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To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

(133 Posts)
Deploycharitygoats Sat 01-Apr-17 12:37:57

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1) "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
2) How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
3) Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
4) Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
5) Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.

All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea! hmm

DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.

So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

HerBluebiro Sat 01-Apr-17 12:43:24

Oh I couldn't resist.

I mean if she's going to object to the sugar in falafel, surely the answer is to serve a sticky toffee pudding? With haribo garnish.

22esmeweatherwax Sat 01-Apr-17 12:45:58

YANBU, eat the sticky toffee pudding yourself and stick her on the balcony with a lettuce leaf and detox water!! You are more patient than me, I would have thrown her out by now.

Awwlookatmybabyspider Sat 01-Apr-17 13:00:20

How long do you have the 'pleasure' of Her Majesty. grin

MycatsaPirate Sat 01-Apr-17 13:03:03

Good grief. I would want to push her off the balcony! And don't waste haribo on the stupid woman.

She clearly lacks any fun in her life and is fun-sucking you to make herself feel better for the fact that she can't eat cake.

PinkHeart59156816 Sat 01-Apr-17 13:03:13

"Detox green" I was on your side from that really. Nobody likes a fun sucker

Absouletly lock her out there with some haribo, your be doing her favour!

Deploycharitygoats Sat 01-Apr-17 13:03:19

Maybe if I left a trail of kale leaves, I could tempt her outside? Or at least get a break from the nonsense while she's chewing them?

(Hiding in the kitchen with the DC, poor DH is sacrificing himself by suggesting they go for a walk)

Soubriquet Sat 01-Apr-17 13:03:46

The cheek of her!!

I would be telling her to shut her mouth or she's welcome to stay elsewhere! You must have the patience of a saint. Must be that sugar that allows you to tolerate her grin

Zaphodsotherhead Sat 01-Apr-17 13:06:02

Do the 'tinkly laugh!' And the head tilt! Go on!.. And maybe add an 'aw, bless..' for good measure!

Thingywhatsit Sat 01-Apr-17 13:08:44

Oh god! Please accidentally drop the contents of a disgusting nappy on her head!

When do you get rid of her? Please don't tell me she is staying the weekend?

Gingernaut Sat 01-Apr-17 13:09:00

Invite her to stay for dinner.

Eat a three course Italian meal pizza, a few salad leaves, garlic bread and pasta. Follow it with a choice of gelatos (or B&J's finest offerings).

Jelly babies for an evening snack. JBs are recommended for diabetic hypos.

Make sure she never visits again....

Trills Sat 01-Apr-17 13:09:01

You are being very patient.

Gingernaut Sat 01-Apr-17 13:09:55

Why is she visiting? What prompted the visit?

bigmack Sat 01-Apr-17 13:10:12

Eat a delicious cream cake in front of her. She'll secretly be so jealous!

ModerateBecomingGoodLater Sat 01-Apr-17 13:10:49

I think a massive cream tea, followed by a take away for supper, and hot cross buns for breakfast should see her off.

Don't hold back. Carbs and saturated fats for the win!

And maybe a 6 pack of Stella. Reliving university life?

bignamechangeroonie Sat 01-Apr-17 13:10:54

I'd pay her on the arm sympathetically and say 'I'm so sorry about your eating disorder, I hope you're getting all the help you need'.

Anyone who thinks this much about food and the temperature of fucking water is nuttier than a Dundee cake.

BillyButtfuck Sat 01-Apr-17 13:13:40

She sounds awful!!!

TupperwareTat Sat 01-Apr-17 13:14:09

Tell her to fuck off.

Deploycharitygoats Sat 01-Apr-17 13:14:22

Oh she's not staying at ours, we made sure of that! She's staying at a yoga studio, don't you know grin

She's in town to spread the detox love (drum up business) and suggested that she and DH catch up/ meet his family and judge the fuck out of them

I hope she's not staying for dinner. I'll get KFC delivered if she so much as suggests it.

MrsTwix Sat 01-Apr-17 13:15:35

You are being very very reasonable. She bought you weight loss tea?! How rude.

PinkHeart59156816 Sat 01-Apr-17 13:16:35

You have a KFC that delivers << misses point>>

Just look at her and see what a life without cake and sweets does for you and be glad you have nice food happiness

SittingAround1 Sat 01-Apr-17 13:18:09

Make your own nappies! Haha
I take it she doesn't have children?
YANBU ( although I'd keep the haribo for myself)

ZebraOwl Sat 01-Apr-17 13:19:25

"Detox Queen"?! hmm I hope you've congratulated her on her amazing kidney & liver function test results... I mean, why else would anyone else be bragging about their detoxing prowess...? wink

So much ugh though. YWNBU to throw her off the balcony - she's that full of hot air I'm sure she could safely control her descent...

Obsidian77 Sat 01-Apr-17 13:20:25

Act like you think she's joking. "good one! Jeez, imagine stressing like that about everything you eat! Now, where are my Pom Bears?"

StiickEmUp Sat 01-Apr-17 13:21:55

Why do you hang out of you don't like her, genuinely 😂

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