Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

[Badidas5]

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

[Badidas5]

? I'm still on maternity leave but going back to work and he's going in to nursery in end of August.

Don't know what to do...

[Fiveredbricks]

He wants contact he can bloody travel. Why are you doing all the leg work?

[user1498854363]

Op, I wouldn’t be changing ds routine. At 5minths ds doesn’t need the disruption and ex should be coming to him to see him. Mid week visits are necessary.

Ex needs to understand contact is to suit ds not him. He wants a child he has to make changes.

[user1493413286]

No don’t change his routine! If he wants to see him then he either needs to fit around his routine or change his working hours.
I know it’s not the same but my DH gets home from work after DD has gone to bed (7.30) and it’s never occurred to us to change her routine just so he can see her

[FascinatingCarrot]

He is still emotionally abusing you using your child. Let this carry on and you may as well not have left. Do whats best for you and your child. He wants to see him? Crack on Daddy, make the effort.

[user1498854363]

Months, and mid week visits are NOT necessary

[RagingWhoreBag]

No, your ex needs to work around what is best for your son. That isn’t spending two hours sat in the car and being kept up past his bedtime.

I’m not usually one for making things difficult, but as your son is so young, your ex should be the one visiting and it should be around timings which work for the child. If that means weekends only, so be it.

[Middlrm]

You shouldn’t have to do the keg work or not all of it ... and if he wants longer maybe one Saturday or Sunday every other weehe. He comes to you ? Or netural ground x

[Onceuponacheesecake]

Your son is 5 months old, this is not in his best interests and I agree with you OP.

[LordVoldetort]

Nah, I wouldn’t be changing a routine, especially if it works.

Why are you doing all the ferrying? I would be telling your EX that he needs to come to you for mid week contact especially when you go back to work/nursery

[YouSayPotatoesISayVodka]

Your ex needs to be travelling to you for contact at this age at least. Yes, babies are portable but not at that time of day- it’s winding down time.

[TORDEVAN]

Why are you driving a baby a 2 hour round trip to see him?! Let him come to you! Don't change the baby's routine - it's good for the baby and good for you.
Also consider, a 5 month old travels much better than a slightly older child e.g. 17 month old. My 17 month old gets agitated after too long in the car now (has done for about 8/9 months unless she's tired enough to sleep through the journey), and if my 17 Month old gets any sleep in the car between 5 and 7 then the 7:15 bedtime can be forgotten and so routine is ruined. So (to me at least) the current situation does not sound doable long term.

Did he move away or did you?

[RandomMess]

You just offer him contact in your home town...

Can't make it before 6pm it's tough he'll have to make do with weekends for now.

[LifeOfLimes]

As has already been said- he should be traveling to see his child.
Could he not then go through the bedtime routine and put baby to bed at yours? He gets to spend more time with him that way and hopefully it's better for you too.

[Badidas5]

He thinks I'm being difficult. He is the one that walked out on me whilst I was pregnant. I know that doesn't change things but he seems to think I'm doing this on purpose.

I'm asking this genuinely, AIBU to tell him that I'm not changing his routine every week even for a day so he can spend longer with him ? He will still see him just not for hours

[Zofloramummy]

He needs to travel.

You are not being unreasonable.

He is selfish and putting his needs before his sons.

[Zofloramummy]

Actually wants not needs.

Is he paying maintenance?

[altiara]

He’s 5 months old- you can try and change his routine all you like but he might still sleep then. The same way the 5am wakers don’t care what time you put them to bed!

[TriciaH87]

If he wants contact he travels not you with a baby. Also access should be when suits you.

[kingfisherblue33]

Wtf?f? The non resident parent travels to pick up the dc from the resident parent.

Why are you travelling and spending money on petrol?

Is your ex paying via CMS? If not, get I’m to.

He sounds like a right selfish dick.

Your ds is a baby. Your ex should be fitting in round ds’s routine.

[AnotherEmma]

"Why are you driving a baby a 2 hour round trip to see him?! Let him come to you! "

This. Get your priorities right. Stop trying to please an abuser and start prioritising your baby's needs.

Do the Freedom Programme, it will help you sort your head out and undo the damage he has clearly done.

[tenbob]

He should be the one travelling to you, to fit in with his routine

If you were still together, you wouldn’t be keeping the baby up if he worked late
Baby’s routine (and all other needs) come first
Adults (especially ones who walked out on babies) come a big second

[janetforpresident]

Yanbu and it will be years before your ds has a later bedtime so he needs to think about changing his work pattern, moving or sucking it up. Plenty of parents have the same problem.even if they live with their kids.

[Missingstreetlife]

Let him go too court. They will laugh.

[Santaclarita]

Go to court. They will wipe the floor with him.

He should be travelling. Stop travelling to him. The baby needs a routine and he can get over it. Stupid man.