Inlaws & sil issue

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

My sil (mid thirties) lives at home with my in laws and her 5yr old son. Nephew's dad didn't want anything to do with them once she found out she was pregnant so they dont see him at all. He asked her to have an abortion but she chose to continue with the pregnancy. Sil is pretty useless which means they do quite a big job in raising nephew (they cook, clean, look after him on inset days. Being retired means that they're always around to help sil.)

I completely understand that it's pil's prerogative to have whoever they like live with them but aibu to think it would be nice for mine and dp's kids to get to spend some time alone with the in laws?

If we plan a day out with them then they just turn up with sil and nephew. If we visit them then sil and nephew are there (obviously because they live there). Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

If we want to see the inlaws alone then we have to orchestrate an event to so we can do that (visit when we know for certain sil and nephew are out - which is v v rare, or if my dp is off work and nephew is at school). This has caused quite a bit of tension in the past between me and dp because it means we cant 'just pop in' to his inlaws house. If we do we get hounded to stay for ages so nephew can be entertained by our son or we have to listen to them rabbiting on about nephew.

My mil was as the birth of nephew and basically raises him as her own so i understand there will be some slight favouritism there but surely she must realise we don't want to hear about him at every available opportunity on the very occasional opportunities we get to see them on their own.

I think mil very much feels guilty that nephew doesn't see his dad so fills that by spoiling him with day trips etc. She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family. I just get irked that we can't have a normal grandparent and cousin relationship.

Am i really being unreasonable about this?

[YouSayPotatoesISayVodka]

She also tries to force a relationship between nephew and my 3yr old son because nephew doesn't have any other family

YABU about that- these boys are cousins and close in age it’s perfectly natural they would have some kind of relationship and it’s a shame it needs to be forced.

YANBU about your nephew’s spoilt behaviour regarding not sharing. But that isn’t his fault, it’s down to the adults around him. As your in-laws are doing most of the child rearing I think you’re going to have to treat them as you would any other parents of small children you know and assume the child will be involved unless it’s an adult only event.

[libellule1]

YABU. The kids are cousins. It is SIL and nephews house also.
If you want to have some time alone maybe could try taking MIL and PIL away for the weekend for a treat.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Yabu it IS his family home.
Why do they need to see Gp's on their own? Never understood that? The child does sound a bit spoiled but that's a different issue.

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

So it's unreasonable of me to want my children to have some alone time with their grandparents? Or, for my dh and his immediate family to have some time with his parents without sil and nephew always being there?

We did invite the inlaws away to try to get them by themselves..but they invited sil and nephew and we barely saw them all the entire holiday.

[Chickenwing]

YABU. The fact you want to exclude her and your nephew isn't nice.

[SmellsLikeAdultSpirit]

I think yabu
I understand you want grandparents to dote on your DC but lots of people don't get that for various reasons
I have friends whose parents continued to have kids and they are the same age as their dc
They just enjoy their set up
It is your nephews home and it is unpleasant how you speak about him
Make the most of what you've got instead of wanting a family set up you don't have

[Birdsgottafly]

They might have pledged their support during her pregnancy and they are fulling that.

Why didn't you see them all holiday, did you not want to do what they were doing?

She shouldn't have to force a relationship between the boys, they are Cousins.

Unless there is big discrepancies in gifts given etc then I don't think you can complain.

It is his home. He is probably becoming aware that other children don't live with their GPs and have Dads active in their life and is processing it all.

[poppycity]

I think the challenge when resentment builds is it does end up impacting cousin relationships. We had an odd dynamic on one side of my parents' family too. All resolved but I do remember it as a kid.

I would say it is his family home of course and yes as you realize there will be differences. But also imagine it from a child's prespective and it may make it easier to be understanding towards nephew.

I do understand though about wanting your dc to have a relationship more individually with grandparents too. Could you suggest that dc is interested in taking Granny and Grandad on a special outing to xyz just the three of them? Maybe build it up as how pleased you are that dc and nephew have such doting grandparents and this is something they can do together. For example mine went to see a holiday train exibit, something that's one off. Even just trying to find something they can do 3-4x a year alone may be nice and may help remind grandparents that they get lots of alone time with nephew and can do similar with your dc?

If that doesn't work maybe a grown up conversation. Affirm first - how lovely it is they are wonderful grandparents, how great it is that they are so involved with SIL and nephew and if your dc was ever in similar circumstances you'd want to help too. And then maybe share you'd like to find ways, in the circumstances you are all in, for them to also have an individual realtionship with your dc and ask for any suggestions? Maybe they may have a different expectation or something you haven't considered. For example a friend of my mum's is very involved with two of her dc as the DIL has some SEN and grew up in care and really struggles to know what to do with kids (also has depression). My Mum's friend's other two children had a good start and find parenting easier. She's mentioned to my Mum before that she really feels guilt sometimes but can feel spread too thin, so she doesn't see the other two sets of grandchildren as often and always feels like she's rushing and not enjoying them. There's a good chance your PIL feel similar. I've found often a gentle heart to heart without accusations but allowing for sharing, can get you far further than feeling feeling frustrated and letting it fester for years or more.

[SilverySurfer]

Yes, YABVU.

Apart from the fact that you obviously dislike your SiL, I'm not sure what the problem is.

Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house

Well he's not wrong is he as he lives there with his DM and GPs.

Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

Well they would be since it's his home and although it would be nice of him to share, many children won't.

Your resentment appears to stem from jealousy but would you really want to live with your in-laws? I wonder what your DH thinks?

[Birdsgottafly]

"Or, for my dh and his immediate family to have some time with his parents without sil and nephew always being there?"

Missed that bit. This is your PILs decision, so if they decide not, then you've got to accept that.

My guess would be that SIL struggles.

[CircleofWillis]

YABU. It is the nephew’s family home. Take a basket of your own child’s toys to his grandparent’s house and you can start the learning to share process from there. Otherwise for your nephew all sharing means is that his cousins gets to play with his toys and 3 year olds can really WRECK things.

You don’t sound attached to your nephew at all. Do you think it would be different if he was a nephew from your side of the family? I think it is great that they have this opportunity to form a close bond. Perhaps when you are all out together you can play with and occupy your nephew while your pils play with your son. That was you will be forming a bond which might make you resent him less while your child gets time alone with his grandparents.

Also I didn’t understand why you couldn’t take your son over while nephew is in school.

[MinisterforCheekyFuckery]

Nephew tells my 3 year old son that pil's house is 'his family's house' and nobody bats an eyelid. Nephew's toys are all over the house so my son inevitably wants to play with them, just for them to be snatched out his hands by nephew.

It is his home though. He lives there. Ok, your SIL should be doing something to address the snatching but it's perfectly reasonable for him to have his toys lying about in his own home.

What would you like your PIL to do? They can't ask your SIL and DN to make themselves scarce because you're coming to visit. As for the day trips, they probably feel a bit weird not inviting them along since they all live together and may have assumed that you want your DS to spend time with his cousin as they are close in age. They obviously don't realise how upset you are about the whole thing.

[HarrietSchulenberg]

I rarely saw any of my grandparents alone, partly for a similar issue with one set of GPs and, with the other set, because we all tended to visit at the same time (weekends).
They are GPS to both your nephew AND your SIL's child and I can't see much wrong with your DS sharing them. They need to make sure, however, that when your DS visits, they treat both children equally.

[SassitudeandSparkle]

I think you are being a little unrealistic in this case because the nephew lives there, OP. You do sound a bit jealous tbh. They are retired and spend their time raising a young boy who lives with them, they are bound to talk about him!

Do you actually tell them you want to see them on their own? Say out loud that you want to see them on their own? Or just hope that they will offer themselves?

[Drum2018]

Can you not just invite the grandparents over for an evening meal - they can have time with your child and then put him to bed and read him stories while you and Dh organise dinner. And then you and Dh get to have time to chat over dinner. Make it known that it's only for the parents and not an invite for sil and nephew too, as it would be past kids bedtime before dinner is served. You cannot change your in laws family set up at their house but you can still build on a relationship by having the PIL at your own house.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Op they live there, are you proposing to kick them out for a day so your son can have a day without them there?
You clearly don't like it approve of sil and how pil are helping her and you are holding a grudge against a little boy, not cool op.

[SimplyPut]

I don't think you are being completely unreasonable. You want your own husband and son to have a level playing field... one to one access to your in-laws just as your SIL does.
Sadly you will have to address this or it will continue . If you invited pil over you are not always inviting sil and nephew, be clear.
Days out don't always have to include sil or nephew either. Are you invited to every day trip they go on? Every meal etc with pil?

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

I understand that sil and nephew cant be expected to make themselves scare when we visit and as a result we don't go and visit inlaws very often at their house. Maybe every other month or so.

Also i understand that it is nephew's family home..unfortunately it's just a bit of a crappy situation because we don't get to have any 1 to 1 time with the inlaws. When sil and nephew are around the whole dynamic changes. We can't have a proper catch up because conversation is just child focused and because sil needs the help, they're preoccupied with sil and nephew.


I'm genuinely intrigued by these replies though. It's helping me get some perspective and allowing me to see it from a different point of view.

[trooth]

Of course his toys are there and he calls it his home. Because it is! He shouldn't snatch but that's an issue you can tactfully bring up - ask nephew to help teach your son about sharing or something.

I don't know why alone time with GP is such a big deal - unless nephew is favoured during your visits? You're one big family and before of living arrangements, this is the way it's going to be. It'll create bad feeling if you bring it up because it's unreasonable.

[explodingkitten]

Have you actually asked the GP to come alone for some bonding time?

[ltk]

Your SIl and nephew live with your ILs. You don't like her and don't like his behaviour, so you would like to see the ILs alone. Is that it?

Obviously that will be tough to arrange. You need to accept that SIL and nephew live there and will always be around. Learn to get along.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

You only see them every other month?
Of course your son is not going to have the same relationship with them then. Maybe you need to make more of an effort then.

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

@simplyput no, we're not invited on every day trip they have. We know this because mil shows us the photos of all of their day trips they go on.

Me and dp often discuss the idea of telling the inlaws that we want to see just them..but dp thinks it would annoy his parents so instead we have to orchestrate events when we know sil and nephew wont be around (,which is rare). Until they know we'd rather see just them, more often then things won't change. I just wanted to see whether i was being unreasonable, hence my post!

We invited (just them!) for a weekend away with us and they brought sil and nephew. We didn't see much of them over the weekend because sil had booked nephew into some kids club activities so they went along to those together. At the time we had a 14 month old so we went swimming and into the nearby town and beach.

[Hawkinsfirefly99]

@Cheeeeislifenow no, we go round pils house every other month but we meet up every 2-3 weeks at a cafe or a local country park.

I prefer to meet up out of the house.

[Cheeeeislifenow]

Ah I see, fair enough.