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Childcare issues, I'm quite upset by this, but think I may be in need of a grip?

(140 Posts)
ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 13:53:43

Long story short, I've recently gone back to work and have employed a family member (A) as a nanny/mother's help.

It's come to light recently, that on occasion, A's mother basically hijacks A's time with my DD (that I am paying for) and they all go on a family day out with me being none the wiser.

When I twigged what was going on, I asked A directly and there was a really awkward silence until she 'admitted' what was going on. She is a kind and sweet-natured young woman and I hate that she had been put in this position

As you've probably guessed there is back story between me and A's mother, she is quite a strong, dominant character and treats me (and if I'm honest, A too) as though she were in some way in charge of us. She adopts a dismissive and high handed attitude with me which makes our relationship quite difficult if I 'step out of line'.

I think she is making her arrangements to see my DD (whom in fairness she adores) through A rather than me, as to ask my permission directly would requite some humility on her part, recognising my status as DD mother, and that just doesn't fit with the dynamic between the two of us.

I'm quite upset by this and think she should make her arrangements to see DD via me, not through A, but I am not sure how reasonable I am being by getting all worked up about this...

The thing is, if she ever did ask my permission, I would gladly give it and I'm sure they would have a lovely time, so the end result would be the same. I have no issues at all with the standard of care given by either A or her mother and, most importantly, DD has a whale of a time. It's just me with the issue hmm

So what should I do? Apart from this, the whole childcare arrangement is working out so well for everyone else, I wonder if I shouldn't just suck it up for the benefit of DD? It is essentially DD having a day out with family members who love her, so what's the harm?

I'm so cross that I've been put in this position though, all it would have taken was a quick call or text to run the plans past me, but instead I feel like arrangements for my DD have been taken out of my hands.

So, do I get over myself, or say something and risk spoiling both the relationship between DD and this side of my family, and also potentially my childcare arrangements?

MrsBellefleur Tue 09-May-17 13:56:48

I would say something along the lines of "I wish you'd told me this was happening but I'm happy for it to continue" as long as you are of course.

From what it sounds like your dd is enjoying this time with family and it would be a shame to spoil it. It's just a shame they have left you out of the arrangements and made you feel like the bad guy.

featherland Tue 09-May-17 13:59:46

This is about your relationship with A's mother.

I'd be more than happy for someone looking after my child to take them on a family day out with other adults, as long as my child was still being looked after. In fact, I'd probably encourage it, especially if it was with other adults who adored my DD.

It's hard to understand what you mean about A's mother needing humility to ask your permission to see DD, as that's not how people normally feel about family members or friends.

So YABU to get worked up about this 'childcare' issue.

But I don't know whether YABU to get annoyed with A's mother, as there's clearly a lot of history to this relationship.

dollydaydream114 Tue 09-May-17 14:00:18

So, A's mother gets to see your daughter, who you admit she adores, and your daughter has a lovely day out - and all without you having to have any dealings with A's mother and thus avoiding any conflict.

To be honest it sounds like you're actually getting quite a good deal out of this. I do get that they should have been upfront about it, and that A's mother is someone who gets your back up, but I'd say choose your battles and just let this one go rather than making a fuss about something that ultimately benefits everyone concerned.

Nicemil1 Tue 09-May-17 14:01:43

But why would a child care provider run her daily plans through you? As a cm I did loads with the kids including getting together with other cms for picnics snd with other mums/friends etc.

I get you are put out out but surely if dd is happy snd there's no safety issues just chill.

Why stir up trouble.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:04:35

Yes, I would be 'being the bad guy' that is exactly how I feel. The trouble is, this is the latest in a long line of similar situations in which various family members have behaved in an objectively awful manner, yet it always seems to be my fault for calling them on it.

I guess now that it involved my DD, it has really made me see red.

InDubiousBattle Tue 09-May-17 14:04:50

It's just me with the issue
Yes. With no hmm face. What would having A's mum 'display humility' entail actually?

Your dd is happy. YABU.

TheWitTank Tue 09-May-17 14:05:23

To be honest, I don't think this would overly bother me considering that she adores your child and is probably treating and playing with her. If you don't get on I would count my blessings I didn't have to deal with her!

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 09-May-17 14:05:27

So A takes your dd on some nice days out that her mum has arranged, pays for and attends?

And you're cross because you don't like A's mum much?

I think you need to decided what the issue is here because I'm not really seeing one.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:06:21

Nice ...but if your agreement with the parents was for you to be in sole charge alone, and then you chose to delegate care to someone else, that would be an issue, surely?

That is what is happening here - A's mother is taking charge when I had specifically put A in charge.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:07:55


You make a valid point. I see that too.

I'm still bristling though. I'd never dream of doing that to another mother, I'd always drop the parent a text first, just out of courtesy.

LavenderDoll Tue 09-May-17 14:08:01

Why does she need to ask with humility?

BestZebbie Tue 09-May-17 14:08:09

I think YANBU to be irritated by this - as a general thing, it would be reasonable to be annoyed if A had turned out to be spending her employed time on day trips with someone that you didn't want to be around your DD for whatever reason (or even someone you thought was nice enough but distracting to A to the detriment of your daughter).
If you were split from your partner and your DD went to nursery while you worked, but your partner was collecting her and taking her for extra days out, you'd be right to be irritated too.

TiredMumToTwo Tue 09-May-17 14:08:10

I'm assuming A's mother is your MIL? I'm not sure there's much you can do about the situation without ruffling feathers & to be fair your LO is probably very happy with the arrangement. I'd probably just let MIL know that you are aware of the arrangement casually by asking how the last day out was when you speak to her. I understand how you feel though, it would get to me too.

bibbitybobbityyhat Tue 09-May-17 14:09:45

I'm assuming this is your mother in law and yes it does seem a sneaky way to spend time with your dd. Why couldn't either of them be honest with you for heaven's sake?

Looneytune253 Tue 09-May-17 14:10:11

So, is A leaving your daughter with her mum? Without being with her? That's a bit off but if you trust a's mum with your little one no harm done?

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:10:16

when I say 'humility' what I mean is that when you ask permission of someone to do something, they have the choice of granting or refusing that permission.

A's mother just would never put herself in that position relative to me. It just wouldn't happen.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:10:52

No, not MIL

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Tue 09-May-17 14:11:35

I would find secrecy about the trips odd and that would bother me but if you don't have an objection to the trips specifically then I think you need to get over it.

Huldra Tue 09-May-17 14:12:02

I don't see the problem with A choosing to spend time with her mother, at the same time as looking after your child. I assume that A is also there and isn't leaving her with the mother without your permission.

OK A mum may be doing it that way to avoid asking you personally but look at in a positive way, you alo get to avoid her grin if your child enjoys it then it's a win win situation.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:14:31

If you were split from your partner and your DD went to nursery while you worked, but your partner was collecting her and taking her for extra days out, you'd be right to be irritated too.

This is exactly what I mean, if DD was in a formal nursery setting, and A's mother went there and tried to take DD out for a few hours without my permission, can you imagine what the nursery staff would say? It would never fly.

I'm pleased some of you see why I'm miffed. I do think on balance it is in DD's best interests though - It's just so infuriating when people are so inconsiderate.

Brittbugs80 Tue 09-May-17 14:17:04

Are you paying the family member to look after your daughter?

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:20:43

Yes, I am paying...and It is all above board

That's not really the point though, I don;t begrudge paying A at all, none of this is A's fault.

ChildcareWoe Tue 09-May-17 14:22:20

FWIW, I would like to have a better relationship with A's mother, and I think part of the reason I am upset is that I feel like A's mother only wants to spend time with DD, not me.

It would be lovely if she got in touch and suggested a 'proper' family day out. All of us together?

BeeThirtythree Tue 09-May-17 14:23:42

YANBU I would feel the same, without the backstory, if I thought my child was in one place/with an appointed person and in fact DC was elsewhere. Aside from your experiences with A's mother, it is not on without making you aware.

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