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to think that "two tier" birthday parties are mean?

(285 Posts)
haventkilledtheorchidyet Sat 02-Sep-17 17:10:09

I have never had any parties for my children where a proportion of the invitees are invited for a sleepover, and the rest go home. My view has always been that these provoke bad feelings in the ones who have to go home, somehow thinking they are "second tier" friends.

My poor DS, it seems, has been invited to one of these parties and will be coming home when others at the party are transported back for a sleepover.

Your views on this? I understand that some parents want to do exactly what their children want, maybe can't fit all children in their home for a sleepover, etc. but AIBU to expect parents to do the adult thing and treat all partygoers the same on the day, and perhaps have a sleepover at a different time?

I'm not looking forward to seeing my DS after this party sad

JoolsFH Tue 03-Oct-17 17:54:46

My daughter went to a party where 6 were asked to sleep over and 4 not. She was one of the 4. In the end two of the 4 didn't go so only 2 of them ended up going home. She wanted to go, but came home feeling horrible. I'll never let her go to a party like that again.

misshelena Tue 05-Sep-17 14:23:06


misshelena Tue 05-Sep-17 14:21:32

though still an issue if ur kid not invited, thought they were BFF

Thing is, everyone, including the bday child, has the right to decide who their bffs are. It's not ideal, but sometimes just because I see someone as my bff, doesn't mean that she sees me the same way. She may just see me as a "good friend'. Doesn't make her a bad person though.

Bday child can't invite the whole class due to lack of room or funds. He has to make the cut somewhere. But no matter where he makes that cut, the child closest to that cutting point is going to fee slighted.

houghtonk76 Tue 05-Sep-17 14:20:18

I'm genuinely asking in a way, as i have all this poo to come - DS is not even 2.5 yet; my major prob right now is having enough baby wipes go hand when he "gifts" me half-eaten food & weather to start potty training now (obviously not NOW - sick bug & all) or in Oct when he's 2.5 ☺

houghtonk76 Tue 05-Sep-17 14:16:58

Oh Shatnerswig, your a diamond! 😂 cheered me right up on a sickness bug day.
Fantastic posting - "you're not my real mum!" "Yes, I am, I gave ur siblings up for adoption in the 1980s" - it was acceptable then 😂😂!!!!

Your point brilliantly made & hilarious - will any of the shit we go thru with pre-teens & teens matter when they're 43 with a job, a mortgage, other halfs, bosses, etc????
Often wonder what became of the 13-19 year olds i worked with & the issues they had - many I'm sure are normal, working, adults now, with families of their own. Some could be 33 now, as when they were 18 i was 26 - frightening propect - am ancient!!

misshelena Tue 05-Sep-17 14:12:27

People are cheapening the word "bullying" by describing every snub as "bullying".

I've seen true bullying. Declining to invite someone to a sleepover is not "bullying", unless it's part of an extended and relentless campaign of exclusion and intimidation against the same child.

It's understandable to feel slighted on behalf of your dc. However, the bigger deal you make of it, the worse your dc is going to feel about the situation. Keep doing this and eventually your dc is going to be upset by every slight social snub, which the real world is full of. This is the making of a "snowflake".

houghtonk76 Tue 05-Sep-17 14:03:04

Tho i do agree about the whole single-gender plan if having a sleepover for kids that young - maybe when ur 16 DC?? (Over my dead body & defo don't publicise it on FB / Twitter for while me & ur Dad away u twonk!!!!)

houghtonk76 Tue 05-Sep-17 13:59:54

Agree with others (especially megletthesecond) - is mean & serves no actually point other than showing off how much money you have to spend on treat day / birthday outing for the invitees & parents. Either sleepover & movie on seperate occasion (though still an issue if ur kid not invited, thought they were BFF) or just do one thing to celebrate the birthday & try and be as inclusive as poss (alergen free for the one with allergies, no animals / dark caves if a kid has a proper phobia or mobility issues, etc. Basically use ur common sense, you're the adult, not ur DD / DS, etc. Kids like 8/9/10 age get very emotional bout this sort of stuff (homones & all). Be sensible, defo don't be outrightly mean & save urself the aggro.

Remember the Mylene Klass news story bout this sort of thing a few years back? Think she had a point.

Lurkedforever1 Tue 05-Sep-17 11:22:02

And you can also tell the people who will spend a lot of time being needlessly upset by the actions of others if they are constantly exaggerating everything into bullying and unfairness.

drbeverlyhofstadter Tue 05-Sep-17 10:56:15

Exactly cambodianfoxhound !

blueonblue Tue 05-Sep-17 06:20:07

I'm with you, OP. Awful.

I'd arrange something super special to do with DS together for him to look forward to.

It's also a good opportunity to chat about feelings and friends and how our actions make people feel. It's all part of life but it sucks!

SerfTerf Tue 05-Sep-17 06:18:58

I completely agree @cambodianfoxhound.

Neutrogena Tue 05-Sep-17 06:10:58


Kindness is a massively underrated quality in this world.

Who is underrating it?
The issue is people are disagreeing if something is unkind or not.

cambodianfoxhound Tue 05-Sep-17 02:04:04

You can really tell the posters who have EQ and those who don't. Life is going to be full of disappointments and hurt, why on earth would you inflict this on little ones when you can absolutely and easily avoid it. The dawning realisation - because that is usually how it happens - that you have been left out can be crushing. Kindness is a massively underrated quality in this world.

Lurkedforever1 Mon 04-Sep-17 22:39:17

If kids want to bully drbev they'll do it whether or not they are invited to a sleepover. Having a sleepover a week later won't stop a bully using it against another child.

And I see it the other way myself. You can't physically prevent your dc from bullying once they get past a young age by managing the situation they are in. But you can teach them empathy and behaviours that stop them wanting to bully in the first place. And a positive outlook so they are happy to be included in the big party, rather than looking for the slight in not being nominated the best friend that stays after it.

drbeverlyhofstadter Mon 04-Sep-17 21:30:41

I didn't say it was the child having the sleepover party that was the bully ! It was the so called lucky friends that particular week who made the inferior friend feel worse.

I think we will have to agree to disagree and probably reflect on how our own past experiences influence how we react to these threads.
Having attended an all girls school and witnessed horrible emotional bullying has probably clouded my judgement. Call me misogynistic and overly sensitive if you like, I have 2 sons and will always try to prevent them from being bully's and protect them from bully's in any way I can.

Lurkedforever1 Mon 04-Sep-17 20:38:43

I wonder if some people are viewing this from the perspective of a sleep over being a big thing? We've done them regularly since reception, so throughout primary they were never anything special or unusual.

However threads on here where people seem to think they are a big occasion requiring consideration, think dc under 24 are too young, don't ever allow them, panic about dc missing bedtime and eating sweets, and the rest of the pfb shite indicate some parents don't view them as most in rl do. Which might be why some are blowing it out of proportion on behalf of their snowflakes. Having a best friend to stay is normal year round for many.

(Obviously I'm not including kids that choose not to stay out, or those that might have needs different to the norm etc in the above)

drbev the nastiest, most spiteful child I know is one who has parents that have encouraged her all her life to believe anyone who doesn't prioritise her at all times is horrible. That has made her a miserable bully. Not the kids that have sleepovers.

misshelena Mon 04-Sep-17 16:14:54

*different tiers of friendship
What an ugly phrase*

Yet it's reality. DD1 has over 1,000 facebook friends, there is no way she has equal depth of friendship with all of them. Not even close.

anotherniceday Mon 04-Sep-17 13:28:32

I wouldn't invite a group of 10 friends out for a birthday meal and invite only 3 of them for drinks at a nearby bar after while we all wave the others off. Even if I was better friends with just those 3. I may, on the other hand, see more of them and do things with just them at other times. Kids may not understand why it could be hurtful to just invite a few from a party to a sleepover but parents should.


Gooseberrytart4 Mon 04-Sep-17 12:28:17

My kids have regularly been in the second tier. They don't mind at all because the party person isn't a best friend.

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 04-Sep-17 12:21:10

Having a family who have travelled a long way stay with you is different. That is clearly for practical reasons rather than a reflection on anyone's 'tier'.

ShatnersWig Mon 04-Sep-17 12:18:08

gotthemoon Ha! Got you! You're not my real mum, or you'd know I don't have any siblings. Scarred through being only child too.... smile

CorbynsBumFlannel Mon 04-Sep-17 12:17:44

Of course there are 'different tiers of friendship' but most people have the social grace not to make it abundantly clear to those who are second tier. I wouldn't invite a group of 10 friends out for a birthday meal and invite only 3 of them for drinks at a nearby bar after while we all wave the others off. Even if I was better friends with just those 3. I may, on the other hand, see more of them and do things with just them at other times. Kids may not understand why it could be hurtful to just invite a few from a party to a sleepover but parents should.
And anyone who thinks that sleepovers won't be mentioned in front of the other children is naive. Someone will mention it and be shushed and the other guests will either realise or be left wondering what the others are hiding from them. Not nice at all.

Gooseberrytart4 Mon 04-Sep-17 12:17:29

Is fine as long as it's only a couple of children sleeping over and the majority leave

gotthemoononastick Mon 04-Sep-17 12:15:47

Shatners.. your mother can stand on your head,but you will not be going on a sleepover while I am alive... 43 or not!

Your brothers and sisters too are busy'mentally scarring' their children all over the planet.Sleepovers not happening in our tribe!!

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