to let my DD get what she wants?

[ButtontopBakery]

Hi all. I have four teenage DC (13 and 14 yo boys, 16 and 19 yo girls)

My 16yo DD is turning 17 next year early January and is not into clothes, make-up, music ect. like my other three DC. She's a sweet girl with a very kind personality. Loves animals. She doesn't act her age and acts around 11-12 but can be very mature at times. She also has ASD and GAD and was only diagnosed when she was 14 when her mental health worsened and she became suicidal. She receives help now and is happy.

Her relationship with her father and my DP isn't that great and he gets on more with my other DC, especially eldest. Every Christmas and birthday DD16 has asked for toys. I have absolutely no problem with it at all and get what she asks for. My DP began finding it strange when she was 12 as she'd hit puberty then and was still asking for toys and such. He told her then she needed to start asking for different things.

Fast forward now, this year she's asked for animal toys (those figurines) a Kruselings doll and dollhouse furniture as well as some books as she is a very avid reader, a Barbie doll and remote control car and some Twozies. This is a lot more toy heavy than last year but I'm absolutely fine with it. But DP snapped earlier and told her she had to grow up now she's nearly in college. DD cried and shut herself in her room then I got into a massive argument with DP and he went off in a strop.

AIBU to get my DD what she wants for Christmas? Or should I try encourage her to like more age appropriate thngs? Because I am worried what she will do when we're gone and all. She is very very sensitive.

[Zeusette]

Your partner doesn't sound very nice. I would get rid of him and get your daughter what she wants. She sounds lovely.

[MrsStrowman]

The main part of me wants to say get her what she wants there's no harm, but she's nearly seventeen, do you think in the next few years she might be looking to go into further education or work and maybe even looking to move out? If so she does need to stop clinging to childhood quite so much, however if her needs are such that she's likely to be with you long term and not capable of work etc there's probably no harm. He is definitely unreasonable to shout at her, knowing her issues.

[Spaghettijumper]

Tell your DP you've decided that what he likes isn't acceptable and choose him a range of foods to eat, clothes to wear and presents to ask for. See how he likes it. Arsehole.

Your anxiety about her maturity is absolutely understandable and it may be the case that your DP is also worried. But expressing that anxiety by making your child feel shit is not a solution and preventing her from getting the presents she wants is just plain mean.

[HurricaneHalle]

@Spaghettijumper I completely agree.

Why waste your money on gifts she doesn't want?

[LagunaBubbles]

so she does need to stop clinging to childhood quite so much

I guess you're one of those people that don't think adults should have anything associated with childhood, my DH is 43 and yet again I will be buying him lego for Christmas. I don't think he's "clinging onto childhood" either.

[3luckystars]

If she has asd then get her what she is asking for and nothing else, she is telling you what she wants and that is wonderful.

[MrsStrowman]

@LagunaBubbles 'quite so much' in that some gifts like that are fine but that she might want some other things as well that will help her integrate with peers and develop new interests as well as the other things she likes, as the OP is worried about her maturing, I have a DH who reads comic books I'm really not judging!

[Petalbird]

I still have toys for Christmas especially soft toys. Step kids love playing with them too (more than their own toys sometimes ) my mother was always against me having them my father was fine and still buys me toys. Which one do you think I speak to and go and visit?

[WeirdCatLady]

I’m 45 and I’m hoping for Lego for my birthday, I also own Sylvanian Family stuff. I have a postgrad Degree and a nice house so liking toys doesn’t equate to being a loser.

I agree with others that your ‘d’p sounds like a twat. Why are you letting him talk to your dd like that??

[sossages]

Fuck that. I will be buying my DH robots that turn into cars for Christmas as always, because that's what he wants and as an adult he is allowed to decide what he likes!

I note with interest that the things it's suggested she "should" be into are clothes and make up and I am worried that the actual complaint here is about her not being interested in conforming to a gender stereotype. You've said she's an avid reader. Is that not something to be happy about?

If there are other concerns about her maturity then there are about a million better ways to address them than through the medium of Christmas presents.

[5foot5]

I am largely with those posters who say nothing wrong with an adult having "toys". I too have bought my DH Lego and remote control gadgets in the past and I know that many adults like and collect dolls houses and furniture.

I seem to recall though that there was an age when I would have liked those things but didn't feel I could ask for them as my Mum would have been scornful. I remember as an 18 / 19 year old being very envious of the little boy next door who had been bought a Big Foot - even though he didn't really have any idea or interest in programming it and just wanted to use it like an ordinary toy car. I would have loved one of those and, in fact, as a 50-something when they were relaunched it went straight on my Christmas list!

Perhaps you go through an age where you feel you have to show you are grown up and ask for "grown up" things. But then when you are properly "grown up" and don't feel you have to prove it anymore you can get the things you really want.

If your DD doesn't see why she should put on this facade then fair enough IMO

Maybe get her some clothes things as well as the things on her list if you think they might be things she would wear. Don't bother with make up if she has no interest in it - why should she?

[EK36]

Get your lovely daughter what she wants for Christmas. Your partner sounds horrible.

[MrsJayy]

Your daughter was not long diagnosed with autisim just a few years ago she isn't into usual 16 year old things maybe cut back on some of the toys but it is your Dds christmas list not your partners who sounds embaressed byy her and has no understanding of her autisim.

[Lovemusic33]

Your partners a twat, how can you let him talk to her like that? I would have kicked him out .

Both my dd’s have ASD, dd1 is almost 15 and wants some Pokemon teddies for Christmas as well as a Nintendo switch, she collects everything pokemon and her room is full of teddies. Dd2 is 12 and still likes toys. I buy them what they ask for within reason.

I’m sure grow men play with toy? Remote control cars, Lego, drones etc...etc.. so your dp is being a twat.

You know what your dd would probably like for Christmas?.......not to live with this man.

[happypoobum]

AGree with PP.

Get DD what she wants for Christmas and start defending her.

Your DP sounds like a cunt.

[strawberrisc]

I'm glad that she's happy. I'd swap in a heartbeat and buy any crap my DD wanted for that.

[FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones]

Your DD won't suddenly become more mature by being told to. She's at the developmental stage she's at. You and DP can either accept that and enjoy DD for who she is (and she sounds lovely) or you can refuse to accept her for who she is which will result in her feeling bad about who she is. I think you're doing the right thing and need to put your foot down massively with your DP. She's already at massive risk of low self esteem with her ASD having her father and step dad reject her is definitely not going to help.

[BabySharkAteMyHamster]

As she has asd she will be years behind socially, absolutely no harm.in her having toys. However id maybe try to gear it towards the more grown up side as a.social outlet (( could she decorate a dolls house ?? Very popular and social. ))

There are plenty of adults who are still into role play, ie cos play, dungeons and dragons, even the sims is just playing but with validity.

Oh and you need to leave the bastard, that man is making your dd feel ashamed of.who she is. And that isnt ok.

[plaidlife]

My DH and other adult family members are being given Lego as gifts this Christmas, adults with good jobs and functioning relationships. I have been given soft toys in the past. In fact I went to an cocktail party last week where out leaving gifts included a soft toy.
Your DP may be trying cackhandely to express concern about your DD's making friends, developing maturity but he isn't helping. Let her have her Xmas presents and work on any other issues in another time or place.

[BonfireOfTheVanities4]

Tell him to fuck off spiteful cunt and get dd what she wants for xmas.

[Hellohah]

When I was 21, my Mum asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I wanted a bouncing tigger... she got it me. And 16 years later, I still have it. Must have replaced the batteries about 50 times. My own DS played with it when he was younger, all the kids that come play with it. I sometimes set it off as my cat tries to bounce with it.
I know it's not the same, but I wanted that bouncing tigger. And nobody would ever say I couldn't have it.

[riotlady]

Yes, get her what she wants! It sounds like she’s had a rough time and what’s the harm?

[IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere]

My daughter is 16, very academic, lots of friends, loves soft toys. But for Christmas all she wants is Lego and Harry Potter figures.

I have also bought four toy meerkats for my son and daughter in law and a doll for my oldest daughter.

[Dvg]

I say she should be able to have toys if she wants it BUT they are weird things to want as a 17 year old :S

[Booboostwo]

Your DH is unnecessarily cruel. Adulthood is not defined by no longer playing. I love dollshouses and I am 45. Plenty of adults enjoy all kinds of games. Your DD should get what she wants.