time to find a new job. Then a new place to live. Then, one day when he comes home at 10pm and expects to find you home - you’re gone.

LadyMonicaBaddingham Thu 11-Jul-19 19:50:01

I desperately hope your so-called 'D' H isn't a gamekeeper. Get out. Get out now.

fussychica Thu 11-Jul-19 19:50:21

Your situation is shit, there's no denying it but it will only get worse if you stay.

It will be hard, awful even, walking away with almost nothing but you will be able to walk away.

Stay and you might be leaving in an ambulance.

BurpingFrog Thu 11-Jul-19 19:50:33

I have been in a similar situation to you and I left when I was pregnant.

I lodged with a landlady as I too couldn't have paid a deposit for rent.

If you'd have to leave your job anyway, do you have family you could move in with?

Another thing you could do, and you are absolutely a worthy candidate, is to go to a refuge. Women's Aid would have details of what is local, or you could contact the refuge directly (please be careful, don't leave traces of what you've been looking up etc). From the safety of the refuge or a friend's/family member's place, you could look into your eligibility for social housing for which I think rent is often paid week by week with no deposit.

The main thing is to get out now, before you are even more ground down. flowers

Calvinlookingforhobbs Thu 11-Jul-19 19:51:14

You always have option. Trust me you do. Things will not improve if you stay. Please please tell someone in real life about this and get out now.

BestestBrownies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:52:26

I'm going to presume you are the Nanny/Cook/Housekeeper and he's the Gardener/Handyman/Driver on an estate or similar.

I also work in this area and have stood in your shoes.

In this situation, DO NOT tell your employer. Particularly if your H has worked for them longer than you and wears a very convincing mask. They WILL side with/tell him and you could be put in serious danger.

Contact recruitment agencies on the sly and get them proactively finding you a new position. I would strongly recommend a job abroad. The pay is often better and you'll be well out of his reach. He'll have moved on to his next victim by the time you slip back to the UK under his radar 6 months later.

As pp have said, start making your plans to leave. Photocopy all your important documents and hide the originals (or better yet give to a trusted friend or family member for safekeeping), photocopy his payslips/work contract etc for divorce evidence, and start putting away savings in a secret bank account. Move your treasured belongings to your parents/siblings/good friend if you can.

You can do this OP.

Crucially, do not under any circumstances let him suspect you are leaving him. Just disappear one day to live your fabulous new life free of the threat of violence.

Future you will thank you for being brave and taking that leap now.

2toe Thu 11-Jul-19 19:52:39

As he’s out most nights you have opportunity, pack a bag, get your documents and just walk out. You say you have been distanced from friends but if any person, no matter how long it has been since I’d seen them, turned up at my door and explained the situation I would take them in until they got something sorted. You can get another house, you can get another job, you can’t get another life. Get out now before you are seriously hurt or killed.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 11-Jul-19 19:52:56

Definitely apply for jobs on the sly. Register with your local housing association and start bidding on properties. Reduce your outgoings as low as possible so you can accelerate your saving. Are you paid a fair wage?

Do you have someone you trust outside the home? Can you confide in them? Even if you have their home to squirrel stuff away to.

chocpop Thu 11-Jul-19 19:54:24

Firstly, remember to delete your history on your phone, etc, in case he goes on and sees this thread. You don't want him any the wiser.

Everyone on this thread is right, you need to get out. Start applying for jobs tonight, anything will do. Try and get something lined up, even if it's minimum wage and terrible, at least you'll be in control of our own income and have something to rely on when you leave. Start compiling documents and keeping them in a safe place. Have you got any friends you could confide in... even one? Could they act as a safe keeper for some of your belongings while you're in the process of leaving? Do you have a joint bank account? Do you think you could do a food shop and lift money and 'pay' for it with that? And keep some for yourself to put into your savings without him noticing? I obviously don't want you to put yourself in any danger, so only do things like that if you're sure he won't notice.

When you're ready to go, wait until he's going to be out for a long time. I'd start 'tidying' the house now, aka getting your shit in order so when you go to pack and leave, everything that you care about/need is in one accessible place, and you can chuck it in bags and go out the door. Especially remember to take any sentimental items as he will likely destroy these when he realises you have left.

A lot of the women on this thread will have genuinely good advice, more so than me. Be safe and careful.

Mary1935 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:55:38

Hi I’m sorry you are going through this. He’s got you tied to him hasn’t he. Another bloody bully. He’s abusive. Do not tell him you will call the police if he hits you again. Thank god he’s out every night but he’s a selfish pig.
If he does assault you again I would call the police and get his arrested.
You do need to start telling others. I told a couple of friends, called women’s aid and told my GP so it was on record. Abuse thrives on secrecy - start talking and let others know.
My ex was the same - mr niceguy outside but a miserable bully at home.
I’m soooooo happy now - it’s took a while but really worth it.
Look after yourself - he will not change.🌺

managedmis Thu 11-Jul-19 19:56:22

Moonlight flit

JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:56:36

Thanks for all the responses. I’m very grateful. Our employers are good people but like most think that he’s a kind and sensitive man. He can put on a very good show for a long time. He’s been here longer than me and has a more senior position, there’s no question I’d have to leave and I know he’d make up that I was a terrible wife and that he was the injured party. He’s quite clever that way.

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

purplecorkheart Thu 11-Jul-19 19:57:12

I know it is scary but you need to leave. This is only going to get worse and worse. Please contact woman aid. If there are any major tourist city/towns nearby see of any hotels/b&bs are looking for staff and offer accomdation as part of the job. It might be a stop gap until you get back on your feet.

Coldemort Thu 11-Jul-19 19:58:07

3 years ago I was living with my abusive husband, on a military base. I hadn't worked for 4 years, the RAF gave me 3 months to get out of the house. I'd put this off for well over a year as I was so scared about what would happen.
What happened? I got a not much more than minimum wage job (19k for 40 hours) and a one bed flat. Short term I went into to debt. I had no furniture, no savings, I moved 200 miles to be closer to my family.
3 years on I'm on 30k, have bought shared ownership, have a brilliant relationship (not that that's the most important), and a new set if friends that I've mainly all met in the last 3 years.
I'm late 30's.
Please just do it. It really, really, bloody really isn't easy but I promise you you'll be so much happier.

howdyalikemenow Thu 11-Jul-19 19:58:08

Op. You absolutely can leave. Look on spareroom.com or similar. Get bar work, or cleaning work or register at a temp agency. Go and see your gp because they may be able to point you in the right direction and put you in touch with agencies. And contact the police regarding his assault.

You have no kids. It's hard but it's a lot harder with kids and there are absolutely practical things you can do right now. Wishing you luck

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:58:48

Do you have anyone who would come get you? Just take control and pick you up?

Speak to Women's Aid if nothing else.

xJodiex Thu 11-Jul-19 19:59:01

Please call women's aid, that's what I done, I was with someone similar and my life became an absolute living hell. My ex could have killed me and I had to involve the police. I wasted so many years and I am still working on my recovery now. The sooner you can leave, the better it will be. You can and will rebuild your life.

The most important things are your safety and freedom.

Posteni1 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:59:14

Nothing is worth more than your life or your safety. Leave. Everything else will sort itself out. Just leave.

CaptainJaneway62 Thu 11-Jul-19 20:00:39

IME it only gets worse.
You need an exit plan.
Do not tell him that you are leaving because men like this escalate really quickly to physical violence when they know their partner is going to leave.
You need to get out while you still can.

friskybivalves Thu 11-Jul-19 20:01:26

Could you apply for a live-in nanny job or similar? I do feel for you. Like other posters say, this will only get worse not better, and your energy will ebb away even more. At the moment you feel he has the whip hand and the power. I think if you felt you were driving the situation, you'd feel empowered again?

ChickenTikkaTellMeWhatsWrong Thu 11-Jul-19 20:01:38

Would you rather have nothing, but be free or have everything and be stuck and miserable?
It may seem scary, but keep thinking what your life could be like without that abuse, it's not too late to start again and I know in a few months or a years time, you may be coming on here to give someone else the same advice, and you will be so proud of what you've overcome flowers

TruJay Thu 11-Jul-19 20:01:59

This happened to my mum. Independent her whole life and married for the first time late 40s. Lovely guy, really nice - 3 weeks after the wedding, what an evil bastard! Violence (kicked her right in the chest at one point!) hid her things and moved stuff around the house so she thought she was going crazy, insults, ignoring her, isolating her from us kids and friends.
Financial, emotional and physical abuse - my mum is the most independent, fierce woman I’ve ever known and it was insane what he was turning her into. Within 18months the divorce was final.

GET OUT NOW!
‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to love with the psycho the rest of your life’

StrongTea Thu 11-Jul-19 20:02:37

Doesn’t matter what he says to folk. People aren’t daft and know there are always 2 sides to the story. If you can get some legal advice get it. If you have access to bank accounts take half of the balance. Good luck.

TruJay Thu 11-Jul-19 20:02:47

*live

xJodiex Thu 11-Jul-19 20:03:42

Oh gosh, you are NOT weak, you're very very strong, you reached out to us here, that's amazingly brave and strong and is the first step to freedom!

My ex was the same, charming, well-liked. He sounds like a typical narcissist. Richard Grannon has great videos on youtube explaining it all if you ever have time to look (maybe after you leave him). No one would have believed me either BUT women's aid did, anyone not connected with my ex DID believe. And I was so glad I reached out and got out. You will be too.

livinglavidavillanelle Thu 11-Jul-19 20:06:02

You're not strong enought to leave, YET. But you do need an exit plan as PP have said. Start saving as much money as you can. Get a second job if possible, or start applying for other ones. Far, far away. Copy all your documents, start getting those ducks in a row and prepare to find the strength to leave.
You deserve more, much more than this.

BestestBrownies Thu 11-Jul-19 20:06:17

Just take baby steps OP.

Start sorting through your stuff and making plans.

Don't wait for him to give you a life-changing injury before you take action.

girlinabluedressagain Thu 11-Jul-19 20:07:46

It is easier to leave without kids. You don't have to worry about how you can train/ attend interviews without childcare, you don't have to worry about if you can afford childcare whilst you work, you don't have to worry about never being able to go out or make friends as you can't afford childcare, you don't have to worry about earning enough to keep the kids, you don't have to worry about losing custody, you don't have to worry about him being permanently in your life. It may be scary, because he has made you feel dependent and afraid, but you really are in a good position to start over. It won't be easy but it will be doable and it is definitely better than the alternative. All the strength you will ever need is already inside you - reach deep and find it.

Bellasblankexpression Thu 11-Jul-19 20:08:26

Please leave Op. I know it’s scary but it’s going to get a lot scarier.
Is this the first time he’s assaulted you?
At the very least please call women’s aid.
Yes this is hard and yes it’s going to turn your life upside down but staying is going to be so much worse. If he’s a monster now after six months what state do you think you’re going to be in after six years?

NotStayingIn Thu 11-Jul-19 20:08:51

You’ve posted about this before. Everyone told you to leave. You have two choices: leave or have a shit life. I’m sorry but I’m at the point now where I don’t understand the problem. You don’t have kids, you are in quite a good position. You were told last time to start job hunting and saving, have you done anything? Even if you need to rent a room in a shit hole and build your life up again, get your shit together and do it. Or, do nothing, and post about this again in a few months. It’s like you want to be a victim. You actually aren’t stuck in a bad place, you just want to believe you are. Sorry to be harsh, but literally you need to get a fucking life!!!!

Remoteisland Thu 11-Jul-19 20:09:54

You really are much much better off than if you had children. I’m not saying that to turn it into a competition. I’m saying it to press the point home that, if you decide to stay and end up having children with him, please believe everyone that says it will be considerably harder to get out then. No matter how hard you think it will be now, you are better off doing it now anyway, if that is what you know is the right thing to do.

Jellybeansincognito Thu 11-Jul-19 20:10:06

Jobs are replaceable, houses are replaceable. Your self esteem isn’t replaceable, your life isn’t replaceable.

Things will be ok, it may be shit first, but it will be okay.
Get your things packed and get out of there, you’ll look back at first but in the future you’ll regret you didn’t leave sooner.

Best wishes xx

81Byerley Thu 11-Jul-19 20:10:23

Please leave.

Nothingmuch Thu 11-Jul-19 20:10:39

You must leave. Go to your parents, a friend, women’s aid. Anywhere but just get out. He’s driving you out, can’t you see that ? I bet he won’t come looking for you.

I walked out of my marriage once, and it’s really easier than you think. You can find employment and friends or family will take you in. You’ve only been married four years, so do it now before it gets worse. Things will get better I promise.

managedmis Thu 11-Jul-19 20:11:27

It’s so bloody scary, I don’t feel strong enough to leave and start again. Sorry to sound so weak.

^

Imagine if tomorrow morning you packed your stuff, left and got a train to another city. Found a place to rent. Found a job.

This life would be gone. And it'd only be yesterday.

I can guarantee he wouldn't give a shit for more tha than two minutes.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Thu 11-Jul-19 20:11:29

A pp upthread has a good point- is he a gamekeeper? Does he have access to a firearm? If he does, you need to get away now.

Rachelover40 Thu 11-Jul-19 20:12:00

Take legal advice immediately so you can work out a plan. He certainly is a monster.
flowers

louloured Thu 11-Jul-19 20:12:06

hello oh lovely I feel so sad for you what a nasty bully he is .please don't think that you don't have a choice because you do ,though it's scary starting over it's a better life for you than been with a bully and a violent one it will get much worse .have you spoken to dvap?they a great help and will help you all the way ,seek.legal advice and contact the police and record everything .have you a video or audio recorder on your mobile to record what he says ?please don't be afraid once you're away from him and feel stronger your life is your own and you'll be free xxxxx

managedmis Thu 11-Jul-19 20:12:59

If you have separate finances and no kids you have a hell of a lot more than a lot of women who have left.

Just go.

werideatdawn Thu 11-Jul-19 20:16:12

Then stay..but be prepared for him to get worse. You are currently in an excellent position to leave. No kids, separate finances and some savings. Who cares what he tells other people.
Just leave. It really is that simple for you.

CrotchetyQuaver Thu 11-Jul-19 20:16:22

Do it, accept you'll need to find a new job and home. It'll be worth it in the long run. That's no way to live as you know. Short term pain for long term gain if ever there was.
Try getting back in touch with those old friends of yours, they may well be absolutely delighted to hear from you and able to help you start over again if you share your circumstances with them. Best of luck. thanks

DistanceCall Thu 11-Jul-19 20:17:12

If you'll stay he'll kill your spirit, or just kill you literally.

You need to leave, and you know it. It's harder in your mind than it will actually be.

Do you have anyone who can help you? If not, talk to Women's Aid.

YouDancin Thu 11-Jul-19 20:17:14

He's already assaulted you. It's going to get worse as he thinks he's invincible.
Please, for your own safety just leave.
It is a MASSIVE step, needs lots of bravery but plan your day. Find a new place to stay, get a new job, any job to start with.
Then take a day off sick when you know he'll be home late and MOVE. Just go. Get someone you trust to help you move if you can.
Look after yourself. Life can be so much better than this.

Also, it might be worth talking to your local police as he has been violent to you once. If it is on record, even with nothing done, if he does escalate and you call them, them may come quicker and treat it more seriously.
good luck.

DistanceCall Thu 11-Jul-19 20:17:49

And please, for the love of God, Don't. Get. Pregnant.

Tigger001 Thu 11-Jul-19 20:18:14

I think it's best you just pick one of the 5 nights he is out and just leave.

My mum did it with the clothes on her back and was a lot happier after, she was in a little flat until she could get housed and I then moved in with her.

Kids or no kids it's horrible and you don't have to live like that, no one has the right to put their hands on you.

Do you have a brother or sister?

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