To think I'm out of control and dangerous

[deerandthemoon]

Being totally honest here, but I think I need practical advice not a kicking.

I keep losing it. I lose my temper and I want to scream and I take it out on myself, punching myself in the face and yanking my hair out.

Obviously, it doesn't "help" but it's quite calming in an odd way.

But anyway, it obviously must be frightening for children to witness.

I should probably step away shouldn't I?

[KissesAX]

Is it your children you're talking about OP? Who else lives with you? Keep talking to us

[Anatidae]

Yes you do. That’s an awful thing for a child to witness and an awful thing to do to yourself.

You’ve recognised it as an issue so that’s positive. What triggers it? What escalates it? Any other issues?

Can you get some help? GP is a good start point.

[deerandthemoon]

You're being nicer than I deserve. Me, kids, husband.

[deerandthemoon]

No, I mean - I probably should leave, shouldn't I?

[OuchLegoHurts]

Don't 'step away'! That's the last thing your kids need. Take ownership of the problem and get help with your temper. We all have tempers, you just have to learn how to control it

[Anatidae]

Next time you feel like this, step out of the room of safe to do so.

Count slowly back from ten, focusing on what you can see, feel and hear. Describe them to yourself ‘I am touching the stair rail, I can see the radiator, I can smell dinner..’ breathe slowly.

Try it once. That’s immediate term. Mid and longer term you need to address why you are violent towards yourself. What triggers this? What support have you had? Etc ect

[deerandthemoon]

Yeah, I've tried, thanks, its easy to control your temper when you're calm, I have discovered. It's that old red mist.

[scatterbrainedstarfish]

What is it that is making you angry?

[ScipioAfricanus]

No, you should get help.

A few years ago I had a bad period where I genuinely thought I should leave my family and go and work full time away from them and send them some of my salary back. I thought they be better off than with me being there. A few months later I could see that wasn’t as logical as it seemed in that dark moment.

I have periods of great anger as part of my chronic illnesses. Have you been checked to see if there is a medical cause?

Please get help, either medical or therapy could make a huge difference to you and your ability to manage your anger.

[deerandthemoon]

Hard to say. Today I've been enraged to the point of weeping withfucking PC World but I know it isn't them who are the problem, in itself.

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Are you depressed? When I've felt like this it's because I'm depressed.

[Anatidae]

No Unless you are an active danger to others I wouldn’t leave.

I would urgently seek help. Call your GP today and tell them you are self harming in response to stress.

[SolidHair]

Sorry to state the obvious but could it be depression? It can manifest itself as terrible anger and rage. As others suggest, a trip to the GP would be a good place to start. Good luck

[SolidHair]

Crosspost with Maddingcrowd!

[deerandthemoon]

I won't tell the GP. I just don't know if it is better to step away from them. My own mother never hit herself like I do but I know my behaviour stems from hers and I do not want to pass this down.

[Branleuse]

you dont need to leave. You need some help. You sound massively overwhelmed and barely coping

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Even if you don't tell the GP about the angry outbursts, couldn't you go and say how you've been feeling generally. Honestly, anti depressants help you to deal with things calmly.

[deerandthemoon]

I know, but there's no real help for that, sadly!

Thanks. Sorry for such a stupid post.

[deerandthemoon]

I've tried just about every sort.

i hate them.

[LoniceraJaponica]

"I won't tell the GP."

Why not? Don't you want to get this sorted out? Running away won't help.

[ScipioAfricanus]

Please talk to someone. You can break the cycle of this behaviour even though it is difficult. I know because an NHS therapist told me so last week! My main trigger is driving and I get hugely angry with any slight bad behaviour of other drivers. I know this is connected to my general nervous system and low mood (in turn connected with my physical health). But in the moment I don’t tend to remember it. CBT or other therapy could really help you. Your GP is the place to start.

[scatterbrainedstarfish]

I would definitely go to your GP’s.
Would you be willing to try counselling?
I think reacting in this way can become a vicious circle because you can feel shame at how you behave and this contributes to your mood and emotions possibly causing a repeat.

[lurkingnotlurking]

You need help. Your family deserve to keep you and you deserve to keep your family. Stay together. You are not your mother. You can get help.

[gamerchick]

This behavior is going to scar your kids for the rest of their lives if you allow it to continue. You need to tell your GP. Can your bloke not come with you for support?

[Oakmaiden]

This sounds more like a type of self harm than violent anger.

It is not great, but not something to leave over. You are hurting yourself, not anyone else.

In the short term try to make sure you are in a different room before you act.

And go and see your GP. For me, things like this are very much linked to depression. It might not be the case for you, but the fact you think walking away from your family will be the best solution for all concerned indicates to me that you are not in a great place.