To think my husband is a bully and controlling?

[Ribbon14]

Hi all,

Am having massive doubs about my relationship with dh and am feeling very lost. Basically sometimes he's nice to me but sometimes he isn't... He can be really nice then say something that upsets me.

For example, he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold, he had a go at me for ordering a tub of hummus with the shopping saying next time I'll have to show him what I'm ordering first. I am also afraid to use my phone around him bc he always gives me dirty looks and says things like I saw that... Last night I was trying to contact a friend whilst in the loo (!) and he said he caught me. He also gets moody if something doesn't go his way or isn't done for him. He says he does everything for me...and uses the fact I get ill a lot to say he always looks after me.
Whenever I try to talk to him about how I feel, he is dismissive and uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight.

Really struggling to know what to do :(
What do people think?

[Storm4star]

Yes he is definitely controlling. Telling you off for a pot of hummus? In one paragraph alone you're telling us he controls whether you are cold or not, what you are allowed to buy, who you are allowed to talk to. The fact he is "sometimes" nice to you isn't enough. What do you want to do?

[fantasmasgoria1]

Finish it.

[marvellousnightforamooncup]

Make plans to leave. That is not normal, it is abusive.

[TheMerryWidow1]

get out, before he drives you crazy!!

[SuperstarDJ]

I be willing to bet that he’s a large part of the reason that you do suffer from anxiety and depression. His behaviour isn’t normal or what a loving respectful relationship should be and feel like.

[Ribbon14]

Trouble is I'm so scared of leaving in case it makes my anxiety and depression worse. I also have physical symptoms I struggle with and worried I won't be able to cope on my own but then I know I shouldn't just stay bc I'm frightened of being in my own....

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

he won't let me have the heating on even though I'm cold

This alone is enough to leave. Does he decide what time you're allowed to eat or what to wear?

Sorry, but yes. And all the uses the fact I suffer with anxiety and some depression to say I'm not thinking straight is gaslighting to make you doubt yourself.

How long have you been together and do you have somewhere to go? (Friends/family.)

[GreenFingersWouldBeHandy]

Agree that you'll probably find your depression and anxiety improves massively without him hovering over you and judging you all the time.

Please can you reach out to someone in real life?

[Raven88]

I would blast the heating and order a truck load of hummus and walk out the door.

He's treating you terribly and you deserve more.

[Ribbon14]

Been married nearly a year and a half. There are some friends I can go to. I just feel trapped bc I've tried to end it before and every time he manages to talk his way out... Recently another thing he's started saying which I find offensive is 'I want to fuck you'.... Just makes me feel like an object :(

[Babdoc]

Wow, your shit of a husband has done a real number on you, hasn’t he.
You only have “doubts”?! You should have alarm bells ringing at 100 decibels, red flags waving, and a siren going off, while a skywriter paints “Leave the fucker” in large letters above your house!
OP, he is abusive, controlling and gaslighting you. He’s making you question your own sanity rather than see him for what he is.
If a friend described a partner like this, what would you say to them?
Please leave, before he grinds your mental health down even further, worsening your depression.

[Sexnotgender]

I’d be very surprised if leaving this controlling arsehole didn’t make your anxiety and depression immeasurably better!

[Rogueone]

I think your anxiety, depression and physical issues are related to this relationship. You may find the dark cloud he has cast will lift when you leave. It sounds truly horrendous,

[CantWaitToRetire]

You shouldn't live your life (if you can call this living) on a series of 'what ifs?'. What if my anxiety gets worse? What if I can't cope on my own?

Flip it around. What if your anxiety doesn't get worse? What if you do manage to cope? You won't know until you try, and life is too short to put up with someone controlling your every move. Do you have a support network - parents, siblings, friends - who can help you if you decide to leave?

[ihatethecold]

Can you talk to women’s aid op?
I’m sorry to say he is very controlling and I think you should look at your options.
The freedom program may help you

[florafawna]

Counselling or he's gone.

[1wokeuplikethis]

The phone thing is weird and controlling. The dismissal to talk about your feelings is thoughtless and definitely NOT loving/supportive.

The hummous and the heating- what’s that about? Is he the main or only earner? Is money tight? Are you as a couple trying to cut back and budget? You’ve not elaborated so I am assuming that’s it (and I am in exactly the same boat here as you but it’s because we are tightening our belts).

[Aquamarine1029]

Your anxiety will only get worse if you STAY. Being married to a man like this will ALWAYS be worse than being without him. Don't let him destroy you. Pack your bags and walk out the door. You can't leave fast enough.

[Ribbon14]

Thanks everyone. It's just really hard bc I had a difficult year last year in other ways as my dad was ill and my grandad also died and I don't know whether it's that that's making me ill or this relationship... Possibly both. I really just want him to leave. He came home from work at lunchtime to look after me but then has had a go at me re heating and hummus... But I know if I say something he'll just say but I came home to look after you etc... :(

[Rogueone]

I see you posted about this in January. Doesn’t sound like anything has improved or anything has changed. Did you do anything after posting then to try and change the situation?

[Angrybird345]

Try and get out of this relationship.

[Ribbon14]

So I don't really ly have any family. My mum died when I was 19 and dad is an alcoholic.have no siblings and no grandparents. No lonely isn't tight. I own my own house with no mortgage. He is the main earner as I am self employed but we live comfortably. He always acts like we don't have much money but I think we do compared to most people our age.

[Ribbon14]

Yeah I have posted a few times. I tried talking to him back then but it was no use. Also almost ended it in the summer but I felt like I couldn't. I tried to leave the house and he physically stopped me. And he also says things like I can't live without you etc.

[Celebelly]

He's controlling and abusive. And I well believe you will find it easier to cope on your own than living with someone who treats you like this.

[Regnamechanger]

Counselling isn't really suitable in an abusive relationship. I wonder if a call to Women's Aid might be a good starting point. I think you should be careful and stay safe.