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To think my friend is being ridiculous?

(473 Posts)
Galadrielsring Sun 01-Apr-18 12:21:42

I’m 15 weeks pregnant.

Was at a party last night and chatting to friends and was asked if I wanted a boy or girl. Replied that I didn’t mind as long as it was healthy. Carried on the night having a laugh and joke as we usually do.

Woke up this morning to a massive long email from one of the friends husbands, the jist of it saying I’m hugely insensitive and have really upset my friend who has been in tears all night, as by saying that I only want a healthy baby invalidates their daughters (who had cerebral palsy) life, that I owe them a ‘big big apology’ and that they don’t think they can be friends with someone with my attitude towards disability.

I’m struggling to see what I did wrong here. Surely everyone wishes for a healthy baby?
I don’t know whether to reply or just leave it as 1) I don’t think I have to explain myself and 2)if such a casual comment, one I’m sure everyone has possibly thought, can upset her then surely anything else I have to say could go the same way.

Is there something I’m missing? Was I in the wrong?


WillowWept Mon 02-Apr-18 22:12:08

There is a significant difference between answering

"I'm hoping for a healthy baby"


"I don't mind as long as it's healthy"

The latter comes across very harsh in face of parents who have a child with a disability, the clear undertone being I will mind if it's not healthy.

But I agree with BBCEssex why the drama? If you don't want to apologise don't buy don't be surprised if you lose a friend that you love.

Apologising that someone's upset but not for what you said is an awful thing to do. It's a non apology and highlights the fact you doubt feel sorry at all.

BarbarianMum Mon 02-Apr-18 23:22:50

But, but, I would mind if my child was disabled (born with a disability or acquired). Yes I'd get over it and of course I'd love them as much and (depending on the type and severity of disability) I may well learn to embrace it and come to accept it as part of who they are and find the posotives. But my initial reaction is never going to be "oh that's great".

I think judging people for an initial negative reaction to such news is quite cruel actually.

QuackPorridgeBacon Mon 02-Apr-18 23:33:30

BarbarianMum That’s it exactly. There is initial worry about the situation and understanding it. Then you hate it and you hate that your child is in pain, you are terrified of how to do things. And that comes after holding onto hope that your child is even alive by then end of the day. (In my case anyway) it’s all awful. And even once you come to accept it you don’t want it to be true, it’s horrible and it’s hard and it all feels unnatural. Even when you think you have accepted it, something new happens to throw you. You train and train hard to get them home then once home (I did this) I called the hospital after a particularly hard day and begged them to take her back as I couldn’t do it it was too hard. I had people calling me awful names and threatening to be done with me if I didn’t keep her at home and get on with things. It made it harder so I ignored the symptoms of my depression and anxiety and I eventually found out I had PTSD. It was only when admitting it to myself that I did hate her condition, I hated what it put her through, I hated how it separated our little family when we should have been all together starting our new chapter. I hated having to hurt my child everyday and she didn’t understand why. I hated that I couldn’t hear her cry and realised on a machine to know if she was in distress at night. I hated it all. And once I admitted all that, I started to appreciate her and I bonded with her and that bond is getting stronger everyday. This is her life, this is now ours, we know her personality and she is hard work, but she makes us laugh so much sometimes that we can forget everything. She is amazing. And I could never change her or what happened because I now know her, I know who she is and I can imagine who she will become and it all makes me smile. I would always take away her pain if I could. But now I tell myself I would lose who she is and I can deal with it. No way would I ever make someone feel guilty for wanting exactly what I did for a long, long time. A healthy baby, that didn’t have to fight or be hurt and could just be happy and accept a cuddle from her mummy and enjoy it. I wouldn’t begrudge someone wanting that just because I didn’t get it to begin with.

Coyoacan Tue 03-Apr-18 04:02:59

the clear undertone being I will mind if it's not healthy

I mind if my adult dd has a cold, let alone not minding if I had a sick baby.

AnxiousNewUser Tue 03-Apr-18 07:00:36

**See I always take 'as long as its healthy' as 'as long as they get here' and that's what I meant when asked re dc2 as we had lots of challenges with that pregnancy.

Yes - miscarriage and, to a lesser extent, stillbirth are common, so I always assumed that it was a euphemistic way of saying "I don't care what's between its legs as long as I get to take a live baby home" (and nothing at all to do with saying that you'd reject or wouldn't love a child with disabilities). My father used the "as long as it's healthy" response word for word when I speculated on the sex of my future niece or nephew, and it was clear from the way he said it that he was reliving the trauma of his own child's neonatal death several decades earlier.

Galadrielsring Tue 03-Apr-18 07:51:28

@willowwept your last paragraph is exactly why I was unsure of an apology. I’m not sorry for what I said. I do not wish for an unhealthy child or one with a disability. So apologising for what I said seems hypocritical. I will explain that it wasn’t intended to upset her but I don’t take it back.

@quackporridgebacon your post had me welling up. Your dd is lucky to have such an amazing family.

Lizzie48 Tue 03-Apr-18 08:12:26

You need to establish first whether there is an issue at all. Your friend hasn't actually said anything to you about this, has she? She didn't even mention her husband's email, so I'd put money on her not knowing that he sent it.

It's more likely that your comment triggered something in her from her own pregnancy with her DD and she got very upset that her baby wasn't born without a disability. She's allowed to be upset, but she hasn't burdened you with it precisely because she knows you didn't mean to to upset her. That or it's entirely her DH's issue.

I would say, be careful not to turn this into an issue if it actually isn't one.

Lizzie48 Tue 03-Apr-18 08:12:29

You need to establish first whether there is an issue at all. Your friend hasn't actually said anything to you about this, has she? She didn't even mention her husband's email, so I'd put money on her not knowing that he sent it.

It's more likely that your comment triggered something in her from her own pregnancy with her DD and she got very upset that her baby wasn't born without a disability. She's allowed to be upset, but she hasn't burdened you with it precisely because she knows you didn't mean to to upset her. That or it's entirely her DH's issue.

I would say, be careful not to turn this into an issue if it actually isn't one.

counselsadvice Tue 03-Apr-18 09:15:54

YANBU. My youngest has CP and whilst I love him to bits I wouldn't actually wish that on anyone else. Of course you want a healthy baby! Obviously it does depend on exactly how it was phrased at the time but it does sound like she being very over sensitive.

willynillypie Tue 03-Apr-18 10:33:10


Quite! I always say "as long as he is healthy" and that also (and in fact mostly) includes just having a baby who is alive!

OP YANBU at all. I would be very annoyed if I were you that someone was questioning my attitude given everything you do for their DD, and how it sounds like you dote on her. And I agree with you that there's nothing wrong to wish for a healthy child, and why would you apologise for something you meant? You could tell your friend you are sorry if what you said caused offence, but I would not retract the actual statement.

There are some really incredible and brave mothers on here - looking at you QuackPorridgeBacon

QuackPorridgeBacon Tue 03-Apr-18 10:42:34

Galadrielsring Thank you. It’s her dad that has held us all together, even with all his flaws lol

I’d definitely find out if she was aware but I wouldn’t apologise for what you said only that she got upset by it. If she did that is. Hopefully all works out fine between you both.

Thank you willynillypie. smile

UterusUterusGhali Tue 03-Apr-18 10:43:18

Why on earth would she ask as that's obviously the reply she'd get; it's what everyone says.

Does she usually make everything about her?

MargaretCavendish Tue 03-Apr-18 11:30:32

Why on earth would she ask as that's obviously the reply she'd get; it's what everyone says.

Obviously you haven't RTFT! She didn't ask, someone else in a group conversation did.

I actually haven't ever used that phrase, which I know is common but always seems a bit sanctimonious to me. I just said 'I'll be just as happy either way!', which seems to get the job done just as well.

Cornishclio Tue 03-Apr-18 23:10:12

I think considering her DH says he doesn't think they can be friends with you then you need to clarify with your "friend" as to whether she knows her DH sent you that email. It was decidedly unpleasant and bound to affect the way you see her and if you have upset her surely it is better to clear the air? You don't need to apologise as you have not done anything wrong but just ignoring it seems wrong if she was as upset as her DH claimed.

bluebird3 Wed 04-Apr-18 17:11:29

I think people are missing the point. Of course parents hope for a healthy baby, that's a given. But saying '^as long as it's healthy.'^ Is placing a judgement on the baby... that a healthy baby is better than an unhealthy one. And that is rude to say out loud to a parent of an 'unhealthy' child. It's basically saying 'I don't want a child like yours.' Or 'I want a healthy baby so they have a better/easier life than yours.' It's fine to have this thought in your head (most people would) but you need to know your audience when you speak.

That being said, it's a common phrase and if you haven't heard about this situation before and that it might be offensive to some people, then you could be forgiven for saying it without intention to cause offence. However, I think your steadfast refusal to apologise because you 'said nothing wrong,' is being tacky and caught up in semantics.

Nobody is asking you to apologise for the sentiment but I think you should for the fact you put your foot in your mouth by speaking without thinking. It's the same as saying, 'I'm so glad my mother is here,' to someone who recently lost their mum. Or 'I'm so glad I can get pregnant easily so we can plan exactly when we want our next lo' to someone who is infertile. Sentiment is fine, but it's insensitive to say. And you should apologise for what you said.

Lizzie48 Wed 04-Apr-18 17:22:12

The OP was due to see this friend today, I wonder how that went? Can you give us an update, OP?

niccyb Wed 04-Apr-18 19:12:41

Sorry but I cannot see your friends point. YANBU.
They asked you what you hoped for and you said a healthy baby.
I’m sure had your friend been asked when pregnant, she may have said the same thing as like you, that’s what we all wish for. It doesn’t mean to say that if a baby is born with a disability they would be loved any less.

mummyhaschangedhername Wed 04-Apr-18 19:29:01

Hmmm ... I think it's a very common thing to say and I think I probably said the same with my first.

I do admit I do cringe when I hear people say it now, I guess with life and my children and their issues I have learnt not to think that way. So I do cringe at people saying that. I think that given your knowledge of your friends child it was a little insensitive.

However, I do think you friend seemed to massively over react, I do understand her feeling a bit hurt, but it does seem her reaction is extreme plus she wouldn't have chosen to have a child with struggles so reality is it probably something she felt at one time too. I guess when you have a disabled child you can't see life without them and maybe wouldn't have changed it, I have two with ASD and I wouldn't change them despite their disabilities, plus I had a miscarriage and someone once told me it was for the best because there "may have been something wrong with it"but I would have loved the baby regardless.

So I would say it was insensitive but it really didn't warrant the reaction you got. How young is your friends baby? Is it recent? Perhaps she is having a hard time.

Galadrielsring Thu 05-Apr-18 07:08:34

@lizzie48 we’re meeting today. Taking the kids to the farm then going to a Wetherspoons for lunch. Haven’t really spoken to her other than a few texts regarding the plans. I’m going to wait until we’re having lunch to bring it up. No husbands will be there!

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie Thu 05-Apr-18 07:14:53

She is being very over sensitive. YANBU

Feb2018mumma Thu 05-Apr-18 07:21:34

When pepole asked me I said boy and DH said healthy and everyone was shocked like I hated all daughters! Why ask the question when that is the usual response by everyone? I'm sure they said it before birth? I would just say I'm so sorry I didn't want to pick a sex infront of everyone and I in no way meant to invalidate your daughters exsistence by hoping that my child isn't born unhealthy. In future I will not reply I want a healthy child, thank you for making me aware of my mistake!!! They can take it as sarcasm which they sound lie they probably will but better to reply? Also I have 2 chronic illnesses and my mum didn't get angry at hubby's response! Who would be angry someone wants a healthy child!

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens Thu 05-Apr-18 07:25:13

Ah such a tricky one. CP was a huge risk for my child, seems to have managed not to have it for which I thank our lucky stars. Either way I loved my child more than anything but.... I'm glad she doesn't have it.

It's worth talking about, but yes acknowledge her feelings but ask what else you could have said. Does anyone want a disability or illness for their child? Doesn't mean you would love them any less if they have one or think their life is any less valid.

Pootle40 Thu 05-Apr-18 07:33:11

Jeez. Sorry but I think a massive over-reaction.....this is more their issue than yours. But you will need to tread carefully if you value the friendship......bit odd that a friend would assume you're saying it as a slight on their situation?!

WineGummyBear Thu 05-Apr-18 07:45:29

It's a very common phrase, and not an unkind sentiment but in this context it was insensitive.

I cannot understand the posters calling them CFs, where's the compassion? His/her overreaction obviously comes from a place of great pain.

OP in your shoes I'd acknowledge it was insensitive and apologize for the upset caused.

MyNameIsNotSteven Thu 05-Apr-18 07:55:59

By their logic you also wouldn't value your own baby as much if he or she is not a health baby. Clearly that is just silly.

pasanda Thu 05-Apr-18 08:02:11

I hope it goes well today op. Do let us know if she knew anything about it. If it seems she didn't , I would be inclined to not say a word and carry on with your friendship the way it's always been.

Whenwillth1send Thu 05-Apr-18 08:09:21

This is a difficult one. On the one hand, you said something totally normal, without thinking and certainly without any intention of offending. You were relaxed and enjoying a party. On the other hand, people experiencing grief can be triggered by anything at all, and it's very possible what you said reminded her of what she doesn't have. However, she either needs to get counselling or come to terms with what has happened rather than expect everyone else to walk on eggshells every time they are near her to avoid hurting her feelings. I think if this isn't resolved your friendship will become distant quite fast.

Speakingmymind Thu 05-Apr-18 08:10:16

I have to agree with you OP, she is being ridiculous. Not RTFT but this friend is projecting her negative emotions onto something innocent you said. There was no malice in your words or any intent to cause harm, upset or make any sort of a point. A good friend would know that. A good friend would maybe bring it up with you later once they have calmed down and discuss it rationally. Tell you that they were hurt and talk it through but know inside that you never meant any pain to them.

Rather than come to terms with her life and work through her own issues / feelings, it is apparent it is easier for her to get angry and upset at you.

Lizzie48 Thu 05-Apr-18 09:51:45

But it does sound like it could be the DH's issue, so many PPs are overlooking the fact that the friend hasn't actually said anything about it. She may not even know about the email, or even be upset at all. The OP has said that she doesn't like her friend's DH.

dingdongdigeridoo Thu 05-Apr-18 12:53:55

This is on the Daily Mirror website today.

gearandloathing Thu 05-Apr-18 13:36:13

It's not that a healthy baby is any more valued than an unhealthy/ill /disabled one but if only for the child's own sake it is clearly going to be easier to live without a disability than with one.

Nothing wrong with wishing the best possible life for any child you have, without saying you would value a child with a disability any less.

I wouldn't apologise OP, have a chat to find out what the nub of the issue is, if your friend is willing to go there. Never apologise if you don't mean it - I hate it when people apologise for the sake of keeping the peace, as it stops you being true to yourself/your values.

By all means if you think you did something wrong, apologise - but a true apology has to be heartfelt or else it is worse than meaningless, it is a lie.

Lizzie48 Thu 05-Apr-18 13:59:14

If the friend did have a good cry once in the privacy of her own home, it's likely that the last thing she would have wanted was her husband to fire off an angry, ranting email to her friend. That's certainly how I would feel.

So if she does know, she will be mortified, as she will have known that she was being unreasonable in the cold light of day.

But in her shoes, I would want to know what my husband had done behind my back.

Mamadothehump Thu 05-Apr-18 15:01:40

Hope lunch went well op

WorkingBling Thu 05-Apr-18 15:09:31

Hope lunch went well.
I have a friend whose DS is severely autistic. She recently put a post on facebook (during autism awareness) with a link to an article making the point that autism awareness is good but "celebrating" autism isn't. Her point was that she loves her DS completely but she will NEVER be happy that he has autism. I have been thinking about that post off and on for days now because it's so true - we all want our children to be healthy and if they're not or have unique challenges, we still love them and believe in them but given a choice, we'd take those away.

Eatalot Thu 05-Apr-18 15:18:51

She didnt say that she wouldnt love or want the baby if it is not healthy. I find that fucking insulting to the op that anyone would think that. But she is right to want a healthy baby. Praying that your child doesnt get cancer is not offensive to the children and mums if children who do get cancer.

Galadrielsring Thu 05-Apr-18 20:11:14

Today went well. Friend was NOT upset with me - she said what Id said brought back memories of when she had her dts (4 years after having her dd) and felt guilty for wishing them healthy as it made HER feel like she was invalidating her dd for wanting children without disabilities. This has obviously come out in a drunken rant, her and her DH argued and her DH deduced it was my fault for causing it, hence the email (which she knew nothing about and was absolutely seething)

I’ll not be writing back as I know the mirror have got hold of this - I had to confess to her i’d posted on here as some of the details could be identifiable, which she was pissed about but isn’t blaming me.

Thank you for all the replies and advice. I’ll be namechanging now as she will obviously know my username if she looks this thread up!

category12 Thu 05-Apr-18 20:37:34

I'm glad your friendship is going to survive this, and glad the dh acted alone, as such. flowers

hereyougosuckmyassforensics Thu 05-Apr-18 20:44:17

Fucking lazy tabloids. I'm glad you sorted it all out.

Lizzie48 Thu 05-Apr-18 20:45:39

I'm glad you've both come through this with your friendship intact, OP, it never seemed likely that she was upset with you about your comment, especially with what you said about her DH, who sounds like a piece of work.

Don't feel bad about starting this thread. You were understandably upset and needed to vent, and MN is supposed to be anonymous, it's disgraceful that newspapers take advantage the way they do.

flowers for you and for your pregnancy

GabsAlot Thu 05-Apr-18 21:00:28

good to hear gal

hope everything ok with her dh he sounds nasty

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Thu 05-Apr-18 21:04:01

Jeez, I have a son born with a life-limiting illness. I wouldn't take offence to that, it's what we all want. hmm

Denjane01 Fri 06-Apr-18 05:43:34

Anyone who thinks this is insensitive is a m0ron. That is what everyone hope's for. They would be happier if you said " I hope my baby is born with a defect". Total m0rons....

Lizzie48 Fri 06-Apr-18 09:12:29

It seems the last 2 posters haven't read the thread. The friend didn't know about the email and was very angry with her DH. It really sounds as if he blamed the OP unfairly for an argument that he and his wife had, caused by too much alcohol.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 06-Apr-18 14:00:46

I have RTFT. My comment was about the friend's DH.

I already had DD1 when DS1 was diagnosed, and now have DD2 and DS2, I wished the younger 2 healthy even more strongly, because why would I wish such a serious, lifelong illness on any of my DC?

Lizzie48 Fri 06-Apr-18 14:13:03

I think the DH was blaming the OP for the row he had with his wife, not because he disagreed with her comment. It sounds like it was no more than a drunken rant. I suspect he was also trying to create a wedge between his wife and her friend the OP as well, sadly.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 06-Apr-18 14:18:51

I think he caused the row.

Lizzie48 Fri 06-Apr-18 14:21:37

I agree, it was all him. I think the OP's comment was just an excuse, it's very sad that he's caused so much stress, I think the friend would be much better off without him.

YourVagesty Fri 06-Apr-18 14:24:02

Your reply was a 'received phrase', i.e. a stock phrase that nobody puts any thought into. Your friend has overreacted I think.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 06-Apr-18 14:24:36

Hear, hear.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks Fri 06-Apr-18 14:25:54

That was to Lizzie.

YourVagesty RTFT.

SnobblyBobbly Fri 06-Apr-18 14:34:05

That kind of thing would mark the beginning of a phase out for me.

So what next? You can’t be happy when your baby reaches any milestone that their child hasn’t reached?

We have two (differently) disabled children within our friendship group - if we got offended about comments like that, we wouldn’t be able to mention the children at all!

mommy2018 Fri 06-Apr-18 16:10:42

massive overreaction.
2 of my kids were born with disabilities and I almost lost the eldest hours after the birth. It didn't stop me from saying "I don't care I just want them to be healthy." And it certainly didn't invalidate my eldests life, in fact he actually told me he was worried that 1 of his sister's (the next eldest) would be like him "cos it's really hard and hurts"
Of course I love all my kids the same amount but I did mourn the loss of certain things when my youngest was born and diagnosed with the same condition as her brother, (he burst into tears when we told him 😢). You have done nothing wrong and I think no matter what you say they will take offense at, so I would simply leave it at, "I am sorry if you misunderstood my meaning and this caused you to get upset"

QuackPorridgeBacon Fri 06-Apr-18 16:26:44

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks I reckon I’ll be the same. I have 1st daughter who is fine, 2nd daughter who was born very sick and I will have a third one day and heathy is all I care about. I want them to be healthy so badly, I don’t want any issues like our second, which is now 5% higher chance of happening but I really want them to be healthy more than I’ve wished any baby to be healthy. Selfishly I couldn’t go through it again and I couldn’t watch another child go through it again. To the point I would probably make very different decisions. Anyone who takes that wrong is deluded. Why on earth would I want a baby that isn’t healthy? I would love them and I’d learn to bond with them differently like I have my daughter but I wouldn’t want them to be that way.

QuackPorridgeBacon Fri 06-Apr-18 16:30:19

mommy2018 oh god that’s awful. Your poor son. It must have hurt you both so much. I hope all your children are coping well, and yourself. I won’t pry but I won’t wish things to be better incase that isn’t possible. I hope that doesn’t sound horrible.

SurfnTerfFantasticmissfoxy Fri 06-Apr-18 16:37:18

FFS I think they have taken something to heart that was in no way directed toward them or their daughter. No one wishes or hopes for a child with disabilities or health problems, it doesn't mean they aren't very loved when they arrive. I would explain to them it was a standard reply to a standard question and in no way related to them or their daughter but you are sorry if they felt offended as that was never your intent.

Lizzie48 Fri 06-Apr-18 16:42:11

Except that the friend herself wasn't upset by the OP's comment, it was her dickhead of a husband. He's come very close to sabotaging the very good friendship his wife has with the OP. Thankfully it looks like he hasn't succeeded.

TheRagingGirl Fri 06-Apr-18 16:51:28


So it’s insensitive to say you want a healthy baby, but NOT insensitive to ask whether you’d prefer one sex over the other.

Imagine if you had answered that you’d prefer one sex over the other? Cue all parents of the non-preferred sex texting you to call you insensitive.

It’s ridiculous.

mommy2018 Fri 06-Apr-18 21:40:07

@quack not at all. My son was able to have an operation a year ago to correct the physical disability and while it's no cure and will eventually return but it has reduced his pain to non exsistant (as long as he doesn't exert himself). We have a few years to wait before youngest can have the operation as at her age (5) it could cause more issues or not help at all.
They have a chromosome duplication that I passed to them unknowingly. It has many things connected to it but it's quite rare, so unknown who will get which conditions. I am non symptamatically for example but the eldest and youngest both have congenital Lympoedema, heart murmurs, gdd, and possible Adhd in youngest. With the exception of the 1st these are the fairly "easy" conditions and so far have been lucky as there are links to abdominal tumours, cardiac defects and obesity.
It was harder in the beginning with my son as nobody had any idea what was happening just that he was poorly. It wasn't until my youngest was born (and genetic blood testing was done automatically) that we found the answers) and with answers came a much "easier" life for all of us.

QuackPorridgeBacon Sat 07-Apr-18 10:00:19

mommy2018 Your kids sound very brave. I hope that when your daughter can have surgery that it helps her as much as it has her brother. Hopefully they both continue to avoid any of the more extreme ends of the condition.

Mrspotter12 Sat 07-Apr-18 11:59:22

As an AN mum I wouldn't have been offended BUT if I'd had a bad day, significant difficult situations etc and poss too much to drink then I may have reacted the same way (crying all night!). However I wouldn't want or need an apology the next morning!

talimom500 Sun 08-Apr-18 14:40:25

My career is working with people with disabilities, and I can honestly say that I love and value each and every one of them AS INDIVIDUALS. That said, I think this whole scenario is crazy. I've never known a parent of a child with a disability that finds "healthy" to be an offensive term or an unacceptable wish. Your reply didn't reference their daughter in any way, you didn't say, "well not a kid like theirs", and the fact that the mom heard it that way says a lot more about her than it does about you. If she sees every healthy child as "invalidating" her own daughter, I think that's quite concerning. I really feel that they are not very good friends and should probably be apologizing to you for sending such a spiteful and unsupportive email at a time that's supposed to be special to you.

Lizzie48 Sun 08-Apr-18 15:14:33

@talimom500 read the thread! The friend had nothing to do with the email and was very angry with her husband about it. He was blaming the OP for the row they'd had, it was a drunken rant. hmm

stayathomegardener Sun 08-Apr-18 15:22:12

Well done for resolving it and thanks for the update but really, ask HQ to take this thread down as I imagine if your friend is even a little bit upset regarding you posting her DH will now turn everything round to this to deflect from his email.

EC22 Sun 08-Apr-18 15:24:40

She’s being way too sensitive, everyone wants a healthy baby.

Lizzie48 Sun 08-Apr-18 15:31:42

I agree, @stayathomegardener because people are posting having only read the thread title. The friend wasn't upset with the OP at all.

Bodicea Sun 08-Apr-18 17:04:56

If they were that sensitive about the answer then they shouldn’t have asked such a loaded question !

Yours was a stock answer. She obviously knows that. She was looking for a fight for whatever reason. She possibly feels bitter towards pregnant women because of what happened to her.

Bodicea Sun 08-Apr-18 17:08:12

Sorry I realise now I’ve come to the thread late. And seen the update.

Glug44 Sun 08-Apr-18 17:10:47

OP knew the friend had a disabled baby and made the comment anyway. That is on a par with some of the worst things said to be about my infertility.

QuackPorridgeBacon Mon 09-Apr-18 01:31:45

Glug44 Really? Why would anyone be offended by the wish for a healthy baby? Why on earth would anyone not wish for that? We can love disabled people but hate their condition.

typcast Mon 09-Apr-18 02:24:12

Yanbu. I got asked that question so many times I responded like you almost automatically. (What do people expect you to say when they ask that? "I only want a boy - if it's a girl I'll put her up for adoption"??).
My brother had CP and when anyone is pregnant my mum says "as long as it's healthy" over and over like some sort of mantra. Because she knows what it's like to have a baby with disabilities and to watch them suffer. Not invalidating my DBs life - but it is clear his life would have been a lot bloody better if he had been born without CP.
Of course everyone wants a healthy baby - it's ridiculous to expect anyone to say otherwise.
Still - as others have said I'd still send a very sympathetic response, because she's upset and she's your friend and she's clearly having a tough time.

typcast Mon 09-Apr-18 02:26:41

Just seen the update- glad all is well with you and your friend! thanks

Galadrielsring Mon 09-Apr-18 10:21:05

Hi and thanks for the support.

Can I just ask for no one else to post as I’d rather this thread just went away rather than keep being pulled into active.


Wonderlass Tue 10-Apr-18 12:28:57

Was a bit tactless considering you knew her child.

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