To consider polyamory?

[sweetbutpycho]

Has anyone switched from monogamy? We already have in the sense of threesomes and so forth (I'm bisexual) so are we effectively already that way inclined? We have been together 10 years and have done all sorts of weird and beautiful things together plus come through some real shitty times stronger than ever. I would say I become emotionally attached very easily and since coming of hormonal contraception, my sex drive is finally back (albeit stronger than ever!) and I am now more on par with my husbands.... not that sex is what's important here.

Anyway, any thoughts from those who have made this jump? Or know of people who have? All I know is that I am definitely capable of loving more than one - DH has already pointed this out and vocalised what I've been thinking all along.

My faith makes things difficult however, from extensive research I am coming around to the idea. Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have and are definitely not 'away with the fairies', this is a general consideration to some degree.

[sweetbutpycho]

Anyone

[KC225]

Attention seeking in my opinion. If you feel you can live more than one and it doesn't have to be your husband maybe consider a pet.

[alliejay81]

What do you want op? I don't get s sense of this from what you are posting?

[aprilanne]

Really sorry but if u have faith then foresaking all others is a part of your marriage vows .I think this would really complicate your marriage and a big fat no way if you have children

[user1471517900]

If you and your husband want it then go for it. If not then don't.

[TeaForTheWin]

I think it's one of those ideas that always sounds more feasible in theory than it actually is in practice.

[Pinkyyy]

I absolutely hate this 'polyamory' business. I think it's utterly ridiculous.

[Klopptimist]

May I be so bold as to ask whose idea this was initially? It's just that you mention 'I am coming around to the idea' and 'DH has already pointed this out'. This makes me wonder whether it's something you're being talked into.

Apologies if I've got the wrong end of the stick, this comes from a place of concern, not spite. Admittedly, I know sweet FA about this subject but I think any fool would know that this is something you need to be certain about. I believe there are a couple of polys around here though and whilst I know this isn't exclusively a sex thing, you might get a better response on that board.

[Skyzalimit]

I know several people who have made it work. It takes honesty and compassion and compromise, and crucially everyone needs to agree they want it- but for many it works well.

[LeesPostersAreInFrames]

Probably the wrong forum for this to be answered by people with personal experience.

I have several friends who are. In the honesty that a fairly anonymous forum lends, I think that while I respect anybody's right to be in whatever type of relationship(s) is right for them as long as it's consensual, all the people I know who are into poly have an unhealthy relationship with sex and use poly to bypass their problems with relationships. I'm not saying it's impossible to be healthily poly, I believe it is and have considered it myself, and lord knows monogamous people have "ishoos" too. One to consider and communicate about fully.

[maras2]

not that sex is important here?
What's the point then?

[sweetbutpycho]

Attention seeking? Really? If you say so.

Also, I'd be interested to know how living an alternative lifestyle is a big no no when children are involved? This makes no sense to me sorry

Thank you to those with the helpful responses! I understand this is niche and therefore, difficult to answer.

[sweetbutpycho]

Maras2 it is not just about sex. If you read my OP, you'll understand when I mention love.

[sweetbutpycho]

And no, DH most definitely didn't sway me. We've always sort of been that way inclined to some degree.

[aprilanne]

Sorry but this is a bit more than an alternative lifestyle .if you think that say 3 adults all living under one roof basically sharing each other is a lifestyle you would wish children to think is normal then sorry it's not .two adults yes be that two different sex or same it's fine you could explain that to children but what you are thinking sorry but that's far removed from normal

[sweetbutpycho]

@aprilanne but no one said about living together?

[Crabbyandproudofit]

How do you see this being different to the threesomes you have already 'enjoyed'? Are you thinking you want to include someone else (or more then one person) permanently in your relationship? Or are you (or your DH) simply acknowledging that you want to possibly have relationships with other people, if you meet someone you are attracted to?

I don't have personal experience of this and honestly think I would find it difficult. I occasionally meet someone and think they are attractive but I'm too jealous to be able to share my partner. I have friends who are polyamorous but not into group sex, they both date more than one person. So far it seems to work for them, although other friends think if they met "the right person" then they wouldn't need/want anyone else.

[aprilanne]

What would happen say you fell in love with said other person .that would probably be devastating for all involved especially you .

[TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup]

I think if you've already been exploring in terms of extra sexual partners then you're already dealing with any issues of jealousy that could crop up.

Being open to loving more than one person is hardly attention seeking, she isn't taking out a full-page ad declaring Mr and Mrs Sweetbutpycho are now open for new lovers

Mr TheMobile and I are sort of polyamorous/open marriage. It works well and I'd probably have figured out my preferences a lot sooner if I'd known it was a thing rather than cheating on boyfriends and suppressing my bisexuality. But monogamy is the "gold standard", can't have folk loving more than one person forever and ever now, that would be mayhem!

Honest, open, communication and consent. Do what makes you happy.

[EmeraldShamrock]

It wouldn't be for me.
For you. if you really want to try it once see how it goes, see how your DH reacts.
You both have invited others into your sex life before without it causing animosity.
Lots of couple's enjoy thinking of their partner with another, would you have to tell DH all the details for his satisfaction, it sounds very tiring to me.
Each to their own.

[FamilyOfAliens]

Please make no mistake, we are a professional couple who have worked for all we have

[Bleary3000]

Mumsnet isnt a polyfriendly place OP, misunderstandings about it abound, but we're out here!

Really, it's between you and your husband so if you're both happy, go for it. Personally, i and my husband felt a deeper level of intimacy and trust after making the jump. We havent been that active, i briefly had a boyfriend and he struck up an intense friendship with a girl that didnt get sexual in the end. He still talks to her and i split with my bf and it was nice to have a comforting husband to help with that

I think ppl think poly is going to be like living in a hippy orgy all day long but thats not really it.

[PissOffPeppa]

You won’t get a very sympathetic reaction in AIBU. Maybe other boards might be more balanced- the sex one perhaps.

You don’t need the input of other people. It’s a choice between you, your husband and any other additional partners. Only you and the others involved can decide if it’s right for you.

This stood out for me though- I would say I become emotionally attached very easily I think you’d need quite a tough skin to go down this route and if you get overly attached you might find it difficult. How would you feel if, say, a third person got involved and you became attached to them but they were only interested in a short fling to explore their curiosity? Or if you became attached and then they became involved in a monogamous relationship? Or if your husband becomes very attached to another woman (or man)?

You mention your faith too. Is this something you’re going to struggle to come to turns with? What takes priority in your life- your faith or your desires?

These are not judgmental questions from me. But from what you’ve said, I’m not sure how you’d handle the reality of polyamory against the fantasy you’ve built up.

[FamilyOfAliens]

I think ppl think poly is going to be like living in a hippy orgy all day long but thats not really it.

Actually if you read the many previous threads about this, you’ll find that most people think it’s self-indulgent bullshit.

[TheYoungOffendersMum]

It's not everyone's cup of tea but I have many friends in alternative relationships. There are all kinds of variations to the traditional couple.

Some people can feel genuine love for more than one person at a time. It's not a bad thing, it's not a flaw. It's quite lovely. Unless you are in a monogamous relationship and you put yourself in a position to fall for someone else.

I've known/ met the kind of people who are loud about it like militant vegans are about being vegan. The ones who inwardly you're telling to STFU because you don't care as long as it makes them happy.

But I've several friends who don't make a song and dance about things and they have the strongest, longest lasting lives together compared to many monogamous people/people I know it have known who enter monogamous relationships.

Trust and respect and an outline of your personal rules as a couple is important. And it's important to check in regularly to make sure all parties are happy with things. Without these considerations and things put into place, going down the polyam route can cause friction or separation.

If you're ready, go for it. I had a friend who was married to their 'primary' partner, and his secondary partner who was monogamous with him also lived under the same roof. He has a child with his secondary partner. And his wife dated someone else. It worked for them. He and his wife did divorce years later but many traditional couples do, too. Things happen. He's still happily with his other partner.