Is it ok to say shut up to your child?

[tigercub50]

I really don't like the words " shut up" & think it's a bit disrespectful. I will always try to say something else to DD8. We are struggling with some of her behaviour at the moment & realise that we have to change our reactions & how we speak to her. Both DH & I are trying really hard to stay calm & acknowledge her feelings whilst letting her know that how she's behaving is unacceptable. However, when it escalates ( like it did this morning before the school run), DH will tell her to shut up. He gets further annoyed by the fact that DD has picked up on this & will say something like " Mummy says you shouldn't tell people to shut up". DH defends it to me by saying it's a common phrase where he comes from. Any thoughts?

[BenLui]

There are other ways to ask someone to be quiet though.

If it is the house rule not to use shut up then everyone should stick to it.

Otherwise it's "do as I say, not as I do" which always appears so hypocritical to a child.

[minipie]

It's not ideal - after all you don't want her saying it to others do you. But I don't think it's the end of the world if it slips out occasionally.

[Strifae64]

No, never. There are more respectful ways to ask someone to be quiet. Even saying "Be Quiet!" loudly can be more effective.

[SpringySprung]

Shut up was as rude as fuck off in my house when i grew up s i absolutely was not allowed to say it and my parents didnt either. When i hear my brother in law say it now to his kids i wince as it really does sound so offensive. And i am not a weedy snowflake sort of person. I guess it depends how you were raised.

[blackteasplease]

It's not ideal as others have said, but if it was a one off said in total frustration it wouldn't be that bad.

I have said it in thise circumstances but wouldn't set out to use that language.

Sounds as though your dh might be out to.prove a point about it, which is less fine.

[tigercub50]

He also gets frustrated when DD picks him up about wagging his finger at her - again, that was from me because I really wish he wouldn't do it! He reckons he can't help it.

[RebelRogue]

Is his native language different from english?
For example in my language we only have one word for shut up,be quiet shush etc. , which is most commonly translated as shut up.
After living here for a while I obviously know the alternatives but my automatic one would still be "shut up".
I don't see it as aggressive and rude, but where I work is a big no no so I got a lot better at replacing it with "please be quiet" and other things.

[FriedPisces]

I say it when I'm angry. I'm seeing some challenging behaviour from my 11yo DS currently, he's being quite bolshy and talks over me or uses the phrases "you should have/shouldn't have/why didn't you/why can't you just" etc etc and it goes on and on until I find it has made me cross so I end up telling him to shut up and I strongly dislike that about myself.

It's one of my parenting regrets tbh, I wish I'd never said it the first time, a hundred years ago because they all repeat it when they're angry with each other.

[NoCapes]

I will quite often say "omg shuuuut uuuuupppp" in a bit of a Kevin the Teenager type way when my two are bickering or generally just getting on my nerves
But it definitely depends on the delivery, it can sound as aggressive as swearing depending on how it's said

However regardless of what we think you need to decide whether it's acceptable in your house or not and all stick to it, or it just gives your DD a bit of an advantage in a "I'm telling mum and getting you in trouble" kind of way, completely undermining your DH

[RiverTam]

I absolutely can't bear it, it's so hideously disrespectful. i think in 7 years I've said it, at the most, 3 times to DD. BIL, on the other hand, throws it around all the time (not to DD, thank god), but that's just part and parcel of him being a bit of a twat.

[WishfulThanking]

I think it is a very disrespectful thing to say to someone. I wouldn't say it to an adult, so I don't see why I should say it to a child.

[corythatwas]

I don't like shut up and wouldn't use it except jokingly.

But it does seem to like your 8yo has got into a bit of a habit of being cheeky and trying to parent her father, and I would try to clamp down on that, calmly but very, very firmly.

Make it clear that as far as that goes, you are completely on your dh's side and you will not listen to any silly backchat from a little girl who is trying to distract from the fact that she is misbehaving. Acknowledging her feelings does not mean she can distract discipline into an argument about whether he should be wagging his finger or not. (and quite frankly, if you don't want him to finger-wag, she shouldn't know about that: those discussions should be held in private, not where she can earwig)

[DubiousCredentials]

I say it to dd in a Lindsay Lohan style but I would never say it or tolerate it being used seriously. Very rude.

[KrayKray00]

I hate to admit it but I say it to my children out of frustration. They are at an age where is it constant screaming and talking louder than each other to be heard. The yelling, banging, screaming and nagging all gets to much and I do find myself saying "can you just shut up (or be quiet) for 10 minutes!" Or if my eldest is constantly answering back I have said "just shut up you're making it worse for yourself". I swear, not in front or to my dc though I mean at uni and work (not very nice I know) so shut up is quite mild compared to what I say in my head
Funnily enough I really wouldn't like it if someone else told my child to shut up, I would find that very rude and disrespectful, which is rather odd.

[MatildaTheCat]

My mum says it and I hate it. There are better ways of asking someone to be quiet even if it, 'please stop.'

However, I hate to admit that I say it to my dog quite often when he barks at me for treats. That does my head in.

[MistyMeena]

I hate it and would never say it to anyone unless in a jokey conversation. I think it's very aggressive; there are better ways to tell a person to be quiet.

[tigercub50]

*corythatwas you make a very good point. DD often plays us off against each other ( or tries to)

[tigercub50]

Don't know how to make names bold sorry

[Pouncival]

I hate it too

I usually say "give it a rest" usually because 2 of mine are arguing

[Eolian]

I agree that 'shut up' is not very respectful (I have no problem with a bit of finger wagging), but you shouldn't be discussing the acceptability of 'shut up' and finger wagging with your daughter in this way, as you are effectively 'arming' her (whether deliberately or not) against your dh's authority. It must feel to him as though you are criticising his parenting through her! You need to agree between you and your dh on tactics and acceptable parenting and present a united front.

[SlothMama]

Nope, unless you want your child to tell you to shut up!

[SoftSheen]

'Shut up' is rude and disrespectful; however, I expect most parents have said it at least once in a very frustrating situation. Hardly modelling good manners though.

[RiverTam]

But surely parents teach their children not to say shut up? Not in the context of parents saying it, but in general? So if the dad chooses to use behaviour that's taught as being undesirable for a child, that's his own lookout if she pulls him up on it. And I have no issue in children pointing that out to an adult. How d'you think so many parents got away with hitting their kids whilst telling them not to hit? By teaching them that it's cheeky or backchat to point out an adult's hypocrisy. No thanks.

[Titsywoo]

I say it and don't think it's rude. No different to be quiet in my book. Each to their own though.

[Cailleach666]

No one says it in our home.

Sometimes a "hawd yer wheesht" if a child is being particularly trying.