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The way my husband has reacted

(132 Posts)
expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 21:59:52

My DD is due to start school next year (a long way away I know) and my DH and I are starting to consider where to send her to school. I am catholic (half practising) and he is staunchly atheist.

There are two schools in the area one is non denominational and the other is catholic. The catholic one far outshines the non dom in terms of HMIE reports (we're in Scotland) and we pretty much have childcare in place for the catholic school. For various reasons the non dom school would be more of a headache to sort out childcare for as we'd need to find a new childminder to do pick ups.

Anyway, I said to my husband today that I felt the catholic school would be the easiest option in terms of sorting childcare unless adequate childcare could be found for non denominational school.

He lost the plot that I am clearly brainwashed and he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school and now he's not speaking to me confused

I have gone over the conversation in my head and I've been balanced on both schools and said I'd be happy with either as long as child care is sorted.

I'm bloody angry that he's sulking like a teenager when all I've done is have a discussion.

I'm the one who does all the research about child minders, nurseries and schools as when I ask him it doesn't get done. All the childcare we've used in the past, I've made sure to organise a visit and make sure we're both happy so it riles me that he's being such an arse.

Aibu to tell him to fuck off and sort the schooling and childcare out by himself?

expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 22:01:31

I also can't abide folk who sneer at people who don't believe what they believe or mock them which I feel is what my husband was starting to do today

Brokenbiscuit Thu 08-Feb-18 22:02:48

No harm to tell him to sort it. I don't blame him though for not wanting a religious school. I wouldn't dream of sending my dc to a faith school.

Lunettesloupes Thu 08-Feb-18 22:05:22

You clearly prefer the Catholic school and have your ‘balanced’ arguments well rehearsed. YABU

Bunbunbunny Thu 08-Feb-18 22:05:27

Which school does your dd want to go to?

Brokenbiscuit Thu 08-Feb-18 22:05:29

X post. He has no right to sneer at you for your beliefs, obviously. Your opinions deserve respect, as do his. However, it's not unreasonable for him to dislike the idea of sending his dc to a religious school.

What did you agree before the kids were born about raising them as Catholics?

expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 22:05:57


I've told him I am happy to send DD to non denominational school. My issue is that he'll have a hissy fit about the catholic school where the after school care is sorted but he won't bother his arse to sort out after school care for the non dom school. It'll be left to me to run about like a blue arsed fly to get everything in place

Whatshallichoose Thu 08-Feb-18 22:06:09

Is your dd baptized Catholic? If not, will she get a place in a Catholic school? If she Is, presumably dh agreed to her baptism? In doing so he agreed for her to be raised as a Catholic and attending a Catholic school is a pretty obvious part of that

LindySprint Thu 08-Feb-18 22:07:18

I know what'll happen on this thread. Someone will say, 'let him sort it out then' - except of course he won't and you'll be left with no school place for your child at all, and you'll end up with 10x the problem you had in the first place.

I'd give him a time-limited window to come up with his business plan (transport; childcare; cost) for the non-Dom or go with your first preference.

And I say that as a non-fan of faith schools.

JassyRadlett Thu 08-Feb-18 22:08:09

Honestly? In your husband’s place I would have been annoyed. That’s not to say that being rude and abusive was ok.

But you present it on him like you’ve made the decision - and made it on the grounds of childcare - could come across like you’ve organised this so you can send your child to the school that promotes your faith. Rather than discussing the underlying issue - whether sending your child to a faith school is even an option you can both agree on. It sounds like you haven’t visited any schools and you’re already talking about which one is ‘easier’.

The choice of faith school or not faith school is a pretty major one in a marriage like yours, and way too important to be determined by childcare.

KindergartenKop Thu 08-Feb-18 22:09:57

Do you agree that children should be taught that hetrosexual relationships are superior to homosexual ones? Or are not taught about contraception? I know it seems a long way down the line to discuss these things when your child isn't 4 yet but it's worth thinking about. And if you think differently you then face the issue of contradicting/ undermining the teacher, which is dodgy ground.

However, if your dh has strong feelings then he needs to get involved.

newyearsameme80 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:10:11

He has every right to not want to send his dc to a faith school when he’s an atheist. But he has the responsibility to be involved in sorting the childcare.
How have you decided to work out other issues to do with your conflicting belief systems and how you raise your child?

Allthewaves Thu 08-Feb-18 22:10:24

So you sort out childcare for the Catholic school but not the other school - hardly balanced

expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 22:12:10

DD is not baptised but will get into school as not over subscribed.

DD's childcare has been in place since she was 6 months old so way before school was an issue. She'll be 4 next month so the current arrangements have been in place for a long time! Childminders round here are like hen's teeth so giving one up when I literally have no other option for childcare seems bonkers.

We discussed it when she was a baby and he seemed less averse to the idea. I've presented all the options to him and tried to work out how we could work childcare for both schools so no done deal at all. I'm pissed off that he won't lift a finger but will expect me to do all the organising.

Regularsizedrudy Thu 08-Feb-18 22:12:15

Yanbu. If he has such strong feelings on the matter he should get off his arse and sort it out. Not leave it all to you then throw a strop when you don’t do want he wants.

AgentProvocateur Thu 08-Feb-18 22:12:50

@whatshallochoose, it’s different in Scotland. You have a catchment non-dom school and usually a catchment catholic one. You don’t need to be a catholic to get in. You just choose.

Bunbunbunny Thu 08-Feb-18 22:12:58

Allthewaves ops current childminder can do the pick ups, she have to change if dd goes to non dom

kungpopanda Thu 08-Feb-18 22:13:16

Sorry OP, but this is an illustration of why 'mixed' (faith) marriages are an absolute minefield.
Presumably you attended a Catholic school. And your husband is ranting that 'he doesn't want any child of his anywhere near a faith school'; hmmm, so how does that make you feel? Does he respect your upbringing, your cultural hinterland? Does he fuck.

ferntwist Thu 08-Feb-18 22:14:26

YANBU. He sounds insufferable on this and very much taking you for granted. Send them to the good Catholic school.

expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 22:14:42


DD has been with childminder since she was 6 months and that's the school she picks up from. When we went with her, we weren't aware of her prefererences for school picking up as it was so far away it didn't cross our mind.

AnnieAnoniMouse Thu 08-Feb-18 22:15:51

It is irrelevant what this is about, he’s behaving like a twat going off on one when you were simply trying to have a conversation. That needs dealing with.

As for the school, I’d simply say ‘I’m happy for DD to go to the Non Dom school if that’s what you want, however, you will have to organise childcare otherwise she will be going to the C where we already have childcare in place’. Then just apply to the C school if he hasn’t sorted anything out.

Job done.

I wouldn’t send my kids to a C school unless it was virtually impossible to do anything else, however, I wouldn’t expect someone else to sort it out.

donquixotedelamancha Thu 08-Feb-18 22:16:07

Do you agree that children should be taught that hetrosexual relationships are superior to homosexual ones?

They will not be taught that explicitly. In the more traditional Catholic schools, the Catholic position will be pushed as the 'correct' line and the nett effect is to put across that view; but it's hardly indoctrination and most Catholic schools are more balanced and inclusive.

Or are not taught about contraception?

They absolutely will be taught about contraception.

And if you think differently you then face the issue of contradicting/ undermining the teacher, which is dodgy ground.

It really isn't on ethical issues like this. RE teachers job is not to tell kids what to think.

CotswoldStrife Thu 08-Feb-18 22:17:58

While his reaction does seem a bit over-the-top, from what you've put on here OP it doesn't come across as a discussion at all - you've just told him what you think should happen and lined up your reasons accordingly.

Would going to the Catholic school mean that you DD would stay with the same childminder or would your parents (or someone else) be collecting her?

greendale17 Thu 08-Feb-18 22:18:35

*Do you agree that children should be taught that hetrosexual relationships are superior to homosexual ones? Or are not taught about contraception?*

^Nonsense. My nieces go to a catholic school and they are taught about all forms of contraception.

expertonnothing Thu 08-Feb-18 22:19:24

cotswold childminder would be collecting

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