To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

[Deploycharitygoats]

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1. "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
   
2. How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
   
3. Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
   
4. Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
   
5. Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.
   
   All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea!
   
   DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.
   
   So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

[HerBluebiro]

Oh I couldn't resist.

I mean if she's going to object to the sugar in falafel, surely the answer is to serve a sticky toffee pudding? With haribo garnish.

[22esmeweatherwax]

YANBU, eat the sticky toffee pudding yourself and stick her on the balcony with a lettuce leaf and detox water!! You are more patient than me, I would have thrown her out by now.

[Awwlookatmybabyspider]

How long do you have the 'pleasure' of Her Majesty.

[MycatsaPirate]

Good grief. I would want to push her off the balcony! And don't waste haribo on the stupid woman.

She clearly lacks any fun in her life and is fun-sucking you to make herself feel better for the fact that she can't eat cake.

[PinkHeart59156816]

"Detox green" I was on your side from that really. Nobody likes a fun sucker

Absouletly lock her out there with some haribo, your be doing her favour!

[Deploycharitygoats]

Maybe if I left a trail of kale leaves, I could tempt her outside? Or at least get a break from the nonsense while she's chewing them?

(Hiding in the kitchen with the DC, poor DH is sacrificing himself by suggesting they go for a walk)

[Soubriquet]

The cheek of her!!

I would be telling her to shut her mouth or she's welcome to stay elsewhere! You must have the patience of a saint. Must be that sugar that allows you to tolerate her

[Zaphodsotherhead]

Do the 'tinkly laugh!' And the head tilt! Go on!.. And maybe add an 'aw, bless..' for good measure!

[Thingywhatsit]

Oh god! Please accidentally drop the contents of a disgusting nappy on her head!

When do you get rid of her? Please don't tell me she is staying the weekend?

[Gingernaut]

Invite her to stay for dinner.

Eat a three course Italian meal pizza, a few salad leaves, garlic bread and pasta. Follow it with a choice of gelatos (or B&J's finest offerings).

Jelly babies for an evening snack. JBs are recommended for diabetic hypos.

Make sure she never visits again....

[Trills]

You are being very patient.

[Gingernaut]

Why is she visiting? What prompted the visit?

[bigmack]

Eat a delicious cream cake in front of her. She'll secretly be so jealous!

[ModerateBecomingGoodLater]

I think a massive cream tea, followed by a take away for supper, and hot cross buns for breakfast should see her off.

Don't hold back. Carbs and saturated fats for the win!

And maybe a 6 pack of Stella. Reliving university life?

[bignamechangeroonie]

I'd pay her on the arm sympathetically and say 'I'm so sorry about your eating disorder, I hope you're getting all the help you need'.

Anyone who thinks this much about food and the temperature of fucking water is nuttier than a Dundee cake.

[BillyButtfuck]

She sounds awful!!!

[TupperwareTat]

Tell her to fuck off.

[Deploycharitygoats]

Oh she's not staying at ours, we made sure of that! She's staying at a yoga studio, don't you know

She's in town to spread the detox love (drum up business) and suggested that she and DH catch up/ meet his family and judge the fuck out of them

I hope she's not staying for dinner. I'll get KFC delivered if she so much as suggests it.

[MrsTwix]

You are being very very reasonable. She bought you weight loss tea?! How rude.

[PinkHeart59156816]

You have a KFC that delivers >

Just look at her and see what a life without cake and sweets does for you and be glad you have nice food happiness

[SittingAround1]

Make your own nappies! Haha
I take it she doesn't have children?
YANBU ( although I'd keep the haribo for myself)

[ZebraOwl]

"Detox Queen"?! I hope you've congratulated her on her amazing kidney & liver function test results... I mean, why else would anyone else be bragging about their detoxing prowess...?

So much ugh though. YWNBU to throw her off the balcony - she's that full of hot air I'm sure she could safely control her descent...

[Obsidian77]

Act like you think she's joking. "good one! Jeez, imagine stressing like that about everything you eat! Now, where are my Pom Bears?"

[StiickEmUp]

Why do you hang out of you don't like her, genuinely 😂

[floraeasy]

I'd start talking about all the sugar in fruit.

About how her juice bar is about ripping all the fibre out of fruit and just leaving the customers with the sugary fruit water.

Hope you have a spare loo. All the unexpected actual real food will likely have her on the shitter most of the weekend