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Looking after DPs exes new baby.

(176 Posts)
CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 15:55:01

DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8

His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.

Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?

feelinggoodinspring Tue 03-Apr-18 16:15:09

Even if it means extra care of the children when the baby is born, isn't that seen as wrong when it's the other way around and the dad is having a baby with his partner? The children being pushed out and all that...

GooodMythicalMorning Tue 03-Apr-18 16:15:34

Haha nope. Only in an emergency

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 16:15:49

My DP is the "new" younger sibling in this scenario and his older siblings' "other" parent (i.e. your DP in your situation) definitely looked after him occasionally. I guess their relationship is like that of an aunt/nephew - it's all just extended family. Personally I would hate the thought of my kids having siblings I had no relationship with

See this worries me a bit. What happens when the baby is a bit older and the DC are coming to us and this baby has to watch their siblings leave and they're left behind? Quite sad really or maybe not at all because there's going to be such a big age gap that it might not impact at all on new DC.

JustVent Tue 03-Apr-18 16:16:58

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pigeondujour Tue 03-Apr-18 16:17:14

Bit conflicted about this because I think it's a really cheeky assumption of her to make but I also think it would be nice for all four kids for you and DP to have a relationship with new baby and for he or she to be welcome at your house and vice versa when it's a bit older. I don't think the baby is 'nothing to do with you' iyswim but I also don't think any parent should automatically assume that childcare will be available from anyone but the baby's parents.

ohreallyohreallyoh Tue 03-Apr-18 16:17:16

he was living with her for a few months and we didn't even know, she told the kids not to tell their dadhmm. The whole thing's been a bit of a shock tbh. This is her first relationship in years, I just don't know what the hurry is

She is an adult who can do what she wants. She told the children not to tell their dad because she knew you would judge her.

PeanutButterLips Tue 03-Apr-18 16:17:19

I have family that I don't see regular, whose DS from new relationship, goes with (sister) DD from previous relationship to her grandparents house. Sleeps over and everything! Even calls the grandparents 'grandad and grandma' I do find it weird but it works for them!
The grandparents turned up to the recent wedding and had pictures too! Even though 20 years ago they were standing there as in-laws. Now its ex in-laws.

TheCrystalChandelier Tue 03-Apr-18 16:17:54

The assumption is weird, but I’m not so sure that the act is that unusual as this baby will of course be your DP’s children’s sibling, so there may be times when the older DC might want them to come over with them or when the younger DC might want to be with his siblings or go where they’re going, and assuming it’s e.g. a day out or a play I don’t necessarily see the issue.

I knew a couple who had a child who stayed with the woman’s ex when they went away because that meant she got to stay with her older sister. On the surface I thought it odd but actuly I think it’s a good thing if they have that amicable a relationship that the ex is prepared to have her child from her new marriage overnight.

My ex has a child with his partner and although we don’t have that kind of relationship, should the DC want to see his siblings or mine and my ex’s DC want to bring him over or indeed look after him as my dc are teenagers he is without question welcome in my house.

RoadToRivendell Tue 03-Apr-18 16:18:04

That's pretty funny, actually!

unfortunateevents Tue 03-Apr-18 16:19:24

And presumably when you are stuck for childcare for your 8 year old you will be able to send her over to your ex and his DP as well? No? didn't think so.

greenyblue Tue 03-Apr-18 16:19:53

It seems an odd assumption/request, but at least it's nice you are all presumably on good enough terms that she would consider it!

Megs4x3 Tue 03-Apr-18 16:22:03

I used to know a lovely, lovely man who had 2 children that he had regular weekends and holidays when his relationship broke up. Then he met someone else and had another child with her. Then his ex had a baby and when he went to collect his children he often offered to take her child too on the basis that he was half-brother to his older ones and therefore family. However, it was when the little one was well beyond new-born and the offer came from him and his second wife, it wasn't a cheeky request/demand from his ex.

More front than Brighton - I love that! :-)

Arapaima Tue 03-Apr-18 16:23:30

Agree with others - it would be cheeky of her to assume, but would be nice if the new sibling was included to some extent as they get older. Not as a baby though (except in an emergency).

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 16:23:40

When My exDP and his GF have our DS he occasionally has my DS from my current relationship too but that’s by invitation and they’re only too happy to do it however, I would never in a million years impose upon them by demanding they provide childcare for me! She’s out of her tree

The oldest DC is not DPs but he doesn't treat them any differently, so both always come to us but oldest boys father is not in the picture she DP effectively is his dad.

HoHoHoHo Tue 03-Apr-18 16:26:09

I hope that the people saying the concept isn't weird would happily look after children born to their now DP and a new partner in the event of a split as they are their children's siblings.

Taking a child for a small amount of time for an emergency is one thing but helping out with a baby on a regular basis something else entirely!

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 16:27:19

She is an adult who can do what she wants. She told the children not to tell their dad because she knew you would judge her

Please stop making things up. Teaching children to keep secrets is wrong on so many levels. There was no problem with letting us know she'd met someone, we've been wishing for her to meet someone for years. We didn't even know she'd met someone, never mind that there he had been living there for months.

Funnily enough, when I met DP, she insisted on meeting me within weeks even though I hadn't even met the DC and didn't plan to for months.

MumofBoysx2 Tue 03-Apr-18 16:27:22

That's ridiculous, the other two children are his, so of course he'll want to have them over but the new baby is no connection to either of you, so why one earth would he be looking after him/her? Personally I'd love it as I love babies :-) but it's a cheeky request to say the least!! He can get out of it by saying that as he's having his children to stay he wants to give them his full attention and that would be difficult with the baby there as well.

elspinsdemariscal Tue 03-Apr-18 16:28:48

Bollocks.

Straight to the point!

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 16:28:58

And presumably when you are stuck for childcare for your 8 year old you will be able to send her over to your ex and his DP as well? No? didn't think so

Haha, absolutely not. I've been stuck many times and it's just not an option.

wildduckhunt Tue 03-Apr-18 16:29:18

* DP effectively is his dad.*

Ah so there's precedent. Because DP isn't his dad, and although the child and your DP might feel that way (which is their call to make), the ex clearly isn't differentiating and it sounds like she's seeing your DP taking 3.0 the same was as she sees him taking her eldest.

Takfujuimoto Tue 03-Apr-18 16:31:24

If people are ok doing this then that's up to them and I can see how it would or could divide half siblings in the future, but for her to just assume that it's a done deal is ridiculous

Also where does this end? If you agree now what happens if she has other babies?
You will end up as her unpaid private crèche!

This new baby has a dad already to share the care, if they need childcare they can pay for it.

Do you know if the new man is in agreement with her plan?

Petalflowers Tue 03-Apr-18 16:31:34

It sounds like gf is expecting you to have the baby on a regular basis. No way, unless you feel generous. Maybe when the baby is older, you can have days with all the siblings together, and it would be nice to form a relationship with the baby, in an Aunty sort of way.

diddl Tue 03-Apr-18 16:33:13

"there could be a negative impact on your step children’s lives "

They might also appreciate time without the baby & wonder why it should come along when neither Op nor her partner are a parent?

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 16:34:00

Ah so there's precedent. Because DP isn't his dad, and although the child and your DP might feel that way (which is their call to make), the ex clearly isn't differentiating and it sounds like she's seeing your DP taking 3.0 the same was as she sees him taking her eldest

Yes possibly could be this. We don't even really think about oldest boy not being DPs child, he's as much part of the family as our kids in every way.

Rikalaily Tue 03-Apr-18 16:47:50

She's having a laugh. I have 3 kids with my ex and 2 (soon to be 3) with my DH. I would never dream in a million years to ask ex to look after mine and DHs kids. Your DH raised the eldest as his own, so that situation is different to your DH looking after the new baby.

Btw, the kids will be fine with the set up and the new baby will too when they are older as it'swill just be how it's always been for them. My youngest think nothing of the older ones heading off to their dads, in fact it's a good chance to do things with the younger ones that the older ones arn't bothered about doing, soft play places etc.

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