To not invite ex employees to a work Christmas meal?

[Star2015]

I work with a small team of people. The woman who did the job before me retired last year after 35 years in the job.

She made lots of promises to come in and help me during tricky times of the year, but didn’t. See finds it difficult to come in and see me at ‘her desk’ so I’ve been told, so has now resorted to texting my colleague to find out when I’ve gone if she wants to call into where we work. In addition, she’s organised meals get together with the staff throughout the year and I haven’t been asked (fair enough as I don’t really know her).

Last year the work Christmas meal had already been organised before she left so obviously cane along, as did 2 other ex employees.

This year it was in the back of my mind whatever we chose to do, we would set a trend and would have to continue with. To me it’s a works meal so didn’t quite get why staff who had left were there, but it wasn’t my choice last year.

This year however, I made the decision to only ask current staff (I’m the manager and therefore organise it - everyone pays for their own meal but I buy the first round of drinks).

The woman who used to do my job is now telling everyone she can (we both live and work in a small Village) how upset she is that she’s been uninvited and her and the other two are organising a separate meal. Today I had a call from someone I’m in contact with regularly at work to say this woman was telling an audience of people in church today, with tears in her eyes, how upset she was.

(Just some background, she’s a churchgoer and likes to make out she’s a goody two shoes, however, she constantly makes nasty remarks to people (last meal it was the waitress who she said was too fat to get around the tables!) and who invited me to her leaving do (held at our place of work) during my induction week, to then uninvite me on the day as it wasn’t right I was there!)

Was I unreasonable to only organise the work Christmas meal for current employees or should I have been note sensitive and asked everyone who attended last year?

[Cheesycheesytwist]

Hmm, tricky. If it was paid for by work then absolutely it should only be current staff if that's what you want....but if staff are expected to pay their own way I'm not so sure

[GivingBloodFeelingGreat]

You were definitely not unreasonable.

She sounds like a cow.

[greendale17]

YANBU- let her organise her own thing. She doesn’t work for your company anymore. Why on earth should she be invited to a work Christmas party?

[Baking101]

It's a work do so no, it's normal to only invite employees. She's not an employee. If she wants invited, she needs to work there. Otherwise she needs to grow up and not comment on people's weight like a bitch.

[Cheerbear23]

The woman is over invested seeing as she’s left. Just arrange it as you mean to go on, no doubt she’ll be bad mouthing you but it would be an odd dynamic with her there,

[GlitterPixie]

YANBU. I’ve never heard of ex staff presuming the are invited to work functions the entitlement of some people is staggering!!

[Maelstrop]

You are perfectly reasonable and she needs to get over herself and go out separately with her mate's, which it seems has been organized. Much as I liked my former colleagues, I wouldn't impose on their Christmas do, it's a bit weird! I'm seeing mates separately.

[Cherries101]

Is this your business? If I was the boss I’d be pissed off at you for ruining the business’ local reputation over a poxy christmas party.

[Hundredacrewoods]

In every job I've had, staff who were part of the team that year are invited but it doesn't go back further than that

[onechildortwo]

Same as hundredacrewoods, wherever I've worked ex-employees have been invited to the first christmas meal after they left but not after that.

She sounds very rude and spiteful, uninviting you to her leaving party and making comments about the waitress...

[MobMoll]

I had exactly the same situation where I used to work. It started to get out of hand when the woman in questions boyfriend was invited to a work event and a current employee on maternity leave wasn’t! I can understand she’s feeling hard to let her old job go after working there for so long, but she needs to accept she no longer works there. I would stop inviting her to official work events. If she wants to make plans to see her former work colleagues they can all do that on their own time surely?

[Star2015]

Great, thanks everyone, I didn’t think I was being unreasonable, but since she’s made such a song and dance about it, I started to question myself.

It’s not my business, we are a small public body.... I think as she was in the role for 35 she didn’t expect someone to come in and take over (without her help) with relative ease.

Thanks everyone. It’s the meal tomorrow, now I k ow for sure I made the right decision I can put it to the back of my mind and enjoy it!

[Star2015]

• 35 years

[IRememberSoIDo]

Definitely not UR. As others said we ask people that left during the year but not after that.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

This happens where I work - there's six people attending our Christmas meal this year who have left at various points in the year; one who left in early December last year!

I've always thought it was a bit odd - when I joined, the person who did my job before was attending a staff meal and it made it quite awkward, she didn't really want to talk to me - but it seems the done thing here.

If it's the done thing where you are and the staff are paying for their own meal; I'd let them get on with it and try to get passed your personal awkwardness with the lady who left.

[Holidayshopping]

Possibly the first Christmas meal if they’ve only just left but nothing after that. She’s being ridiculous and very rude.

[SerenDippitty]

I honestly would not want to go to a Christmas meal with people I no longer worked with, unless I had only recently left, the meal had already been arranged - in that case I’d go one last time for old time’s sake.

[Nitpickpicnic]

Think ahead... next year she’ll seem more unreasonable if she goes on about it, in 2020 even more. Her audience will shrink, and she’ll start to be seen for the immature gossip she really is. Let her dig her own grave over time.

Yours is a waiting game, standing firm to your decision. Also, strengthen your spine a bit. Yes, small villages can make this kind of drama harder, but your reputation is made on what you do, and how you are with the majority of people. Stay firm, pleasant and helpful and ignore the malcontents. That includes shutting down (pleasantly) anyone trying to tell you ‘what she’s doing/saying now’. Answer briefly, interrupting if you have to ‘Yes, it does seem Doris is having some issues with her transition to retirement. It must be hard to be out of the loop after so long but life moves on, hey? Now, tell me about your Xmas plans.’

[GemmeFatale]

It would be odd to invite her and I think she doesn’t like that you’ve made your mark and haven’t failed without her.

Let her cry in church. Most people with an ounce of sense will recognise it’s odd behaviour and entirely about her feeling unneeded now she’s retired/left not about you being a bitch.

[AntMoon]

It would have been weird to invite her this Christmas. Sounds like she's having issues letting go of the position and being replaced; her problem, not yours, you're not the scapegoat.

She sounds immature and mean.

[smithsinarazz]

I always used to get invited to my last employer's Christmas meals, which felt a bit weird since I left under a bit of a cloud - I'm a town planner, and I'd got into trouble for disagreeing with their fuckwit plans for building a load of roads through the green belt. I would go along and think oh well no hard feelings and feel a bit odd. However, they haven't invited me this year because I'm openly campaigning against their stupid roads. It's one hell of a relief.
What on earth is the matter with her if she gets upset about not being part of something that she left of her own free will? Hasn't she got any mates?

[GetOffTheTableMabel]

Agree with *Nitpickpicnic” perhaps adding that as she’s having a difficult time adjusting to retirement, it seems kinder not to include her as it’s not helping her to get used to her new normal. She needs to see her old work friends on her terms now.

[GodrestyemerrySchadenfreud]

It's a work do so no, it's normal to only invite employees. She's not an employee.

Ditto.

[yorkshirepud44]

I've had to deal with exactly this this week. Loads of ex employees coming to our Christmas do as guests of current employees (so a heavily subsidised ticket.) One of them had actually been exited earlier this year and I couldn't believe we needed to point out to anyone that it might be inappropriate.

I don't want a rule, but fear we might have to make one.

[Coronapop]

You are right, stick to your decision and just repeat 'it is a work do' as often as necessary. She no longer works there, and therefore is not invited. Any sensible person would accept that as common sense.