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Looking after DPs exes new baby.

(176 Posts)
CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 15:55:01

DP has been split from his ex for years, they have 2 DC together who we have for weekends and holidays, they are 11 and 9. DP and I don't have any children together and don't want any more. I have 1 DC from a previous marriage, aged 8

His ex met her new partner about a year ago and is now pregnant, due next month. She works full-time as does her partner. When she told my DP about the new baby, she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..." and it was left at that, as DP was a bit stunned and speechless.

Now, that is strange isn't it? Of course this is not an option is it? It's cheeky isn't it? I know she doesn't mean every time we have the older 2 kids but I think she thinks if she's stuck we can take new baby. AIBU to think it's a bit weird?

Gide Tue 03-Apr-18 19:19:32

Blimey, I hope she doesn’t really imagine that you’ll merrily take her me baby? That’s crazy!

calmandbright Tue 03-Apr-18 19:19:38

I’d be totally cool with taking having my DP’s ex’s youngest child on occasion, if we were going out for a child friendly day or in an absolute emergency. DP sometimes watches the ex’s DC in emergencies but usually at ex’s house. But on a regular basis and ‘expected’...no fucking way! CF!! What planet does she live on?!

FranticallyPeaceful Tue 03-Apr-18 19:23:59

I have two children with my ex, and pregnant with my third with my new partner (I say new, we’ve been together about 5 years). Anyway when my ex found out he was excited that he gets to look after a new child when he has the kids.
The way he sees it is that they will be one little gang and he wouldn’t want to ever split them up or make them feel any differently, so when he explained it I really appreciated it and realised how grateful he was that he feels that way.

The truth is i don’t need childcare, he only takes them out to kids places or meals or whatever, we mostly go out all together... but the fact he was thinking of them as a whole and how our kids together would see his gesture, was indeed incredibly well thought out and appreciated.

FranticallyPeaceful Tue 03-Apr-18 19:24:39

How grateful I was*

AlbertaSimmons Tue 03-Apr-18 19:33:58

I'm veering between thinking this is hilarious cheeky fuckery and slightly scary stalkery. I think it's a bit scary that the baby isn't even born yet and she's trying to find a way to shoehorn it into her Ex's life confused. This has the potential to end badly IMO.

FranticallyPeaceful Tue 03-Apr-18 19:38:41

Have to agree the fact she brought it up and it wasn’t offered is super weird though

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 19:46:45

AlbertaSimmons

shock You know what, I think you're right. She never tells DP anything but couldn't wait to tell him about the baby. I suppose this is "none of his business" so why tell him?

mzcracker Tue 03-Apr-18 19:49:23

This can't be right. I actually laughed out loud. Not only is it bonkers but what does her new bloke think of proposed arrangement? Very strange and I can't imagine he would be ok with it.
She's not playing with a full deck.

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 19:57:36

mzcracker

I'd love to know what her new bloke thinks of it but DP never gets to see him or speak to him at pick up or drop offs. DP knows him slightly from years ago and says he's a really quiet passive person so reckons he may just go along with it.

Thebluedog Tue 03-Apr-18 20:04:14

grin that really has to be one of the cheekiest things I’ve heard in a long time, and that’s saying something for MN.

MissingPanda Tue 03-Apr-18 20:19:39

YANBU

The situation with the eldest is different as your DP took on a parenting role and he is effectively the only father s/he knows.

There's also the large age gap. They're 9 & 11 now and there is a big difference between looking after children of those ages and a baby. By the time baby is 2 the older two will be at least 11 & 13 and will most likely be spending more time with their friends even if they do still come to you for the weekend.

There's no way I'd be providing free childcare for a toddler who needs a lot more attention than older children.

OhBigHairyBollocks Tue 03-Apr-18 20:30:51

That is Cheeky Fucker with a cherry on top!

Quietlife1979 Tue 03-Apr-18 20:36:16

shock if that wasn’t a joke then I’d start putting a loose plan of how to deal with shit if she starts expecting the baby to come to you.

If she breaks up with new bloke and your already looking after their kid she might ask for extra money for the new baby ! 🙈😂

Butterymuffin Tue 03-Apr-18 20:43:37

Er, in an emergency would be one thing and you might do that, but not just because 'you're having the older two anyway'! Sounds like she's suddenly realising she will lose all her child free time, and has taken you two for mugs who will help her out.

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 20:44:48

If she breaks up with new bloke and your already looking after their kid she might ask for extra money for the new baby

Haha now that would be funny. But I do wonder what if she breaks up with new bloke, It's all just happened so fast and I know she struggled at times with childcare for the 2 DCs on her days and sometimes I would step in if DP was working and I was free.

Lizzie48 Tue 03-Apr-18 20:47:26

It's certainly a CF type of request if she really is asking your OH to look after her new baby. I would suggest that you need to say no to any such request, if it is indeed what she's asking. You know the saying, give an inch, she'll take a mile?

Motoko Tue 03-Apr-18 20:50:23

KalaLaka
Op's said she did mean them looking after the baby. It's quite clear in the first post:
she said "obviously we might need some help with child-care, it'd be much appreciated". DP thought she was joking and said "Oh our baby days are long gone but congratulations" and she said "Oh but you'll be having X and Y anyway so..."

AlbertaSimmons Tue 03-Apr-18 21:19:45

New bloke won't last the distance. He's served his purpose. SWF alert!

Winosaurus Tue 03-Apr-18 21:32:29

I am actually speechless hmm

Winosaurus Tue 03-Apr-18 21:32:58

Sorry that was meant to be a shocked face shock
She wins CF of the year award!!

Figgygal Tue 03-Apr-18 21:37:30

Is she usually so crackers?

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 22:34:41

Is she usually so crackers?

grin Well she has been known to be very unreasonable in the past, do as I say or not seeing the kids again kind of thing, changing arrangements very last minute but since meeting new bloke she's been much more reasonable and things are hunky dory.

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 22:37:08

New bloke won't last the distance. He's served his purpose. SWF alert!

What does SWF meanblush

AlbertaSimmons Tue 03-Apr-18 22:39:27

Single White Female. It was a film. Scary.

AlbertaSimmons Tue 03-Apr-18 22:41:23

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Single_White_Female

CupofFrothyCoffee Tue 03-Apr-18 22:53:14

Oh yeah, I should've known that, loved that filmgrin.

Petal02 Wed 04-Apr-18 14:45:36

I think it’s a bit scary that the baby isn’t even born yet and she’s trying to find a way to shoehorn it into her ex’s life. This has the potential to end badly IMO

Exactly. OP: beware.

Gemini69 Wed 04-Apr-18 14:54:03

why would your DP.. wish to bond with his ex and her partners Child ????? this is plain weird hmm

have you cleared the matter up with your DP OP flowers

Springtrolls Wed 04-Apr-18 15:20:51

Well I suppose she took the attitude of you don't know unless you ask grin

StormTreader Wed 04-Apr-18 15:25:36

"since meeting new bloke she's been much more reasonable and things are hunky dory."

Since meeting new bloke or since she knew she was pregnant?...

liquidgold5 Wed 04-Apr-18 15:38:27

My DP's kids stay with us every weekend, their mom has just had a new baby and they told us we need to get a cot for him so he can start staying over too! When explained to them that the baby has a different daddy they say "No he has 2 daddy's!" 🤣

mzcracker Wed 04-Apr-18 15:48:43

Liquidgold bloody hell!! I can't believe people are this cheeky! It's just really strange. I've never heard of this except in one case a friend married a guy who had children with an ex. He is not the father of the eldest child but takes them all for weekends. In his case he was the step parent for a significant period of time in the child's life. That's the only situation I could see that it would be ok.

qwertyuiopy Wed 04-Apr-18 16:07:44

That's weird. The only time I have ever seen anything like this is with SIL who had a child as a schoolgirl and several more, with several fathers, spanning nearly 20 years. The eldest would sometimes take the youngest out when she was meeting with her dad who was nothing to do with the baby. But it was DN's responsibility to look after her sister, not her dad's!

Petal02 Wed 04-Apr-18 16:39:06

Liquidgold I do hope your DP has been VERY clear that the ex's new baby will not be staying over too ????? She'll be wanting maintenance for the new baby next!!!

IncyWincyGrownUp Wed 04-Apr-18 16:45:44

I think in liquidgold’s example it’s the children blethering on, not the other adult.

Gemini69 Wed 04-Apr-18 16:48:48

OP your DP isn't Bob Geldof is it ... ?

CupofFrothyCoffee Wed 04-Apr-18 17:23:58

have you cleared the matter up with your DP OP

We both are saying it's an absolute no, except emergencies...but if she asks in front of the kids I think DP will crumble.

OP your DP isn't Bob Geldof is it ... ?
grin Not Sir Bob no.

Drainedandconfused Wed 04-Apr-18 18:10:00

My exH and I looked after his exW baby when she was taken into hospital with anorexia/mental health issues, we had him for just over 2 weeks as well as my 2 stepdaughters. My DS was a couple of months old so we had 3 pre teens (my DD too) and 2 babies and it was great.
I often looked after her DS after that.
Your situation is completely different and no you have no obligation to look after her baby, totally ridiculous.

liquidgold5 Wed 04-Apr-18 18:22:35

Yeah sorry everyone I meant the kids say it not the ex! Haha

Jessikita Wed 04-Apr-18 18:29:06

My husband has 2 children from before. His ex has gone on to have 3 more children.

I have had one of her daughter’s over to play, but it wasn’t to do with childcare or anything, it was my idea. My daughter is only 4 and gets a bit confused that her sister has the same Dad but I’m not her Mum aswell and she “goes home.” She doesn’t understand why my stepdaughter’s sister, is also not her sister as well.

My situation is a bit different though.

In this case I certainly wouldn’t be looking after a baby of someone else’s especially as in my opinion she didn’t even “ask” properly. It was a cheeky fucker request.

Tistheseason17 Wed 04-Apr-18 18:48:03

but if she asks in front of the kids I think DP will crumble

Can you not have a discussion with her before it comes to this? And be straight and tell her not to try this?

Honestly, if she did this to me in front of my kids I would make a show of her. "Oh, but, xxx, we had this chat already and I said it was not possible. Seems a little unfair to say in front of the children when we agreed you wouldn't do this..but hey, that's what you do isn't it?" and then I'd leave.

But I am very intolerant of CFs who try and manipulate me and that would not be for everyone! grin

ChasedByBees Wed 04-Apr-18 19:09:21

She is funny! I think you should bring it up and clarify it before you’re put on the spot.

CupofFrothyCoffee Wed 04-Apr-18 19:53:23

Honestly, if she did this to me in front of my kids I would make a show of her. "Oh, but, xxx, we had this chat already and I said it was not possible. Seems a little unfair to say in front of the children when we agreed you wouldn't do this..but hey, that's what you do isn't it?" and then I'd leave

Yeah I think that's what DP will have to say, something along those lines. I'll toughen him upgrin.

Tistheseason17 Wed 04-Apr-18 20:14:35

grin

lookingforaline18 Wed 04-Apr-18 20:22:32

My Ds is friends with dp's ex's son who is the same age. This isn't something we have pushed on to them ,its happened naturally as they are in the same class at school. If in the future we invite him round to our house, its because of their friendship and nothing to do with their shared sibling. Otherwise the thought wouldn't even cross my mind.

Roomba Wed 04-Apr-18 20:41:12

Yeah, she's bonkers. This isn't the usual arrangement at all - I've gathered this when I've spoken to people about how me and my ex manage our DC, now he's married to someone else and they have a small child too. I have occasionally had their child round to play and babysat for her. Fair enough and I accept we're the odd ones.

I have only done this because, to be honest, I really like my ex's wife (she hasn't seen through his crap yet, it appears) and their child is utterly adorable. She's also my children's sister, so I encourage them to have a good relationship with her and with their stepmother. She's far more reasonable/responsible than my ex and I'm honestly happier that my kids are being looked after when she is there than I am when it's just their Dad. If I didn't get on well with her, there's no chance things would be as they are. But I'm happy when she has my kids in her care and it seems she's happy to have her child in my care .

It is once every couple of months though, or in event of emergency, not a regular event so they can go to the pub on Friday nights or similar! And it didn't happen when their child was a small baby. I think she was about 18m old when I first took her out for the day with my DC and she had tea at mine afterwards. She jumps up and down and yells 'Yay! Roomba's coming!' when I'm coming round, apparently grin

Roomba Wed 04-Apr-18 20:50:49

I think my situation is a bit different as I asked my ex and wife if they wanted me to have their DD some time, so she could play with her siblings at mine given we all get on well. If they'd come to ME and asked, nay assumed, that I'd be happy to have her, the response would have been very different!!

CupofFrothyCoffee Wed 04-Apr-18 21:09:41

That sounds like a really lovely set up Roomba. It's great when everyone gets along. I think the ages of the kids makes a difference too, if there's a smaller gap they could all play together.

RaeNoctem Sat 29-Dec-18 20:31:12

Definitely a difficult situation.

But I think you and your DP need to be clear. Whilst you are happy to have this new child occassionally spend time with their siblings, it isn't ok to look after the child everytime. The child is neither of yours so unfair to take them everytime, however on the odd occasion when he/she is a little older, so the child can have a healthy relationship with their half-siblings and with the half siblings father, as there is still a connection there through the children no matter what.

Hope you get all sorted. All my best.

Moretinsel Sat 29-Dec-18 20:37:24

Ooh that’s an old thread!

mummmy2017 Sat 29-Dec-18 20:40:17

Tell DP point blank if he brings a baby home you will be out the backdoor for a girly day, he will be changing poo and getting sicked on.

CripsSandwiches Sat 29-Dec-18 21:01:06

I don't even think there's any need for you to even occasionally take the baby (especially as she's obviously a massive piss-taker). The age difference is so huge it's not like the kids will be interested in the same activities so you'll probably have one of you occupied with the baby while everyone else does bowling or whatever.

bifflediffle Sat 29-Dec-18 21:02:56

Zombie 🧟‍♂️

currentcake Sat 29-Dec-18 21:06:17

That is some serious baby brain going on there the mad cow

HidingFromMyKids Sat 29-Dec-18 21:08:18

Come and update us OP!
Has she had the baby yet?
Have you looked after the baby? grin

jessstan2 Sat 29-Dec-18 21:08:31

She obviously thinks of you as friends, I doubt she meant you should have her baby all the time but she may ask you to mind her occasionally. The baby will be related to the other children after all.

Don't take it too seriously but be prepared to look after the new baby sometimes, it will be nice for the other kids.

caringcarer Sat 29-Dec-18 21:09:34

My sister occasionally looks after her ex dil's new baby with new partner at same time she takes her own 2 dgc. She kept friendly with ex dil as she was worried she would be denied access to her dgc. Then when ex dil got pregnant from cheating on my nephew and they subsequently split up my dsis has on occasion looked after new baby. Her view is it is not the baby fault and if her ex dil does not work she will expect more child support from my nephew. On one occasion when my dsis was going to have all 3 but had to go to funeral I stepped in and looked after all 3. Not a big deal. It is only occasional.

YearOfYouRemember Sat 29-Dec-18 21:12:40

@CupOfFrothyCoffee - someone brought this thread up again. Has the baby been born yet? Have you babysat?!

slashlover Sat 29-Dec-18 21:14:23

Come and update us OP!
Has she had the baby yet?

This was posted 9 months ago so probably!

Bertiebitch32 Sat 29-Dec-18 21:16:22

I know this thread has been resurrected but what a cf your dh ex is ! I'd be laughing in her face if she said that and I'd act if it was a joke

Giraffey1 Sat 29-Dec-18 21:17:03

Wonder what happened, perhaps the OP can come back and update us!

slashlover Sat 29-Dec-18 21:19:34

I don't understand how people find and then think it's a good idea to reply to old threads. What was @RaeNoctem searching for?

abbsisspartacus Sat 29-Dec-18 21:21:37

The mirror published this it popped up in my newsreels today!

Tiny2018 Sat 29-Dec-18 21:28:47

Good God OP, this is absolute madness.
I can't even comprehend how anyone would find this to be acceptable x

Lookatyourwatchnow Sat 29-Dec-18 21:33:08

Come back OP!

colorao Sat 29-Dec-18 21:34:38

I used to go on holidays to my older half sister's house. My dad and his ex wife married very young (at a time when they were expected to because she fell pregnant). My dad's ex wife always treated me like one of the family and my DC have a relationship with her and her DH. I think it depends on the dynamics, my dad and his ex wife split on good terms. I never thought it was a weird set up until a friend at secondary school was gobsmacked that I was off to stay at my sister's for Easter.

However, I don't think my parents ever expected dad's ex wife to provide childcare, they just ALL wanted us as siblings to have a close relationship. There is 13 years between us also.

I do think in your scenario she is a CF to expect childcare.

Skittlesandbeer Sat 29-Dec-18 21:40:23

Your DP’s ex has clearly enjoyed her free time in the past, when the kids stay with you. She’s only just done the maths that she’ll be shackled to a baby again, and doesn’t like it. She’s holding onto the last shreds of denial, as she watches those cafe dates, weekends away, romantic afternoons drift away...

You have to admit, it was a pretty creative way of trying to keep hold of her old life... hilarious! Perhaps you should offer to look after the baby yourself, at her house. That would keep down the mess, while the older kids stay at yours with their dad, and give you the chance to do a bit of housework for them at the same time. grin

Holidayshopping Sat 29-Dec-18 21:45:26

I presume she’s had the baby now.

Can we have an update @CupofFrothyCoffee

AWishForWingsThatWork Sat 29-Dec-18 21:48:24

Yikes!

While I hope the baby arrived safely and is healthy, it is certainly not your or your DH's responsibility to provide childcare! Hope you have stood your reasonable ground!

Singlenotsingle Sat 29-Dec-18 21:51:49

CF
biscuit for her, not you.

PatMustardsMoustache Sat 29-Dec-18 22:06:49

Ok, so this one is complicated...

EXDH and I have 2 DC
He remarried and his DW already had 2 DC
I went on to have another DC with my DP
EXDH divorces again
His EXDW goes on to have another DC with her new DP.

I will willingly have her 3 DC and vice a versa, we see them weekly.

Occasionally my 3 DC will go to EXDH.
However her 3 will not go to him.

😅

Cherries101 Sat 29-Dec-18 22:33:01

Just tell her that if she tries to drop the baby off with the other kids, you’ll tell the police the baby was abandoned. Be firm.

blackteasplease Sat 29-Dec-18 22:44:07

Why so many old threads resurrected today?

abbsisspartacus Sat 29-Dec-18 23:41:41

It's the holidays 🤷‍♀️

Jimdandy Sat 29-Dec-18 23:58:47

I think she was rude and presumptuous the way she went about it.

I wouldn’t like to have been used for free childcare so she can have a break or go gallivanting on a regular basis, but emergencies, funerals or one off hospital appointments or whatever I’d do a favour if I was on good terms with her. Like I would for any friend.

RaeNoctem Sun 27-Jan-19 01:16:26

This post only just came up for me, didn't immediately realise it was an old post. I wasn't searching, just giving opinion @slashlover

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