PILs

[NCwhatevs]

NC for this

DH’s brother had an affair & left DSIL for his mistress a while back, they are now divorcing. BIL is now shacked up with his mistress. We do not have good relationship with him and he is openly hostile via messages to DH who has kindly tried to keep in touch generally without being positive about his choices, as frankly they have been poor. We are not at this point at all interested in meeting with him and especially not with the OW and therefore certainly didn’t envision DD to do so either.

We have not discussed with our DD why we don’t see her uncle these days because she is young enough (7) to not talk about it specifically.

Today however, after having DD overnight during Easter break (at their request) on the way home, PIL (who have welcomed the mistress already) chose to take DD to BIL’s mistress’s home where she saw BIL for the first time in a long time and met the mistress properly for the very first time.

This was done without us being consulted or present and without context for her as she didn’t know about her uncle and a new partner.

We found out as soon as dd was home as DD spilled all the beans about meeting the OW.

She knows her auntie and uncle are living apart but not any reason why.

We had a massive argument with PILs tonight as we felt they overstepped massively by taking her there and acted completely inappropriately without consulting us as we would definitely have not done that ourselves and are incredibly shocked they chose to do this. It was not their call to make.

They were incredibly hurt by us calling them out on this & we have had a massive argument with them this evening. They have been told from both of us- this is unacceptable - DH has said that he will explain the situation with BIL and the mistress to DD tomorrow in a context she can understand but they have forced us into having to have this conversation with her and we are both so angry.

MiL was unfortunately mean about DSIL tonight who has done nothing and was in no way the cause of the split, and then tried to deflect all their actions today on supporting their other son and instead of taking any culpability in making the introduction to the mistress, told me what a terrible DIL I’ve been to her and how she’s “always wanted a closer relationship” and how hurt she is I never invite her to do things.

Anyway this is a tangent. She was deflecting and trying to place blame elsewhere from herself. I think they knew they messed up.

AIBU - surely not? I don’t feel like I’m overreacting. They should not have taken it into their own hands and held a meeting with her uncle and an introduction to their uncle’s mistress without our knowledge. The other stuff I can ignore from MIL as it was a baseless attack.

She’s sent me a conciliatory text earlier. I haven’t responded as of yet.

[Alicewond]

Wait your child’s grandparents whilst babysitting went to visit their son?? YABU, his new or old relationship is not your business. He is her uncle and your partners brother. Even if you support and like your BILs ex it’s not his new GFs fault, or his parents. You can’t control this op, it won’t harm your child meeting a new girlfriend

[Alicewond]

And op please stop calling her the mistress, they are in a relationship now. You seem very disapproving because you liked his ex, but it’s not your life

[NCwhatevs]

He’s still married, they are shacked up, she’s definitely the mistress? Perhaps when the divorce is final I will be able to find other words for her?? 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Homemadearmy]

I think you're being unreasonable too, and you've blown it out of proportion and made it a massive deal. Not sure why your DH needs to explain things to your dd tomorrow. Surely just a accepting that hes got a new partner is enough. I would downplay it

[Alicewond]

@NCwhatevs if you continue to speak of her like you do then by the time the divorce is final you’ll have no relationship left with any of his family. He’s broken up, he has a new relationship, he’s happy. Accept that or don’t. His parents are trying to accept what has happened. It seems only you are reluctant to forgive him for wanting to be happy in a new relationship

[pinkboa]

Well then...

YABU!

[Nearlythere1]

ahh the judgemental mumsnetters are out in force tonight. As if the OP isn't allowed to feel hurt and call the mistress by whatever name she wants. Why do you all act as if the second something becomes a reality that people should be instantly capable of accepting it and having no judgement? It's fucking pathetic. I'm assuming you've all bee mistresses yourselves.

OP, for what it's worth, I agree with you. I'd be livid too. Your daughter doesn't have the understanding of the situation, nor the capacity to, and quite frankly why would you want her let in on the whole sorry sordid affair, and being unwittingly made to help the mistress feel ingratiated into her new family? Good for you for having loyalty to your sister in law.

[GeorgiaGirl52]

IMO YANBU. You have a moral code that does not include condoning adultery. You have the right to raise your DD with that code. Your PIL should not have taken your DD into this situation without your knowledge and consent. What your PIL choose to accept and do is their business but your child is yours to raise.
I realize that morality (like religious beliefs) is an old-fashioned concept and generally rejected but it does still exist. Good for you and your DH is taking a stand.

[Horsemenoftheaclopalypse]

I think you are projecting your judgement on BILs choices onto the situation.
The reality is your daughter probably doesn’t care

That said I don’t think yabu because the PILs didn’t “accidentally” drive past they did it consciously and also consciously decided not to tell you because they knew you rightly or wrongly disapproved

[Rafabella8]

OP @NCwhatevs - @Nearlythere1 and @GeorgiaGirl52 are both absolutely and utterly correct.

[Alicewond]

@Nearlythere1 never been a mistress

Do you then think a person should remain with another person when they no longer love them, or against their wishes just to keep family happy? Genuinely curious?

[NoSauce]

Pack it in with mistress shit. She’s the OW.
You’re definitely projecting your distaste for what BIL has done here. Unless you specifically said to PILs that they mustn’t take DD there then yabu.

[Aquamarine1029]

I think you're making far too much about "explaining" this to your daughter. She doesn't need to know ANY details. Saying your BIL and his wife have decided to go their own way is all she needs to know.

[Nearlythere1]

@alicewond as if you have any idea what went on in their marriage. The OP does. She's stated that the brother in law has gone about it all very badly. And no doubt if it was the ex wife writing a post about being left you'd have a different opinion to this one.

[NCwhatevs]

PILs know we are NC with BIL so it was extremely unexpected contact for DD to have.

[lboogy]

You are being massively unreasonable. Your judgment of your bil should not affect your child's relationship with her uncle.

My goodness! You want your bil's patents fo cast him aside for an affair that has nothing to do with you neither has it impacted you.

You're unbelievable

[Nearlythere1]

@NoSauce, the same could be said for "other woman," or the stupid acronym. By your reasoning, lets pack that in too. She's the new girlfriend, or shall we call her sister-in-law-to-be, or auntie-in-waiting to the daughter?

[Nearlythere1]

@Iboogy last I checked uncles don't have any rights to a relationship with nieces and nephews. His own brother made the decision to go minimal contact. His brother, the OP's husband, the daughter's parents .. ergo... if i have to spell it out ... her parents, the only ones who have any say in who their daughter has a relationship with.

[lboogy]

Why have you no contact with the BIL? What did he do to you specifically?

[Nearlythere1]

If a parent's judgement shouldn't have any bearing on their children's relationships then will somebody fucking explain to me who should? Utterly moronic statement @Iboogy

[lboogy]

@Nearlythere1 thanks. As a parent you've enlightened me since I had no clue only parents get to decide who their child sees

[NoSauce]

As BIL is still married OW is correct. I can’t see the OP using the term new girlfriend can you?

[Alicewond]

@Nearlythere1 I wouldn’t. Because the reasons for ending a relationship aren’t relevant, they are always complex but the fact is the end point is that the relationship is over, no matter who is hurt. Even if he caused the hurt he’s not a criminal for not loving someone anymore, or loving someone else, BIL has moved on, OP needs to as well. Or are you demanding people can’t fall out of love, or love someone else else? Is it once said can never be taken back?

[Alicewond]

OP do you want to teach your child to remain in a relationship even if she is unhappy? Or that you would support her regardless of the reason if she chooses to leave? Just tell her uncle has a new girlfriend

[TwinMummy1510]

I think the key thing here is that it's your choice about who your DD sees; she's only 7 and as parents you have the right to decide.

Regardless of whether you are being unreasonable or not in having NC with the brother, it's your decision to make. I think it's utterly outrageous that the PIL decided to take it into their own hands. They clearly know you wouldn't have wanted DD to go there and they've made a conscious decision to disregard your parenting decision. For me, that's a major breach of trust and I wouldn't let that go easily. I think you're right to be very angry indeed.