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DP asking me to not go on night out

(136 Posts)
dodies Fri 22-Mar-19 09:08:26

I have a very close work team as there's not many of us. I've only been out with them twice this year so far, but I've never really been out before starting work with them and I'm really enjoying having that bit of life to myself after being a SAHM.
So I've been out with them twice this year and then when DM has had DS, have had about four/five 'date nights' with DP so far (including spending time together every night after DS goes to bed).
We all arranged to go out next weekend. Our team is predominantly males, and it's usually just me and another girl on nights out. She's actually away next weekend but there's a good few still going out.
Since hearing that there's most likely no other women going out, he's started asking me 'nicely' not to go. Trying to guilt me by saying that I never spend time with him and always prioritise going out with 'randomers'. He even said that he didn't trust me (and then backtracked).

AIBU to still go out of principle? To me, it wouldn't even cross his mind that he wanted time with me and I was prioritising work friends if it was just me and a female colleague.
I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable though!

ZippyBungleandGeorge Fri 22-Mar-19 09:11:03

His attitude would make me want to spend less time with him not more. Tell him to piss off

Teaonthebedsheets Fri 22-Mar-19 09:11:11

I would go, he's being quite controlling. Keep an eye on that. Once or twice my husband has been funny about me going out but I pointed out that having a social life is important to me and I didn't like being made to feel guilty about that. He still grumbled a bit but agreed that it's perfectly reasonable to want to go out with friends or colleagues.

BitchQueen90 Fri 22-Mar-19 09:12:03

YANBU. Go out.

StealthPolarBear Fri 22-Mar-19 09:12:19

He ibvu. But you do sound like you have loads of nights out, I am jealous!

dodies Fri 22-Mar-19 09:13:45

@StealthPolarBear our 'date nights' are usually nights in but we're very lucky that my DM has DS every other weekend usually! smile

cstaff Fri 22-Mar-19 09:14:09

Sounds like he is very jealous of you hanging out with male colleagues. YANBU - go and enjoy your night out. Does he have work nights out - if he does then he has no argument.

StealthPolarBear Fri 22-Mar-19 09:15:54

Ah slightly less jealous now smile

FriarTuck Fri 22-Mar-19 09:16:44

I'd guess that it's not that he doesn't trust you but he doesn't trust the other men (who presumably he doesn't know or doesn't know well) particularly when it's all of them and just one woman. YANBU to go but he's not unreasonable to be dubious about a group of presumably youngish men under the influence of alcohol - after all, he's been there. Just be reassuring - it doesn't hurt to acknowledge someone else' feelings even if you disagree with them.

GabriellaMontez Fri 22-Mar-19 09:17:04

Does he have work nights?
How many times have you been out with him this year?

Hotterthanahotthing Fri 22-Mar-19 09:17:11

So next time your DD is at your mums ask you should to arrange something special for you both,if it is really needing to spend time with you and not his insecurity.

BadBear Fri 22-Mar-19 09:23:39

If you didn't spend enough time with him and it was an issue for him, then he should bring it up but in a a way that doesn't guilt trip you.

The trust thing is another thing. You might be in a room full of men day and night and not cheat. I don't like jumping on the 'he's controlling wagon' too quickly. Some people are really bad at explaining what worries them and end up saying all the wrong things.

Why does he not trust you? Is he insecure? Has any of your past behaviour made him not to? Yes, in an ideal world he should bring it up in a mature way and discuss it with you but we don't live in an ideal world and relationships need a bit of work now and then. Address it with him and talk it out, if that doesn't work then you should perhaps start thinking about whether you should be with him.

Bluntness100 Fri 22-Mar-19 09:26:10

You need to go, his behaviour is controlling and jealous. Don't let that start as it's a slippy slope. So go.

Treaclesweet Fri 22-Mar-19 09:28:14

Definitely go. It sounds to me like he is jealous of. you having a life without him, which is quite worrying imo.

BlueMerchant Fri 22-Mar-19 09:28:34

Being totally honest and holding my hands up to my insecurities I have to admit I wouldn't like it if my OH was going out with a group of women from his office who I didn't really know.

TwoRoundabouts Fri 22-Mar-19 09:28:55

He's being extremely unreasonable.

You work with them so if you wanted to cheat with any of them you have lots of chances at work.

You do realise if the guys are young and misbehave you will be like their surrogate sister/mother for the night.

Geminijes Fri 22-Mar-19 09:29:19

How would you feel if he wanted to go out with his friends from work and there would only be woman, no men? If you would be OK with that then go out next week-end.

Ribbonsonabox Fri 22-Mar-19 09:30:52

YANBU I'd go just to prove a point and I'd turn my phone off until I was coming home.

dartitus Fri 22-Mar-19 09:31:17

“Being totally honest and holding my hands up to my insecurities I have to admit I wouldn't like it if my OH was going out with a group of women from his office who I didn't really know.”

Completely agree.

Ribbonsonabox Fri 22-Mar-19 09:32:28

And my husband works with 99% women so whenever theres a leaving do or birthday night out it's usually all women.... this happens in industries/professions sometimes. I have absolutely no problem with it, it's not his fault there arent many Male nurses!

Piffle11 Fri 22-Mar-19 09:32:33

You must go. I had this with an ex: started getting upset about me going on a night out. It was 'because I love you so much and think you're too good for me … I'm scared you'll meet someone else.' So daft arse than I am, I thought 'oh isn't he so sensitive!' and stayed home. So then every night out he tried it again, and when I still went out he wouldn't talk to me. I know my experience is more intense than yours, but that was how my exDP's controlling behaviour started to manifest. Nip it in the bud and do your thing: his trust issues aren't for you to solve.

SparkiePolastri Fri 22-Mar-19 09:35:56

Bottom line:

There is nothing more appealing / attractive than a man who kisses you goodbye and wishes you a good night out.

That is a decent, good quality, confident man.

Do not accept anything less.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 22-Mar-19 09:40:48

I'd go. I work with a lot of men and often am the only female on nights out, to be honest I don't even notice sometimes until someone points it out. And they are my colleagues - no one has ever tried it on, as they are professional, and they know I'm married. It's important that you get on with your colleagues and participate on team nights out etc I think. If he is worried you could always invite him along one time? Or have a team thing at your house like a bbq in the summer for partners as well. Once he realises they are normal and you have nothing to hide hopefully he'll be fine and if not, it's his issue

AdoreTheBeach Fri 22-Mar-19 09:40:54

My DH wouldn’t have an issue nor would I if it were the odd occasion and not morphing into something regular that would then take away from our time together or family time. I do, however, have an issue with work gatherings on the weekend. Mid-week, no issue but weekends in my opinion (and DH shares this) are for family and friends,

JaneEyre07 Fri 22-Mar-19 09:42:50

So basically he's saying that he doesn't trust you.

Has he got reason not to?

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