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Ex wants me to screw with sleep pattern so he gets visitation?

(229 Posts)
Badidas5 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:27:01

Separated from ex whilst I was pregnant. I live about 50 minutes away from him now. He was abusive emotionally towards me and I left. We have a son together and he obviously wants to see his son. He never gets home from work before 5. My son is now in a routine (he's 5 months old) and is always asleep between 7 and 8. I'm trying to explain that this is the pattern Our son is in naturally, and I've tried explaining this. He's just reached a point where he does the same thing every night. It's beneficial for me and a pattern that suits both of us.

He wants me to change his whole pattern so he gets longer with him on a weekday. I've said no, it's not beneficial to our son. I'm already travelling almost an hour there and about hour back for a short period of time so he can see him.

I'm close to just saying no and only doing weekend contact. He wants 2 evenings on a weekday and it just doesn't work. I've changed my working hours drastically to suit my son's needs. Taken a significant pay decrease so I can be there to pick him up and take him to nursery every day. He just says 'I finish at 5 sorry' - that's it.

What am I to do? AIBU? Should I really consider changing my son's whole routine

Badidas5 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:28:32

? I'm still on maternity leave but going back to work and he's going in to nursery in end of August.

Don't know what to do...

Fiveredbricks Mon 04-Mar-19 21:28:50

He wants contact he can bloody travel. Why are you doing all the leg work?

user1498854363 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:30:49

Op, I wouldn’t be changing ds routine. At 5minths ds doesn’t need the disruption and ex should be coming to him to see him. Mid week visits are necessary.

Ex needs to understand contact is to suit ds not him. He wants a child he has to make changes.

user1493413286 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:31:05

No don’t change his routine! If he wants to see him then he either needs to fit around his routine or change his working hours.
I know it’s not the same but my DH gets home from work after DD has gone to bed (7.30) and it’s never occurred to us to change her routine just so he can see her

FascinatingCarrot Mon 04-Mar-19 21:31:20

He is still emotionally abusing you using your child. Let this carry on and you may as well not have left. Do whats best for you and your child. He wants to see him? Crack on Daddy, make the effort.

user1498854363 Mon 04-Mar-19 21:31:25

Months, and mid week visits are NOT necessary

RagingWhoreBag Mon 04-Mar-19 21:31:30

No, your ex needs to work around what is best for your son. That isn’t spending two hours sat in the car and being kept up past his bedtime.

I’m not usually one for making things difficult, but as your son is so young, your ex should be the one visiting and it should be around timings which work for the child. If that means weekends only, so be it.

Middlrm Mon 04-Mar-19 21:33:38

You shouldn’t have to do the keg work or not all of it ... and if he wants longer maybe one Saturday or Sunday every other weehe. He comes to you ? Or netural ground x

Onceuponacheesecake Mon 04-Mar-19 21:36:51

Your son is 5 months old, this is not in his best interests and I agree with you OP.

LordVoldetort Mon 04-Mar-19 21:36:57

Nah, I wouldn’t be changing a routine, especially if it works.

Why are you doing all the ferrying? I would be telling your EX that he needs to come to you for mid week contact especially when you go back to work/nursery

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka Mon 04-Mar-19 21:37:58

Your ex needs to be travelling to you for contact at this age at least. Yes, babies are portable but not at that time of day- it’s winding down time.

TORDEVAN Mon 04-Mar-19 21:38:11

Why are you driving a baby a 2 hour round trip to see him?! Let him come to you! Don't change the baby's routine - it's good for the baby and good for you.
Also consider, a 5 month old travels much better than a slightly older child e.g. 17 month old. My 17 month old gets agitated after too long in the car now (has done for about 8/9 months unless she's tired enough to sleep through the journey), and if my 17 Month old gets any sleep in the car between 5 and 7 then the 7:15 bedtime can be forgotten and so routine is ruined. So (to me at least) the current situation does not sound doable long term.

Did he move away or did you?

RandomMess Mon 04-Mar-19 21:40:47

You just offer him contact in your home town...

Can't make it before 6pm it's tough he'll have to make do with weekends for now.

LifeOfLimes Mon 04-Mar-19 21:57:53

As has already been said- he should be traveling to see his child.
Could he not then go through the bedtime routine and put baby to bed at yours? He gets to spend more time with him that way and hopefully it's better for you too.

Badidas5 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:01:32

He thinks I'm being difficult. He is the one that walked out on me whilst I was pregnant. I know that doesn't change things but he seems to think I'm doing this on purpose.

I'm asking this genuinely, AIBU to tell him that I'm not changing his routine every week even for a day so he can spend longer with him ? He will still see him just not for hours

Zofloramummy Mon 04-Mar-19 22:16:30

He needs to travel.

You are not being unreasonable.

He is selfish and putting his needs before his sons.

Zofloramummy Mon 04-Mar-19 22:16:53

Actually wants not needs.

Is he paying maintenance?

altiara Mon 04-Mar-19 22:19:07

He’s 5 months old- you can try and change his routine all you like but he might still sleep then. The same way the 5am wakers don’t care what time you put them to bed!

TriciaH87 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:20:14

If he wants contact he travels not you with a baby. Also access should be when suits you.

kingfisherblue33 Mon 04-Mar-19 22:24:37

Wtf?f? The non resident parent travels to pick up the dc from the resident parent.

Why are you travelling and spending money on petrol?

Is your ex paying via CMS? If not, get I’m to.

He sounds like a right selfish dick.

Your ds is a baby. Your ex should be fitting in round ds’s routine.

AnotherEmma Mon 04-Mar-19 22:27:59

"Why are you driving a baby a 2 hour round trip to see him?! Let him come to you! "

This. Get your priorities right. Stop trying to please an abuser and start prioritising your baby's needs.

Do the Freedom Programme, it will help you sort your head out and undo the damage he has clearly done.

tenbob Mon 04-Mar-19 22:30:22

He should be the one travelling to you, to fit in with his routine

If you were still together, you wouldn’t be keeping the baby up if he worked late
Baby’s routine (and all other needs) come first
Adults (especially ones who walked out on babies) come a big second

janetforpresident Mon 04-Mar-19 22:35:23

Yanbu and it will be years before your ds has a later bedtime so he needs to think about changing his work pattern, moving or sucking it up. Plenty of parents have the same problem.even if they live with their kids.

Missingstreetlife Mon 04-Mar-19 22:39:43

Let him go too court. They will laugh.

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