AIBU to refuse to 'fit in' with DF over Xmas

[xmasgrinch]

NC as Xmas bollocks. Please help. My parents are divorced, DM lives abroad, has done for years. I have a lot of siblings and this year she has arranged for the majority to visit her at xmas. This has left me with very few plans.

'D'F is insisting I drive 4 hours to his house to attend his Xmas eve party. I am working Xmas eve and don't want to do a 3 hour drive there and back after work so I politely declined. He's now refusing to speak to me and wont make another arrangement. He wont give my DC an xmas present unless he sees them in person between 24/12 and 31/1 (personal rule of his). 'D'F is not and has never been a positive person in my life but he is very rich.

AIBU to deny my DC an xmas gift from their granddad (in practical terms it will be the biggest gift they get - we are not rich) because I do not want to drive for 8 hours on xmas eve. Please be kind, I've had a really shitty week.

[allegretto]

Yanbu. Sounds like he's hard work!

[TheQueenOfWands]

Fuck that.

Are your children pay per view?

Do they want gifts with massive emotional strings attached?

And driving when you're tired and in possibly wanky weather is dangerous.

You stay home. Let him stew.

[xmasgrinch]

He's very hard work. Sent me a blank xmas card today. Blank - to prove he isn't speaking to me.

Yes, puppet dance for my pennies is right and 2 of my DB's dance like troopers. I wont, never have. But I feel bad for my DC. :(

[xmasgrinch]

It is dangerous and we are very rural.

And Ive been in hospital 2 x in last 3 weeks and he doesn't even know. FML.

[heyday]

It will be a nightmare drive on Christmas Eve: tell him you will visit early in the New Year! Is he really worth trying to appease? I take it you're primarily keeping in touch because he is wealthy but he really isn't treating you well.....sounds like the relationship is on his terms only.

[elQuintoConyo]

Don't feel bad for your DC - keep them away from this arsehole. They don't need the exposure to such cruelty.

[liquidrevolution]

I think the blank card is all you needed to make the decision really.

Your DC dont need that kind of shit in their lives. So what if they dont get a decent present because of it? At the end of the day he is the one missing out.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

A blank Xmas card?

Do not go, and from now on do your best to refuse to be manipulated by him.

[xmasgrinch]

'Pay per view' - well thats made me cry. Why is he such a knobhead? I just need someone to be kind to me and not make demands.

We've had no water and electricity on and off for days, everything feels shit and he just wont leave me alone.

I don't want a present. I am fine for money (not rich but fine) and don't want to play along. I worry that I am making choices on behalf of DC. Their cousins will get large gifts and they will be told if we don't go. It's hard. I know you are right, I need to hear it, but it is hard with gorgeous kids all festive and happy.

[Glumglowworm]

He’s a dick. You and your kids are better off without him, no matter how rich he is

Enjoy Christmas at home with your kids.

Block him on your phone so you don’t get any more passive aggressive manipulative bollocks. Chuck his stupid card in the bin. Ignore any more of his crap, refuse to engage with him at all unless he acts like a grown up and treats you like a grown up as well.

[PilarTernera]

YANBU

You are making choices on behalf of dc to protect them from his manipulation.

Have a lovely Christmas with your gorgeous dc

[xmasgrinch]

I put the card on the fire. I am heartbroken thou. I want my dad to love me. I have to accept him the way he is and let go.

I was severely neglected as a child and have a lot of issues as a result. But I can be kind to my kids, and have a lovely xmas.

[PurpleMinionMummy]

Don't feel bad for your dc. You are actually protecting them from his nonsense. That's far more valuable than ANY gift he will ever give them

[PanannyPanoo]

What would he say if you told him you had been in hospital twice this month, and are unable to drive? Would he come and visit you? or meet in a pub half way for lunch another day. Or does it have to be his at Xmas eve?
if you want to give your children the chance to see their granddad then you could suggest other options.
He sounds like a pretty negative influence though. I wouldn't be going out of my way to spend time with him.
So sorry you have a rubbish dad.

[xmasgrinch]

But he would give them £100 - £200 each and I cannot. How is it acceptable for me to deny them that when their cousins will have it?

I know you are right. I know I wont go, I am trying to find the way to explain.

[xmasgrinch]

Pananny - no he would not reply if I text that to him and would not speak if I said it. He doesn't care about me. I accept that, but it hurts. He cares about the image of the family all together for a photo call at xmas. He will pay for that.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

You’re doing your kids a favour by not exposing them to someone so toxic and unkind.

Kids pick up on these things.

He doesn’t sound capable of real love. But you are. So - he can fuck off. You don’t need him.

[TheQueenOfWands]

Money is just paper. It's no biggie.

Fewer gifts and a lovely snuggly Christmas at home or more presents and hours of driving in the cold and dark?

Meh. No contest.

They won't care.

[Tinselistacky]

Honestly all your dc want /need for Christmas is a lovely day and a happy dm. Don't risk your mh for such a twat. Your dc will feel guilty when they realise the man he is if you play his games for them - your job is to keep them safe, and that means their mh too.

[xmasgrinch]

Thanks so much.

So what do I say when they ask why their cousins got money and they didn't? How do I explain?

[RemainOptimistic]

Can you contact the other members of your family and let them know you've been in hospital? You don't have to let this man control the narrative.

Your DC are so much richer being with you and being loved than any amount of cash.

[RestingGrinchFace]

Unless you are betting on a massive inheretence from him I would just stop trying to appease him altogether. Your children won't care much about one gift.

[lalalalyra]

But he would give them £100 - £200 each and I cannot. How is it acceptable for me to deny them that when their cousins will have it?

You are not denying them it. He is.

When they ask you tell them that. "Grandad only gives presents to people who can go on Christmas Eve. I was working so we couldn't. I don't know why he has that rule, but he does."