... to want a baby at 20?(127 Posts)
This is my first post on Mumsnet so please be kind!
I'm 20 and have lived with DP (31) for over two years now. We're very committed to each other and have been from the start. He's loving, mature, trustworthy, kind and funny - I would say yes if he proposed, in other words. We both work full time but I don't earn a great amount.
I've spent the past year feeling really broody and keen to get married. I've always wanted to have children pretty young. He knew this when we started going out. I come from a small family and so does he, so we want at least two kids.
However while DP wants kids with me one day, I don't think he'll ever be 'ready' for them. I know it's technically still early days in the relationship but he was with his ex for about 9 years without proposal/marriage - I don't want that! I wouldn't break up with him over it but we'd be having a very serious chat about where the relationship was heading.
I understand that having kids is a huge decision and I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) but I just can't help it! Some days I just can't get the idea out of my head.
If I accidentally became pregnant, he's said he'd support whatever decision I make. He'd be alright with it, even if it's not ideal. (I'd never pierce a condom or anything btw, I'd only want to try to conceive with his acceptance!)
My head says it's a bad idea as I'm too young, not married and living in a small rental flat in an urban area, which is not the sort of place I envisioned raising a child.
My heart says baby baby baby
Apologies for rambling, I just want to know AIBU for wanting a baby or am I just impatient? Is it something I should consider seriously, or should I tell the broodiness to just get lost?
20 is young in this day and age but you'll know when you're ready.
It's more your partner's attitude that would make me consider whether it was a great idea.
I think you need to see where your relationship goes. 20 is still quite young. I had my first at 26 and wish I'd held on a little more as although dc is very loved freedom is something I'll never really get back.
Why else do you want to do with your life? Babies don't stop everything but they complicate it. Do you want to study? Travel? Promotion?
I would say from a practical point of view to wait a couple of years but mauve have a tineline chat with DP about when you would BOTH like to start trying
Ok so I'm going to put my mum hat on here. Forgive me if I offend you but I think you need a bit of reality here.
You started seeing him at 1 when he was 29. If you were my dd I'd tell you that he's done his growing up but you still need to do yours. Don't rush anything for his benefit. He chose a much younger partner and has to be ready for you not the other way around. Give it more time and see how you feel - tbh your gut instincts are probably right. He was with his ex for 9 years and didn't propose, he isn't ready for kids yet, and he started seeing an 18 yo when he was pushing 30 after he came out of a long term relationship - are you positive he didn't start seeing you because 'young woman=no commitment pressure'? You need to get some objective advice from people you trust. From what little you've said on your post I'd tell you to run
I was 22 when I got pregnant and it's ace, I'm young enough to have energy and I hate the idea of being pushing 50 at the school gates
I get where you're coming from. I got pregnant at 21. And had him at 22. Second child at 25. While at the time I thought it was fine. Looking back now I was still a baby myself. 😂 anyhow kids worked out fine and I did get my travelling in beforehand. Went to Australia Thailand and most of Europe.
Anyway... I should have waited... it broke my heart when I had to go to college while they were young. It was tough!!! Very tough. I did 3 years and made it through bit I wish I had done it earlier.
But maybe you ate qualified already.
I'd say enjoy yourselves travel the world do what YOU want to and then think again in a couple of years.
I don't regret having them fairly young at all I just wished I could have given them financial stability first. I wish we had out own house instead of now renting and not having a chance to save.
At the end of the day you must decide what's right.
And I am quite happy now 31 with a 9 and 6 year old who turned out well if I say so myself 😂
But it was tough at times!
Whatever you decide I wish you well.
I'm 37 and ttc now @Fuckyduck. I have nearly £1m in the bank, house is mortgage free, and can truly enjoy my time with my dc without any financial pressures. I'm also healthy and have loads of energy as I take care of myself. Stop being ageist.
Hmm. For me it's not so much about your age but your status. If you have your own income/property etc then go for it. But if having a baby leaves you financially and practically dependent, get married first.
You're still so young OP, and there is a huge world out there to be discovered. Not saying it's impossible with a baby, but it's bloody hard!
Do you want to go to university? Travel? Work abroad? it will be next nor near impossible to do that with a young baby, or two. Your choices will be restricted, your outgoings curtailed.
If you're confident in your relationship then hang on a few more years - make some decisions for yourself and your future first before complicating matters. I'm 36 with 2 kids and have no regrets having spend a couple of years travelling, living abroad etc.
@Groupie123 having £1m+ in the bank and being mortgage free isn't something most people will achieve at age 50, 40, 30 or 20!
20 is very young.
It's not what I would want for my DDs. Don't you want to enjoy your freedom- and your relationship- for a time first? If you have limited experience of children then you have no concept of what it means to be on duty 24/7/365. It's often not a barrel of laughs.
I had dd at 19, married dh at 20, and had ds at 21. We are still going strong 20 plus years later. We are also a statical anomaly.
The thing you have to be honest about is, what if you have the child and find yourself single?
It could be for any reason (affair, cancer, car crash) but you have to acknowledge it could happen. Ask yourself if you could cope, how you would, and what that life would look like.
If you can handle that, maybe start the "when do we want kids" talks.
Fuckyduck, I'll be 'pushing 50' at the school gates. My ds will be 10 when I'm 50. I'm hardly in the zimmer frame depth yet. I'm sahm out of choice. No financial worries. A couple of nice cars on the driveway. Travelled and worked across the world before having to consider a child's needs. No mortgage. It's ace.
You started seeing him at 1 when he was 29
Unfortunate typo there!
I'd get him to put a ring on it first, OP.
Do you have any qualifications beyond A levels/GSCEs? You said you're in a low paid job. You could be left in a very vulnerable position if he leaves you and you don't qualify for a number of benefits due to your age.
and you don't qualify for a number of benefits due to your age.
There should have been an "if" in front of the "and" there.
I'm not sure what the exact situation re housing benefit is for those under 35.
I was born when my mum was 19. While she was a great mum in every way, as I got older she admitted to me that she felt like she had missed out on a lot. With her parent's help (childcare), she did finish her degree, but while her friends spent their evenings clubbing and their vacations relaxing or travelling, she spent hers looking after a toddler.
I've never looked after a baby or child before, so I have no idea what it would be like (difficult, I'm assuming!) Could you spend time with friends or relatives' children? Do some babysitting? Volunteer in a nursery or primary school? It's not the same as having your own children, and not everyone does have experience before having a baby, but I did learn a lot through babysitting as a teenager.
Really? Your comment makes you sound immature. There is no perfect age to conceive a child and you have no idea of the struggles people will go through to conceive. Pushing 50 at the school gates might be someone else's dream
Thanks for all your two cents so far.
@Groupie123 Thanks for your honesty, I know our situation is a bit unorthodox. His ex had severe mental health issues and he wanted to leave her for years but he didn't feel that it was appropriate because she was in such a bad way, which I think is fair enough and believe his side of the story. I will add that in our first year of us being together he said he was going to propose that Winter and he didn't... I suspect he doesn't want to because I'm too young.
@BeachyKeen Good question - thankfully I have supportive parents and a grandma who would be thrilled to help out with a baby/even put me up for a little while. Emotionally speaking I'd be a wreck if anything bad happened but situation wise I think I'd be ok.
@WyfOfBathe I've had similar ideas but I don't know anyone with kids unfortunately. I've even suggested getting a cat just to give me something to look after but the landlord won't allow it unfortunately.
A lot of you have suggested travelling the world etc., but I don't really have much desire to other than the odd beach type holiday once a year. I don't go clubbing, when I rarely go out for drinks I'm always back by about 11, I'm such a homebody!
FuckyDuck - I used to know someone who thought like you, and had her kids when she was in her early 20s. She thought she was going to go to uni and travel with her husband in her 40s, and hoped she'd then be a young grandmother able to help out and "only look like a grandmother when I am one" ... She had an unexpected pregnancy in her early 40s and is back at the school gate picking up / dropping off her DD and grandson together
broody can you not talk this out with your DP?
I can never get my head around people fluttering their eye lashes and waiting for their supposed life partner to read their mind - full and open communication is needed, get on the same page!
@drinkingtea He knows I'm broody, he knows I want to get married and he knows my concerns about both of them. I think he doesn't think I'm mature enough, or something like that...
I can't demand a baby because I don't even know that's 100% what I want (and it wouldn't be fair), and I can't demand marriage because I'll look mental (and it's also not fair). He knows I want to get married but he doesn't see the need.
I'd tell your DP how broody you are feeling, and have a good discussion about it all with a view to agreeing a timeline for marriage and kids. Given he was already in a LTR in the past without marriage, I really would get that straight first presuming you'd be giving up work for a while to have a baby and taking at least a reduction in pay during ML is nothing else.
I'd have loved to have babies young. But our post is really about possibly irreconcilable differences between you and H, plus what sounds like a power imbalance and communication problems. Sorry to be so blunt but that's what I picked up... The baby is a different issue.
broody I didn't mean you should demand babies and rings, just wasn't clear that you and your partner had really talked out what you both want.
I apologise for assuming you were doing the romantic damsel waiting passively without open and honest communication for your prince to realise you were relying on him to hand you your happy ever after So many people don't communicate though, just hint and sigh and end up frustrated - I misunderstood because of the "if he proposed I'd accept" line.
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