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AIBU?

Row with Mother in law

483 replies

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 13:59

This may be a long one so apologies in advance!...
I need some advice on a situation that arose between my MIL and I a few days ago.
To start from the beginning, I met my husband when I was 19. He was 26 and already had a child that was 3. He was a single parent as his ex partner had chosen not to be in the child’s life. This meant that when our relationship became official, I took on the role of step mum to the little one and decided that if I was going to do this I would raise the child as if he was my own and nothing less. That was 9 years ago and I have since fully adopted my step son (who I’ve referred to as my son for years) and I am now 18 weeks pregnant with my first after years of struggling with fertility issues.
My MIL and husband have a very close relationship as most mothers and sons do. My MIL can be a nice person but she is very intimidating and opinionated if she doesn’t agree with something that I want for my son. We haven’t had many disagreements over the years but the worst part about it is that my husband never sticks up for me when we do. My MIL is very much all about showering ds with love and affection (which we all want) and making out as though she knows him better than I do. She undermines me all the time and feeds ds junk food and rubbish whenever he spends time with her which is a lot as we have had to rely on her help because of work commitments. I have tried to raise this with her on a few occasions but she gets defensive and nasty about it. Cue the drama that unfolded this week... ds was to stay at her house for the night as it’s half term and she suggested that they get fish and chips for tea. Usually I wouldn’t mind as a treat however my husband had treated ds to a McDonald’s breakfast that morning. I objected and offered her food to take from my house for her to cook. She flat out refused and still said that she would be getting fish and chips. As a final attempt I then offered to cook for my ds and then drop him over to her house later on once he had had his tea. My husband then told me to ‘shut up and stop being funny about it’ and my MIL stormed out - I admit I was so angry in the end after my husband said what he said I did lose my temper and bit and told them to do what they like. My husband chased my MIL out of the house with ds in tow and told her it was fine. Before I could do anything my MIL had driven off with my ds. My husband and I had a huge row because he accused me of being ‘funny’ with her when all I was trying to do was offer to cook for my ds without being too confrontational. I therefore decided that enough was enough and drove to MIL’s house to pick my son up and take him home. By the time I got there she’d already got him the fish and chips so I felt I couldn’t just take it away from right underneath him. She said some horrible things and I told her that I was sick of being undermined and I was finally sticking up for myself. My reasoning was just that - is she going to think she can do the same when my new baby gets here?!
Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable? I haven’t heard from her since the row and I am just so hurt and upset that my MIL and husband both did what they did. I am just so done with being walked all over and I want to be respected for the mum that I am. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he will just defend her 🙁

OP posts:
Waitingonasmiley42 · 15/08/2018 14:03

I can see you really want to do the right thing and be a good mum. In my opinion you were completely over the top and ridiculous over a minor thing. If you don’t want issues arising with the baby then use a childminder or nursery and don’t let MIL have the baby alone. Easily solved.

Coolaschmoola · 15/08/2018 14:06

Wow. Just wow.

YWBU.

StopAndChat · 15/08/2018 14:08

Basically I want to know if I am/was being unreasonable?

Yeah, you are/were.

Lazypuppy · 15/08/2018 14:09

I don't see what you were so angry about? So you ds would have had 1 day of having mcdonalds breakfast and fish and chips...is that really such a big deal for 1 day?

dingodon · 15/08/2018 14:09

I get the feeling it wasn’t really the fish and chips, that was just the final straw. As they always say here you don’t have a MIL problem you have a DH problem. And cut down / stop the reliance on childcare.

teaandtoast · 15/08/2018 14:10

I don't think it's a minor thing to want to feed decent food to your ds.

multiplemum3 · 15/08/2018 14:11

I'm assuming it was a build up of everything. You're going to have to stop relying on her for childcare

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 15/08/2018 14:12

It’s one day. You are well intentioned obviously but massive U to storm over there.

If you want her to provide childcare then you have to let her make some decisions

Mckenzie123 · 15/08/2018 14:13

I think you’re right... I think it’s been a build up of things and because I have kept my mouth shut for so long it’s blown up. All I wanted was for her to listen to me for once instead of undermining me which has happened every day for the past 9 years. Thanks for your feedback 🙂

OP posts:
ArnoldBee · 15/08/2018 14:13

The incident you've described is ridiculous what your poor son thought goodness only knows. If it's actually about wider issues then you need to sort them out.

DelphiniumBlue · 15/08/2018 14:13

This is a 12 year old, right?
If MIL is good enough to look after him, you can't be telling her she can't treat him with a takeaway!
If you're that bothered about junk food why are you letting him have McDonads for breakfast?
I think you've been very rude and have completely overreacted. You owe MIL a massive apology.

Rockyrockcake · 15/08/2018 14:15

I don’t think you were being unreasonable. It was just unfortunate timing. Years of being undermined and watching her trying to buy his love with junk food and spoiling just tipped you over at a bad point.

The problem is that you cannot Reason with unreasonable people. Neither her nor your DH see that feeding him rubbish is wrong. Adding into the mix is their inference that he ‘belongs’ to them.

I don’t know what the answer is, but if there is a way to rely on her less then I would try to do it.

Dinodan · 15/08/2018 14:19

He is 12 and you were acting ridiculous! You owe your MIL and DH an apology.

He's 12 he eats a lot more crap than you think!

Topseyt · 15/08/2018 14:20

Yes, I do think that you were being unreasonable. I really don't see the problem with her enjoying a fish and chips dinner with her grandson.

So what if he had already had a McDonald's breakfast! You were way OTT. I would have reacted to you as your DH did, and your MIL perhaps too.

In this house we like fish and chips every Saturday evening. Regardless of what anyone has or hasn't eaten earlier in the day.

Perhaps you could consider apologising. You really did push it way too far.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 15/08/2018 14:20

Fish and chips is quite a healthy meal for a child? Carbs/protein/fat

I don’t see the issue

Hillarious · 15/08/2018 14:22

You really need to discuss this issue with your DH and/or MIL at a time when there's nothing contentious going on, so you can calmly get your point across. I can understand why you wish to ensure your DS has a good diet, but you're in a difficult position when a McDonald's breakfast is okay, but fish and chips isn't. I also wouldn't put good quality fish and chips under the "junk food" heading. Turning up at your MIL's house to take your DS away shows that there's so much more to this than just fish and chips. Perhaps the incident has brought this all to a head and you can all acknowledge that a calm discussion is now needed.

Windmillsinsummer · 15/08/2018 14:23

It was fish and chips your mil didn't offer him crack cocaine and a bottle of cider you are being massively ridiculous!

Newbabies15 · 15/08/2018 14:23

I'm in the same situation. Some people just won't respect you and if you rely on them it's tough luck. If you were paying you could instist. The wheel always turns though. YANBU she doesn't respect your wishes as a parent - it is not about the fish and chips. I let my mil do what she wants now because I can't do anything about it and she's good with the kids. It's just HER good not MY good. For this reason I don't share half of the stuff I would if she would respect me and my wants. I don't treat her with disrespect I just keep my distance.

crosstalk · 15/08/2018 14:24

YABU. I understand where you're coming from, but pick the time and place for it. Not in front of DH, DSS. I would be apologizing if I were you for this particular incident - as you say in your OP "usually you'd be fine with it" - so your DMiL was supposed to have known DH had fed his DS an inappropriate breakfast.

And talk to your DH about your concerns after you've apologised to DMiL and analysed what you want out of the relationship with him, DMiL and DSS and the new baby.

I understand that she's domineering. However it's on you to clear the air and make your opinions known to her and DH. You can blame your explosion on hormones if you need to - though clearly your unhappiness has been building up for ages.

bluddyknackered · 15/08/2018 14:24

It's unfortunate if there really have been loads of previous incidents that this is the one that you made a massive fuss over as, honestly, you were just SO unreasonable. I would have been furious with you! I really think you owe your mil a massive apology.

Awrite · 15/08/2018 14:25

I have to say - if I say no junk food, I expect my instructions to be followed.

I'm surprised the consensus is otherwise.

Personally, I would cut down contact until I cease to be undermined. And no, definitely no unsupervised contact with new baby.

You need to sort your husband out, he is worse.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2018 14:25

Part of being at a Grandparents is having slacker rules, so you do need to accept that to some degree. However I think you perhaps feel that because you are not your son’s birth mother, your MIL feels more free to make her own rules for her grandson. I think you have a DH problem as pp says. You need to talk to DH and he needs to talk to his Mum about undermining you generally. You also need to tell your MIL that although this was a bit ott, it is because you have felt undermined for a long time. Do you feel less valid as a parent because you adopted your son later ? You are his Mum, you have no reason to feel that, but I wonder if it is a sensitive point and that is why you are slightly over compensating ?

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Guienne · 15/08/2018 14:27

Fish and chips isn't junk food, and if you really had an issue with it you wouldn't allow MacDonald's in the house. She has been doing you massive favours in terms of free childcare, and the fact that she has different ideas about what to give your son to eat when he is at her house does not amount to undermining you.

Hillarious · 15/08/2018 14:27

I have to say - if I say no junk food, I expect my instructions to be followed.

Is (or even "are") fish and chips junk food?

TotHappy · 15/08/2018 14:27

I don't think you were being unreasonable. You didn't want him having two treats in one day. It prob would have been fine, but the point is you had chosen no and she chose to say 'tough shit, I'll do what i like'. That's not on. And your dh told you to shut up?! What the fuck! Was that in front of mil and son?
Cheeky fuck!

Talk to your dh (pref when you've both fully calmed down, unless you're angry enough to want to leave him) about what rules/routines you both want for your son and, importantly, how you are going to raise and handle it when one of you wants those rules relaxed in a particular situation. That should bot include having the debate in front of any other interested party, especially your son.

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