AIBU to punish someone by taking away their birthday?

[Rebecca563]

Ok, so punish is a bit dramatic and taking away is OTt but very torn and desperate for advice...

Tomorrow DS has birthday. I’ve got some little bits, clothes and stuff but spent fair bit on new phone he wants (been saving and it just arrived). However over last few months he’s not covered himself in glory and now I don’t know whether to send it back - obviously he’d never know it was ever an option - and just give the small stuff.

He’s currently on suspension from college for a stupid prank (claims not him) and he goes back after hols as normal. Than last week got sacked from his part time job for basically just not working when he was there. For Mother’s Day he give me a present but it has had his crossed out and he’d rewritten ‘Mum’ instead so no effort to disguise the regift, no issue with a good regift but the lack of effort narks :(

Do I still go all out and hope he appreciates it would it be counter productive to reward total lack of effort all round ?!

Please help.

[Caulk]

Depends whether birthday gifts are to celebrate the birthday or as a reward for something.

If you don’t celebrate his birthday, what will you do with the gifts you have for him?

[Tantpoke]

I'm not sure, I tend to cave in and I would probably just give it anyway.

My DS is being a a real PITA at the moment but he is only 12.

Your DS sounds like he's going through a tricky time so just give it to him and you know you are being a good and kind DM even if he is showing a complete lack of appreciation at the moment.

I think you will feel a bit shit if you don't give it to him tbh.

[MuddyForestWalks]

I take it he's turning 17? I would go with the small gifts only and make him get a new job to buy the phone from you (albeit at a slightly reduced rate). He's old enough to learn that shit don't come for free and that nobody will reward you for being a dick.

[fuzzywuzzy]

I’ll prolly be in the minority.

But I’d send the phone back and do the small gifts.

He is inconsiderate, lazy and selfish. I wouldn’t be rewarding that.

I’ve got teens of my own and I’d do the same.

[Tantpoke]

My DD 10 is the one who remembers my birthday / mothers day and gives me gifts even if she just wraps something I already own she used to do this when she was younger.

Whereas my DS just doesn't care and dosen't feel in the slightest bit bad for forgetting or not being interested in birthdays or mothers day. He really is a little sod actually but I love him and he does make me laugh in a good way a lot.

[Tantpoke]

I think I'm probably in the minority fuzzy

[GreenTulips]

I think gifts are deserved and not to be expected

If he wants a phone he should've stayed at his job and saved for it

I'd send it back and save the money for another time

[NotTakenUsername]

Whereas my DS just doesn't care and dosen't feel in the slightest bit bad for forgetting or not being interested in birthdays or mothers day.

God help the women who gets him.

[Nanny0gg]

Small gifts only and after his birthday a long chat about his future and his plans.

[Tantpoke]

I know right nottaken that's exactly what we keep telling him.

I think he's used to his DSis doing it and occasionally signing his name on a card.

I'm actually sometimes at my wits end trying to reason with him about his behaviour, he starts fights with his DSis all the time, it's getting to the point I'm actually thinking I need to see a professional.

He's very academic and very bright, has friends and although confident is also socially awkward. He is well behaved at School always has been.
He is my height 5'6 and looks 14/16 so I expect more grown up behaviour from him, often forgetting he is only 12.

[RedDwarves]

I’d send the phone back and give the small gifts. He’s old enough to have learnt about actions and consequences, and he’s old enough to realise that if he can’t get his act together and behave like a decent person, he doesn’t deserve a phone as a gift; and that if he cannot hold down a job, he will not be able to afford one.

It’s time for the hard lessons if he’s not learned from the ones he’s been served already.

[Tantpoke]

I dont' know if it's puberty or some kind of personality disorder as his behaviour has only been more aggresive since starting secondary school. hard to tell really

[NotTakenUsername]

It would be very telling to skip his birthday one year and see his reaction. Is he not interested in any birthdays or just any birthdays that aren’t his own?

[user1488622199]

Send the phone back and regift him the gift you got for mother’s day?

Seriously, I have a hoard of brothers who have no respect or appreciation for anything that is done for them but are the first with their hands out or to take advantage of what’s been organised. Drives me crazy. This is why we have threads and threads about lazy and entitled partners/husbands

[NotTakenUsername]

Send the phone back and regift him the gift you got for mother’s day?

Oh my god please please do this.

[SleepFreeZone]

Oh I’d have to be petty as hell and cross out the Mum and write his name and then put as much thought into my gifts as he out into mine.

[gillybeanz]

There's no way my sons would have behaved like this, especially the mothers day present.
I'm glad they turned into good men who can manage to do these things for themselves, my future dil's consider themselves lucky, apparently.
There is no surprise so many women come on here moaning about their partners, parents are responsible for how their dc turn out.

[incywincybitofa]

Why did you get the phone to give to him? It must have been a recent purchase made in the midst of all the behaviour?
You aren't actually punishing him if he doesn't know, but if you send it back but talk to him about pulling himself together, and say he can have it as an end of year gift if he improves at college and sorts out his job.
I would probably start the morning by regifting the gift then give him the smaller things.

[Coolaschmoola]

As someone who teaches in a college, they don't suspend for little things. That coupled with everything else makes me think he's on a downward spiral behaviourally.

He sounds like he's on the point of going one way or the other.

I'd tell him I'd got it, but I wouldn't give it to him until the end of the summer term on the condition that he passes the year, doesn't get in any more trouble and sorts his behaviour and attitude out.

So he can still have the phone - when he starts deserving it.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

I was just going to say regift the mother’s day gift. Wrap it up as the piece de resistance.

Give him the other gifts. Then get him to earn the phone through good attitude or finding and sticking to another job etc.

[deadringer]

If I am honest I would give him his gift after buying it for him, I just wouldn't have the heart not to. I don't think special occasions should be used to make a point. If he is a selfish little shit and needs a good talking to I would do it no problem, but separate to his birthday. (I have DC age 27 25 and 19 as well as younger ones so not clueless about older dc)

[bridgetreilly]

I would give him the birthday gifts as planned. He's still your son and it's still his birthday and neither of those things are dependent on his behaviour or his own lack of effort for your birthday/mother's day etc.

But I would address the rest of the issues separately. No cash handouts to make up for not having a job. Expectations re. college and consequences for not meeting them. There's some serious concerns, I agree, and you need to address them. Withholding a birthday present won't do that.

[AjasLipstick]

My cousin's Mother did this to her once when she was 17 and she has NEVER forgiven her Mother.

She said the utter desolation of that miserable Birthday made her feel differently to her Mum than she had before and they've never really been close since.

[Buster72]

If it's any guideline my DD was arrested on her 16th for shoplifting. Yes we cancelled her party.