Changing access for dsd

[advice121]

Dh has a daughter who will be starting school in September.

This morning dh got a text from the mother saying from September, he will only be allowed to see her every other weekend.

The arrangement now is we have her a full weekend every Friday night to Sunday night one weekend and then every other Sunday the other weekend - so she is here every weekend at some point. We also have her the odd night through the week now and then if her mum has social plans. These nights will not be able to continue as she lives a half hour drive away so it's not going to be possible for getting her to school on time and also dh leaves the house at 7am every morning and I have my own dcs to take the school (I take dsd with me on the school run and her mum collects her after or I drop her off at her mums). So it literally will be eow.

Dh is absolutely gutted. Is she being unreasonable? Her reasoning being she will get less time with her dd now she's starting school full time so it's only fair they get a full weekend each.

Dh has suggested alternatives as the how the weekends could go - I.e they split the weekends (she comes to us either Friday or Saturday night and leaves the following day) but everything was just a firm no.

The only possible alternative is that dh goes to see her one/two nights a week after work. But even that isn't ideal for dh. He doesn't get home until 6.30ish, by the time he gets over the her house, it will be 7 and that's her bedtime. The ex has said he's welcome to go for tea whenever he wants but deep down she knows that's not going to happen due to dh's work.

What is frustrating is we have a baby due in October. She made a massive song and dance about how dsd must not be left out (which she never ever would be) and now our family time is being taken away.

Dh has stormed off to work this morning and I really do feel for him. He is such a great dad. He had tears in his eyes when he left just at the thought of not seeing her for 2 weeks.

Is she being unreasonable? This agreement has been in place for the last 3 years, it's never changed.

[LeighaJ]

Is there a court order for the contact?

[Hidillyho]

EOW seems to be quite a common way to split child care arrangements.
What has been said about holidays? Are they going to be split relatively evenly? Eg, 3 weeks each in the summer holidays, 1 week each for end of term (or half a week for 1 week half terms) and also what about bank holidays?

Obviously during the week on school days is out due to the distance you are from DSD school so I don’t think her mum is unreasonable about this

[MrsBertBibby]

Well of course starting school will mean changes.

I much prefer sharing every weekend, and my son would hate not seeing dad every weekend, but it is very much not the established norm.

Is there no way a midweek can be adjusted for?

[advice121]

No, nothing. It's never been to court, just an arrangement between them both.

[Elllicam]

Is there no way your DH can adjust his hours? Even if he got a late start or an early finish one day a week then he could see her a day during the week as well.

[BitchQueen90]

I can see both sides. Personally I wouldn't like my DS to spend a night at his dad's every weekend as I work during the week so I like to make the most of weekends with him.

What about school holidays?

[ReservoirDogs]

EOW is pretty much the norm though and of course DSD's mother would like to have a whole weekend with her daughter now she'll be at school.

[Returnofthesmileybar]

Well having a weekend each is definitely the fairest way, otherwise she gets all of the everyday stuff and nond of the fun stuff so it seems fair to me, especially as she has said he is welcome for tea etc, if that doesn't happen it's down to your dh really

[araiwa]

It should be agreed by both parents. Its unfair for one to make decisions alone

[maddening]

Tbh if my child was starting school I would want at least every other weekend with him.

Your dh could arrange to work later a couple of days a week to accommodate midweek stays

[advice121]

Re mid week - not really as far as dsd coming to us goes, she lives just too far away and we would never be able to get her to school in time on a morning. The only thing would be dh going to see her on a night but her night time routine of bed time at 7 wouldn't change so by the time dh got there, she would already be in bed.

Thing is, I do understand the eow. My children only see their dad eow. BUT it does have a massive effect on them. They miss him so much and obviously my dh sees that. He doesn't want the same to happen with him and his daughter. So I totally get where he's coming from. Especially with the new baby coming too.

But then again....I see it from her side. She is notoriously difficult to deal with but....yeah I sort of see where she's coming with this.

[trilbydoll]

It seems to be dh work that's the problem, is there no option for him to finish at 4pm every Wednesday or something similar?

It might be worth considering what if dsd starts doing a club on a Saturday morning. They might have to experiment with different options and see what dsd prefers.

[blackteasplease]

The Mum will need to have equal weekend time once the dd is at school becuase that is the quality time. Having the rushed mornings and evenings when kids are tired homework is needed etc is not the same.

The Mum definitelt shouldnt be without any full weekends, that's just incredibly unfair.

EOW with you having a day or two in the week is good.

Of course the weekdays can carry on - it's only half an hour away! He just needs to put himself out a tiny bit and accept things that aren't ideal for him.

Storming off gives a good suggestion as to why the ex wife left him in the first place! Does he always chuck his toys out of the pram when he doesmt get his way?

[HeckyPeck]

He may have already tried, but can your DH put in a flexible working request to finish early one day then start late the next so he could have an overnight in the week? Maybe using breakfast club/after school club if they have those. It doesn't seem fair on DSD either to go from seeing him so much to every 2 weeks

[blackteasplease]

And I agree he needs to look at making changes with his work to accommodate this.

[advice121]

Re, dh working later, that's not an option due to his job. He works in peoples houses and has to be out for 6pm. Not allowed to work later.

School holidays have always varied, we've always been very flexible and worked around the ex. However I think dh may need to put his foot down and say they have split holidays. If we are going along with her view of fair - a weekend each - then I suppose school holidays it's only fair that they are split.

Like I say, I do agree with her and can see she has a very valid point. It's just sad to see how upset my dh is over it.

[TimeToDash]

Now that the days are so split up I would count up the hours rather than days she sees both parents and try to adjust it accordingly so that it's fair.

[TimeToDash]

One thing you could do is collect her every Friday after school then return her Sunday mid morning?

[Glumglowworm]

The ex will be doing all the dreary parts of parenting, getting her up for school, dealing with a tired cranky child after school, rushing through dinner, bath, bed. Scrambling to cover the days DD is off sick or inset days. Of course she should get an equal amount of quality time at the weekends.

Splitting every weekend in half may work, but means more travelling and can be difficult to make plans

has DH made a flexible working request? He could ask for an early finish one day a week (making up time on the other days) and go see his DD after school.

[advice121]

As far as dh's job goes, it cannot change. I don't want to be too specific with his job but he works to a deadline each week and it involves disabled people. He cannot work less hours as he works in these peoples houses and he needs to be there at certain times of the day.

I'll speak to dh on his dinner break anyway and see how he feels then. There's a couple of things people have suggested here that I can pass on to him so thank you for the helpful comments

[kitkatsky]

I agree that mum should have the child at least every other weekend. They might be able to negotiate a bit more time during school hols though? It is only half an hour though- I can't see why he couldn't travel to her and take her to McDonald's or something for an hour. Obviously not ideal I understand, but better than nothing. Also Skype/ FaceTime make it much easier to be a NRP these days- it's not the same but it's something

[SeaCabbage]

It's not the weekends that are the issue - that is obviously a fair split.

What is the problem, is that your DH can't accommodate a mid-week night which is his problem to sort out.

[RunningBean]

Every other weekend and half the holidays would be plenty of time, how is this a surprise to you, you can't have been expecting her mum to do all the school days and harder work of parenting and then expect her to only have 1 day off a fortnight with her while you do nothing but 3 fun days.

If he wants to be involved in day to day parenting his options are to change his work hours or move closer, though half an hour already isn't that far. He could go once a week to do her bedtime without it putting him out much.

[liz70]

If you drive, can you put your DSD in Breakfast Club? They usually start at 8 a.m., so if you have all the DC in the car, you could drop DSD at her school at 8 then drop your DC at their school after that? It may mean an earlier start in the morning, but still doable?