To think this is not a realistic solution to a problem.....

[reallythatsyoursolution]

Basically DSS has developed an issue with me. We had a good relationship for years, but as he approaches a teenager, he has begun to resent me. Blames me for stealing his dad. Thinks I pick on him. DSS is now refusing to visit our home. DH has been trying to make inroads to the situation, seeing DSS without me, but it's getting to the point where he doesn't feel he can parent him from a coffee shop. I've offered to stay away for a couple of weekends to give them time, but DH doesn't feel that's right and is giving in to his demands. DSS's mother has basically given DH an ultimatum either pick your wife or your son. Your son will never be happy as long as your married to her.....so if you want a relationship with your child you'll need to divorce her.,AIBU to think this is utterly nuts, cruel and heartbreaking. What am I meant to do from here?!

I get the impression her life is tough, but mine isn't exactly a walk in the park. From an outsider looking in we have a nice home, good career, from a supportive family/friends. She's told DSS, his dad is rich and they are poor. She has a history of being difficult but I've always practiced forgiveness. (Strong Christian background) So welcomed her back time and time again. But I'm not sure I can do that again, which really goes against my beliefs. I would never ever wish a marriage to fail, so that I could benefit.
DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants to see his son, but doesn't feel it's fair to only be on his terms.

Ex-wife out of order. Big time. No question she's fostered this in her son. Kids don't suddenly come out with that shit after years and years of being OK.

Your DH and you should carry on precisely as you have been. If the son decides not to visit then that's HIS choice.